Can't help but feel like I'm nursing you to health just so I can send you back straight into his arms.

Battled these thoughts when you were ill. But at that time your recovery mattered more. And I thought I could be man enough to deal with it when the time comes..

But I'm apparently still a bloody guniang.

I'm not gracious enough.
Nor am I brave enough.

But on what bloody grounds can I allow myself to feel this way?
So I gotta mask them all good and well and not be a wimp in front of you or my friends.

But after the mess I was last night,
I don't think I can hang on much longer.

I feel chained.
To a million different people,
To a billion different things.

And all just to cheapen myself.
How did I allow myself to be like that?

I really miss Yellowstone.

Don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Alex asked me to join him on his weeklong dive trip in Malaysia at the end of January.

We would be living in an oil rig in the middle of the ocean.

Danger - check!
Excitment - check!
Adventure - check!

But where do I find $2000 (for a m'sia trip!) to spare?

Happy New Years' eve everyone.

All over facebook, people's statuses are changing - mostly whining about how bad 2010 is.

But what about Auld Lang Syne?

Every major festivals - like Christmas, bday, Chinese new year, English new year, I'll always wonder if this would be the last one I'd be going through. This year's no different. The only thing different is that this time, I'm in too much of a daze to give it too much thoughts.

In 2010, everything was unplanned. Every step I took could on one hand.. Be described as a reluctance to make a decision, as guo yi tian shuan yi tian. But on the other, it could also be seen as various leaps of faith.

Afterall, it was in 2010 that I started my first full time job. It was in 2010 that I started having earning power and hence spending power. And it was in 2010 that I have more control over my life.

But I don't know if I am indeed capable of running my own life.

I have always wanted a laid back life where I enjoy my work, where I do my part for the family, where I'm always there for my friends and where I still have the time to do the things I like to do.

Before I started work, my target was to save up most of the money I earn for a possible trip back to yellowstone. Back to where life was the lightest for me.

I even made plans to save EXTRA money to go on various getaway trips to nearby islands, to Taiwan, to Malaysia, to bintan's etc. I wanted to live a life of fun and of experiences and many photographic memories.

Alas, things didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to be.

I did go to taiwan, I did go on really really really small trips but life pretty much revolved around work and people FROM work. Family ties were broken. 10 years worth of friendship were put to the test.

And most importantly, I think I've never despised myself so badly before.

But am I sad about it? Honestly? I don't think so. I am disappointed in myself. I am sorry for having no integrity, dignity nor loyalty. But I really don't think 2010 was a bad year.

That's why I don really understand why there can be a bad year anymore. Could there really be one.. Or is it us who usually focuses on e bad stuff?

Whichever the case, this is one thing I don't think I want the answers to.

Haha.


Happy New Year everyone.
May 2011 be an even better year.

HAHAHA!
Love Xie.

Reportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreports!

..and the weekend comes.

Thank you for a KA-POW!, :))) day.

Given the chance, given the rights,
I would've loved to ask you to join us tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone.
Peace, Mai.

Hate that I don't know how to console Mai.

it just doesn't FEEL right leaving you sick alone at home even though I THINK I shouldn't be here this evening.

So I'm following the feel. But I swear everytime I hear a bike go by, my heart skips a beat. And my mind backtracks to the time when she went missing... For reasons I'm still completely unaware of. haha. I really should try letting THAT go. but that was a huge turning point wasn't it? It wont be that easy.

Oh how i cheapen myself sometimes. One day when I wake up from this, I'm going to be so embarassed at my lack of self-worth, I'd probably don a mask and smash every mirror like how the phantom does.


Anyways,

The bosses are outta town this week and half or more of the people in the office are either on leave, mc or maternity. Things are sloowwwwww moving and though I'm not really complaining about the pace, things still seem a little lopsided. It's like everyone is treating this as the calmity before the storm.

And it doesn't help when lotsa teachers are down with illnesses and the supervisor is giving no hoot about it.

The morale is low and negativity is rising amongst everyone. Sometimes it makes me pretty uncomfortable to hear some of the conversations going on in the office not because I don't like gossips (they DO spice up the working environment!) but because I hate how demoralized and hopeless everyone feels when we realize that the situation at the wrk place will not improve.

Try as we may, things will nt have a proper system as long as the ones taking the lead do not start listening and stop hearing. And it sucks to realize this after each brainstorming session... After going through all of some of the older folk's self-praise especially.

No, seriously - Most old people at work goes one round, two rounds, three rounds ultimately just to hint at us on how incredible they are.. And how the company wouldn't be able to survive without them. Sometimes they get so blatant with their hints, I find myself wondering why they don just say it straight in our faces instead.

Where is the WE spirit man?

oh no. poor again. :(

Get well soon.

Forgot how nice it was to have a book in my hands and my old fav tunes blasting in my ears once in a while.

Throw in one cuppa hot tea now and things would be perfecto.

Why is the cough making my back hurt so bad?

Can't stand being home.

Happy birthday Jesus.
Thanks for all the love.

The epitome of Christmas.

Since my head is spinning and I am in absolute no mood or condition to work, I'm gonna let my emoness take the lead.

Christmas 2010 is the ONLY christmas I have without any feel. And it's also perhaps my most trying time in the year. Strange as it is, I think I've been through a greater low in life than what I'm going through now. Nevertheless, I hope things change soon enough and that I will one day see what this period means. You know how they say that everything happens for a reason? I'm hoping I'd like the "reason."

I miss how comfortable we were. And the trust we had. I wish we could stop thinking and start acting but who's to know what to do?

At the same time, I am also aware of and am appreciative of ur efforts to step up and bridge the gap(?) - for lack of better words. Haha. Or in another words, the fact that you are now hiding less and less stuff. Don't give up. I can see you doing greater things and I can see the potential you have if you're willing to make the change. But I worry how the lure of staying in ur comfort zone may drag you down again.

Whichever the case, know that I get upset and I get angry and all because I care. because I get EXTREMELY insecure what with all the images in my head. and because I'm maybe a little afraid. but I can't say it to your face can I? Too uncool.

Likewise,

I miss my friends. And I still feel like I've let them down a whole lot. My friends who have shown me unending care and concern. I dare say what happened on sat was the final straw. No doubt they still put in the effort, but how do you accept it when guilt's eating you throughout?

My pride, my guilt and my stubbornness is what will cause me to lose them all.

But sometimes I wonder if this is what I have to do. Because if I were to choose again, I'd probably have made the same choice.

I have to do this. And I hope y'all will understand why.

Still cherish u guys.

Work.
Work's been insane! In the close to one yr here, I probably enjoyed the concert most. It's the only time I see the end in mind. I see how important it is for every "department" to work together and I see the fruits of the labour. Otherwise, I hate my job scope. I'm bored with the endless paperwork and reports. I'm sick of the sai kangs and I cannot stand sitting on my ass the whole day long. The lucky thing is I met some good people. I lost some good people too but we gotta count our blessings every now and then don't we?

I can probably list the sames of the people worth mentioning here - that's how little. But there's no need to. They know who they are.

Family.
The strongest desire to leave home is perhaps now.
I cannot accept how everyone is shifting in together.
FULLSTOP.

Xie,
you the best, man.
you and charlene, even better. haha.
Thanks for always watching my back.

Yellowstone.
Always will be the best days of my life.

oh wow. This is getting longer and more guniang than I thought it would be.
What Christmas? I might as well reserve this post for the new year.

The medicine is wearing off. Gotta run.


Merry Christmas everyone.

If I ever say I yearn to be sick again, kick me in the face.

Miserably sick. :(

He's back.

And so is she.

Thought I saw some improvements in her.
But then she said some things that took me by surprise.
Be it just a passing thought or more, I'm fucking disappointed.
and in more ways than one.

I have no rights to comment.. nor any rights to anything for that matter.
but I have to say that it seems like he's fueling your escapism.
And I don't think that's good for you.

But you know what,
If you prefer this kinda lifestyle then so be it.

Like I've said,
I have no rights to interfere.

If you want it, I will leave you.

Hello you.
Do you think I can pull through this?

I'm losing my friends.
I'm losing my family.
I'm losing my ability to handle the workload.
I'm losing self-respect.

And all for god knows what reason.

I need some way to constantly remind myself that there are bigger things out there to worry about.
But it'll be swell to have your touch right now.
Coz I'm so blardy tired..
and I could do with some faith, some courage and some hope.

Because he runs your life,
you are running mine.

My head hurts like mad.

Can't deal with e jealousy and insecurity out, can't deal with e shoutings and everybody's "i wants" in and I cant deal with my irresponsibility within. More importantly, i can't deal with e need to pretend for everyone.

Sometimes e baggage is really not that heavy..... But it'll be nice to take it off once in a while.

Wanna lose my conscience and my consciousness for just one day. Just one day.

Come on soft rock weekend, do your magic.

Because there are way too much doubts, too much misunderstandings and (mis)conceptions/perceptions, I feel the need to protect her from the people who cares so much about me.

But I think I'm losing them all along the way.

Disappointed in myself. I've let them down.

I hate Fridays.

It's like every corner I turned, ppl were dying to squeeze some work out for me to do.

Misery likes company. But why do I always have to be THE company?

I wanna be selfish without feeling selfish!

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm sacrificing a little too much for the NOW.

What used to be fun have evolved into your convenience.

Coz you see, I'm starting to get a lil bit edgy, a lil bit confused and a lil bit unhappy with the mind-guessing. With the varying body language. And the dissociation between words and actions.

I need to reserve some self-respect for myself.

This morning, the family wanted to send alex and myself to work. But I rejected it yet again. Just so we could have a little ride together. But then, I can't help but wonder if you're just here because he's not. And what in the world is gonna happen when he comes back?

Am I just your super convenient spare tire?

Just my pang of sissyness talking.

There are some friends I know I can never live without.. despite having the need to leave for abit.

Feels like our problem is we don't talk through the problems nesting in our minds.

Losing everyone and everything around me. And I'm not even sure f it's worth it.

Starting to hate looks of things. Including my own guts. As in.. inside.

It's the ultimate fusion of disappointing myself, disappointing others around me and all for no rhyme or reason.

If it's always anger, frustration and cofusion, why stick around?

Dear god.

Trust issues.

I am so angry these days.

So filled with doubts and assumptions. It's bad enough to feel like trust is disappearing but you mix this with assumptions - and a whole cocktail of jealousy, of anger, and of self-protection just brews on it's on. In some ways, I feel like someone has just opened pandora's box. My pandora's box.

How can things change so much in just a couple of days.

I wish less thoughts were and are being put in my head right now. because i just cant keep going through this every weekend.

Trust thy heart.

I jumped outta bed at 4 today feeling like I'm lacking in a whole load of self worth.

kinda need a dad right now.

Your actions and your words do not tally.

But then again, neither does mine.

We need a lil bit'a trust.

I know because I'm not stupid. And many a-times I feel like taking a hike.

But then it's a first time in a long time where I take a look at the face, think of the worst case scenario and still feel like hey, it's worth it.



... DIE LA!

Long time since I had dinner, or a proper meal with the family. Had one tonight.

And I remember why I've not been around.

Feels like I'm from the 2nd grade family when we reach. Feels like I'm the bottom grade child when we sit.

Which only makes me wonder what to expect when 5 people and 2 animals shift in next month.

Am I just this?

Full of lies.

Mother is seriously getting on my nerves.

也许苦，也许甜
不害怕，不后悔

Lonely without you.

Hate the feeling I got the moment I woke up today.

Fear.lost.angst.anger.confusion.hope.

allcombinedintoone.

Today I had a couple of chances.
Today I didn't take those chance.
Today I feel really bad.

I don wanna live my life in regret.

Yesterday was a tiring day.

But in an awesome way. =))

Missing it even before Friday happens.

Willing this two weeks to pass by slowly.

yup, she thinks I'm stupid.

Sometimes I think you think I'm stupid.

I'm not talking of a hurried night.
A frantic tumble and a shy goodbye.
Creeping home before it gets to light.
That's not the reason that I caught your eye.

Life as we know it.

Some people makes decision in life by choosing the easiest way out. Some purposely goes against the flow for a kick in their mundane life.

I have the whole world who loves me going against my 2 biggest decisions at this point of my life.

How do I choose?

What is your choice?

Tired but just can't sleep.

Sent Sean Nee off to her new life in Dubai yesterday.

I hated it.

Didn't realize I would actually feel so strongly about it until I saw Eng and her. Both me amigos gone just like that.

The three of us have come a long way. From a shy dinner at Orchard Central, we progressed to having secret rendezvous(es) at the Infant Care, to frequent dinners, to caring smses, to many laughters and 10 times more tears.

Seeing Eng and Sean Nee last night brought about a whole lot of memories at CM. How we sneaked lame remarks or gossips to each other because we don't want people to know that we were hanging out, how we looked for each other when we were pissed and how we always hid at Eng's room in the afternoon to chit chat and to bitch about my family.

In retrospect, the school seems so much emptier now. Even though the number of people our age went up ( as compared to Ellen's time ), the feeling is somewhat different. I am thankful for most of them. Some especially more than others - like Maisarah, Sharon, Irene etc but it is still not the same. I can't say if it's for the better or for the worst but what I know for sure is that I miss the days with Eng and Sean Nee very much.

Staying at CM is like watching an old film.. where the background scene remains still but people starts disappearing.

Sometimes, it gets a little too lonely for my liking.

I'm afraid because when you're climbing or are at the top of the roller coaster ride, the only way you can go is down. And the higher you go, the faster you fall.

imagine me and you

Birthday came early this Halloween..

and I liked it very much.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
=))


Sidenote: There was another cake, another effort, another surprise from Mai, Irene and Eddy as well. Pics up when I get em.

I am so confused with you.

Eat.Pray.Love.

When I was all alone at yellowstone during the initial stages, Becky, our head chef who has been looking out for me since day one lent me her tv, a couple of good movies and the book, eat.pray.love.

I remember seeing that title in the bookstores in Singapore before so I showed special interest in it. Unfortunately before I could finish the book, Ken, matej, kate and Kelsey happened. Although I never did touch the book again, I've always felt the urge to buy it when I see it in the local bookstores. So imagine the excitement I had when I learned about the movie. Especially with Julia Roberts in it.

A couple of days back, I was battling with my down emotions again. I began asking alot of questions whose answers I couldn't receive. I vividly remember sitting on the bench by the playground asking him to appear again - just like the good ol' days at old faithful. He didnt have to give me answers. All he had to do was seat. But alas, I couldn't feel him/them. Despite the many days; albeit the many hours, he was a no-show. Together with her. I was worried, I was troubled, I was angry, confused, sad. I didn't even know how to pseudo pray anymore. So I panicked and text pl: I'm in trouble.

3 words.

The same 3 words that started the movie.

It felt like a miracle. A sign that was reinforced every now and then with the same quotes KS told me just hours before.

Eat.pray.love was like the answer to my many questions. Well not exactly answers but again, a sign that I'm not the only confused soul. It carried lotsa words that worked like inspirations to me. I proabably will never be as gung-ho as the character but hell, it's always better to imagine than to be confused all the time.

At the very least, it brought about some form of comfort for that 2.5 hrs.

Abit gay (well, YOU KNOWW) but retail theraphy works! At least for abit.

Need a huge sleeping pill.

Moulin Rouge - El Tango de Roxanne

Bet you didn't know I've always had the desire to direct my own musical.

天黑黑，黑黑。

I wish I could sleep it off like you do.

But i'm busy trying not to be busy making sense of it all.

I shake uncontrollably as the countdown to Monday begins.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

The Offspring - Self Esteem

We make plans, go out at night.
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light.

Can I really not trust you?

Feeling like El Tango de Roxanne.

Now I know that I'm being used.
But that's okay man coz I like the abuse.
I know she's playing with me,
But that's okay coz I've got no self-esteem!

This could have been a happy 3 years kinda post.

How much is loyalty worth?

favorfuckingtism!

I think no matter what, I won't be able to find back the feeling of drinking with the 4 of them.

Karolina, agata, matej, Kelsey. How I miss u all so.

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

My insecurity is acting up again. Sometimes I really hate it so much.

Thus saith the lord!

After seeing the picture Charlene showed at DINNER today, I have a sudden admiration for all nurses out there.

Guts.

(But I am still traumatized.)

The loneliest sound in the world is other people making love.

The point is I miss Mara very much and this is the best shot I've got.

sense of abandonment.

Ok. Maybee they do make some sense.

Put your act together.

Losing faith.

"In Poseidon, those who waited for help died eventually. Most of those who ACTed survived."

It's time to take some action.

And so it begins.






It always does.

Meaningless existence.

Have you ever wondered what the point of ur being here ever means? It's a Friday evening and I'm roamng abt suntec's carrefour waiting for Ellen. It's a Friday.. I should be happy. But I'm suffering from one of those Friday blues Eng always talks about.

Why I let ppl put me down this way at work, I will never know. Some people say being a girl is easy - you find a good and rich guy, you marry him and you lead a non-eventful life.

For the slightly more adventurous, you find a good career, marry a good man, have a couple of babies and live your life making the best for your family.

If you're a guy, you suck up every shit u have at work, find a good wife and provide for her.

For every of the above scenario, u have some sorta reason to take in the hardship.

But what if you were gay? You know you'll never be able to start a family. You'll never need to provide for someone. As long as you have a roof over your head and some food on ur plate, things will still be ok. Maybbeee you have to take care of ur parents, take care of the endless obligations at home. But those will end one day. Then what?

How will you know what's ur self worth? How will you know what's the lowest u should go at work? Thr's no reason for you to hold on. But there's no reason for you not to either.

Without the answer to why you're here, how will you have self-respect?

It's been a long time since I've been here. Long time since I can talk without thinking.

Maybe Ellen is therapeutic after all.

Peace.

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

I feel like I should be contented but I'm not.

I want more.

Humans should not be the reason to stay because humans never stays.

I'm no stranger to that but it is so fucking hard to practice what you preach.

come back soon.

Time to say bye bye.

Feeling extremely insecure.

So little time,

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

and I don't feel the same.

Is it worth it to stifle my lifestyle for an underpaid, unhappy job?

Or am I just being cocky?

Getting a tad too sensitive lately, aren't I?

I see my name in shinning light.

Running away from office politics... With no where to hide.

Born to disappoint.

My mother, the 2nd biggest in her company, completely doesn't understand how I feel like a dog at work.