1) IamnotaquitterIamnotaquitterIamnotaquitter.

Quitting is NOT an option.

2) Stop procrastinating! Start finding ways to leave.

3) Stop looking for your mum's affirmation. It doesn't happen and the sooner to realize that, the sooner you can leave this behind.

4) Stop expecting your family to treat you with respect. That does not happen either and things will be easier if you rid yourself of such expectations.

5) You depend on no one but yourself.

6) Don't forget to be a friend.

Still can't decipher you.

Relatives are coming in tomorrow through Sunday. Alvin has a room that would be freaking empty because he will be at camp most of the week. I have to go to work early in the morning every single day they are here. But guess what,

I have to vacate my room just because she thinks her sons will never let go of their room.

She confuses me all the time.

Seriously,

Why are they always at the top of her priority?

Why can't she be rational for once?

I'm really tired of this struggle.

Don't wanna fight no more.

Don't even need your love. Just PLEASE, be fair.

Do you know how tiring it is to play the role of a husband, a daughter and a shield?

Do you know how important having the faith is for your daughter?

But it's too late for that.

I gotta learn how to quit being a wuss and start walking away.

I've always been your unfilial child anyway.

She said that if he was around, our lives could be worst off.

...

It's because of flashbacks like this do I not want to drink anymore.

But I know I'll miss Xie if I ever do leave Singapore.

But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

The witch in grandma came out again today and damn it, just like how mother received most of the scolding even though her brother's the one that caused the fury,

She turned the bloody arrow in MY direction.

Left my PSP at the gym last night so I got Sui Ku to go retrieve it since it's at his place. But mr smart-alec over there decided to prank me and claimed that he couldn't find it. AND that someone else went into the gym right before he left and was using the machine I was on.

So the bottom line was, the stuff's gone. At least until he had his share of fun.

That's when everything became.. weird. Sorta. At that very moment when sui ku told me it was gone, I didn't think of the money; I didn't think of the movies; I didn't even think of the music, much less the games. What I was frantic about, however, were the pictures. Even though I have them all stashed up in my harddisk.

So I'm staring at the pinboard right now, looking at it the same way I was staring at them when I first put it up. The same way I've been staring at it every so often and with Weezer in the background, I can't stop thinking,

" We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever - we'll never feel that (bad) anymoree. "

How do you keep saying the same thing without dulling the meaning of it?

But somehow, I cannot help but feel like I'm telling the big guy things that are meant for another.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.

Across the water across the deep blue ocean.

Under the open sky, oh my,

Baby I'm trying.

What's my bearing?

I'm really quite scared.

Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.

FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING BIASED MOTHER OF MINE!

Definitely too much anger in me right now.

Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Can't write what I say,

Can't say what I write.

Everytime I try,

My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,

Maybe make that two.

For at this very moment,

My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.

Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.

Why dream?

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?

How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?

Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.

Think of me, Think of me waking

Silent and resigned.

Imagine me trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.

Think of those things we'll never do.

There will never be a day

When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me.

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.

I'm home.

And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..

1) really enjoyed the trip.

2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.

3) love my free time

4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.

Goodnight.

I just want to tell you nothing

you don't want to hear.

All I want is for you to say..

Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.

It's been 2 months since I got back.. 2 months and a day to be exact and even though I really enjoy the space and hate the thought of being tied down by a job, the thought of me having spent the past 2 months lazing around sickens me.

Alex got me a digital frame for ze birthday. Xie and Emily both treated me to (a HUGE) dinner and drinks respectively [note to self: repay.when.rich.] and there's even a cake this year! So except for grandma's moody, jealous and disgusting face, it was a good day. I even had a Kristen Dunst movie marathon! Though I've never really been a fan of hers. Oh wells.

Been spending the past couple of days with Xie and Emily lately. Who would've ever thought the three of us would hang out together one day? Strange world. But I guess it's uncertainties like this that helps make each day different - for better or for worse. And I still think what Xie did for Emily was very nice.

So the moment I got the digital frame, I ripped the box and placed like tons of scenic yellowstone pictures in it and boy oh boy, it made me both happy and I guess nostalgic at the same time. It was perfect. Especially when I turn it on together with some sentimental music.

*sniff.

There are so many things I would so wanna buy if I had the money.

Top of the list? DSLR! Followed by The O.C soundtrack ( they have the best mix of music. THE BEST. ), a 3G phone, macbook. And of course, a huge portion would go to my savings for my future migration or a holiday home plan. I know, I've always talk about saving my money and it never happens. But so far, it's been going pretty well. Hopefully, it'll stay this way, or get better with more money.

Sigh, if I were a rich man..

I really want/need/yearn to get a DSLR asap. I've never seen Singapore as a place where beautiful pictures can be taken. But lately, I've seen so many picture perfect moments, so many opportunities. If only I had the camera. Oh and of course the skill. Which reminds me.. I should drop by the library to get myself one of those camera books while I'm still bumming around.

The past couple of days have also been pretty mind boggling for me. Singapore Airshow offered me the Marcom position which I feel could be very useful for my resume in the future, be it in or out of Singapore. But the pay and the terms of the contract were just too much. It practically yells " cheap labour! " in a thousand and one words. But to turn away a money making opportunity just wasn't easy.

Generally, everyone except my mum ( ok and Xie who's nagging at us to get a job SOON ) thinks that the job wasn't worth considering. So I finally wrote in and turned down the offer today. Surprisingly, the moment I hit the 'send' button.. I felt relieved and like I didn't make the wrong choice. In retrospect, I'm sure if I accepted the job, I'ld be feeling upset about the pay and wondering if I made the wrong move. So there, I think I've finally made the right choice.

In other totally random news,

I miss the smell of nature so much.

Have you ever experienced a sense of longing, minus-ing the pain that comes with it?

America really has brought to me a whole set of emotions I've never had before.

Really miss the sceneries, the snow and many more..

DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR!

To all of you American girls,

it's hard to imagine a world without you.

American girls,

I'ld like to be part of the world around you.

Driving a car by the seaside.

Watching the world from the bright side.

Feel that?

I hate it when people think that I am a lost case and behaves all superior than me.

I hate it even more when I start thinking that I am a lost case and let people behave all superior than me.

Less of pain, more of miss.

Everyday I run away from such emotions.

Everyday I get a day closer to making the wrong decisions again.

Every night I come face to face with this sense of worthlessness.

It's like I'm chasing my own tail. Over and over and over again.

Certainties disappear.

What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Never thought I'ld see Old Faithful go off again.

Sadly, this picture is even better than those I've taken with my 3.2 MegaPixel camera.

So anyway, Emily and I decided to meet up last night to have some sort of a career discussion. As always, that didn't work out. It eventually turned into an impromptu midnight picnic-by-the-beach, Dirty Dancing 2 and sleepover thing. I know sounds so romantic right? Too bad she's in a 5 year old relationship.

But only 5 mins into Dirty Dancing, we got irritated at how the music's always louder than the dialogue. So I suggested watching the movie with earphones. My laptop had two earphone sockets and we didn't know about hers so she said she'ld check it out before deciding if we should watch it on my computer instead. But even before she could reach for her computer, we got distracted by other conversational topics.

Halfway through though, in the middle of an absolutely random discussion, I jumped out of bed to grab my earphones and yelled out, " Hey Emily, so how many holes do you have? "

" Three. "

!@#$%^&$#

I think she misunderstood my question.

An American TALE.

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Had to stand in for mother for some godparent duty in church yesterday so I entered the chapel for the first time in YEARS. Took the opportunity to visit father's urn and when I saw it, guilt hit me almost instantly.

I remember when it first happened, I used to visit everyday. Then every week. Slowly, it morphed to every month and now, once in a few years. Are the dead forgotten so easily?

But dad hasn't been forgotten.

Standing in front of the urn, I kept thinking of how lonely dad might be, of how the place has changed, of how I haven't wiped the plate for a long time, of how mother would look like standing there praying, complaining, crying and asking for strength.

Guilt overload.

Anyways, it's really been a long time since I've been into church and I kept thinking back of the times we had to go for Catechism or Sunday classes. The church and especially those lessons were hardly a holy place for us lil' kids. Most of the time, I went to class only to see those hot St. Anthony chicks. Ha. That's where they hang out and parade.

So for that short 30 mins briefing yesterday, I couldn't help but take a peek around.

Looks like I haven't missed much all those years.

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?

Or are you going back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you,

Someone's gonna thank the stars above.

I've always had this childhood fantasy of running my own broadway. Be it to act, to direct, to conduct or to combine everything. And with the music, the lighting and the atmosphere, it would be the best show ever.

Just weeks ago, I was so fired up and convinced that I won't allow myself to be just another corporate slave. That I will find a job that I love and not a job that I need. That something big is waiting for me out there.

But it suddenly dawned on me today that I've been sending out resumes to places I've never even imagined myself in before. And this realization makes me feel like I've eroded my principles ( or what little of them I have ) in order to survive in this world.

It IS tough doing what you want to do. It is tough when the opportunities comes out at the wrong time and when hardly anyone around you seems to have that faith that it's gonna happen.

Yea sure, friends and sometimes, family will always be there to give that support. But how many truly believes that it is possible? I dare say 90% of the people who have heard my usual speech thinks that i'm living in an unrealistic realm.

And they are absolutely right.

We need money. We need fame. We need acknowledgements. That's business. " Money is not the most important thing in the world. But money can help you get many things. " That's what mother always says. And I see what she means.

Money hasn't been so important to me before. But it is now. I've reached the point in my life where I have to break out and be independent. And much as I hate to admit it, we need the cash to break free. At least enough to get us somewhere.

But living the dream ain't that easy. Sometimes I really do feel like giving up. And I think I might have slipped up a lil' here and there along the way.

But right at the point where I was about to give up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon an old CD of mine which had tons of oldies that dad used to listen to.

Maybe that's his lil' sign of encouragement. Right there.

Nothing is impossible.

Close to 30 resumes sent and yet.. only 1 interview was lined up.

Even the Zoo isn't responding.

This fresh graduate had better get employed soon or she'll no longer be fresh.

I like turning off all the lights in the room and blasting Matsuri on stereo.

The rustic asian tribal feel to it totally gets me going.

So the day started out pretty badly today.

I woke up with emotions i didn't wanna face and stumbled upon things I shouldn't see.

Somehow, I just wanted to like dig a hole somewhere and meditate, or wallow in self-pity or just look plain stupid. The dog in me must have been taking over then.

Whichever the case, I felt ( or feel ) extremely vexed and really needed to be alone. But even after spending a great deal of time at Estella, something was still weighing at the back of my mind and it was starting to irritate the hell outta me.

So by dinner time, I wasn't really interested in meeting Emily and KS at Ikea anymore but I was too lazy to call in and cancel on them. After all, it would be my virgin trip to Tampines's Ikea and I have been putting it off for a long time now. The frustrating part was, however, how I was, for less-than-5-times in my life, earlier than them. And as the minutes ticked by, my patience were running thinner and thinner and my temper was increasing bit by bit. What's more, I was really hungry and you know how a hungry man is an angry man. Makes me wonder how they could have spent so much time waiting for me in the past. Thank god I had my good ol' ipod with me and that helped soothe me ALOT.

But ultimately, I was glad I didn't cancel on today.

The Ikea trip was an ordinary trip.. nothing special but it was a pretty good breather for me. Lately, I've always felt like my body's on an auto-pilot mode so a change in environment, even if it was a temporary one like this, helped.

As we were strolling down the aisles, we stumbled upon this show room that was meant for a single occupant. The room wasn't big.. only 22 sq. metre but it was beautiful - An ideal size for a man and perhaps, it's dog or cat.

That's what Ikea does to you, doesn't it? It starts turning the wheels in your head and makes you want so much to own your own apartment quickly. I reckon that a room that size, or maybe even smaller would be perfect for me but.. money money money, always funny, in a rich man's world.

Anyways, the 3 of us have been spending farrr too much time together this week. I can safely say we haven't gone for more than 2 days without seeing each other. And it does come as a shock because Emily and I weren't exactly buddy-buddy material to begin with. Not that we are now either but I'm glad that things are the way they are. Not close enough to confide in them; but close enough to spend time together without having awkward moments.

There are many times in life where we look back and regret not cherishing those moments. I know i should start treasuring my time now before I find a job, look back and regret not enjoying my unemployed life. But still, somewhere in me, I know bigger things are waiting for me out there. And i'm totally wasting my time not pursuing them.

But then again, you gotta be rich to be crazy, right?

On a lighter note, Sharen and Evelyn ( Taiwanese girls i met at ynp ) sent me postcards from NYC and it arrived today. Totally made my day. :)

Sidenote: Old faithful closed for the season yesterday.

Oh why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

Friend or foe? How can you ever tell?

Have you ever given your trust completely to a person. Even though he or she has failed you time and time again. Only to see history repeat itself?

Have you ever given your all into something, only to be met with confusion and more questions?

Have you ever felt like your mind was operating in a fixated mode? Where other opinions were inpenetrable only to realize that everything was wrong to begin with?

Have you ever felt like a fool?

Conviction. That's a fool's journey.

I wonder if it's only the food that's giving my stomach this constant pain.

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

EXTREMEMLY sleep deprived.

Fuck this.
I want to go back to before I left Singapore.

Was talking to Julie today.

Julie's a Taiwanese girl I met over at Old Faithful. Apart from her very mature disposition, perhaps the coolest thing about Julie is that she's living the life I want.. and finding no problem with that.

I really admire Julie's determination and how she's in control of her life. She has a degree in Psychology; she's applying for grad school in America and guess what, she's into community service as well. All without the 100% support from her family. Once, I asked her how she was able to convince her parents to let her do it. And her response was, " This is my life and I know what I want. I will not let anyone stop me from achieving what I want because if I do, they will all become excuses for me to be lazy. "

Then she smiled.

I can still remember that look in her eyes.

Somehow, that look sparked up that fire again. And it reminded me of how much satisfaction I've gotten out of the Chiang Mai and Nanjing trip. Pudong wasn't a bad trip, except, I still feel like the whole 'power-struggle' thing and the responsibility of making sure everyone was safe and enjoying themselves etc eroded the whole meaning of that trip, at least for me. In a way, I failed in bringing out that, " make others happy and you will be happy " sentiment in the team.

So anyway, Julie wants to serve in Africa before she goes back to the states to study. And she has been going all out in finding the right organization. She has finally found it and she has asked me to join her - But it costs over 3000 USD to participate in that program. I wish I had that kind of money.

Come to think of it, she's probably the only person I know who feels the same way about undertaking a project like this. And you know the beauty of it all? It's how much more satisfying a trip like this would be when we are just mere participants.

Julie's like a reminder from somewhere up there, to stop finding excuses, and start materializing my words.

It's time to step out of my comfort zone once more.

Well, if you want to sing out,
sing out.
And if you want to be free,
be free.

I can only turn to you now.

Pissed and ready to kick ass.

I swear there are times where I feel like I am relay system here - only the relay system and nothing else. Neither capable of having my own stand nor capable of saying or doing anything except to get the blame.

Alvin recently got himself a motorcycle.. secretly.
Mother's been preaching to us since we were young on how she will never let her children ride a bike.
So i became the relay person.. each asking me to convince the other party.

Eventually, mother blamed it on me.. over and over again. She either insinuated that I encouraged him to buy it or directly told me how i haven't stopped him.

I hated that tone in her voice.

Truth is, I never knew he was taking lessons much less owning a bike until hours before the bike came. And fuck it, I was goddamn worried myself.

Then grandma and sui ku fought last night. She apparantly wants to disown him for not being there when the aircon man came to install a new unit. She was trembling so bad with anger last night. At one point, I was pretty sure she was at the brink of bursting into tears.

But mum ran away. She came back home, leaving me there alone to let grandma yell at.

And when I saw her, surprise surprise.. she blamed me for going to the gym and not being at home to help grandma.

I really hated that tone in her voice.

And guess what,
1) I never knew they bought an aircon.
2) Grandma was the one who nagged at me the whole morning to go to the gym because i was getting fat.


Seriously, I've never seen a more hypocritical group of people before.
I mean, maybe it's worst out there in the working world. But this is a family for crying out loud. A family who's too blinded by favourtism and their own egos.

Since that first and last fight i've had with mother after I came back, I've been taking the backseat when it comes to anything with this family. And I loved it. I love how I've found the perfect place to stay away from them all. And I don't even have to lie. I just have to do stuff to keep me healthy. It's a win-win situation!

And by taking the silent role, I hear almost every gossip about one another. And it's like.. in front of each another, they say one thing. Behind their backs, another. OMG. This is not a work place - this is a bloody family.

Except for favourtism, I can find no other reason why everyone's stepping on each other.

Even my mum!

Hell, I still don't understand why she makes such a big issue about me wanting to leave. I mean, she complains to random stranger on how she's still trying to convince me to stay... when i'm standing right there! I was referred to the third person when I was listening to it. How stupid did she take me?

But she told Alvin that she thinks it's better for her if I leave.
Alright.. then please stop pulling that pity card on me. And stop planning our future together.

I really don't get you, woman.

And Alex tells Alvin that the whole bike thing is cool. But tells mother that Alvin's always behaving so irresponsibly.

Sui ku tells us how Sui Kim's a crazy woman. But he always hides behind her when he's in trouble.. and she never once turned him down.

OMG. too much politics!

I want out. out out out.

Masquerade,
paper faces on parade.
Masquerade,
Hide your face so the world will never find you.

Softly, deftly music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it secretly poseess you.
Open up you mind let your fantasies unwind -
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.

The darkness of the music of the night.

Never felt like I have to be an older sibling till now.

I hate myself for mocking Ris Low but you just have to join in the fun when National TV starts doing shit like this.

My Way.

Yes there were times - I'm sure you knew.
When I bit off, more than I could chew.
but through it all, when there was doubt.
I ate it up - and spit it out!
Let the record show - I took the blow.

and did it MY WAY.

I remember the night at Bozeman's Inn.

Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".

The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.

Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.

There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.

Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.

One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.

Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.

But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!

The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.

This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.

Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?


So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?

Because..

I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.

I don't like this feeling.

Started a new book recently and it has words like Ibuprofen, Advil, Grateful Dead and Granola. Words whose meaning I would never understand before America - or before meeting Mara, Kelsey, Orval and again, Orval respectively.

Makes me wonder how I was able to speed past those words in the past.

Anyways, I've been having weird pangs of emotions tonight. Amongst them all, the more frequent ones were guilt, stupidity and in-filialty. Suddenly feel like a useless prick who has spent the past 22 years doing absolutely nothing meaningful at all. I'm really too protected here. Can't even break free without having to have to fight between what I want and what my conscience says.

Expectations overload.

I'm pretty sure this is due to the upcoming interview though. It's the exact same fear I have before every major paper. And the thing is I don't understand why i should feel that way.

There were pressure from exams because I can't afford to repeat any modules but this - I mean, there's no immediate threat to anything if i screw this up. Yet, I can't screw it.

Always have problems dealing with stress like this.

Wish I could be as brave as Mara.

If you can't catch a wave,
then you're never gonna ride it.

Just so you know,
I haven't forgotten about today.

Went on a lunch date with grandma today.
She's definitely much older and weaker than I last remembered. Her steps grew slower and slower as the walk to the bus stop proceeded and her grip and my shoulder were like a mixture - hard because she needs the support; weak because she didn't have the strength to hold it for too long.

This short lunch with grandma made me feel like a complete asshole.
It made me wonder if opening my eyes meant becoming more selfish.

Throughout that short walk, I had to constantly remind and force myself to slow down to match her pace. In the past, it just happened naturally. Serving her was a natural instinct, a natural responsibility. Now, however, I have to be reminded. And that's not good.

Before i left for the states, i used to come home and stomp over to her place to greet her - no matter how much i dreaded it. but now, i can't even be bothered to smile at her. i used to spend a long time at her place after meals to talk to her, to give her her pills or to at least hear her complain a bit. but all i do now is spend 10 minutes eating the food and quickly washing the dishes before i leave.

and i put no effort in hiding how eager i am to leave.

All i do now is return to my room and keep myself occupied with rearranging and packing the place up. i'm pretty sure a large part to why i'm putting so much effort in revamping the room is because i cant be bothered to face anyone in this home.

Why can't I just be more patient with everyone? i obviously realize how lonely she is. yet, a huge part of me don want to.

Everytime i feel guilty, a voice in me would remind me of how everyone will make use of this weakness to send me on guilt trips. EVERYONE seems to know it. can't they see she's lonely? why must i be the one to bend? coz i'm a girl?

these are exactly what i hear everytime i hesistate in walking away.

sadly, i really love spending time on my own. sometimes, i really want to do more, to care more. but the thought of how instead of appreciating the effort, people either use it to benefit themselves or think i have an ulterior motive or simply doubt me makes me boiling mad and confused all over again.

grandma won't appreciate them. she will ask for more. mum will say she appreiciates them.. but that's after i storm off.. AFTER she criticizes almost everything i've done. and the sad part is most of these criticisms are on petty things like the direction of the hanger. -_-' Alex just thinks he's the boss. Alvin's the best because he does nothing but plays his playstation. but i like him because at least he does his part and he shows his appreciation.

you see, such things are reciprocal. or at least to me they are.

i know it's tough on mother as well. afterall, she's treated like a slave by both her mum and her children. and i do want to help her. but why should i? my brothers are locking themselves in their room after meal. as for me, i still have to face her every bloody night. and it's human nature that she'ld wanna make use of me to earn some freedom for herself. but i know them - this will grow to be habit to both the old ladies. on top of that, i get blamed for EVERYTHING.

can u believe my uncle is still passing snide remarks everytime i walk pass him? " why do u wanna be a social worker? "; " you wanna be a social worker right? make my son/daughter study "; " spend more time with ah ma la. social worker mah ". i don think he means it really badly..but it sucks when no one in your family supports you. when will this stigma end?

it's really stiffling here.

but at the same time,
i cannot help but realize how selfish i am.

What do you do when you want to fulfil two inversely correlated responsibilities?

I really should start counting my blessings. Imagine a kid without parents. I'm already very lucky.

goodnight world.

It'll be fine,
nothing to fear.
She will be happy as she was here.
Things have worked out much better than planned.
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand.
And I know I'll forget,
how much she meant to me.
and how she was almost my baby,
maybe.

Have you ever had a moment when you've known - i mean, logically known in your head -that you're a fantastically lucky person, that you're truly fortunate to have an education, to live in a nice place in a great city, to have friends who care about you and all that, but you just can't get yourself to actually feel it?

There is so much we can learn from the Taiwanese.

Hate being such a loser.

Because you're hoping you're wrong.
and everytime she does something that tells you she's no good,
you ignore it.
and everytime she comes through and surprises you,
she wins you over.
and you lost that argument with yourself that she's not for you.

A typical conversation with mother goes like this:

" Tomorrow you're not going out? Ok, good. So wake up at 8 am, 9 am send your brother to work, then we bring ah ma out for breakfast. After that, I go and work in the afternoon but i think i can get out at 3 or 4 pm. After that we go shopping for your work clothes. But don't tell your ah ma. We secretly go out. "

*GAG*

Firstly, I'm not interested in sending my brother to work or going for breakfast with grandma.

Secondly, I'm not interested in shopping for work clothes because not only have i not found a job, we also usually end up running your errands and you know how much i hate trying on new clothes unless absolutely necessary.

Thirdly, why do i feel like we're going out on a tryst?

but..

How do you say things like this without hurting your mum?

I'ld much rather we remain in that distant manner than having you try to break the ice by following me WHEREVER I GO. I hate the fact that you're starting to open up.. and you just assume i wanna listen to you or i wanna spend my whole day with you.

Even if i wanted to do that, I wouldn't anymore. Because that's how you slowly eat into sending me on guilt trips. Something like what you're beginning to do right now. And after that, the family will do it too. SHIT. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to follow your footsteps anymore. I need to break free.

I don't wanna spend the whole day in the room with you, i don't want to watch all those movies with you. I mean, abit's alright but once you know i'm not going out and you have the day off, you start making plans. OMG! and you don't even ask. You just decide. Just like that.

I'm not your subordinate. I want to be left alone.. stop invading into my circle of control. Sigh, but how can I tell you that? You can't even take the hint of my shifting out on my own. Either that, or you totally just ignore that fact.

It's not I don't care about you. I am grateful to you but you are smothering me, mother.

Totally hate how those guilty pangs are inching in.

My Id and Superego so must stop this war right now. Because i can feel myself caving into the pressure very soon.

When do you know it's all worth it?

Been thinking of Celia pretty much today. I think it's the cold, stormy weather.. reminds me of that night she stayed up in my room. The same kind of weather - only with the warmth of a friend. It was tiring, no doubt. but it was fun. Simply because we were so tired, we were talking without thinking. Just shooting everything out of our mouths randomly. And before that, we spent like 3 hours talking in toilet. Haha.. I can still see the faces of Evelyn, Sigrid and Julie when they walked in time after time only to see us sitting on the table top in the EXACT SAME POSITION. Would do anything to see those expressions again.

It was very nice of her to just do stupid things with the colour papers while i struggled with my awesome artistic skills. And i mean really struggle. It's like everytime i tried to show off something I invented, she'll find a fault with it. " HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH EDGES LIKE THAT?! " " OMG! LOOK AT THIS! CAN I CUT IT FOR YOU? MY GOD! YOU CALL THIS A GIFT?! "

What an asshole.

I guess she could tell i'm not really talented that way, that's why she decided to give me some kind of motivation.

Anyway, the fun part was also how we stopped each other from falling asleep. You see, I was WAY behind schedule and we had a friend who was leaving the next morning so by 5 am, we knew we shouldn't be zzzing or we'ld definitely not wake up in time. But when the clock striked 600am and those coyotes started howling or making that strange noise they make, our eyes took a life on their own. Or rather, they decided that enough was enough. We soon found ourselves fast asleep - gentleman me head on the bed, body on the floor while she curled up on the floor, right beside the computer. I think we dozed off for about 15 minutes before we both decided it was too cold and both jumped onto the bed with the alarm set to go off in half an hour.

Who were we kidding? Of course we couldn't get up in half an hour! We didn't even hear the alarm go off. Thank god Kelsey's memory didn't fail her that day. She banged on the door right before she went for breakfast and despite being disoriented, we made it in time to say goodbye.

Good times, good times.

Really miss that kid.

You know how lotsa people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? All of a sudden, I feel like MY life is flashing right before my eyes. No, i'm not dying. It's just happening.

I could be all confused and unhappy one minute, nostalgic the next and then behaving all calmly thereafter. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm at the point where once again, I can't find the right words or form the right sentences. There is SO MUCH i would like to say.. so much that's screaming to come out but nothing is flowing. I must've written at least 5 different entries for each mood, only to delete them by the time I reach the end because I feel differently by then. Shit.

There's no peace within right now. No music that makes sense, no sound that isn't noise. And I can't seem to point out what is wrong. The world seems to be moving faster than I've ever seen and yet, it's slow at the same time. Kinda like a split world - like i'm living in a twilight zone.

What am i thinking about? Why do i feel so vexed? The world suddenly seems so big again. And i see myself as that puny little forlorn child crouched down at one corner of this gigantic universe while the world zooms by. Literally. I want the peace within. I want to find that peace.. but how am i supposed to solve a problem without first realizing what it is?

So i left today. Found a place where i could disappear for at least half an hour and i just sat there. Sat.. and sat... and sat..

and,

Still no peace.

I tried to break it all down, tried to think of many reasons why i could be feeling like that. And i realized there are just too many. It's not the big problems that are the frustrating ones.. it's the too small to rectify it but too big to ignore it kind that kills me.

I'm afraid of reverting back to the past. Afraid of being too dependent on everyone or too gutless to make decisions without overthinking it, without disecting every single corner just to BE SURE that that's the right decision. But how can i ever be sure? No one's ever sure.

As it is, I can already see it happening; I can feel it coming back. My friends know me too well..

When I first touched down, pl came to visit and help me readjust. Xie and Ks followed thereafter, trying to keep me occupied. Then pl's there again for more.. advices. Jasmine's been helping me find jobs, find ways to to cure the itch, helping me find a direction. Kl's been complaining about how I've neglected her for 2 years but still knows where i'm heading to right now, Karolina, Agata and Celia's been uber worried about me since I came back, mari's been rationalizing for me.. and the list goes on!

It's like the world's spoonfeeding me again. Even without me meeting them, they are still there for me. And what do i do? I disappear from their lives as and when I like. Yet every single time, these people come back.

I can no longer hide this guilt i'm feeling. This sense of worthlessness. It's uh.. hard to explain how this works.

I love, appreciate and need all my friends. But because of how much they've done for me, I feel like I have a responsibility for everyone, even though this 'responsibility' or 'expectation' they have on me may not exist. Sometimes i feel like i have to match up to everyone's social norms eg, to find a high paying job or to join the corporate world in order to be useful.

Maybe that's why i want to walk away. Because I owe everyone far too much. Sometimes, spending too much time in your comfort zone makes it a lil' 'uncomfortable'.

I want some alone time - without any hidden agenda or without the need to escape. I need alone times like those in ynp where i do it just to make sense of the day, to tie up some lose ends, to have a 'reflection time' at the end of the day and to appreciate everything around me. Somehow, things are not slow enough here to do that. Things are not green and big enough for me to just stare up, take in the air and smile. Most importantly, i need my alone time with dad, and god. I know i'm starting to sound all holy and stuff.. but i'm really not at all honk-if-you-love-jesus kind. ( not yet anyway. ;) ) It's just.. i could feel something when i was at ynp. But there's nothing now. Zilch.

I miss those times.


And i couldn't stop thinking of all the weirdest and most random times in YNP today. Mostly it was of all the walks past mara's place, past the pub, past the snow lodge. And the walks back from the pub by the ranger station. Somehow, these places suddenly seem so warm. But sometimes i do wonder if it's warm because of the place or because of the people. I guess putting both together makes it that much perfect.

A house is too big. But having a room for yourself, admist a communal environment with the right people, and in the wild.. that's living. You get your own space, AND you get to interact. You have to be independent, you have to be bold, you get to live life as it is.

Don't make room for regrets.

Really wish there was something I could do..

So i've been all absorbed by the guitar again lately.
Seems like that's my other vice whenever i'm procrastinating.

But at 10pm today, (ie 8am Yellowstone time),
I couldn't play a proper tune at all.
Everything was jumbled, too fast or had no feel to it.

You see, today's the day most of them leave Yellowstone.
And apart from having my thoughts distracted by those leaving - and how everyone's going their separate ways,
I can't help but think of those staying behind as well.

Can you just imagine the anguish?

Wish there was something that can be done.

Goodbyes are just so freakin' hard. Dammit!

Also, I've started scouting for jobs. Found a couple of interesting ones.. but everytime I jot them down, the voices of my family just keeps ringing in my head. Met up with one of my malaysian uncle lately.. and he followed us in collecting my cert. When he asked what my plan was and he heard the term 'social work', he just kept quiet. And after a couple of hours when he learned that the degree is in marketing, he preached NON-STOP about how I should go into business first and only concentrate in social work when i'm near retirement.

Sometimes i wonder if it's just my perception or if it's because of their age. But the old people ALWAYS relates social work to serving the older people in the society. What about the mentally challenged or the problem kids? What about third world countries that requires our energy and youth? Don't they need us? Or is this just a part of my fantasized world?

I'm so confused.

What is my calling?

Sometimes it feels like out of no where, I've been dumped in the middle of the desert where no proper roads could be made out. I can walk either direction I deem fit and wherever I turn, a beautiful town seem to be there. But could all this be just some kind of a mirage? What if a wrong decision is made? Would it be too late to turn back? Will I be heading for something that never existed? Or did i choose the right route? Will i know WHEN to turn back?

Is this really a useless lifestyle? Should i go down the route everyone is taking or should I make my own route?

Oh boy, all these questions. Who can ever answer them?

And there this whole issue of leaving the country. Indeed, I may have to work a couple of years first. But I'm afraid of how I might forget about how strong this desire is when the time comes.

I hate changes. When I get accustomed to this life, would I want to risk it all to try a life outside this 'comfort zone' ?

See, more questions.

I see the look in everyone when I express my thought of leaving. Friends and family just keep silent. Dead silent. But i can't make out what this silence means. Is it a doubtful silence or a why-must-you-leave silence? Juan thinks I will leave eventually.

Well, truth is if I still feel this way in 6 months, I most likely will. And I am preserving this 'feeling' by distaning myself from ALOT of people. So i do owe an apology to many of my friends and some of my family members.

I am in a very very confused state of mind right now. Please bear with me.


The day the door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
But I'm not sure anymore,
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge -
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'!

I know they've got a plan,
But the ball's in my hands!
This time is man-to-man!
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of,
(A world that's upside down)
It's spinning faster!

What do I do now,
Without you?

I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose, so confused -
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

Karolina, Agata and 99.9999% of the Taiwanese girls leaves tomorrow morning.

Even in Singapore, it doesn't feel good. Don't know why. So imagine what Kelsey, Matej, Julie, Jana Melody and Sarah must be feeling..

So this morning, I got up and in loving memory of them...

....
..
.
.
.
.

I ate THREE peanut butter and jelly!

heh heh. there goes my non-existant diet plan.

Go away, weird feeling.



It was my blessing to cross path with you guys. Thanks for being such pals.

I can't believe this moment's come,
it's so incredible that we're alone.
There's so much to be said and done,
it's impossible not to be overcome.

Will you forgive me if I feel this way?
Coz we've just met - tell me that's OK.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I can't explain the things that I'm feeling.
No, I won't let go..

Now would you mind if I bared my soul?
If I came right out and said,
you're beautiful.
Coz there's something here I can't explain.
I feel I'm diving into driving rain.
You get my senses running wild,
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I like the wild.

I like taking those walks alone.
The kicking of sand in the air.
and the sitting by the backyard of that stupid, over-sensitive old lady, with a beer in one hand, fags in another and one more bottle in my pouch coupled with those earphones blasting in my ear.

I like talking to that faceless soul beside me; throwing pebbles down that 'cliff' while i look over the softball field.

I like the long walk by the road from the trailer park, past the pub and back to the dorm.
I like stopping by the pub for maybe one more drink before heading back and plonging myself onto the picnic bench - sometimes alone, sometimes with friends.
Maybe then, i'll have another drink and another fag. and another, and another. haha.

I like visiting that smelly horse/mule that sniffs up the wrong areas.
Thereafter, walking down to the softball field just to see the carved names and reminisce on the good times.
Before long, that faceless soul would come again. Sometimes we don't even talk, we just sit.
It's quite nice, you know, to just sit and reflect. To have a companion that listens to you even when you're not speaking.

I like(d) hiking.

I like taking the longest time ever scaling the not-that-high-up observation point. And when i'm up there, it was nice to sit by the wooden barricade and stare out hard below. Sometimes, I would climb up that offtrail slope, which has probably been explored by a million other people before me. It goes higher than the 'peak' of the trail but the view wasn't much of a difference. What was fun,though, was the falling off it after that because my shoes just wouldn't stay at one spot. You know the adrenaline of tumbling down with only the edge in sight but halting right at the very last minute, just one step before the end. Haha.. puts a smile to my face.. and of course, a skipped beat to my heart.

I like how I had the chance to do stupid things like that.
To watch the stars, to get pissing drunk with the best drinking buddies, to throw popcorns at one another, to talk kok, to sing stupid hokkien songs out loud, to be obsessed with phantom of the opera, to have my own bathing cubicle, to have my own room, to mess up my room.

Even though lotsa people think it's childish and unrealistic, i really liked that. It was the one place where 90% of what i say, what i did and where i went, was controlled by the heart, not by the head. Where my feet decides the next step forward, and not me. Where ever step taken is a surprise.

Very nice.

I like the wild,
I wanna be the wild.

So i know i should move on and stop missing yellowstone and all it's glory.
But i don't want to.
Who then should i listen to this time?
My heart,
or my head?

Whichever the case, I guess refining my resume would be a good start.

START BEING A MOTHER!
START BEING FAIR!
START BEING MY FAMILY!

Listen, not judge.

Searched the newspaper and the internet for jobs today..

nothing interests me.


shit.

Life always boils down to chosing between these:

Protect yourself by hurting others;
or, protect others by protecting yourself less.

Why do people always not appreciate the 'right' choice?
Or is is only right to be wrong?

Maybe only the selfish can succeed.

o v e r.

Its been nearly a week since i left Yellowstone.. and still, i'm not feeling any much different from when i first left.

I miss everyone so much. Sometimes, no, most of the time, i forget that we've only known each other for about 3 months. maybe even less.

Apart from that, i also yearn the freedom that comes with being alone; being away from everyone back here. Being independent ( ok, not exactly independent but as least i feel that bit more than when i'm home. )

'Expectations' are starting to flood back. It's as if a dam was placed in between me and the society and everyone back in singapore when I was in America, Yellowstone in particular. Now that i'm back, the dam is opened and EVERYTHING, literally everything is gushing over, drowning me in the process. What makes things worse is the fact that this is not the end of it. I don't think it's even nearly at the halfway mark. I'm pretty sure everyone's just waiting for me to return back to normal, to get over this mourning period before they throw more rocks my way.


Why? Why does everyone here think i'm so useless yet expect so much outta me? Or is it because i really am useless, hence i feel like people's expectations of me are so overwhelming? I feel so condemned. And the funny part is I don't even know for what. For not taking any actions to proceed with the next phase of my life? But why can't anyone see that the only reason why i'm holding back, is because i don't wanna be just another pawn in this life?

I want to do what i want. Alright, i may not know exactly what i want now.. but could this be why i'm not certain? Because everytime i have an idea, doubt is planted in me. But can anyone ever be sure of wherever they're going? I know for a fact that i don't wanna stay here.. not now anyway. I need to spread my wings; i need to open my eyes and grow up. Can't you just respect that?

Yes, maybe i enjoyed living abroad so much because it was just a short term thing; yes, maybe i'm gonna lose all contact with them before i know it; yes, maybe if i do stay longer abroad, i would realize that i actually like singapore way better. But so what? You don't know them; you don't know the place; you don't know my dreams. nope, you don't UNDERSTAND my dreams. Besides, what matters is the 'believe'.

If i make a mistake, i will just have to learn how to pick myself up after, won't i? It won't be easy, i know. But it ain't easy now either.

You guys just wanna tie me down, to take the safer route. For some of you, it somehow feels like it's merely because u don't have a chance to do something like that, so you want me to lead that same mundane life. Why not right? It only seems fair.

I know some might be genuinely concerned but sometimes, the existence of 'hope' in itself, can bring people to places they've never dream they could be. By taking that away, by giving a reality check ( that may not exactly happen ), one will always wonder how life would be if the other route is taken.

Let me make that mistake, if it is one. There's not a life where mistakes wont be made. What matters is what happens thereafter. If you really do care, then walk with me and be there for me if it is a mistake. That's what i would do, or at least i think i would do, if i have a friend or family who's in the same dilema.

Fuck.
What am i saying?

The world is so heavy.
Just wanna disappear.

Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair!
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind!
Down that path into darkness deep as hell!

Always thought i haven't been putting enough effort or committment;
but maybe, it takes both hands to clap.

29th August 2009:

Woke up to another pleasant surprise of having the lights turned off by another nightime angel. No idea who though. haha..

Well, from the very moment i opened my eyes, i knew it was the day to bid farewell to a majority of the people here; to say goodbye to the place itself.

So everything was more or less a rush. I wasn't even done packing yet ( see, procrastinator. ) so i threw some of the remaining stuff into my luggage, gave whatever can be salvaged to the girls and got Karolina to accompany me around to pass some of the nicer people some stuff and well, say bye bye to the place.

Well the goodbyes must have lasted far too long because by the time i was done, EVERYONE ( Kelsey, Karolina, Agata, Matej and Joe ) were waiting for me by the car for quite a huge deal of time. And when it's eventually done done, it was time for lunch. So we had an unplanned last lunch at the EDR. Definitely awesome food, btw. ( omg, i miss celia. )

We left for Bozeman immediately after lunch. i can't say how grateful i am for them accompanying me all the way to Bozeman. Catching a ride with Al will definitely be too tough.

The ride was pretty funny.. as in.. his truck is really not that big. And my luggages are not that small either. So, agata, matej and joe sat in the front while karolina, kelsey and myself squeezed at the back of the truck. Well, it wasn't considered squeezy for me, thanks to my short legs, but for karolina and the freakishly tall Kelsey, wahaha.. they were squirming around for quite abit before Karolina managed to fall asleep.

We checked into 'Imperial Inn', a shabby on the outside, pretty in the inside motel. 6 ppl in 1 room with 2 queen size beds, a huge cupboard ( which we never used ), tv, microwave over and a fridge and all for just $73. Not a bad deal at all. Most importantly, it's near a pub. whaha..

Went to a park for a picnic in the afternoon. A real western/american/ang moh style picnic. Exactly what i wanted to experience at least once before i leave. Unlike in Singapore, the grass was GREEN.. like healthy, every corner covered with grass green. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Absolutely breath-taking. It was nice. And the company was the perfect group as well.

Just perfect.

We walked around abit thereafter - dropped by wal-mart, bought food and drinks and headed back to the room. After that, we left the room again. haha.. this time in search for a pub.

When we returned, the real party began.

Sigh, tough night.

Great times, great times. And guess what,
it's the company that matters..

The power of music.

Since no one was home this morning, i decided that it was the best opportunity for me to play the piano without having to disgrace myself in front of the entire clan. And whilst playing the very little songs i know, i found myself suddenly feeling much calmer and rational.

So, enough with all the grumbling, the unhappiness and the anger ( at least for now ), it's time to record what happened the past few days..

28th Aug 2009:

My last official day at Yellowstone.

I kinda behaved like a VERY irresponsible employee that day. Didn't do any dishes, kept running over to disturb anyone who was in the store and just pretended to be the cook by making spring rolls. But then again, Becky ( head chef and kitchen manager; very nice lady but always accidentally neglects the 'foreigners'. however, she always lends us her car so.. nobody's perfect. ) somewhat gave me the permission didn't she? " help me make the beef and brocolli today; go find the recipe to make spring rolls will you? ; alright, you'ld be helping me make the spring rolls today. " haha, i didn't even help Larry ( the grinch - a VERY irritating, always angry, always complaining and a very horny old man; used to think he was a cool, fatherly figure until i have no idea what changed him. ) much for breakfast. Didn't keep the clean dishes much. Perhaps the only thing i did was keep the butter, the other things that needed to be kept and sanitized the table.

After work, I loitered around the store for a while more before heading back to the room to attempt packing up. Apparantly, my efforts failed. Haha.. Firstly, i had other tasks that were more urgent and secondly, ratatouille (however it's spelt) was a HUGE distraction.

After dinner, we went to help Kelsey get her HUGE load of christmas presents before heading back to our individual rooms for some alone time. I tried packing again. But was only able to get as far as clearing about 5 strips of paper from the floor. Haha.. i know, i have a major procrastination problem.

I think the initial plan was to spend one last night at the pub. And we know at least Joe was way excited about it. But i think because of my v.e.r.y s.l.o.w packing, the girls decided to be nice and say that THEY didn't wanna go to the pub instead. Think Joe got pretty upset but the girls were kinda authoratative with him. and everyone knows the only reason was because i had been lazy and the room was a mess. Good friends, this bunch.

Also, it was Hermana Mayor's ( Mara ) last day as well. She invited Yumi, Sigrid and myself to the lower store to have a last dinner together. I didn't go though.. probably because i preferred the EDR food.

wahaha.. that's complete bullshit, btw. Actually, if my memory serves me right, it was a pretty good dinner that night - even though i can't remember what exactly we ate.

Anyway, Hermana Mayor came back after dinner for a visit. So the 3 girls, matej, joe and mara were all in the room and..woah it was a sight. Throughout the conversations, it was like.. happiness and sadness all jumbled together and i didn't really know which role to assume. But there were a couple of times..

It was really hard when hermana mayor left. At her car, we just.. i dono.. were lost for words? The fact that it's probably the last time we were going to see each other was just overpowering. I never expected us to be so close. Shes been around even before i came and she was like the only young girl around for at least 2 weeks before any other girls showed up and we never spoke. In fact, it was Kate ( Kelsey's not so erm, mature roomate. ) who introduced us and she was WAY into 'flirting' with Mark ( ex kitchen manager ) then so, you know, impression.. HALVED!

But miraculously, we clicked and well, i earned myself a big sister. :D

Went into the Taiwanese girl's room halfway through the night to pass them stuff, accidentally started giving some kinda speech ( IN CHINESE! can you imagine! ) and they took turns to say stuff back and evelyn started to take a step forward. omg.

And finally, the 3 girls were all motherly and started making my bed, said their goodnights and..

lets just say thank god celia was around then and she brought me to the other taiwanese girls and we went around. :)

ok, really long post about the 28th of august.

Very nice.

I hate the night.
I hate how the darkness overwhelms one's soul.
and i guess tonight's the night when reality strikes.

Theoretically, this should be a good night to zzz.
its been 2 nights since i last felt a bed..
2 nights since i last laid down and after sending a couple of emails, my eyes were heavy.

i was so prepared to zzz, until it crept up to me ever so silently, ever so quickly.


i forgot it was also my first night back in sgp.
my first night having no one to turn to.
first night i have to play cool in front of everyone after such a long time.
first night without dad around.

it suddenly occurred to me that i'm gone for good.
that this is the end of that life.
and it's back to THIS life.

Why cant ppl around me just understand all of this?
all that most ask are explanations.
"where have you been?"
"stop your disappearing act!"
maybe this is exactly why i was gone.

i really should be man enough and swallow all of these down.
But for some reason, tonight's real hard for me to pretend.
maybe i just don't wanna pretend anymore.

i've ran away for so long.
how long more can i run?
but this is not what i want - that much i'm sure of.
so what is my next course of action?

i just cant describe this fear.

<\em> Night-time sharpens,
heightens each sensation . . .
Darkness stirs and
wakes imagination . . .
Silently the senses
abandon their defences . . . <\em>

i can't fall asleep.
And even if i could, i'ld be dreaming of them.

All my bags are packed,
i'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

but the dawn is breaking its early morn,
the taxi's waiting, blowing his horn.
Already i'm so lonesome i could die.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause i'm leaving on a jetplane.
Don't know when i'll be back again.
oh babe, i hate to go.

Am currently at Bozeman with Kelsey, Karolina, Agata, Matej and Joe. Leaving Bozeman tomorrow for Los Angeles before heading over to Taipei and Singapore.

So this time, this is really it.

I don't know how to say how i really feel. I'm DEFINITELY not happy about leaving but I'm glad that we are all here. All together in this beautiful motel.

Suddenly i feel like i have so much to tell all of them. So must to explain. So much emotions to express. But i'm having so much problems doing it. And the worst part is realizing that it's foolish of me to do nothing crazy like that since there is a kinda huge possibility that i might not see them again.

These days, i always find myself staring at all of them, trying to capture every expression, every movement and every moment with them. I don't want to forget but everything just seems so dreamy right now. It's unrealistic.

A good group of friends i have here.

Now, we're all ready to get drunk again. muahaha.

Anyways, Bozeman is really nice. It's neither too big nor too small. We should've been here sooner. Even though, i have my doubts about staying here long term too. I think it'll be too small for a forever-living-here kinda thing.

Sigh, i'm trying to be really excited and lively here.. but it's failing so badly.

Why do i hate going home so much?
It's just so weird.

Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah yeah

Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

On with the,
On with the,
On with the show!

It's tomorrow.

It feels almost like a dream. Like somewhere in there it's hurting. Yet I can't show it on my face. What am i to do?

I don't want people here to see it as a sad affair. People here wants everything to be happy and i want them to be happy. So i can't show it.

People back home only says, " welcome back to reality. "; "come home. we want you home. " So I can't show it.

And there are things which i am dying to say if not i know i'ld regret for life but still, i can't show it and i can't say it.


So, what about me?
What about what i want?
What about what i want to DO?

If there's anything I learn from America, it's that the people here really do follow their heart. They know what they want; they do what they want.

Why can't i do the same?
Why do people back home not trust me?
Why do people back home want to control me?
Why can't i just do what i want?
Why don't i know what i want?
Why can't i say what i want?

Why can't i just tell you once and for all?

I am angry.
Angry with the world, with life, with how everything's not within my control.

I am angry with how you guys want me home not because you truly care but because you need someone to control.
I am angry at how everyone can't understand me.
I am angry at how people never see what i have done but judge me by their pre-cognition.

Most importantly, I am angry at things way beyond this.

I am angry with you.
Angry that you're running away.
Angry at how this is unfair to all of us.
Angry about the way you stare.

Yet i am not angry.
Because i just can't.

I am just an angry person.

Perhaps i really am a crazy asian.

5 days, 5 freaking days! oh wait, it's 4 actually. Fuck.

It feels really weird.
I look at everyone now, unable to imagine how it would be like the day i leave, or for the fact that there's a chance that this could be the last time we'll be seeing each other.
And all of a sudden, I feel like a dying man who wants to fulfill all my last wishes.

Whats worse, i can't show them as overbearingly as when i'm in Singapore.
I do talk about them ever so often.. somewhat as a way to minimize the pain, i guess. But it's not as bad as how Yvonne Goh usually does it. Sometimes, Kate's words before i left the last time still pops out in my mind and i wonder if everyone's feeling the sentiment. And that makes me all suspicious and scared of everyone around me.

My mind's like a never ending battlefield. And i want it all to just STOP. Sigh.

Anyways, had dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant ( Old Faithful Inn ) with the 'UN team' today. It was a great dinner, i think. I mean, i really love the idea of spending time together. And i do so cherish every minute that's left. Except, once again, i felt weird. Not weird as in they-are-such-a-weird-group-of-friends weird.. but more of the, weird-as-in-no-words-can-describe weird.



There are so much things i would like to say.. so much within me that I feel like expressing to them. But somehow, I wonder what good this would be to everyone. Besides, I don't even know what i want to say. haha..

I really wish i could get drunk every night, so i don't have to face these creatures of the night. Or rather the creatures of my mind.

I know, Strange entry once again.
Goodnight world.

Just for the record, all in all, today was a great day. Loved how everyone dressed up, loved how we set aside time for one another. Loved how we had great laughs in the restaurant. Love that I love these people here. Maybe what's so hard about leaving is how much i love the people and the place here.

And despite how sad i am, i am seeking solace in Indian rojaking with xie and the rest. Catching up with JC gang and the other nonsensical things i always do back home. Except, I can't fully visualize things right now. Too consumed with absorbing the most i can from this place, you see.

Just.wish.the.world.wasn't.so.small.and.i.ain't.that.weird.

Alright.. really have to zzz.
Goodnight once again.

It's getting hard to, be around you.
There's so much i can't say.
Do you want me to hide the feelings?
Or look the other way.

I don't know, how to be fine when i'm not.
And I don't know how to make these feelings stop.

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me.
And I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.

Thought you should know, I've tried my best to let go of you.
But I can't help it.
I wanna say it all before I go,
Just so you know.

I'm far from holy. But i'm convinced that god has his reasons. and plans.

That's all i can trust now, anyway.

I still can't believe i'm leaving next week.

This second trip back here has been so weird. I've been acting weird and as such, people around me has been acting weird. And i'm still trying to figure out why - why i've been behaving like this anyway.

It feels like the time here has been so short even though it's only a week shorter than my first time here.

I still remember how it was like when i first got here: excited to be here, scared to be all alone, scared at all the 'strange' americans, touched by the angels, uber happy over the snow and woah.. many many more. What an emotional medley it was.

The trip this time, on the contrary, have been filled with sensitivity, unspoken tension, undisclosed emotions and more often than not, things were a blur. ( most probably because we couldn't stay sober for too long. hahaha. )

Hell, i even blog differently now.

But despite these never-ending issues, i am still really glad i made the choice to come back. And i do love working in the EDR. The only thing that is really bugging me is some comments my previously well-respected co-workers. But you know, shit happens. The main thing is to survive it, i think.

The most amazing experience, though, is to meet the 4 incredible friends of mine, most of which coming from different countries. In no or hardly ( JOKE ) any order of preference, Kelsey, Karolina, Agata and Matej are 4 really cool people from 3 really separate countries.

Kelsey's a real cool chick from Minnetonka, Minnesota - the only American in this 'circle of trust'. haha.. I always call her a nerd because of her way over average GPA and her ability to memorize weird stuffs like the serial numbers to the different stocks in the store. She is, however, way better than what i'm describing her as right now. She's freakishly tall, has a baby face ( or so I say ), really funny, really crazy and in some ways, really beautiful as well. Although she doesn't think so, Kelsey knows exactly what she wants in life, sticks to all her decisions to the very end and chooses to filter out most of the unhappy stuff she knows by pretending she doesn't know. All in all, she's like at least 10 times more than what is described right here.

Karolina's this hot chica from Poland. She's really similar to Kelsey in terms of mentality, thoughts and reactions. She loves working overtime, loves to get drunk except she doesn't because i always snatch the attention away before she is able to and she's a real mature person who makes talking to really easy. She can get wild and crazy when she partys but she never loses herself. I only got to know Karolina better on this trip and maybe a few days before i last left and i'm really glad we had the chance to get better accquainted.

Agata's this black hair beauty from Poland as well. She's Karolina's best friend and they study, live and came here together. Agata's real cool to be with as well except she keeps way too much stuff to herself. I really hope that she'll be able to open up to anyone of us one day. Her work here so far hasn't been exactly smooth sailing because of arrangements with co-workers but she's strong in the sense that she still does her best no matter what. I admire Agata's strength and courage and i really think she has the potential to enter the modelling / fashion industry.

Matej's the only BOY in the group. He's from Slovenia and is REALLY tall. Despite his tall, not bad looking features, he yelps like a girl. haha... Kelsey, himself and me were hiking at Mallard lake once when he saw this deer ( which was apparantly smaller than the last deer he saw at the same hike a couple of weeks earlier ) and yelped really weirdly. Weirdly for him, funnily for us. I have to say, when it comes to girls, Matej's a typical guy. However, he is a good brother as well. He listens, he jokes, he helps out. Without him, the last time i left would be worst than what it was. And even though i've been weird here, Matej never fails to get drunk with me and start pushing everyone around. In fact, he even made a tree fall when we were hiking at DeLacey Creek! hahaha.. Even though i always say i will kill him one day ( 50% of a joke is real, btw. ), I'm really glad i met Matej and had the opportunity to work with him.

Of course, this is not the only people i know/met. The other foreigners are really cool hang out people as well. We have the taiwanese girls ( lots and lots and lots ot them! ), one from turkey, one from slovakia and another from china. We don hang out exceptionally much but we visit each other pretty often and I have to say, my initial impression of them have really changed ALOT this time. In the good way, that is.

I'm really bummed out about leaving so soon. And what sucks the most is the fact that there's a huge ass chance that we won't get to see each other ever again. Why is the world so big? what is singapore's problem? Every ticket out and in of here's so freaking expensive.

I don wanna leave. Really don't wanna.
The upcoming week's gonna be so painful.

How i wish i could tell the world what's really going on inside..

and have them totally understand this agony.

Had a really good conversation with Toan tonight. It's probably the first 'real' conversation i've had with him since I've ever knew him. And it's sweet mainly because he's part asian, part european ( westernized. ) That somehow means he understands how it feels like to be trapped in a system you don't want to be in.

I cannot find the right words to describe how satisfied i feel with finally finding someone who somehow feels like i do but in the simplest word ever, i'ld say it was G.R.E.A.T!

i've been a real pain in my yellowstone friend's ass lately i should change. I have to change! sometimes, i wish to apologize to them about my nightly drunken stupor but its just too hard to get those words out.

I hope they'ld realize how much i really appreciate them out here. Really do.

Been looking at convo pictures of friends back in Singapore. It seems almost weird that everyone has graduated and all grown up and somehow, it also seems unbelievable that i'm now another one of those graduated souls, forced to one day join the corporate world of climbing that ladder of success.

Saw esther's graduation photos. Its almost as if she hasn't been to America at all and somehow, it just feels really weird. Tried imagining myself in those gowns, taking pictures with what little NBS friends i have. Couldn't imagine it.

Coming back to Yellowstone, staying on in America looks like it's a major move and decision on my part. Sometimes i feel like people back in Singapore think i'm crazy to choose this path - unrealistic; dreamland; escapist- these are just some words that have been thrown my direction. Well yea, i AM crazy. But, though it sounds crazy, it feels right. So right.

I've said it once and i've said it twice and now, i'm going to say it again..

So far, choosing to come back here has been one of the choices i've made that have left me with no regrets.

I need you guys to let go so i can let go.



The bridge is crossed;
so stand and watch it burn.

Despite the various instances that happened in the Kitchen, I am still really glad that i decided to stay.

No doubt, some people have changed. Some have become more playful, some weird-er, some better and some just more appreciative. But change is ultimately inevitable. I love it here in Yellowstone, and in some ways, i hope they are as glad as me.

how do you ever tell which direction god wants you to go?

sometimes, problems seems to guide you in the best situation for you..but that's easy because problems exsists when you do not have options to take.

What do you do then, when 2 paths lays ahead of you.. and you have no idea what's the best for you?

greetings from yellowstone!

its been 3 weeks since i was bumped off at old faithful and it's exactly a month to the day i leave this place and i'm starting to feel sad at the thought of leaving.

I love this place.
I love the pace of life; the lack of competition to climb the bloody ladder of success and I love that short fuse of freedom that comes with this place.

Most importantly, i've finally found a place that ceases to 'expect' from me. It might be because no one knows me here or it might be because everyone has their own business to take care of. Whatever the case, for the first time in my life, I feel like i don't need to meet any expectations or disappoint myself for failing to meet these expectations.

Of course, i don expect this to last. I'm kinda sure sooner or later, expectations will come in but the thing is, the people here don't care about expectations.

Though impossible, Singapore should learn from here. I love that i'm no longer stuck in the rat race here. There's no need to impress, to account for or to compete. Of course politics still exsist, but problems are easier settled here because everyone's willing to take a piece of the humble pie.

I wish we had such opportunities in Singapore - that we have the luxury to choose between switching jobs every season ( without being gossipped behind your back ), making new friends and seeing the world.

But i do believe that such luck is coming to an end. Once someone stays too long at a place, people start having stigmas, believe systems and expectations and the whole journey would fall back to square one.

So, as much as i hate leaving here, I'm pretty sure i have to.

Leave, while the beauty's still there.

sidenote: i certainly miss singapore food.