POTO is great not only for its songs, but also for the nostalgia that comes with the memories of Yellowstone.

These are the tunes that put me to zzz almost every night, the tunes I listen to whenever possible or the ones I hum to whilst in the kitchen with Orval and Matej.

These are the songs that I sing when I do my laundry on cold afternoons. My off-days were practically dedicated to POTO while I ponder if I should've gone to the store to visit Kelsey, or Mara or Karolina or Agata. It is the song that rings in my head when I caved and stole quick glances.

These were the songs I made Jasmine stop to listen to on the streets of Las Vegas where she refused to watch the play with me. The songs I listened to so earnestly when we were slacking in 'Terribles Hotel Room'.

I sang, I hummed, I even opera-ed them. And while everyone is getting quite irritated by my renditions, I never grew sick of them.

POTO reminds me of how cold the air was when we crossed over for lunch/dinner at the EDR. It reminds of how cold it may get at night or the little times I felt lonely. But more often than not, it brings back the warmth I also felt the bulk of the time I was there.

And on days as gloomy as today, POTO will once again bring me that warmth.. solitude becomes less of a cold lonely night when the voice of the phantom rages within.

Feels like I'm losing every ounce of spirit, motivation and drive.

The Phantom of the Opera - No one would listen

Beautiful, beautiful voice.

mother is reverting back to her old self.

Be it at Bozeman, outside Wal-Mart.

Or some random road at West Yellowstone.

Nothing can beat moments and companies like those.

Our hopes and expecatations,

black holes and revelations!

Can't believe Esther and her little Evangelia are leaving on Wednesday.

I hate goodbyes. Absolutely hate them.

' Can you remember whether you'd had a dream? One perhaps that seemed very real? '

'Oh yes.' Heidi's eyes met his. ' I dream every night that I'm back with Grandfather and can hear the wind whistling through the fir trees. I know in my dream the stars must be shining brightly outside, and I get up quickly and open the door of the hut - and it's so beautiful. But when I wake up I'm always still here in Frankfurt. '

running out of alone-times.

Time to file for tax returns from Yellowstone.

Just received an email from Teri Nightingale. Sigh....

How do you describe this kind of longing?

Homesick without leaving home.

Does that mean home is not home?

It's always the same story..

B sees A.

B resists talking to A.

A leaves.

B regrets and promises to talk the next time.

With some luck, A returns.

B becomes too nervous to start.

A leaves again.

And the most brilliant of pick up lines form.

AYEE!

We were watching old faithful go off far into the horizon by a bright orange sunset in my dreams last night.

We were free.

Work's been so busy I haven't got the time to write.

It's finally the long CNY break but I'm so tired I feel like every free minute should be spent catching up with my sleep or doing other mindless stuff rather than blog. I do have tons of things to talk about but.. aye, I guess I should wait till I'm more awake.

Work's been alright. Extremely exhausting but at least there are kids around. I have more to say.. but I'm too tired to do it right now.

What's important though, is that even though work's been taking up a huge chunk of my time now, some things still remain as important, as beautiful and as painful to me.

Like at the back of my mind, something's waiting for me. Just like how I've been waiting for it.

You can never say never.

Why we don't know when

time and time again

Younger then than we were before.

Don't let me go..

Don't let me go.

I hate it when grandma goes on a rampage like that.

Getting so sick of old people and their opinions and pride.

They know what is what but they don't know what is what. They just strut.

What the fuck?

Trying to find time.

I want a POTO mask.

Always on my mind.

Work starts tomorrow!

I am SO lost. What should I expect? What should I not expect? How should my first impression be like?

I'm not cut out for business-like positions like these!

But then again,

It's a brand new start.

A possible window of opportunity to make a change.

I am most definitely not ready. And I know it's stupid to want to drag this on because honestly, how long can I push back finding a job? Life has to go on and I can still do good, can't I? But I'm a whimp! Inside and out.

okok, this is getting out of hand.

I am going to face tomorrow bravely!

shit.

She looks over and flashes a gentle grin.

The voice on the other end becoming more noise than words.

She knows she isn't in control anymore - and she liked that.

With a swift goodbye she hangs up the phone and slowly strolls over.

That smile still hanging on her face.

It's just the two of them now.

Awkward yet comfortable.

With the imminent doom at the back of their minds,

neither side knew what to say.

Their eyes started sprouting silent words,

both willing their smiles to stay.

And by the beauty of the flickering flames,

Time stood still -

Just busking in her presence.

Some day, when I'm awfully low.

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow just thinking of you..

and the way you look tonight.

I can't believe this whole holiday thing is coming to an end. And I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's a perm job we're talking about. THE first perm job and.. I don't even feel mature enough!

I'll be classified as old from Monday onwards yet I'm still a whiny and spoilt little brat within. How do I cope with this?

I've been living life by taking things one step at a time so far and this is one huuuggee unplanned step and.. I HATE CHANGES. So naturally, I'm freaking out. Big time.

Gotta give it to Mari though. She's been shit load patient with all my paranoia. She's been taking my panic attacks pretty cool-ly. And even though I still bring up a million and one other most random worry factors, she hasn't lost her cool with me. Not yet anyway.

I think the bottomline is, I'm afraid to carve new memories for fear of forgetting the old ones. I hate changes and I'm gonna screw up so bad.

Somebody get me a chill pill!

thirtyfortynine!

Boom boom boom.

Shit. I got cold feet.

But then again,
you never really lose until you quit trying ( - Mike Ditka ) do you?

Have been reading Justin's girlfriend's blog on the sly lately. Her name's Courtney and I only met her once AFTER Justin had officially left Yellowstone ( thus the 'sly'. ) Stumbled upon the link whilst talking to him on his wall a few days back and since I was bored, I thought I'd just check it out. Turned out her posts were both too intriguing and interesting to stop.

I've always enjoyed reading about people's first experiences in a foreign place and that makes me a little upset about being too lazy ( or stupid ) to jot down the memories from the first moment at Yellowstone to the day I first stepped out onto the Geyser Basin with Dot ( which was about 4 days after I've arrived - I never dared venture across the road outside the store. Loser. ) to when people finally arrived and how it eventually became a kind of home which I still cannot let go of.

Anyway her latest entry was one on her participating in a protest against the political prisoners in Iran and as if that itself doesn't raise eyebrows, she also mentioned that her curriculum required her to attend one such session.

That's where the Singapore and US system differs.. I think. They encourage them to voice their thoughts and views by exposing them to it. There's practical learning in this. It's no wonder why they are often much more expressive and opinionated than us. Our learning habits, on the other hand, only teaches us to shut up and memorize textbooks. Better yet, memorize ten year series answers.

Back at the picnic bench outside the dorm, I sometimes hear Kelsey, Justin and Orval talk about their government and about other political issues. I really didn't quite understand what they were saying half the time but they sure did sound good.. if not well-learned. Sure I've heard of bits and pieces in the news before but those weren't enough to form the full picture so the best way out was to keep my mouth shut and pretend to be bothered by things like... how fat the chipmunk/squirrel ( they look the same!! ) was becoming. Her name was Samantha btw. Just in case you'd like to know.

I mean back in Singapore, we talk about the government too. But we bitch. Even if they were merely gossiping, at least it sounded more like a discussion to me. And I've seen the passion in Justin when he talks about some of the issues before. It was... nice?

Even though it's supposedly for our own good, I still think the Singapore government shelters us too much and we are too kiasi to question. And last night's 2012 with Xie makes me feel even more skeptical. ( On a totally random note, the show was AWESOME. Who the hell told me the show sucked? )

We don't even know how true certain local news we read from the newspapers are. Take for example - the economy. Everywhere's talking about how much it has picked up.. but somehow it doesn't show. Just flip through the classified ads - there's hardly anymore job openings for the business sectors. Engineers yes; business no. I was just on the phone with PL this evening and she told me how this week's career fair at NTU hardly have any employment opportunities for the business students. Some of the major banks didn't even get themselves booths this year.

And you gotta protest indoors in major IMF/ASEAN leader's summit! Joke. I know it's good for the safety and all... but.. Singapore's just too small. Too controlled.

I don't know why and what I'm rambling about anymore. Millions of random thoughts flood my mind these days and I find it very very hard to put them out in words. Maybe I'm turning mental.

OR maybe I've got pms.

Wish I were more eloquent.

Life is like a shooting star,

it don't matter who you are

if you only run for cover.

It's just a waste of time.

We are lost till we are found

this phoenix rises up from the ground

and all these wars are over.

Watched The Land Before Time today. I think I haven't seen the movie for close to 7 years already. (Can't say the same for the song though. haha.) Nevertheless, the show was still as good as how I remembered it to be. Maybe even better.

Have you ever wondered which character from the show best describes you? As much as I hate to admit, I really think I'm most like Cera. And I've always found her EXTREMELY irritating. Dammit.

Anyway, some people say that different people interprets what they see differently because everyone perceives the situation according to their own experiences.

How true that is.

A scene in the show where Little Foot felt lost and had that little non-coherent, private conversation with his mummy's spirit reminded me very much of the little solo walks and private conversations I used to have with either Dad, God or someone up there when I was at Yellowstone.

And I miss that presence very much.

I have no idea why I feel weird talking about it now. Maybe things like these should be kept deep inside and not to be shared over and over again. But like I've said, I'm a whiner. I need to whine. And I need to do this. I'm afraid of forgetting.

I remember being thankful when I was up there. Thankful for there not so creepy presence; and for their guidance. Still not sure guidance to what exactly but what mattered was, there was peace within. And I was thankful for that. At least during my solo trips.

There's no way to describe how that felt like and quoting examples wouldn't even be nearly as good but I dare say I've never been less clear of my path ahead before. Yet everything felt so right.

I guess I had faith then. Be it to god, to doing what I felt like doing and to doing when I thought was right. Faith kept me going.

but that same faith seems to be disappearing now.

It really did feel like someone was telling me, " everything's going to be alright " when I was up there. If you've watched 'city of angels', perhaps someone like Nicholas Cage had his hands on my shoulder then. Perhaps Nicholas Cage was dad.

Now though, It's like since mother's back in the picture, he disappears again. And I hate that. Because he doesn't seem to know how ridiculous our relationship's beginning to become.

With this nagging pain in my teeth/head/nose/eyes, I really can't deal with your discrimination.

AND how I can actually feel bad for not doing MORE than what I'm supposed to do.

This conflict is fucking ridiculous.

a pain like this makes you want to put a pistol to your bloody head.

So with Xie's go-ahead, I've mixed Panadol with the pain killer the doc gave and the pain's FINALLY subsiding. The lips and gums finally feels numb ( or in pseudo-scientific terms, something is finally blocking the receptors in my brain ) and I can't be thankful enough. But it's scary ALSO. It's like calamity right before the kill. There's just no saying when the pain will return and the throbbing is affecting everything! zzz also wrong; stay awake also wrong; eat also wrong; don't eat also wrong. All I know is that when it strikes, I jump around like a crazy man.

OUCH!

And I know I should stop talking. But I talk when I'm nervous. That's what I do! :(

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"1-2 caplets every 4 hours as required. Do not exceed 8 caplets in 24 hours."

Do the math.

Gurgling with salt water, taking pain killers, using a special toothpaste.

I've tried all of the above plus doing a couple of Sudoku's to distract myself but nothing's working!

And now, I have a !!!ing headache, sore throat, blocked nose and stinging eyes!

I don't care that I'm whining like a kid - I AM 10 at this very instant.

The pain is killing me!!

Have I ever said how much I hated toothaches? Hope I did because I fucking hate them.

The effing toothache is back!

I really should learn to stop singing when I'm alone in the gym.

Was completely immersed in my make-believe performance whilst lifting weights today so I sang ( not so silently ) to the tune of "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" alongside U2. Afterall, it was 915pm and there was nobody in there with me. Seems like a good time to let my guard down no?

so I went..

.. these city walls.

Only to be with you..

But I stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haven't founnnddd what I'm.....

then I felt cold air on my right so I looked over.

ZOMG!

A lady was standing by the doorway staring at me - with her mouth open!

The place closes at 10! Who the hell starts working out 45 mins before?!

I can't even describe how embarrassed I was. But whichever the case, something had to be done to ease the awkwardness - so I did the next smartest thing: smile, stare at the floor, let a completely silent moment float by before humming out loudly the remaining parts of the song.

Might as well end it in style right? ( In my mind though, I was actually planning the best and swiftest way to exit the gym. )

So I finished up with that set and was about ready to pack up when the radio started playing "I turn to you" and surprise surprise..

besides Christina Aguilera's, I hear another person's voice too.

Turns out that same lady was part-singing; part-humming as well! hahaha.

Looks like I can be pretty influential myself!

Whenever M&M are mentioned, things suddenly becomes that much closer to heart.

The show. It..

showed me something I thought was gone.

I know what to do now.

And just for the record,

I'll be at Montana too.

If I were to ever adopt kids in the future, I wouldn't want them entering the house feeling like this.

And on a totally different note, my DVDs have finally arrived! Time to glue myself to the TV.

Kinda miss being able to drop by your room on long afternoons or evenings and spending quality time together doing nothing but catch a movie, read magazines, listen to music or even just to chat.

Oh it was sad,

oh it was sad.

It was sad when the big ship went down.

Was in the mood for Chinese oldies tonight - the strange Singaporen kind. So I turned to youtube ( definitely the best invented portal ever! ) for help and I stumbled upon this song. :)))

Ahh, Nostalgia.

But I'm no cheenapiang! This song brings back really good memories. At least for me.

About 5 years ago, back in the JC days, we had the world's most fantastic chinese teacher. Her teaching techniques were amazing - all kinds of pattern also have.

Of course she still had those boring textbook lessons, chinese spellings and essay writing classes. But.. she also had lessons which were fun! And trust me, I've never been excited for ANY chinese lessons before her. Well, any OTHER lessons at all as a matter of fact - maybe except Selina Lim's classes. haha. ( She was so hot. )

So anyway, as I was saying, this teacher had brilliant ideas for Chinese lessons. She could spend the whole hour listening to our lame my-dog-ate-my-homework type excuses and still laugh at them. And she just had this very animate and interesting way of describing Chinese proverbs. I know for a fact that PL really liked her lessons and I dare say that almost the entire class or maybe even all her classes enjoyed them too.

I remember once when she made the entire class bring chopsticks for lesson while she prepared plates of peanuts and we spent that whole hour or 2 practicing how to pick peanuts up the 'proper' way. Obviously that wasn't part of the curriculum but that's what made her so cool!

Of course, that didn't turn out too well. By the end of the lesson, most of our chopsticks were casted aside and we ended up gorging ourselves with handfuls after handfuls of peanut. hahaha. Diet plan fail; lesson objective fail.

Then one really stuffy afternoon, she came into class with a cassette player in her hands and she started playing this song. Somehow, I fell in love with it IMMEDIATELY so I asked her to play it over and over and over and over again. ( Come to think of it, I think pom pom and a few others were moaning/grumbling everytime I asked her to play it again. tsk. ) Unfortunately, she only obliged twice and told me that if I were to do my essay by the end of the lesson, she would play it once more.

Already 17 and still I fell for that trick. :( I DID rush through the essay that day but she never kept her word. Then I nagged her into promising to play it once more before we graduated. That never happened too.

What a liar.

haha. Even so, she was still an amazing teacher and even though the song doesn't sound that fantastic anymore, it's still nice to hear it again. :)

I've been living by a new philosophy of late.

That without the want, there won't be any disappointment.. nor anger.

But I'm not sure now if it's doing me more harm or good.

You see to stick fervently to this believe, since the KL trip, I've been living without any expectations or desire for fairness or to fight for anything. If someone irritating comes into the gym and screws with the machine, so be it. If I've spent the last hour waiting for my turn on the treadmill but someone who came in 5 minutes ago just takes over without checking who's behind, so be it. If mother does her various favourtism bid again, so be it. No job? So be it.

So be it.

Everytime I get a sick sense of feeling from inside, I just block it out and keep walking. Keep playing with my camera, or reading those books, or watching my shows. Whatever it is, I just stop entertaining these 'voices'.

And its been working well. I get frustrated less and time seems to pass faster. Except for the gym or for a swim, I hardly go out. Once in a while, I hang out with the usual people but we seldom spend big bucks so it really looks like this is the best way out. I get to save money, and I get to avoid all kinds of emotions that comes with people's criticisms or with disappointments. Better still, mother recently got mioTV and we have a one month free movie subscription for alllll channels.. even the Video on Demand ones and I'm almost the only one who's home in the day time so guess who gets to benefit most from this?

Fender and moi!

But a lifestyle like this can only last for so long. It's like I'm only awake when I'm running or swimming. Everythingelse is on autopilot. And at gym today, I caved and couldn't help but wonder.. is this healthy at all?

I'm soooo behind in my emails to Mara and Rita and Matej and Becky. And I've been using the same excuses over and over... that I've been down with a really bad flu. Which is true except that I'm recovering and I've long past the days where I couldn't "stay up late to write emails ". I just... I don't know. Suddenly I have no idea how to face them. To tell them that I'm still jobless, or that I still want to leave the country, or that mum's still been driving me crazy. ( note the word 'still' in all these old news. ) Or do I tell them how the Montessori job thing has deflated my confidence that much more again and I am utterly sick of sending resumes because Singapore obviously doesn't want me. Or that I'm sick of putting on that mask when I meet family members. Or how I have to hide how much I miss being released from these invisible chains.

All these childish issues. They shouldn't even be brought up anymore. It bores the crap outta ppl but these small things to others are somehow huge weights within me.

Finding a job in Singapore doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Not at all. Even when Montessori was giving me those false hopes, I was excited and happy and all.. but now it seems like the enthusiasm was more for the day I would be able to earn enough to get myself an apartment or a car and a day-time maid for the house so I can show the family how successful I've become despite their murmurs.

I do like and want the job. Especially with its learning opportunity and all but on the hind side, I guess greed was also slowly creeping its way into my brain as I started yearning to be recognized by status.

I once told Agata to always remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it's time I took up my own advice.

I've forgotten how it felt like to think that money is of secondary importance. Or to want to.. try out social work. So maybe this whole Montessori saga happened to help me remember? Ever since that last email exchange with Ah Bert's friend, I've been casting the whole idea aside. Her friend was right - I didn't have the qualifications to be a social worker and they won't want me. So how do you move on when your dream was suddenly strike off the list?

Whichever the case, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever spirit I have by seeking employment locally. Like it's just a routine.. an expectation. Not something I can really feel for. But then again, where can Asians go?

Maybe it's time to sort things out.

That said, I gotta give credit to a whole bunch of friends who have been trying to help me in their own little ways. Especially Jasmine, Xie, PL, Ah Bert, Emily and Mari. ALLLLLL of whom have helped in the ways they know.

Gonna need a shit load of time to get rid of this guilt.

Is it childish to still be this spooked over a nightmare?

I remember how I always wanted to play this on the harmonica outside Ann's dorm.

Listening to this, I know I still do.

2009 has been a strange year thus far.

I started out being plagued with a series of bad luck. It's all in the archives - but in a nutshell, EVERYTHING was going wrong. And I probably wouldn't be able to survive that without the support of friends and a good girlfriend.

FYP happened as well. And it had to take place together with GMS. Tackling both was shit especially with the stress of the final exams. And once again, HUGE credit goes to the one who stood by me through that struggle.

Then came America. I wasn't even looking forward to it to begin with. Well, I was excited about leaving the country and all but I didn't know what to expect. Especially not something as amazing as what I had.

And it started out bad. Hiccups one after another. But these hiccups turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Met and made friends with a bunch of people from around the world. Bonded with pretty much everyone.. ESPECIALLY the 4 of them. Followed my heart for once. Got myself a sister of sort. Earned myself a couple of godparents. Saw the other side of the Taiwanese girls. Had a taste of how an ang moh's fart smelt like. Laughed in the face of a friend-gone-wrong friend. Went insane with ALL of them. Followed my heart again. Experienced the best kind of laughter. Cried through the worst kind of goodbyes. Seen the most unexplainable kind of bond.

... I miss them all; I miss them 4.

Alas, I changed again this year. Disappointed millions of people, got confused as to who I am, and had my attention narrowed down to being self-sustaining. If you know of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I probably went up the pyramid.. by dropping off all the others below.

I became selfish.

I owe huge amounts of apologies to millions of people. I owe it especially to one particular person.

But I also wanna give thanks to billions more this new year. To that same person, to Xie, to the same sec sch clique, to the jc clique, to the uni ones - that means you too mari.

and to my worldwide allies. they know who they are.

Helluva 2009 I'd say.

Happy New Year folks.
And for Auld Lang Syne my friends.

For Old Times' Sake..

And days of Auld Lang Syne.

Went for a swim with Xie yesterday. Turned out to be more of a dip since miss oh-but-the-pool-is-so-dirty refused to continue swimming after like 3 laps? haha.. bet it's the occupational hazard. Can't imagine how we made it through all those overseas trips together! Gotta admit it though, the pool was really bad yesterday. I swear it's the kids!

So we headed for dinner @ Thai Express thereafter before spending the rest of the evening grocery shopping and scouting for her word puzzle book. It was a good night out. Swimming felt sooo great still. If it weren't for those pesty ( is this even a word? ) little kids that crowds the pool this holiday, I wouldn't have switched over to the gym which by the way, is also getting a little too crowded lately.

Don't know what the problem is but I just can't seem to get away enough from people. Maybe Xie was right. We were too gung-ho back in the council days. So much so we are now completely zapped out of every ounce of energy and all we wanna do is just rot away and enjoy our own me-time.

OK, 'we' might be a lil' too much of an overstatement here since Xie is obviously still in her honeymoon period regardless of how much she wants to deny it. haha.

The point is, we are supposed to be living in our prime right now! Instead, I feel like a 60 year old complete with arthritis and a bad tamper.

I still can't believe it's New Years' Eve already. I thought last year was pretty bad but this year.. wow. NOTHING. Remember how we used to wish we were of legal age to drink so we could crash various countdown parties? Suddenly not so enthusiastic anymore. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that Justin and Wei Wei aren't here. Or that some part of me is still loitering amongst the benches outside our dorm at Yellowstone.

Weird enough though, I'm kinda embracing these seemingly lonely time. You know it's very much like playing with barbie ( weird metaphor, I know. )- I get to create my very own make-believe world except my barbie and ken are wayyy hotter. And non-fictitious.

I don't even know how to explain to concerned friends how I'm feeling anymore. It sucks to have lived a life of getting to be who I want to be and do what I wanted to do just to lose it all in one night. And worst yet, there's no way of trying to share this with others who are nice enough to pretend to understand but you know that deep down, they can't grasp the concept a full 100%.

I guess alot of this has to do with the family. I've probably portrayed a really bad image of them throughout the years. For what it's worth, they are still family. It's just that, I think grandma screwed everything up and hence, preferential treatment and favourtism runs in our blood and that's freaking me out. I feel like I've lead a way over-protected ( ie, over-controlled ), biased, lack-of-faith, etc etc etc life and I want to break out of this. Most importantly, I wanna break out of being judged. But how can I ever achieve that?

Putting it bluntly, I wanna be that irresponsible kid who leaves the home, leaves the mum to explore the world. I don't wanna be that person who gets stuck between doing what I want to do and feeling obliged to stay behind to 'accompany-my-mum' while the rest of the family gets to do what they want.

I hate this struggle and I wanna get rid of it. I don't wanna be my mum.

So when an unexpected experience such as that of YNP comes about, how can I make myself let go?

But who will understand all these? No one back home was there. No one there was here. Yet everyone thinks they know me so well.

Makes me laugh sometimes.

Still ah bert is right. I don't think I would ever wanna trade this year up for anythingelse.

Happy 2010!

I'd like to make myself believe,

that planet Earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

always always ALWAYS the compromised one.

.. sneaking away from his vigorous training, he wanders far off to a secluded corner of the beach.

This place has grown familiar to him after his last twenty visits or so.

Even so, this routine never grows old.

Taking a deep breath, Sam preps himself for a sound that seemingly makes even the tiniest leaves sway.

" Kellyyyy, niii haoooo mahhhhh? "

" Kelllyyy, niii haooo mahhhh? "

" Kellyyyyyyyy.. "

Merry Christmas everyone.

It's like ouch.

and ouch.

then ouch ouch ouch.

Why do I feel like I'm walking away from my conscience when she did me wrong first?

Band Aid.

Is it weird that I miss them or 'WB' especially much when I drink?

Had a great night out with KS last night. We met for dinner at Whitesands. Wanted to try the new subway healthy meal but the price makes it wayy out of the question. Especially in my jobless and extremely penniless state. ( Bloody pay's only gonna come in either christmas or maybe even later than that! )

We COMPLETELY finished walking around Whitesands before making our way to Summer Breeze, a pub at Pasir Ris Park - kinda turning into our hangout pub. And because it was only 8pm, we decided to WALK there. It isn't a looooooonnnngg distance but it was long enough for our legs to feel sore by the end of it. Still, it was fun. We managed to talk about alot of things.. from the day we met ( which was a good 10 years ago ) till the present. And when that was all done, we started reenacting F.R.I.E.N.D.S scene. After all these years, I've only just realized how crazy he is of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. He's actually crazy about that more than anyone I've known.. he know's every script of every scene! Everytime I pop out a random sentence, or phrase, he's able to complete it.

Is that crazy or is that crazy?! haha.

So we ordered a tower of San Miguel and SJ joined us for a while. And I really mean a while. Like 1 hr?

KS and I resumed our 'deeeep' conversation after SJ left before heading to the 24hrs coffeeshop for Rojak.

So you see, it was an expensive and fattening night. But you know how they say that the best nights are the most sinful ones.. This one night of fun has cost me SO MUCH. :(

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call.

But you never call at all.

Have you ever felt something so strongly but you can never seem to point a finger to it?

You get so confused, you don't know how to choose.

Then you pick up something.. a movie; or a book and everything seems like a sign - like all your memories put into a story.

And out pops the most aptly put phrase somewhere in the story.

Do you call this a sign?

Is James Patterson a sign?

Can I call you sometime?

Those 3 messages can now only serve as a very painful reminder of how you have made me stronger.

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing,

broken your servant I kneel.

It seems what's left of my human side

is slowly changing in me.

Looking at my own reflection

when suddenly it changes,

violently it changes.

There is no turning back now that you've woken up the demon

IN ME!

Everyday I mutter a sorry meant for you.

Beauty so unavoidable,

Everywhere you turn, it's there.

I sit and wonder,

what am I doing here?

But on the telephone line I am any height,

I am any age, I want to be.

I could be a caped crusader,

0r space invader,

And you wouldn't know the difference.

Or would you?

swallow.

and grow.

Life is full of contradictions isn't it?

I feel like I'm a person without a soul; without spirit or drive. But as much as I hate this auto-pilot lifestyle, I'm enjoying my lesser-obligations way of life.

Looks like the last week was the LAST week.

Been on MC the past 2 days so I can't go in for the final 2 days of work.. which is quite weird. Have you noticed? I ALWAYS fall sick on the last week of work.. like somehow my body knows everything's ending and it's not willing to hang on for a couple more days.

I don't admit it because I'm too proud to do so but I think I'm gonna be at least a lil' bummed out over having lost this job. Well, lost is not the right word but the fact lies that I'm jobless again. Getting a job, earning some money is like taking the next step towards gaining independence and being less frowned upon by the family. And now that this is over, I'm sure the " have you been applying for jobs " naggings are gonna come flooding in again.

If they are nagging because they are concerned, I can neither see or feel it. It's like they nag just for the sake of nagging.. for the sake of me not disgracing them rather than because they want their daughter/niece/that girl to grow up being successful.

So the job was good because I get to be further away from them; away from their stares and words but it compromised my exercise time, my me-time and other non-monetary things. And I'm not sure where to draw the line of being balanced.

That said, I'm also glad that it has all ended. Firstly because I was totally over-exhausted over last week's posting at Turf City. Somehow, I think the travelling was what made me so worn out. Also, it's high time I focused all my energy into applying for full-time jobs.. IF I may.

Oh, and not to mention all their surprises. Damn those " come in at 10 tomorrow " messages.

Sigh, why does it all have to be so hard?

gastric flu is like having a hangover without the alcohol. and much more.

feel so sick.

I live my life and I'll do what I want to make ME happy and I shan't care if that makes you happy or not.

If you can hurt me, why can't I hurt you?

Why do you still insist on sending me on these guilt trips?

Hey There Delilah

man down; man down!

If I were to pen down these words in my head,

do you think I can maybe piece out a song?

Was listening to Basket Case over and over again.

Do you have the time

To listen to me whine?

About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those -

melodramatic fools.

Neurotic to the bone

no doubt about it.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

It all keeps adding up,

I think I'm cracking up!

Or am I just paranoid ?

Am I just stoned?

Until I remembered about Pachelbel's Rant.

Still so funny.

Seems like frustrations like this helps clock my best timing.

At the expense of an effing abdominal pain.

Gotta be strong.

Good sun for a swim today.

"OOHHHHHHH!"

Could you ever know how much I care?

Could you ever know that out somewhere,

there's a boy who really hurts?

Managed to knock off work early the other day and while I was driving home, I noticed that there was a cricket/softball/baseball field on the opposite road and there were people playing there. Without thinking, I immediately made a U-turn and parked right behind a string of cars that probably belonged to spectators of the game. Was in the mood for Sublime so I put on the CD, lowered the chair and started drifting off.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there and then. I've never been a huge fan of softball - much less Singapore's softball. But it felt right. With Brad's voice blasting in the car and my mind drifting in and out of zzz, I could've sworn for a split second, I was back at the softball pitch. It was both disturbing and nice and I could have spent the rest of the evening there pretending to be Nicholas Cage in 'The Matchstick Men'.

But I felt like a creepy stalker after about half an hour ( of course unofficially, I was also afraid of being caught by a traffic police ) so I decided to leave. By then, my body was taking control of the wheel and in the spur of a moment, I found myself speeding towards Pasir Ris Park.

( Wished so badly I had a DSLR then. Sunday afternoon by the beach? Perfect photo-taking opportunity. )

Have you ever wondered when the last time you went kite-flying was? And were that good times?

Except for images of a loong white string coiled around a Yakult bottle, I have almost ZERO recollection of how it was like to fly a kite. But as I was strolling down the beach, I saw kids running around trying to get their kites up high in the sky. The children's laughter were beautiful. Makes me wonder if we would laugh as heartedly as them or would we be too cool to run around the field with a string attached to your hand? Off-hand, I can already list off some people who will NOT go kite flying because we're too old.

Anyway the point is, I've never been a go-to-the-beach-alone type person and it felt weird. But good as well. Nothing concise was going through my mind yet it felt like it was exploding with thoughts trying to run straight out into the sea and never return.

It was a very contradictory experience.. very painful yet very nice. Somewhat like how the skype date with Matej was last night. And I can see that it was the same for him as well. Especially when we started talking about how things were and how much we missed spending time together. A topic we avoided until the very end.

It has always been a love-hate relationship with Matej. More love than hate but oh god, there were times where I wanted so much to strangle him. But those instances don't last and by the end of it all, either one of us would attempt to make up in the oddest way ever.

" smoke? "

" we are watching a movie upstairs. Come join us if you want. "

" Want my tuna? "

haha. really weird.

But it was amazing how we could still finish off each other's sentences last night. Like we've been friends for years. And he's probably the only person that I can reminisce with without feeling.. stupid? Guniang? I can't find the right word.

I hope his plan to come really works.

Picture this.

In a setting exactly like that Christmas Party.

*round of applause.

music.

Yvonne (sitting alone, guitar on hand ) : " This next song is quite simply the greatest composition in human history. And if you disagree, I will fight you. "

Sniggers by people like Justin who recognized the song.

Gonna find my baby gonna hold her tight gonna grab some afternooon delight.

My motto's always been when it's right it's right,

why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

*Casey walks out slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and Yvonne: Wheeenn everything's a little clearer in the light of day.

Anndd you know that night is always gonna be there anywayy.

*Casey's brother walks in slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and his bro:

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( BIGGG horny grin ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT! Afternoon delight! AAaaah ahh afternoon delight. Aahh ahh afternoon deli-ight.

All:

Started out this morning feeling so polite,

I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.

But you've got some bait-a-waiting and I think I might,

Try nibbling ( low voice, cheeky seductive eyebrow raising to the audience ) a little afternoon delight.

All: Sky rockets in flight!

Justin (from the last row in the audience + really feeeeling it like he always does ): Pooooooo!

* proud friends in the audience laughs; old people who cannot quite understand the craziness of the youngsters laugh.

All: Afternoon delight!

Casey does the solo.

Justin: woooop!

All: AAahh ahh afternoon delight! AAahh ahh afternoon deli-igght!

Casey's bro does the flute.

Casey looks at Sigrid flirtatiously for affirmation. I look at my friends for mine. They smile back.

Casey and Yvonne ( Casey's bro does the really hard high pitch harmonizing ): Pleeassee be waiting for me baby when I come arounnd. We could make a lot of love before the sun goes downn.

All ( with a lil' sychronized dumb left right front back action ):

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( including young audience and older ones who are crazy enough ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT!

Audience: Pooooooo!

All: AFTERNOON DELIGHT!

Audience: wooop!

All: Aah ah afternoon delight! Aah ah afternoon delight! Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhh

Casey's bro: We sound good.

Yvonne: We sound really good.

Casey: I'm freaking out. We sound GREAT!

silence.

All: Afternoon delight!

Melody.

Proud friends in the audience laughs from deep within their belly and clap.

• Justin reminds me of 'Afternoon Delight'
• I'm not being narcissist - Casey and his bro are better singers/players/funnier than me hence they do the tougher harmonizing ( which I not so secretly want to learn )
• No idea why it's Casey, his bro and me.
• No idea why I'm doing this at this hour.
• No one left yet.
• Matej, Kelsey, Agata, Karolina laughs real hard and looks like they were really enjoying the show. :) They think we're sexy. hahaha.
• Matej keeps yelling, " Oh My Gawd!"
• Crazy Celia is laughing at how dumb we looked. Seriously woman.
• Julie, Sharen, Evelyn, Yumi, Jana gets totally swooned over by Casey's bro.
• Sigrid is so proud of Casey she could've cried.
• Ann, Joe, Rita, J.P, Mara looks on with pride.
• I can see Sarah, Nick and Orval probably rolling their eyes at how dumb we looked. Then Sarah laughs. ( I can literally hear it. )
• Becky and Juliann doesn't understand the lyrics but they love the spirit. They were laughing too. Not too heartedly though.
• Now I cannot stop thinking of how I sang the song loudly in front of Kelsey. WITH ALL THE WRONG LYRICS! I think I was screaming, " Fly Robinsons fly! " ( with tons of gusto! ) for like a million times until she went, " ermmm, I think you're singing it wrong. " ZOMG!
• I will stage the perfect show one day and show the people downstairs that I'm better off without them.

Am sitting at Vivo's rooftop right now. It's 545pm - dinner time and most certainly the best time during working hours. I love sitting by the bench, looking at all the kids/teenagers/adults/old folks strut around the waddle pool right before heading over to the harbour for a quick smoke.

It's time like this do I wish I have a DSLR to capture a baby in pampers stumbling around the pool. Or kids making all kinds of geyser-like splashes as they chase one another. Once in a while, a kid would fall and the rest would crowd around trying to pacify him/her. I could even say I saw a boy offer his lollipop to cheer her up today and it wouldn't be weird but such wonderful scenes only happens in TV shows.

The point is,

Even kids knows how to care for one another.

What about adults?

3 weeks into this job and I'm starting to feel like I'm living a mafia way of life in the store. Somewhat like school actually, where different people have their different 'backings' so they'll look cool or won't get bullied by others. It's always good to have someone watch your back you know.

Likewise, everyone in the store has their own 'backing' and thankfully, I'm in the right gang of aunties (G.O.A) where the big boss is the most experienced and hence, most respected lady ( because nobody dares to step on her toes since she's been there even longer than the supervisor ). They tell me when's too early to leave or when's too late to leave ( can you believe this last phrase? ) or they'll go, " little girl ( they can't really get my name right ), stop pouring samples. Start packing up and wait for my cue to leave " or " little girl, don't leave before me. The supervisors here likes to pick on the newcomers. Tell me where or when you wanna go and I'll lead the way and they won't give you any trouble. "

woo hoo.

But even though they are always looking out for me, I still think they lack a certain compassion in them.

A wheel-chaired guy came by our puny lane today. He could talk fine but even holding a small paper cup proved a challenge to him. When he stopped to try my drink, we spoke for a while. Ok, MORE than a while and I have to admit that there were awkward silences for the most part but he still tried his best to yak on.

Unfortunately the G.O.A weren't too pleased with that. Not with me talking but with the man 'blocking the way'. And they didn't put it too nicely. ALL of them were complaining about how he was obstructing business or the human traffic after he left.

Hell, they get upset even when the Haagen-Daz promoter asks me to help her throw her rubbish on my way out.

Is this how the lifestyle here is right now? Or is it just the 'modern generation'? Does everything have to be in such a rush? Even co-workers don't bother to smile or nod at each other when we walk past each other at the back. Most of the time, I feel like an idiot always trying to be friendly.

And the truth is, when that cleaning uncle went overboard today, I felt good asking him to shut up. ( see, mafia. ) But, I felt bad thereafter because.. well, he's a senior and I shouldn't be so sarcastic to him. But he shouldn't be yelling at me FIRST. Especially in the middle of the crowd when I did nothing wrong. You know how that makes me mad.

Assumptions. tsk. Always makes an ASS of U and ME.

The most important question is..

Am I going to be like that as I grow older?

This is a screwed up place.

1:52 - 2:17

Love the solo.

Definitely more 'O.C' than 'P.S I love you'.

1) IamnotaquitterIamnotaquitterIamnotaquitter.

Quitting is NOT an option.

2) Stop procrastinating! Start finding ways to leave.

3) Stop looking for your mum's affirmation. It doesn't happen and the sooner to realize that, the sooner you can leave this behind.

4) Stop expecting your family to treat you with respect. That does not happen either and things will be easier if you rid yourself of such expectations.

5) You depend on no one but yourself.

6) Don't forget to be a friend.

Still can't decipher you.

Relatives are coming in tomorrow through Sunday. Alvin has a room that would be freaking empty because he will be at camp most of the week. I have to go to work early in the morning every single day they are here. But guess what,

I have to vacate my room just because she thinks her sons will never let go of their room.

She confuses me all the time.

Seriously,

Why are they always at the top of her priority?

Why can't she be rational for once?

I'm really tired of this struggle.

Don't wanna fight no more.

Don't even need your love. Just PLEASE, be fair.

Do you know how tiring it is to play the role of a husband, a daughter and a shield?

Do you know how important having the faith is for your daughter?

But it's too late for that.

I gotta learn how to quit being a wuss and start walking away.

I've always been your unfilial child anyway.

She said that if he was around, our lives could be worst off.

...

It's because of flashbacks like this do I not want to drink anymore.

But I know I'll miss Xie if I ever do leave Singapore.

But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

The witch in grandma came out again today and damn it, just like how mother received most of the scolding even though her brother's the one that caused the fury,

She turned the bloody arrow in MY direction.

Left my PSP at the gym last night so I got Sui Ku to go retrieve it since it's at his place. But mr smart-alec over there decided to prank me and claimed that he couldn't find it. AND that someone else went into the gym right before he left and was using the machine I was on.

So the bottom line was, the stuff's gone. At least until he had his share of fun.

That's when everything became.. weird. Sorta. At that very moment when sui ku told me it was gone, I didn't think of the money; I didn't think of the movies; I didn't even think of the music, much less the games. What I was frantic about, however, were the pictures. Even though I have them all stashed up in my harddisk.

So I'm staring at the pinboard right now, looking at it the same way I was staring at them when I first put it up. The same way I've been staring at it every so often and with Weezer in the background, I can't stop thinking,

" We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever - we'll never feel that (bad) anymoree. "

How do you keep saying the same thing without dulling the meaning of it?

But somehow, I cannot help but feel like I'm telling the big guy things that are meant for another.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.

Across the water across the deep blue ocean.

Under the open sky, oh my,

Baby I'm trying.

What's my bearing?

I'm really quite scared.

Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.

FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING BIASED MOTHER OF MINE!

Definitely too much anger in me right now.

Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Can't write what I say,

Can't say what I write.

Everytime I try,

My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,

Maybe make that two.

For at this very moment,

My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.

Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.

Why dream?

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?

How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?

Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.

Think of me, Think of me waking

Silent and resigned.

Imagine me trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.

Think of those things we'll never do.

There will never be a day

When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me.

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.

I'm home.

And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..

1) really enjoyed the trip.

2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.

3) love my free time

4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.

Goodnight.

I just want to tell you nothing

you don't want to hear.

All I want is for you to say..

Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.

It's been 2 months since I got back.. 2 months and a day to be exact and even though I really enjoy the space and hate the thought of being tied down by a job, the thought of me having spent the past 2 months lazing around sickens me.

Alex got me a digital frame for ze birthday. Xie and Emily both treated me to (a HUGE) dinner and drinks respectively [note to self: repay.when.rich.] and there's even a cake this year! So except for grandma's moody, jealous and disgusting face, it was a good day. I even had a Kristen Dunst movie marathon! Though I've never really been a fan of hers. Oh wells.

Been spending the past couple of days with Xie and Emily lately. Who would've ever thought the three of us would hang out together one day? Strange world. But I guess it's uncertainties like this that helps make each day different - for better or for worse. And I still think what Xie did for Emily was very nice.

So the moment I got the digital frame, I ripped the box and placed like tons of scenic yellowstone pictures in it and boy oh boy, it made me both happy and I guess nostalgic at the same time. It was perfect. Especially when I turn it on together with some sentimental music.

*sniff.

There are so many things I would so wanna buy if I had the money.

Top of the list? DSLR! Followed by The O.C soundtrack ( they have the best mix of music. THE BEST. ), a 3G phone, macbook. And of course, a huge portion would go to my savings for my future migration or a holiday home plan. I know, I've always talk about saving my money and it never happens. But so far, it's been going pretty well. Hopefully, it'll stay this way, or get better with more money.

Sigh, if I were a rich man..

I really want/need/yearn to get a DSLR asap. I've never seen Singapore as a place where beautiful pictures can be taken. But lately, I've seen so many picture perfect moments, so many opportunities. If only I had the camera. Oh and of course the skill. Which reminds me.. I should drop by the library to get myself one of those camera books while I'm still bumming around.

The past couple of days have also been pretty mind boggling for me. Singapore Airshow offered me the Marcom position which I feel could be very useful for my resume in the future, be it in or out of Singapore. But the pay and the terms of the contract were just too much. It practically yells " cheap labour! " in a thousand and one words. But to turn away a money making opportunity just wasn't easy.

Generally, everyone except my mum ( ok and Xie who's nagging at us to get a job SOON ) thinks that the job wasn't worth considering. So I finally wrote in and turned down the offer today. Surprisingly, the moment I hit the 'send' button.. I felt relieved and like I didn't make the wrong choice. In retrospect, I'm sure if I accepted the job, I'ld be feeling upset about the pay and wondering if I made the wrong move. So there, I think I've finally made the right choice.

In other totally random news,

I miss the smell of nature so much.

Have you ever experienced a sense of longing, minus-ing the pain that comes with it?

America really has brought to me a whole set of emotions I've never had before.

Really miss the sceneries, the snow and many more..

DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR!

To all of you American girls,

it's hard to imagine a world without you.

American girls,

I'ld like to be part of the world around you.

Driving a car by the seaside.

Watching the world from the bright side.