hit by a sudden calm, peace and sa3 tuo1ness. willing this to stay!

HOORAH world! it's TGIF-1!

One of those when it rains, it pours days

A new commandment i give to you....

Love one another as I have loved you.

A good Good Friday to all!

To more WEs and US instead of Is and YOUs. For a bigger and more gracious heart instead of a selfish guarded one.

2017

Yeeehaw!

Welcome 2017. Since the start of the year (which hasnt been that long really) i've been having a pull to start blogging again. Well really it's just to pen down these random thoughts in my head somewhere again but i learnt tt i've become one of those who have grown weary of writing and somehow creating a new space seem tedious, or foreign in fact.

So.. i'm back! Albeit randomly, as i have been the past couple of years. But apart from all the angst and fears and insecurities we/i/man fight with daily, i hope i can start capturing some positive vibes that hit occassionally.

First up! Independence.

Lately i've been really busy with all the act 一个 grown up stuff. Looking around at cars, trying to (and haitusing [spell?]) on designing the new place,  trying to find a course to learn new things etc.

And all these plans have been as messy as i've always been but yesterday i had a gathering with some of the more senior colleagues... and they made me feel like i've made a wrong choice with the house.

Because..... it's not a money making option as a singaporean.

But while i agree that waiting till i'm 35 to get a hdb is a more economical choice, i am not reallly keen on waiting till i'm 40 to be able to get my first 2 rm unit. Despite tt, i have unintentionally been bogged down by the negativity for a bit when SUDDENLY (think The Beatles/Mr Bean The Movie) i had an empipany. That i should shift my focus from ---- how i cannot make money to how to make the best out of it. Enjoy the space, the freedom (hopefully), the facilities.

I realize as i move through life, tt i've always been wanting the "best" of everything and i get frustrated when i feel shortchanged. I guess it's a very normal feeling. But i admire people who have the courage and realism to accept that life is not fair. And the way to happiness and self contentment is to make the best of what we have.

(All those episodes of Alone is definitely rubbing off on me.)

I have a big hurdle to jump across to get to that mountain of lepakness and i hope i get there some day. But for now, baby steps.

I am suddenly washed with thoughts of contentment and i want to hold on to this happy feeling for as long as i can.

With that, it's time to say a prayer, read some happy stories and go to bed with a hopeful smile on my face.

Peaceout world ✌

Can god love me this much?

I hope there's no catch to this. Hopeful final preserverance

I feel silenced.

On one hand, thankful that i've cleared all the  pscs. But then i'm scared because i dont feel i've made the mark to qualify going for a validation check.

But no one is listening to me.

What if i don't make it this round.

Am i going to be able to pick myself up?

I feel like i'm standing at the gallows with my hands tied.

Gonna need a miracle for this.

Jesus help me, and never forsake me. amen.

Lord, in every need let me come to You with humble trust saying, "Jesus, help me."
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations, Jesus, help me.
In hours of loneliness, weariness, and trials, Jesus, help me.
In the failure of my plans and hopes; in disappointments, troubles, and sorrows, Jesus, help me.
When others fail me and Your grace alone can assist me, help me.
When I throw myself on Your tender love as a father and savior, Jesus, help me.
When my heart is cast down by failure at seeing no good come from my efforts, Jesus, help me.
When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me, Jesus, help me.
When I am ill and my head and hands cannot work and I am lonely, Jesus, help me.
Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls, and shortcomings of every kind, Jesus, help me and never forsake me.

amen.

now, hit the ball

Grey's Anatomy - Callie and Arizona and Bailey "Joy" 5x23

fighting insecurities, doubts, fears.



i wonder if that's what's holding me back. Not that i have it, but issit holding me back from breaking through my comfort zone. I want to stop thinking... start performing. Stop worrying.



Where's the confidence yo?

push push push! if it's coming out wrong, it gotta change

i have slowly started to practice again, hoping that my hardwork pays off and I'm focusing on the right thing.

It is really a weird sensation, this learning process. When I am doing the exercises without the fear of judgements from my instructors, I am actually glad. To have something to focus on.

But I am so afraid that time will pass by and I am still too slow for the class. The girls are starting to ask me one by one... if i've noticed that ck is extremely fierce to me.

Of course I have. I'm the one getting it. I wonder sometimes if it's because of my short hair. OR issit just me.

When I was climbing yesterday ( the only thing in life now that is finally picking up after so many months ) we met this guy Teddie who is supposedly very good and was giving tips on climbing. everyone was hovering around him trying to pick up skills. So of course i joined in the fun. Except, I don't know if it's me or what... i can sense him moving backwards not daring to give me too many tips for fear of bruising my ego. And I can sense that it wasn't really him. It was me. I can't talk to him like the rest do and i didn't dare to ask him how to do a certain route. I asked him.... through Ching.

Is this the same for ck? How about mdm?

Does mdm take my questions as a joke but actually form opinions about them?
and ck?
i know he is trying very hard to be patient with me... the thing is, it's him to not be patient with me and i can't expect him to be. But why is it like that? I'm starting to think it's me.

Have I been too proud to learn? Or too shy to ask? Or do i just not carry my words across as most people do? What is the real problem with me?

I can't help but draw comparisons between Rachel and myself. I was impatient with Rachel when i was taking her. Just like ck , i know i consciously tried to be patient with her but deep inside something was pulling on the impatience line. I prayed all the time for some patience and i wondered whenever possible why i was behaving that way. That teaching her wasn't coming out naturally from me as i would have been with others.

Sometimes i asked the girls about it and once, someone told me it may be because of the way she carried herself. the swagger she had in her walk.


Am i giving off that aura too? how do i get rid of it?

how deep must this pit be to be so dark in here.

when you try your best and you don't succeed,


you truly dont feel like you should have could have would have done more.

but you get angry at yourself for being so stupid.
and self doubts of success almost completely floods your mind.

i tried my best.

still struggling.

struggling to cope with learning new skills. struggling with the understanding and pride.

struggling with ghosts of the betrayal. struggling with the understanding and the pride.

bad session.

doubts.

frustration.

embarrassment.

anger. 

sad. 

The Point of No Return (Reprise)

congratulations

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess