Wish I were more eloquent.

Life is like a shooting star,

it don't matter who you are

if you only run for cover.

It's just a waste of time.

We are lost till we are found

this phoenix rises up from the ground

and all these wars are over.

Watched The Land Before Time today. I think I haven't seen the movie for close to 7 years already. (Can't say the same for the song though. haha.) Nevertheless, the show was still as good as how I remembered it to be. Maybe even better.

Have you ever wondered which character from the show best describes you? As much as I hate to admit, I really think I'm most like Cera. And I've always found her EXTREMELY irritating. Dammit.

Anyway, some people say that different people interprets what they see differently because everyone perceives the situation according to their own experiences.

How true that is.

A scene in the show where Little Foot felt lost and had that little non-coherent, private conversation with his mummy's spirit reminded me very much of the little solo walks and private conversations I used to have with either Dad, God or someone up there when I was at Yellowstone.

And I miss that presence very much.

I have no idea why I feel weird talking about it now. Maybe things like these should be kept deep inside and not to be shared over and over again. But like I've said, I'm a whiner. I need to whine. And I need to do this. I'm afraid of forgetting.

I remember being thankful when I was up there. Thankful for there not so creepy presence; and for their guidance. Still not sure guidance to what exactly but what mattered was, there was peace within. And I was thankful for that. At least during my solo trips.

There's no way to describe how that felt like and quoting examples wouldn't even be nearly as good but I dare say I've never been less clear of my path ahead before. Yet everything felt so right.

I guess I had faith then. Be it to god, to doing what I felt like doing and to doing when I thought was right. Faith kept me going.

but that same faith seems to be disappearing now.

It really did feel like someone was telling me, " everything's going to be alright " when I was up there. If you've watched 'city of angels', perhaps someone like Nicholas Cage had his hands on my shoulder then. Perhaps Nicholas Cage was dad.

Now though, It's like since mother's back in the picture, he disappears again. And I hate that. Because he doesn't seem to know how ridiculous our relationship's beginning to become.

With this nagging pain in my teeth/head/nose/eyes, I really can't deal with your discrimination.

AND how I can actually feel bad for not doing MORE than what I'm supposed to do.

This conflict is fucking ridiculous.

a pain like this makes you want to put a pistol to your bloody head.

So with Xie's go-ahead, I've mixed Panadol with the pain killer the doc gave and the pain's FINALLY subsiding. The lips and gums finally feels numb ( or in pseudo-scientific terms, something is finally blocking the receptors in my brain ) and I can't be thankful enough. But it's scary ALSO. It's like calamity right before the kill. There's just no saying when the pain will return and the throbbing is affecting everything! zzz also wrong; stay awake also wrong; eat also wrong; don't eat also wrong. All I know is that when it strikes, I jump around like a crazy man.

OUCH!

And I know I should stop talking. But I talk when I'm nervous. That's what I do! :(

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"1-2 caplets every 4 hours as required. Do not exceed 8 caplets in 24 hours."

Do the math.

Gurgling with salt water, taking pain killers, using a special toothpaste.

I've tried all of the above plus doing a couple of Sudoku's to distract myself but nothing's working!

And now, I have a !!!ing headache, sore throat, blocked nose and stinging eyes!

I don't care that I'm whining like a kid - I AM 10 at this very instant.

The pain is killing me!!

Have I ever said how much I hated toothaches? Hope I did because I fucking hate them.

The effing toothache is back!

I really should learn to stop singing when I'm alone in the gym.

Was completely immersed in my make-believe performance whilst lifting weights today so I sang ( not so silently ) to the tune of "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" alongside U2. Afterall, it was 915pm and there was nobody in there with me. Seems like a good time to let my guard down no?

so I went..

.. these city walls.

Only to be with you..

But I stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haven't founnnddd what I'm.....

then I felt cold air on my right so I looked over.

ZOMG!

A lady was standing by the doorway staring at me - with her mouth open!

The place closes at 10! Who the hell starts working out 45 mins before?!

I can't even describe how embarrassed I was. But whichever the case, something had to be done to ease the awkwardness - so I did the next smartest thing: smile, stare at the floor, let a completely silent moment float by before humming out loudly the remaining parts of the song.

Might as well end it in style right? ( In my mind though, I was actually planning the best and swiftest way to exit the gym. )

So I finished up with that set and was about ready to pack up when the radio started playing "I turn to you" and surprise surprise..

besides Christina Aguilera's, I hear another person's voice too.

Turns out that same lady was part-singing; part-humming as well! hahaha.

Looks like I can be pretty influential myself!

Whenever M&M are mentioned, things suddenly becomes that much closer to heart.

The show. It..

showed me something I thought was gone.

I know what to do now.

And just for the record,

I'll be at Montana too.

If I were to ever adopt kids in the future, I wouldn't want them entering the house feeling like this.

And on a totally different note, my DVDs have finally arrived! Time to glue myself to the TV.

Kinda miss being able to drop by your room on long afternoons or evenings and spending quality time together doing nothing but catch a movie, read magazines, listen to music or even just to chat.

Oh it was sad,

oh it was sad.

It was sad when the big ship went down.

Was in the mood for Chinese oldies tonight - the strange Singaporen kind. So I turned to youtube ( definitely the best invented portal ever! ) for help and I stumbled upon this song. :)))

Ahh, Nostalgia.

But I'm no cheenapiang! This song brings back really good memories. At least for me.

About 5 years ago, back in the JC days, we had the world's most fantastic chinese teacher. Her teaching techniques were amazing - all kinds of pattern also have.

Of course she still had those boring textbook lessons, chinese spellings and essay writing classes. But.. she also had lessons which were fun! And trust me, I've never been excited for ANY chinese lessons before her. Well, any OTHER lessons at all as a matter of fact - maybe except Selina Lim's classes. haha. ( She was so hot. )

So anyway, as I was saying, this teacher had brilliant ideas for Chinese lessons. She could spend the whole hour listening to our lame my-dog-ate-my-homework type excuses and still laugh at them. And she just had this very animate and interesting way of describing Chinese proverbs. I know for a fact that PL really liked her lessons and I dare say that almost the entire class or maybe even all her classes enjoyed them too.

I remember once when she made the entire class bring chopsticks for lesson while she prepared plates of peanuts and we spent that whole hour or 2 practicing how to pick peanuts up the 'proper' way. Obviously that wasn't part of the curriculum but that's what made her so cool!

Of course, that didn't turn out too well. By the end of the lesson, most of our chopsticks were casted aside and we ended up gorging ourselves with handfuls after handfuls of peanut. hahaha. Diet plan fail; lesson objective fail.

Then one really stuffy afternoon, she came into class with a cassette player in her hands and she started playing this song. Somehow, I fell in love with it IMMEDIATELY so I asked her to play it over and over and over and over again. ( Come to think of it, I think pom pom and a few others were moaning/grumbling everytime I asked her to play it again. tsk. ) Unfortunately, she only obliged twice and told me that if I were to do my essay by the end of the lesson, she would play it once more.

Already 17 and still I fell for that trick. :( I DID rush through the essay that day but she never kept her word. Then I nagged her into promising to play it once more before we graduated. That never happened too.

What a liar.

haha. Even so, she was still an amazing teacher and even though the song doesn't sound that fantastic anymore, it's still nice to hear it again. :)

I've been living by a new philosophy of late.

That without the want, there won't be any disappointment.. nor anger.

But I'm not sure now if it's doing me more harm or good.

You see to stick fervently to this believe, since the KL trip, I've been living without any expectations or desire for fairness or to fight for anything. If someone irritating comes into the gym and screws with the machine, so be it. If I've spent the last hour waiting for my turn on the treadmill but someone who came in 5 minutes ago just takes over without checking who's behind, so be it. If mother does her various favourtism bid again, so be it. No job? So be it.

So be it.

Everytime I get a sick sense of feeling from inside, I just block it out and keep walking. Keep playing with my camera, or reading those books, or watching my shows. Whatever it is, I just stop entertaining these 'voices'.

And its been working well. I get frustrated less and time seems to pass faster. Except for the gym or for a swim, I hardly go out. Once in a while, I hang out with the usual people but we seldom spend big bucks so it really looks like this is the best way out. I get to save money, and I get to avoid all kinds of emotions that comes with people's criticisms or with disappointments. Better still, mother recently got mioTV and we have a one month free movie subscription for alllll channels.. even the Video on Demand ones and I'm almost the only one who's home in the day time so guess who gets to benefit most from this?

Fender and moi!

But a lifestyle like this can only last for so long. It's like I'm only awake when I'm running or swimming. Everythingelse is on autopilot. And at gym today, I caved and couldn't help but wonder.. is this healthy at all?

I'm soooo behind in my emails to Mara and Rita and Matej and Becky. And I've been using the same excuses over and over... that I've been down with a really bad flu. Which is true except that I'm recovering and I've long past the days where I couldn't "stay up late to write emails ". I just... I don't know. Suddenly I have no idea how to face them. To tell them that I'm still jobless, or that I still want to leave the country, or that mum's still been driving me crazy. ( note the word 'still' in all these old news. ) Or do I tell them how the Montessori job thing has deflated my confidence that much more again and I am utterly sick of sending resumes because Singapore obviously doesn't want me. Or that I'm sick of putting on that mask when I meet family members. Or how I have to hide how much I miss being released from these invisible chains.

All these childish issues. They shouldn't even be brought up anymore. It bores the crap outta ppl but these small things to others are somehow huge weights within me.

Finding a job in Singapore doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Not at all. Even when Montessori was giving me those false hopes, I was excited and happy and all.. but now it seems like the enthusiasm was more for the day I would be able to earn enough to get myself an apartment or a car and a day-time maid for the house so I can show the family how successful I've become despite their murmurs.

I do like and want the job. Especially with its learning opportunity and all but on the hind side, I guess greed was also slowly creeping its way into my brain as I started yearning to be recognized by status.

I once told Agata to always remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it's time I took up my own advice.

I've forgotten how it felt like to think that money is of secondary importance. Or to want to.. try out social work. So maybe this whole Montessori saga happened to help me remember? Ever since that last email exchange with Ah Bert's friend, I've been casting the whole idea aside. Her friend was right - I didn't have the qualifications to be a social worker and they won't want me. So how do you move on when your dream was suddenly strike off the list?

Whichever the case, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever spirit I have by seeking employment locally. Like it's just a routine.. an expectation. Not something I can really feel for. But then again, where can Asians go?

Maybe it's time to sort things out.

That said, I gotta give credit to a whole bunch of friends who have been trying to help me in their own little ways. Especially Jasmine, Xie, PL, Ah Bert, Emily and Mari. ALLLLLL of whom have helped in the ways they know.

Gonna need a shit load of time to get rid of this guilt.

Is it childish to still be this spooked over a nightmare?

I remember how I always wanted to play this on the harmonica outside Ann's dorm.

Listening to this, I know I still do.

2009 has been a strange year thus far.

I started out being plagued with a series of bad luck. It's all in the archives - but in a nutshell, EVERYTHING was going wrong. And I probably wouldn't be able to survive that without the support of friends and a good girlfriend.

FYP happened as well. And it had to take place together with GMS. Tackling both was shit especially with the stress of the final exams. And once again, HUGE credit goes to the one who stood by me through that struggle.

Then came America. I wasn't even looking forward to it to begin with. Well, I was excited about leaving the country and all but I didn't know what to expect. Especially not something as amazing as what I had.

And it started out bad. Hiccups one after another. But these hiccups turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Met and made friends with a bunch of people from around the world. Bonded with pretty much everyone.. ESPECIALLY the 4 of them. Followed my heart for once. Got myself a sister of sort. Earned myself a couple of godparents. Saw the other side of the Taiwanese girls. Had a taste of how an ang moh's fart smelt like. Laughed in the face of a friend-gone-wrong friend. Went insane with ALL of them. Followed my heart again. Experienced the best kind of laughter. Cried through the worst kind of goodbyes. Seen the most unexplainable kind of bond.

... I miss them all; I miss them 4.

Alas, I changed again this year. Disappointed millions of people, got confused as to who I am, and had my attention narrowed down to being self-sustaining. If you know of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I probably went up the pyramid.. by dropping off all the others below.

I became selfish.

I owe huge amounts of apologies to millions of people. I owe it especially to one particular person.

But I also wanna give thanks to billions more this new year. To that same person, to Xie, to the same sec sch clique, to the jc clique, to the uni ones - that means you too mari.

and to my worldwide allies. they know who they are.

Helluva 2009 I'd say.

Happy New Year folks.
And for Auld Lang Syne my friends.

For Old Times' Sake..

And days of Auld Lang Syne.

Went for a swim with Xie yesterday. Turned out to be more of a dip since miss oh-but-the-pool-is-so-dirty refused to continue swimming after like 3 laps? haha.. bet it's the occupational hazard. Can't imagine how we made it through all those overseas trips together! Gotta admit it though, the pool was really bad yesterday. I swear it's the kids!

So we headed for dinner @ Thai Express thereafter before spending the rest of the evening grocery shopping and scouting for her word puzzle book. It was a good night out. Swimming felt sooo great still. If it weren't for those pesty ( is this even a word? ) little kids that crowds the pool this holiday, I wouldn't have switched over to the gym which by the way, is also getting a little too crowded lately.

Don't know what the problem is but I just can't seem to get away enough from people. Maybe Xie was right. We were too gung-ho back in the council days. So much so we are now completely zapped out of every ounce of energy and all we wanna do is just rot away and enjoy our own me-time.

OK, 'we' might be a lil' too much of an overstatement here since Xie is obviously still in her honeymoon period regardless of how much she wants to deny it. haha.

The point is, we are supposed to be living in our prime right now! Instead, I feel like a 60 year old complete with arthritis and a bad tamper.

I still can't believe it's New Years' Eve already. I thought last year was pretty bad but this year.. wow. NOTHING. Remember how we used to wish we were of legal age to drink so we could crash various countdown parties? Suddenly not so enthusiastic anymore. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that Justin and Wei Wei aren't here. Or that some part of me is still loitering amongst the benches outside our dorm at Yellowstone.

Weird enough though, I'm kinda embracing these seemingly lonely time. You know it's very much like playing with barbie ( weird metaphor, I know. )- I get to create my very own make-believe world except my barbie and ken are wayyy hotter. And non-fictitious.

I don't even know how to explain to concerned friends how I'm feeling anymore. It sucks to have lived a life of getting to be who I want to be and do what I wanted to do just to lose it all in one night. And worst yet, there's no way of trying to share this with others who are nice enough to pretend to understand but you know that deep down, they can't grasp the concept a full 100%.

I guess alot of this has to do with the family. I've probably portrayed a really bad image of them throughout the years. For what it's worth, they are still family. It's just that, I think grandma screwed everything up and hence, preferential treatment and favourtism runs in our blood and that's freaking me out. I feel like I've lead a way over-protected ( ie, over-controlled ), biased, lack-of-faith, etc etc etc life and I want to break out of this. Most importantly, I wanna break out of being judged. But how can I ever achieve that?

Putting it bluntly, I wanna be that irresponsible kid who leaves the home, leaves the mum to explore the world. I don't wanna be that person who gets stuck between doing what I want to do and feeling obliged to stay behind to 'accompany-my-mum' while the rest of the family gets to do what they want.

I hate this struggle and I wanna get rid of it. I don't wanna be my mum.

So when an unexpected experience such as that of YNP comes about, how can I make myself let go?

But who will understand all these? No one back home was there. No one there was here. Yet everyone thinks they know me so well.

Makes me laugh sometimes.

Still ah bert is right. I don't think I would ever wanna trade this year up for anythingelse.

Happy 2010!

I'd like to make myself believe,

that planet Earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

always always ALWAYS the compromised one.

.. sneaking away from his vigorous training, he wanders far off to a secluded corner of the beach.

This place has grown familiar to him after his last twenty visits or so.

Even so, this routine never grows old.

Taking a deep breath, Sam preps himself for a sound that seemingly makes even the tiniest leaves sway.

" Kellyyyy, niii haoooo mahhhhh? "

" Kelllyyy, niii haooo mahhhh? "

" Kellyyyyyyyy.. "

Merry Christmas everyone.

It's like ouch.

and ouch.

then ouch ouch ouch.

Why do I feel like I'm walking away from my conscience when she did me wrong first?

Band Aid.

Is it weird that I miss them or 'WB' especially much when I drink?

Had a great night out with KS last night. We met for dinner at Whitesands. Wanted to try the new subway healthy meal but the price makes it wayy out of the question. Especially in my jobless and extremely penniless state. ( Bloody pay's only gonna come in either christmas or maybe even later than that! )

We COMPLETELY finished walking around Whitesands before making our way to Summer Breeze, a pub at Pasir Ris Park - kinda turning into our hangout pub. And because it was only 8pm, we decided to WALK there. It isn't a looooooonnnngg distance but it was long enough for our legs to feel sore by the end of it. Still, it was fun. We managed to talk about alot of things.. from the day we met ( which was a good 10 years ago ) till the present. And when that was all done, we started reenacting F.R.I.E.N.D.S scene. After all these years, I've only just realized how crazy he is of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. He's actually crazy about that more than anyone I've known.. he know's every script of every scene! Everytime I pop out a random sentence, or phrase, he's able to complete it.

Is that crazy or is that crazy?! haha.

So we ordered a tower of San Miguel and SJ joined us for a while. And I really mean a while. Like 1 hr?

KS and I resumed our 'deeeep' conversation after SJ left before heading to the 24hrs coffeeshop for Rojak.

So you see, it was an expensive and fattening night. But you know how they say that the best nights are the most sinful ones.. This one night of fun has cost me SO MUCH. :(

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call.

But you never call at all.

Have you ever felt something so strongly but you can never seem to point a finger to it?

You get so confused, you don't know how to choose.

Then you pick up something.. a movie; or a book and everything seems like a sign - like all your memories put into a story.

And out pops the most aptly put phrase somewhere in the story.

Do you call this a sign?

Is James Patterson a sign?

Can I call you sometime?

Those 3 messages can now only serve as a very painful reminder of how you have made me stronger.

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing,

broken your servant I kneel.

It seems what's left of my human side

is slowly changing in me.

Looking at my own reflection

when suddenly it changes,

violently it changes.

There is no turning back now that you've woken up the demon

IN ME!

Everyday I mutter a sorry meant for you.

Beauty so unavoidable,

Everywhere you turn, it's there.

I sit and wonder,

what am I doing here?

But on the telephone line I am any height,

I am any age, I want to be.

I could be a caped crusader,

0r space invader,

And you wouldn't know the difference.

Or would you?

swallow.

and grow.

Life is full of contradictions isn't it?

I feel like I'm a person without a soul; without spirit or drive. But as much as I hate this auto-pilot lifestyle, I'm enjoying my lesser-obligations way of life.

Looks like the last week was the LAST week.

Been on MC the past 2 days so I can't go in for the final 2 days of work.. which is quite weird. Have you noticed? I ALWAYS fall sick on the last week of work.. like somehow my body knows everything's ending and it's not willing to hang on for a couple more days.

I don't admit it because I'm too proud to do so but I think I'm gonna be at least a lil' bummed out over having lost this job. Well, lost is not the right word but the fact lies that I'm jobless again. Getting a job, earning some money is like taking the next step towards gaining independence and being less frowned upon by the family. And now that this is over, I'm sure the " have you been applying for jobs " naggings are gonna come flooding in again.

If they are nagging because they are concerned, I can neither see or feel it. It's like they nag just for the sake of nagging.. for the sake of me not disgracing them rather than because they want their daughter/niece/that girl to grow up being successful.

So the job was good because I get to be further away from them; away from their stares and words but it compromised my exercise time, my me-time and other non-monetary things. And I'm not sure where to draw the line of being balanced.

That said, I'm also glad that it has all ended. Firstly because I was totally over-exhausted over last week's posting at Turf City. Somehow, I think the travelling was what made me so worn out. Also, it's high time I focused all my energy into applying for full-time jobs.. IF I may.

Oh, and not to mention all their surprises. Damn those " come in at 10 tomorrow " messages.

Sigh, why does it all have to be so hard?

gastric flu is like having a hangover without the alcohol. and much more.

feel so sick.

I live my life and I'll do what I want to make ME happy and I shan't care if that makes you happy or not.

If you can hurt me, why can't I hurt you?

Why do you still insist on sending me on these guilt trips?

Hey There Delilah

man down; man down!

If I were to pen down these words in my head,

do you think I can maybe piece out a song?

Was listening to Basket Case over and over again.

Do you have the time

To listen to me whine?

About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those -

melodramatic fools.

Neurotic to the bone

no doubt about it.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

It all keeps adding up,

I think I'm cracking up!

Or am I just paranoid ?

Am I just stoned?

Until I remembered about Pachelbel's Rant.

Still so funny.

Seems like frustrations like this helps clock my best timing.

At the expense of an effing abdominal pain.

Gotta be strong.

Good sun for a swim today.

"OOHHHHHHH!"

Could you ever know how much I care?

Could you ever know that out somewhere,

there's a boy who really hurts?

Managed to knock off work early the other day and while I was driving home, I noticed that there was a cricket/softball/baseball field on the opposite road and there were people playing there. Without thinking, I immediately made a U-turn and parked right behind a string of cars that probably belonged to spectators of the game. Was in the mood for Sublime so I put on the CD, lowered the chair and started drifting off.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there and then. I've never been a huge fan of softball - much less Singapore's softball. But it felt right. With Brad's voice blasting in the car and my mind drifting in and out of zzz, I could've sworn for a split second, I was back at the softball pitch. It was both disturbing and nice and I could have spent the rest of the evening there pretending to be Nicholas Cage in 'The Matchstick Men'.

But I felt like a creepy stalker after about half an hour ( of course unofficially, I was also afraid of being caught by a traffic police ) so I decided to leave. By then, my body was taking control of the wheel and in the spur of a moment, I found myself speeding towards Pasir Ris Park.

( Wished so badly I had a DSLR then. Sunday afternoon by the beach? Perfect photo-taking opportunity. )

Have you ever wondered when the last time you went kite-flying was? And were that good times?

Except for images of a loong white string coiled around a Yakult bottle, I have almost ZERO recollection of how it was like to fly a kite. But as I was strolling down the beach, I saw kids running around trying to get their kites up high in the sky. The children's laughter were beautiful. Makes me wonder if we would laugh as heartedly as them or would we be too cool to run around the field with a string attached to your hand? Off-hand, I can already list off some people who will NOT go kite flying because we're too old.

Anyway the point is, I've never been a go-to-the-beach-alone type person and it felt weird. But good as well. Nothing concise was going through my mind yet it felt like it was exploding with thoughts trying to run straight out into the sea and never return.

It was a very contradictory experience.. very painful yet very nice. Somewhat like how the skype date with Matej was last night. And I can see that it was the same for him as well. Especially when we started talking about how things were and how much we missed spending time together. A topic we avoided until the very end.

It has always been a love-hate relationship with Matej. More love than hate but oh god, there were times where I wanted so much to strangle him. But those instances don't last and by the end of it all, either one of us would attempt to make up in the oddest way ever.

" smoke? "

" we are watching a movie upstairs. Come join us if you want. "

" Want my tuna? "

haha. really weird.

But it was amazing how we could still finish off each other's sentences last night. Like we've been friends for years. And he's probably the only person that I can reminisce with without feeling.. stupid? Guniang? I can't find the right word.

I hope his plan to come really works.

Picture this.

In a setting exactly like that Christmas Party.

*round of applause.

music.

Yvonne (sitting alone, guitar on hand ) : " This next song is quite simply the greatest composition in human history. And if you disagree, I will fight you. "

Sniggers by people like Justin who recognized the song.

Gonna find my baby gonna hold her tight gonna grab some afternooon delight.

My motto's always been when it's right it's right,

why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

*Casey walks out slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and Yvonne: Wheeenn everything's a little clearer in the light of day.

Anndd you know that night is always gonna be there anywayy.

*Casey's brother walks in slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and his bro:

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( BIGGG horny grin ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT! Afternoon delight! AAaaah ahh afternoon delight. Aahh ahh afternoon deli-ight.

All:

Started out this morning feeling so polite,

I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.

But you've got some bait-a-waiting and I think I might,

Try nibbling ( low voice, cheeky seductive eyebrow raising to the audience ) a little afternoon delight.

All: Sky rockets in flight!

Justin (from the last row in the audience + really feeeeling it like he always does ): Pooooooo!

* proud friends in the audience laughs; old people who cannot quite understand the craziness of the youngsters laugh.

All: Afternoon delight!

Casey does the solo.

Justin: woooop!

All: AAahh ahh afternoon delight! AAahh ahh afternoon deli-igght!

Casey's bro does the flute.

Casey looks at Sigrid flirtatiously for affirmation. I look at my friends for mine. They smile back.

Casey and Yvonne ( Casey's bro does the really hard high pitch harmonizing ): Pleeassee be waiting for me baby when I come arounnd. We could make a lot of love before the sun goes downn.

All ( with a lil' sychronized dumb left right front back action ):

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( including young audience and older ones who are crazy enough ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT!

Audience: Pooooooo!

All: AFTERNOON DELIGHT!

Audience: wooop!

All: Aah ah afternoon delight! Aah ah afternoon delight! Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhh

Casey's bro: We sound good.

Yvonne: We sound really good.

Casey: I'm freaking out. We sound GREAT!

silence.

All: Afternoon delight!

Melody.

Proud friends in the audience laughs from deep within their belly and clap.

• Justin reminds me of 'Afternoon Delight'
• I'm not being narcissist - Casey and his bro are better singers/players/funnier than me hence they do the tougher harmonizing ( which I not so secretly want to learn )
• No idea why it's Casey, his bro and me.
• No idea why I'm doing this at this hour.
• No one left yet.
• Matej, Kelsey, Agata, Karolina laughs real hard and looks like they were really enjoying the show. :) They think we're sexy. hahaha.
• Matej keeps yelling, " Oh My Gawd!"
• Crazy Celia is laughing at how dumb we looked. Seriously woman.
• Julie, Sharen, Evelyn, Yumi, Jana gets totally swooned over by Casey's bro.
• Sigrid is so proud of Casey she could've cried.
• Ann, Joe, Rita, J.P, Mara looks on with pride.
• I can see Sarah, Nick and Orval probably rolling their eyes at how dumb we looked. Then Sarah laughs. ( I can literally hear it. )
• Becky and Juliann doesn't understand the lyrics but they love the spirit. They were laughing too. Not too heartedly though.
• Now I cannot stop thinking of how I sang the song loudly in front of Kelsey. WITH ALL THE WRONG LYRICS! I think I was screaming, " Fly Robinsons fly! " ( with tons of gusto! ) for like a million times until she went, " ermmm, I think you're singing it wrong. " ZOMG!
• I will stage the perfect show one day and show the people downstairs that I'm better off without them.

Am sitting at Vivo's rooftop right now. It's 545pm - dinner time and most certainly the best time during working hours. I love sitting by the bench, looking at all the kids/teenagers/adults/old folks strut around the waddle pool right before heading over to the harbour for a quick smoke.

It's time like this do I wish I have a DSLR to capture a baby in pampers stumbling around the pool. Or kids making all kinds of geyser-like splashes as they chase one another. Once in a while, a kid would fall and the rest would crowd around trying to pacify him/her. I could even say I saw a boy offer his lollipop to cheer her up today and it wouldn't be weird but such wonderful scenes only happens in TV shows.

The point is,

Even kids knows how to care for one another.

What about adults?

3 weeks into this job and I'm starting to feel like I'm living a mafia way of life in the store. Somewhat like school actually, where different people have their different 'backings' so they'll look cool or won't get bullied by others. It's always good to have someone watch your back you know.

Likewise, everyone in the store has their own 'backing' and thankfully, I'm in the right gang of aunties (G.O.A) where the big boss is the most experienced and hence, most respected lady ( because nobody dares to step on her toes since she's been there even longer than the supervisor ). They tell me when's too early to leave or when's too late to leave ( can you believe this last phrase? ) or they'll go, " little girl ( they can't really get my name right ), stop pouring samples. Start packing up and wait for my cue to leave " or " little girl, don't leave before me. The supervisors here likes to pick on the newcomers. Tell me where or when you wanna go and I'll lead the way and they won't give you any trouble. "

woo hoo.

But even though they are always looking out for me, I still think they lack a certain compassion in them.

A wheel-chaired guy came by our puny lane today. He could talk fine but even holding a small paper cup proved a challenge to him. When he stopped to try my drink, we spoke for a while. Ok, MORE than a while and I have to admit that there were awkward silences for the most part but he still tried his best to yak on.

Unfortunately the G.O.A weren't too pleased with that. Not with me talking but with the man 'blocking the way'. And they didn't put it too nicely. ALL of them were complaining about how he was obstructing business or the human traffic after he left.

Hell, they get upset even when the Haagen-Daz promoter asks me to help her throw her rubbish on my way out.

Is this how the lifestyle here is right now? Or is it just the 'modern generation'? Does everything have to be in such a rush? Even co-workers don't bother to smile or nod at each other when we walk past each other at the back. Most of the time, I feel like an idiot always trying to be friendly.

And the truth is, when that cleaning uncle went overboard today, I felt good asking him to shut up. ( see, mafia. ) But, I felt bad thereafter because.. well, he's a senior and I shouldn't be so sarcastic to him. But he shouldn't be yelling at me FIRST. Especially in the middle of the crowd when I did nothing wrong. You know how that makes me mad.

Assumptions. tsk. Always makes an ASS of U and ME.

The most important question is..

Am I going to be like that as I grow older?

This is a screwed up place.

1:52 - 2:17

Love the solo.

Definitely more 'O.C' than 'P.S I love you'.

1) IamnotaquitterIamnotaquitterIamnotaquitter.

Quitting is NOT an option.

2) Stop procrastinating! Start finding ways to leave.

3) Stop looking for your mum's affirmation. It doesn't happen and the sooner to realize that, the sooner you can leave this behind.

4) Stop expecting your family to treat you with respect. That does not happen either and things will be easier if you rid yourself of such expectations.

5) You depend on no one but yourself.

6) Don't forget to be a friend.

Still can't decipher you.

Relatives are coming in tomorrow through Sunday. Alvin has a room that would be freaking empty because he will be at camp most of the week. I have to go to work early in the morning every single day they are here. But guess what,

I have to vacate my room just because she thinks her sons will never let go of their room.

She confuses me all the time.

Seriously,

Why are they always at the top of her priority?

Why can't she be rational for once?

I'm really tired of this struggle.

Don't wanna fight no more.

Don't even need your love. Just PLEASE, be fair.

Do you know how tiring it is to play the role of a husband, a daughter and a shield?

Do you know how important having the faith is for your daughter?

But it's too late for that.

I gotta learn how to quit being a wuss and start walking away.

I've always been your unfilial child anyway.

She said that if he was around, our lives could be worst off.

...

It's because of flashbacks like this do I not want to drink anymore.

But I know I'll miss Xie if I ever do leave Singapore.

But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

The witch in grandma came out again today and damn it, just like how mother received most of the scolding even though her brother's the one that caused the fury,

She turned the bloody arrow in MY direction.

Left my PSP at the gym last night so I got Sui Ku to go retrieve it since it's at his place. But mr smart-alec over there decided to prank me and claimed that he couldn't find it. AND that someone else went into the gym right before he left and was using the machine I was on.

So the bottom line was, the stuff's gone. At least until he had his share of fun.

That's when everything became.. weird. Sorta. At that very moment when sui ku told me it was gone, I didn't think of the money; I didn't think of the movies; I didn't even think of the music, much less the games. What I was frantic about, however, were the pictures. Even though I have them all stashed up in my harddisk.

So I'm staring at the pinboard right now, looking at it the same way I was staring at them when I first put it up. The same way I've been staring at it every so often and with Weezer in the background, I can't stop thinking,

" We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever - we'll never feel that (bad) anymoree. "

How do you keep saying the same thing without dulling the meaning of it?

But somehow, I cannot help but feel like I'm telling the big guy things that are meant for another.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.

Across the water across the deep blue ocean.

Under the open sky, oh my,

Baby I'm trying.

What's my bearing?

I'm really quite scared.

Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.

FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING BIASED MOTHER OF MINE!

Definitely too much anger in me right now.

Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Can't write what I say,

Can't say what I write.

Everytime I try,

My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,

Maybe make that two.

For at this very moment,

My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.

Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.

Why dream?

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?

How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?

Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.

Think of me, Think of me waking

Silent and resigned.

Imagine me trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.

Think of those things we'll never do.

There will never be a day

When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me.

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.

I'm home.

And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..

1) really enjoyed the trip.

2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.

3) love my free time

4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.

Goodnight.

I just want to tell you nothing

you don't want to hear.

All I want is for you to say..

Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.

It's been 2 months since I got back.. 2 months and a day to be exact and even though I really enjoy the space and hate the thought of being tied down by a job, the thought of me having spent the past 2 months lazing around sickens me.

Alex got me a digital frame for ze birthday. Xie and Emily both treated me to (a HUGE) dinner and drinks respectively [note to self: repay.when.rich.] and there's even a cake this year! So except for grandma's moody, jealous and disgusting face, it was a good day. I even had a Kristen Dunst movie marathon! Though I've never really been a fan of hers. Oh wells.

Been spending the past couple of days with Xie and Emily lately. Who would've ever thought the three of us would hang out together one day? Strange world. But I guess it's uncertainties like this that helps make each day different - for better or for worse. And I still think what Xie did for Emily was very nice.

So the moment I got the digital frame, I ripped the box and placed like tons of scenic yellowstone pictures in it and boy oh boy, it made me both happy and I guess nostalgic at the same time. It was perfect. Especially when I turn it on together with some sentimental music.

*sniff.

There are so many things I would so wanna buy if I had the money.

Top of the list? DSLR! Followed by The O.C soundtrack ( they have the best mix of music. THE BEST. ), a 3G phone, macbook. And of course, a huge portion would go to my savings for my future migration or a holiday home plan. I know, I've always talk about saving my money and it never happens. But so far, it's been going pretty well. Hopefully, it'll stay this way, or get better with more money.

Sigh, if I were a rich man..

I really want/need/yearn to get a DSLR asap. I've never seen Singapore as a place where beautiful pictures can be taken. But lately, I've seen so many picture perfect moments, so many opportunities. If only I had the camera. Oh and of course the skill. Which reminds me.. I should drop by the library to get myself one of those camera books while I'm still bumming around.

The past couple of days have also been pretty mind boggling for me. Singapore Airshow offered me the Marcom position which I feel could be very useful for my resume in the future, be it in or out of Singapore. But the pay and the terms of the contract were just too much. It practically yells " cheap labour! " in a thousand and one words. But to turn away a money making opportunity just wasn't easy.

Generally, everyone except my mum ( ok and Xie who's nagging at us to get a job SOON ) thinks that the job wasn't worth considering. So I finally wrote in and turned down the offer today. Surprisingly, the moment I hit the 'send' button.. I felt relieved and like I didn't make the wrong choice. In retrospect, I'm sure if I accepted the job, I'ld be feeling upset about the pay and wondering if I made the wrong move. So there, I think I've finally made the right choice.

In other totally random news,

I miss the smell of nature so much.

Have you ever experienced a sense of longing, minus-ing the pain that comes with it?

America really has brought to me a whole set of emotions I've never had before.

Really miss the sceneries, the snow and many more..

DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR!

To all of you American girls,

it's hard to imagine a world without you.

American girls,

I'ld like to be part of the world around you.

Driving a car by the seaside.

Watching the world from the bright side.

Feel that?

I hate it when people think that I am a lost case and behaves all superior than me.

I hate it even more when I start thinking that I am a lost case and let people behave all superior than me.

Less of pain, more of miss.

Everyday I run away from such emotions.

Everyday I get a day closer to making the wrong decisions again.

Every night I come face to face with this sense of worthlessness.

It's like I'm chasing my own tail. Over and over and over again.

Certainties disappear.

What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Never thought I'ld see Old Faithful go off again.

Sadly, this picture is even better than those I've taken with my 3.2 MegaPixel camera.

So anyway, Emily and I decided to meet up last night to have some sort of a career discussion. As always, that didn't work out. It eventually turned into an impromptu midnight picnic-by-the-beach, Dirty Dancing 2 and sleepover thing. I know sounds so romantic right? Too bad she's in a 5 year old relationship.

But only 5 mins into Dirty Dancing, we got irritated at how the music's always louder than the dialogue. So I suggested watching the movie with earphones. My laptop had two earphone sockets and we didn't know about hers so she said she'ld check it out before deciding if we should watch it on my computer instead. But even before she could reach for her computer, we got distracted by other conversational topics.

Halfway through though, in the middle of an absolutely random discussion, I jumped out of bed to grab my earphones and yelled out, " Hey Emily, so how many holes do you have? "

" Three. "

!@#$%^&$#

I think she misunderstood my question.

An American TALE.

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Had to stand in for mother for some godparent duty in church yesterday so I entered the chapel for the first time in YEARS. Took the opportunity to visit father's urn and when I saw it, guilt hit me almost instantly.

I remember when it first happened, I used to visit everyday. Then every week. Slowly, it morphed to every month and now, once in a few years. Are the dead forgotten so easily?

But dad hasn't been forgotten.

Standing in front of the urn, I kept thinking of how lonely dad might be, of how the place has changed, of how I haven't wiped the plate for a long time, of how mother would look like standing there praying, complaining, crying and asking for strength.

Guilt overload.

Anyways, it's really been a long time since I've been into church and I kept thinking back of the times we had to go for Catechism or Sunday classes. The church and especially those lessons were hardly a holy place for us lil' kids. Most of the time, I went to class only to see those hot St. Anthony chicks. Ha. That's where they hang out and parade.

So for that short 30 mins briefing yesterday, I couldn't help but take a peek around.

Looks like I haven't missed much all those years.

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?

Or are you going back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you,

Someone's gonna thank the stars above.

I've always had this childhood fantasy of running my own broadway. Be it to act, to direct, to conduct or to combine everything. And with the music, the lighting and the atmosphere, it would be the best show ever.

Just weeks ago, I was so fired up and convinced that I won't allow myself to be just another corporate slave. That I will find a job that I love and not a job that I need. That something big is waiting for me out there.

But it suddenly dawned on me today that I've been sending out resumes to places I've never even imagined myself in before. And this realization makes me feel like I've eroded my principles ( or what little of them I have ) in order to survive in this world.

It IS tough doing what you want to do. It is tough when the opportunities comes out at the wrong time and when hardly anyone around you seems to have that faith that it's gonna happen.

Yea sure, friends and sometimes, family will always be there to give that support. But how many truly believes that it is possible? I dare say 90% of the people who have heard my usual speech thinks that i'm living in an unrealistic realm.

And they are absolutely right.

We need money. We need fame. We need acknowledgements. That's business. " Money is not the most important thing in the world. But money can help you get many things. " That's what mother always says. And I see what she means.

Money hasn't been so important to me before. But it is now. I've reached the point in my life where I have to break out and be independent. And much as I hate to admit it, we need the cash to break free. At least enough to get us somewhere.

But living the dream ain't that easy. Sometimes I really do feel like giving up. And I think I might have slipped up a lil' here and there along the way.

But right at the point where I was about to give up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon an old CD of mine which had tons of oldies that dad used to listen to.

Maybe that's his lil' sign of encouragement. Right there.

Nothing is impossible.

Close to 30 resumes sent and yet.. only 1 interview was lined up.

Even the Zoo isn't responding.

This fresh graduate had better get employed soon or she'll no longer be fresh.

I like turning off all the lights in the room and blasting Matsuri on stereo.

The rustic asian tribal feel to it totally gets me going.

So the day started out pretty badly today.

I woke up with emotions i didn't wanna face and stumbled upon things I shouldn't see.

Somehow, I just wanted to like dig a hole somewhere and meditate, or wallow in self-pity or just look plain stupid. The dog in me must have been taking over then.

Whichever the case, I felt ( or feel ) extremely vexed and really needed to be alone. But even after spending a great deal of time at Estella, something was still weighing at the back of my mind and it was starting to irritate the hell outta me.

So by dinner time, I wasn't really interested in meeting Emily and KS at Ikea anymore but I was too lazy to call in and cancel on them. After all, it would be my virgin trip to Tampines's Ikea and I have been putting it off for a long time now. The frustrating part was, however, how I was, for less-than-5-times in my life, earlier than them. And as the minutes ticked by, my patience were running thinner and thinner and my temper was increasing bit by bit. What's more, I was really hungry and you know how a hungry man is an angry man. Makes me wonder how they could have spent so much time waiting for me in the past. Thank god I had my good ol' ipod with me and that helped soothe me ALOT.

But ultimately, I was glad I didn't cancel on today.

The Ikea trip was an ordinary trip.. nothing special but it was a pretty good breather for me. Lately, I've always felt like my body's on an auto-pilot mode so a change in environment, even if it was a temporary one like this, helped.

As we were strolling down the aisles, we stumbled upon this show room that was meant for a single occupant. The room wasn't big.. only 22 sq. metre but it was beautiful - An ideal size for a man and perhaps, it's dog or cat.

That's what Ikea does to you, doesn't it? It starts turning the wheels in your head and makes you want so much to own your own apartment quickly. I reckon that a room that size, or maybe even smaller would be perfect for me but.. money money money, always funny, in a rich man's world.

Anyways, the 3 of us have been spending farrr too much time together this week. I can safely say we haven't gone for more than 2 days without seeing each other. And it does come as a shock because Emily and I weren't exactly buddy-buddy material to begin with. Not that we are now either but I'm glad that things are the way they are. Not close enough to confide in them; but close enough to spend time together without having awkward moments.

There are many times in life where we look back and regret not cherishing those moments. I know i should start treasuring my time now before I find a job, look back and regret not enjoying my unemployed life. But still, somewhere in me, I know bigger things are waiting for me out there. And i'm totally wasting my time not pursuing them.

But then again, you gotta be rich to be crazy, right?

On a lighter note, Sharen and Evelyn ( Taiwanese girls i met at ynp ) sent me postcards from NYC and it arrived today. Totally made my day. :)

Sidenote: Old faithful closed for the season yesterday.

Oh why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

Friend or foe? How can you ever tell?

Have you ever given your trust completely to a person. Even though he or she has failed you time and time again. Only to see history repeat itself?

Have you ever given your all into something, only to be met with confusion and more questions?

Have you ever felt like your mind was operating in a fixated mode? Where other opinions were inpenetrable only to realize that everything was wrong to begin with?

Have you ever felt like a fool?

Conviction. That's a fool's journey.

I wonder if it's only the food that's giving my stomach this constant pain.

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

EXTREMEMLY sleep deprived.

Fuck this.
I want to go back to before I left Singapore.

Was talking to Julie today.

Julie's a Taiwanese girl I met over at Old Faithful. Apart from her very mature disposition, perhaps the coolest thing about Julie is that she's living the life I want.. and finding no problem with that.

I really admire Julie's determination and how she's in control of her life. She has a degree in Psychology; she's applying for grad school in America and guess what, she's into community service as well. All without the 100% support from her family. Once, I asked her how she was able to convince her parents to let her do it. And her response was, " This is my life and I know what I want. I will not let anyone stop me from achieving what I want because if I do, they will all become excuses for me to be lazy. "

Then she smiled.

I can still remember that look in her eyes.

Somehow, that look sparked up that fire again. And it reminded me of how much satisfaction I've gotten out of the Chiang Mai and Nanjing trip. Pudong wasn't a bad trip, except, I still feel like the whole 'power-struggle' thing and the responsibility of making sure everyone was safe and enjoying themselves etc eroded the whole meaning of that trip, at least for me. In a way, I failed in bringing out that, " make others happy and you will be happy " sentiment in the team.

So anyway, Julie wants to serve in Africa before she goes back to the states to study. And she has been going all out in finding the right organization. She has finally found it and she has asked me to join her - But it costs over 3000 USD to participate in that program. I wish I had that kind of money.

Come to think of it, she's probably the only person I know who feels the same way about undertaking a project like this. And you know the beauty of it all? It's how much more satisfying a trip like this would be when we are just mere participants.

Julie's like a reminder from somewhere up there, to stop finding excuses, and start materializing my words.

It's time to step out of my comfort zone once more.

Well, if you want to sing out,
sing out.
And if you want to be free,
be free.

I can only turn to you now.

Pissed and ready to kick ass.

I swear there are times where I feel like I am relay system here - only the relay system and nothing else. Neither capable of having my own stand nor capable of saying or doing anything except to get the blame.

Alvin recently got himself a motorcycle.. secretly.
Mother's been preaching to us since we were young on how she will never let her children ride a bike.
So i became the relay person.. each asking me to convince the other party.

Eventually, mother blamed it on me.. over and over again. She either insinuated that I encouraged him to buy it or directly told me how i haven't stopped him.

I hated that tone in her voice.

Truth is, I never knew he was taking lessons much less owning a bike until hours before the bike came. And fuck it, I was goddamn worried myself.

Then grandma and sui ku fought last night. She apparantly wants to disown him for not being there when the aircon man came to install a new unit. She was trembling so bad with anger last night. At one point, I was pretty sure she was at the brink of bursting into tears.

But mum ran away. She came back home, leaving me there alone to let grandma yell at.

And when I saw her, surprise surprise.. she blamed me for going to the gym and not being at home to help grandma.

I really hated that tone in her voice.

And guess what,
1) I never knew they bought an aircon.
2) Grandma was the one who nagged at me the whole morning to go to the gym because i was getting fat.


Seriously, I've never seen a more hypocritical group of people before.
I mean, maybe it's worst out there in the working world. But this is a family for crying out loud. A family who's too blinded by favourtism and their own egos.

Since that first and last fight i've had with mother after I came back, I've been taking the backseat when it comes to anything with this family. And I loved it. I love how I've found the perfect place to stay away from them all. And I don't even have to lie. I just have to do stuff to keep me healthy. It's a win-win situation!

And by taking the silent role, I hear almost every gossip about one another. And it's like.. in front of each another, they say one thing. Behind their backs, another. OMG. This is not a work place - this is a bloody family.

Except for favourtism, I can find no other reason why everyone's stepping on each other.

Even my mum!

Hell, I still don't understand why she makes such a big issue about me wanting to leave. I mean, she complains to random stranger on how she's still trying to convince me to stay... when i'm standing right there! I was referred to the third person when I was listening to it. How stupid did she take me?

But she told Alvin that she thinks it's better for her if I leave.
Alright.. then please stop pulling that pity card on me. And stop planning our future together.

I really don't get you, woman.

And Alex tells Alvin that the whole bike thing is cool. But tells mother that Alvin's always behaving so irresponsibly.

Sui ku tells us how Sui Kim's a crazy woman. But he always hides behind her when he's in trouble.. and she never once turned him down.

OMG. too much politics!

I want out. out out out.

Masquerade,
paper faces on parade.
Masquerade,
Hide your face so the world will never find you.

Softly, deftly music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it secretly poseess you.
Open up you mind let your fantasies unwind -
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.

The darkness of the music of the night.

Never felt like I have to be an older sibling till now.

I hate myself for mocking Ris Low but you just have to join in the fun when National TV starts doing shit like this.

My Way.

Yes there were times - I'm sure you knew.
When I bit off, more than I could chew.
but through it all, when there was doubt.
I ate it up - and spit it out!
Let the record show - I took the blow.

and did it MY WAY.

I remember the night at Bozeman's Inn.

Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".

The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.

Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.

There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.

Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.

One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.

Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.

But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!

The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.

This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.

Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?


So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?

Because..

I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.

I don't like this feeling.

Started a new book recently and it has words like Ibuprofen, Advil, Grateful Dead and Granola. Words whose meaning I would never understand before America - or before meeting Mara, Kelsey, Orval and again, Orval respectively.

Makes me wonder how I was able to speed past those words in the past.

Anyways, I've been having weird pangs of emotions tonight. Amongst them all, the more frequent ones were guilt, stupidity and in-filialty. Suddenly feel like a useless prick who has spent the past 22 years doing absolutely nothing meaningful at all. I'm really too protected here. Can't even break free without having to have to fight between what I want and what my conscience says.

Expectations overload.

I'm pretty sure this is due to the upcoming interview though. It's the exact same fear I have before every major paper. And the thing is I don't understand why i should feel that way.

There were pressure from exams because I can't afford to repeat any modules but this - I mean, there's no immediate threat to anything if i screw this up. Yet, I can't screw it.

Always have problems dealing with stress like this.

Wish I could be as brave as Mara.

If you can't catch a wave,
then you're never gonna ride it.