i have slowly started to practice again, hoping that my hardwork pays off and I'm focusing on the right thing.

It is really a weird sensation, this learning process. When I am doing the exercises without the fear of judgements from my instructors, I am actually glad. To have something to focus on.

But I am so afraid that time will pass by and I am still too slow for the class. The girls are starting to ask me one by one... if i've noticed that ck is extremely fierce to me.

Of course I have. I'm the one getting it. I wonder sometimes if it's because of my short hair. OR issit just me.

When I was climbing yesterday ( the only thing in life now that is finally picking up after so many months ) we met this guy Teddie who is supposedly very good and was giving tips on climbing. everyone was hovering around him trying to pick up skills. So of course i joined in the fun. Except, I don't know if it's me or what... i can sense him moving backwards not daring to give me too many tips for fear of bruising my ego. And I can sense that it wasn't really him. It was me. I can't talk to him like the rest do and i didn't dare to ask him how to do a certain route. I asked him.... through Ching.

Is this the same for ck? How about mdm?

Does mdm take my questions as a joke but actually form opinions about them?
and ck?
i know he is trying very hard to be patient with me... the thing is, it's him to not be patient with me and i can't expect him to be. But why is it like that? I'm starting to think it's me.

Have I been too proud to learn? Or too shy to ask? Or do i just not carry my words across as most people do? What is the real problem with me?

I can't help but draw comparisons between Rachel and myself. I was impatient with Rachel when i was taking her. Just like ck , i know i consciously tried to be patient with her but deep inside something was pulling on the impatience line. I prayed all the time for some patience and i wondered whenever possible why i was behaving that way. That teaching her wasn't coming out naturally from me as i would have been with others.

Sometimes i asked the girls about it and once, someone told me it may be because of the way she carried herself. the swagger she had in her walk.


Am i giving off that aura too? how do i get rid of it?

how deep must this pit be to be so dark in here.