Happy New Years' eve everyone.

All over facebook, people's statuses are changing - mostly whining about how bad 2010 is.

But what about Auld Lang Syne?

Every major festivals - like Christmas, bday, Chinese new year, English new year, I'll always wonder if this would be the last one I'd be going through. This year's no different. The only thing different is that this time, I'm in too much of a daze to give it too much thoughts.

In 2010, everything was unplanned. Every step I took could on one hand.. Be described as a reluctance to make a decision, as guo yi tian shuan yi tian. But on the other, it could also be seen as various leaps of faith.

Afterall, it was in 2010 that I started my first full time job. It was in 2010 that I started having earning power and hence spending power. And it was in 2010 that I have more control over my life.

But I don't know if I am indeed capable of running my own life.

I have always wanted a laid back life where I enjoy my work, where I do my part for the family, where I'm always there for my friends and where I still have the time to do the things I like to do.

Before I started work, my target was to save up most of the money I earn for a possible trip back to yellowstone. Back to where life was the lightest for me.

I even made plans to save EXTRA money to go on various getaway trips to nearby islands, to Taiwan, to Malaysia, to bintan's etc. I wanted to live a life of fun and of experiences and many photographic memories.

Alas, things didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to be.

I did go to taiwan, I did go on really really really small trips but life pretty much revolved around work and people FROM work. Family ties were broken. 10 years worth of friendship were put to the test.

And most importantly, I think I've never despised myself so badly before.

But am I sad about it? Honestly? I don't think so. I am disappointed in myself. I am sorry for having no integrity, dignity nor loyalty. But I really don't think 2010 was a bad year.

That's why I don really understand why there can be a bad year anymore. Could there really be one.. Or is it us who usually focuses on e bad stuff?

Whichever the case, this is one thing I don't think I want the answers to.

Haha.


Happy New Year everyone.
May 2011 be an even better year.

HAHAHA!
Love Xie.

Reportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreportsreports!

..and the weekend comes.

Thank you for a KA-POW!, :))) day.

Given the chance, given the rights,
I would've loved to ask you to join us tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone.
Peace, Mai.

Hate that I don't know how to console Mai.

it just doesn't FEEL right leaving you sick alone at home even though I THINK I shouldn't be here this evening.

So I'm following the feel. But I swear everytime I hear a bike go by, my heart skips a beat. And my mind backtracks to the time when she went missing... For reasons I'm still completely unaware of. haha. I really should try letting THAT go. but that was a huge turning point wasn't it? It wont be that easy.

Oh how i cheapen myself sometimes. One day when I wake up from this, I'm going to be so embarassed at my lack of self-worth, I'd probably don a mask and smash every mirror like how the phantom does.


Anyways,

The bosses are outta town this week and half or more of the people in the office are either on leave, mc or maternity. Things are sloowwwwww moving and though I'm not really complaining about the pace, things still seem a little lopsided. It's like everyone is treating this as the calmity before the storm.

And it doesn't help when lotsa teachers are down with illnesses and the supervisor is giving no hoot about it.

The morale is low and negativity is rising amongst everyone. Sometimes it makes me pretty uncomfortable to hear some of the conversations going on in the office not because I don't like gossips (they DO spice up the working environment!) but because I hate how demoralized and hopeless everyone feels when we realize that the situation at the wrk place will not improve.

Try as we may, things will nt have a proper system as long as the ones taking the lead do not start listening and stop hearing. And it sucks to realize this after each brainstorming session... After going through all of some of the older folk's self-praise especially.

No, seriously - Most old people at work goes one round, two rounds, three rounds ultimately just to hint at us on how incredible they are.. And how the company wouldn't be able to survive without them. Sometimes they get so blatant with their hints, I find myself wondering why they don just say it straight in our faces instead.

Where is the WE spirit man?

oh no. poor again. :(

Get well soon.

Forgot how nice it was to have a book in my hands and my old fav tunes blasting in my ears once in a while.

Throw in one cuppa hot tea now and things would be perfecto.

Why is the cough making my back hurt so bad?

Can't stand being home.

Happy birthday Jesus.
Thanks for all the love.

The epitome of Christmas.

Since my head is spinning and I am in absolute no mood or condition to work, I'm gonna let my emoness take the lead.

Christmas 2010 is the ONLY christmas I have without any feel. And it's also perhaps my most trying time in the year. Strange as it is, I think I've been through a greater low in life than what I'm going through now. Nevertheless, I hope things change soon enough and that I will one day see what this period means. You know how they say that everything happens for a reason? I'm hoping I'd like the "reason."

I miss how comfortable we were. And the trust we had. I wish we could stop thinking and start acting but who's to know what to do?

At the same time, I am also aware of and am appreciative of ur efforts to step up and bridge the gap(?) - for lack of better words. Haha. Or in another words, the fact that you are now hiding less and less stuff. Don't give up. I can see you doing greater things and I can see the potential you have if you're willing to make the change. But I worry how the lure of staying in ur comfort zone may drag you down again.

Whichever the case, know that I get upset and I get angry and all because I care. because I get EXTREMELY insecure what with all the images in my head. and because I'm maybe a little afraid. but I can't say it to your face can I? Too uncool.

Likewise,

I miss my friends. And I still feel like I've let them down a whole lot. My friends who have shown me unending care and concern. I dare say what happened on sat was the final straw. No doubt they still put in the effort, but how do you accept it when guilt's eating you throughout?

My pride, my guilt and my stubbornness is what will cause me to lose them all.

But sometimes I wonder if this is what I have to do. Because if I were to choose again, I'd probably have made the same choice.

I have to do this. And I hope y'all will understand why.

Still cherish u guys.

Work.
Work's been insane! In the close to one yr here, I probably enjoyed the concert most. It's the only time I see the end in mind. I see how important it is for every "department" to work together and I see the fruits of the labour. Otherwise, I hate my job scope. I'm bored with the endless paperwork and reports. I'm sick of the sai kangs and I cannot stand sitting on my ass the whole day long. The lucky thing is I met some good people. I lost some good people too but we gotta count our blessings every now and then don't we?

I can probably list the sames of the people worth mentioning here - that's how little. But there's no need to. They know who they are.

Family.
The strongest desire to leave home is perhaps now.
I cannot accept how everyone is shifting in together.
FULLSTOP.

Xie,
you the best, man.
you and charlene, even better. haha.
Thanks for always watching my back.

Yellowstone.
Always will be the best days of my life.

oh wow. This is getting longer and more guniang than I thought it would be.
What Christmas? I might as well reserve this post for the new year.

The medicine is wearing off. Gotta run.


Merry Christmas everyone.

If I ever say I yearn to be sick again, kick me in the face.

Miserably sick. :(

He's back.

And so is she.

Thought I saw some improvements in her.
But then she said some things that took me by surprise.
Be it just a passing thought or more, I'm fucking disappointed.
and in more ways than one.

I have no rights to comment.. nor any rights to anything for that matter.
but I have to say that it seems like he's fueling your escapism.
And I don't think that's good for you.

But you know what,
If you prefer this kinda lifestyle then so be it.

Like I've said,
I have no rights to interfere.

If you want it, I will leave you.

Hello you.
Do you think I can pull through this?

I'm losing my friends.
I'm losing my family.
I'm losing my ability to handle the workload.
I'm losing self-respect.

And all for god knows what reason.

I need some way to constantly remind myself that there are bigger things out there to worry about.
But it'll be swell to have your touch right now.
Coz I'm so blardy tired..
and I could do with some faith, some courage and some hope.

Because he runs your life,
you are running mine.

My head hurts like mad.

Can't deal with e jealousy and insecurity out, can't deal with e shoutings and everybody's "i wants" in and I cant deal with my irresponsibility within. More importantly, i can't deal with e need to pretend for everyone.

Sometimes e baggage is really not that heavy..... But it'll be nice to take it off once in a while.

Wanna lose my conscience and my consciousness for just one day. Just one day.

Come on soft rock weekend, do your magic.

Because there are way too much doubts, too much misunderstandings and (mis)conceptions/perceptions, I feel the need to protect her from the people who cares so much about me.

But I think I'm losing them all along the way.

Disappointed in myself. I've let them down.

I hate Fridays.

It's like every corner I turned, ppl were dying to squeeze some work out for me to do.

Misery likes company. But why do I always have to be THE company?

I wanna be selfish without feeling selfish!

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm sacrificing a little too much for the NOW.

What used to be fun have evolved into your convenience.

Coz you see, I'm starting to get a lil bit edgy, a lil bit confused and a lil bit unhappy with the mind-guessing. With the varying body language. And the dissociation between words and actions.

I need to reserve some self-respect for myself.

This morning, the family wanted to send alex and myself to work. But I rejected it yet again. Just so we could have a little ride together. But then, I can't help but wonder if you're just here because he's not. And what in the world is gonna happen when he comes back?

Am I just your super convenient spare tire?

Just my pang of sissyness talking.

There are some friends I know I can never live without.. despite having the need to leave for abit.

Feels like our problem is we don't talk through the problems nesting in our minds.

Losing everyone and everything around me. And I'm not even sure f it's worth it.

Starting to hate looks of things. Including my own guts. As in.. inside.

It's the ultimate fusion of disappointing myself, disappointing others around me and all for no rhyme or reason.

If it's always anger, frustration and cofusion, why stick around?

Dear god.

Trust issues.

I am so angry these days.

So filled with doubts and assumptions. It's bad enough to feel like trust is disappearing but you mix this with assumptions - and a whole cocktail of jealousy, of anger, and of self-protection just brews on it's on. In some ways, I feel like someone has just opened pandora's box. My pandora's box.

How can things change so much in just a couple of days.

I wish less thoughts were and are being put in my head right now. because i just cant keep going through this every weekend.

Trust thy heart.

I jumped outta bed at 4 today feeling like I'm lacking in a whole load of self worth.

kinda need a dad right now.

Your actions and your words do not tally.

But then again, neither does mine.

We need a lil bit'a trust.

I know because I'm not stupid. And many a-times I feel like taking a hike.

But then it's a first time in a long time where I take a look at the face, think of the worst case scenario and still feel like hey, it's worth it.



... DIE LA!

Long time since I had dinner, or a proper meal with the family. Had one tonight.

And I remember why I've not been around.

Feels like I'm from the 2nd grade family when we reach. Feels like I'm the bottom grade child when we sit.

Which only makes me wonder what to expect when 5 people and 2 animals shift in next month.

Am I just this?

Full of lies.

Mother is seriously getting on my nerves.

也许苦，也许甜
不害怕，不后悔

Lonely without you.

Hate the feeling I got the moment I woke up today.

Fear.lost.angst.anger.confusion.hope.

allcombinedintoone.

Today I had a couple of chances.
Today I didn't take those chance.
Today I feel really bad.

I don wanna live my life in regret.

Yesterday was a tiring day.

But in an awesome way. =))

Missing it even before Friday happens.

Willing this two weeks to pass by slowly.

yup, she thinks I'm stupid.

Sometimes I think you think I'm stupid.

I'm not talking of a hurried night.
A frantic tumble and a shy goodbye.
Creeping home before it gets to light.
That's not the reason that I caught your eye.

Life as we know it.

Some people makes decision in life by choosing the easiest way out. Some purposely goes against the flow for a kick in their mundane life.

I have the whole world who loves me going against my 2 biggest decisions at this point of my life.

How do I choose?

What is your choice?

Tired but just can't sleep.

Sent Sean Nee off to her new life in Dubai yesterday.

I hated it.

Didn't realize I would actually feel so strongly about it until I saw Eng and her. Both me amigos gone just like that.

The three of us have come a long way. From a shy dinner at Orchard Central, we progressed to having secret rendezvous(es) at the Infant Care, to frequent dinners, to caring smses, to many laughters and 10 times more tears.

Seeing Eng and Sean Nee last night brought about a whole lot of memories at CM. How we sneaked lame remarks or gossips to each other because we don't want people to know that we were hanging out, how we looked for each other when we were pissed and how we always hid at Eng's room in the afternoon to chit chat and to bitch about my family.

In retrospect, the school seems so much emptier now. Even though the number of people our age went up ( as compared to Ellen's time ), the feeling is somewhat different. I am thankful for most of them. Some especially more than others - like Maisarah, Sharon, Irene etc but it is still not the same. I can't say if it's for the better or for the worst but what I know for sure is that I miss the days with Eng and Sean Nee very much.

Staying at CM is like watching an old film.. where the background scene remains still but people starts disappearing.

Sometimes, it gets a little too lonely for my liking.

I'm afraid because when you're climbing or are at the top of the roller coaster ride, the only way you can go is down. And the higher you go, the faster you fall.

imagine me and you

Birthday came early this Halloween..

and I liked it very much.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
=))


Sidenote: There was another cake, another effort, another surprise from Mai, Irene and Eddy as well. Pics up when I get em.

I am so confused with you.

Eat.Pray.Love.

When I was all alone at yellowstone during the initial stages, Becky, our head chef who has been looking out for me since day one lent me her tv, a couple of good movies and the book, eat.pray.love.

I remember seeing that title in the bookstores in Singapore before so I showed special interest in it. Unfortunately before I could finish the book, Ken, matej, kate and Kelsey happened. Although I never did touch the book again, I've always felt the urge to buy it when I see it in the local bookstores. So imagine the excitement I had when I learned about the movie. Especially with Julia Roberts in it.

A couple of days back, I was battling with my down emotions again. I began asking alot of questions whose answers I couldn't receive. I vividly remember sitting on the bench by the playground asking him to appear again - just like the good ol' days at old faithful. He didnt have to give me answers. All he had to do was seat. But alas, I couldn't feel him/them. Despite the many days; albeit the many hours, he was a no-show. Together with her. I was worried, I was troubled, I was angry, confused, sad. I didn't even know how to pseudo pray anymore. So I panicked and text pl: I'm in trouble.

3 words.

The same 3 words that started the movie.

It felt like a miracle. A sign that was reinforced every now and then with the same quotes KS told me just hours before.

Eat.pray.love was like the answer to my many questions. Well not exactly answers but again, a sign that I'm not the only confused soul. It carried lotsa words that worked like inspirations to me. I proabably will never be as gung-ho as the character but hell, it's always better to imagine than to be confused all the time.

At the very least, it brought about some form of comfort for that 2.5 hrs.

Abit gay (well, YOU KNOWW) but retail theraphy works! At least for abit.

Need a huge sleeping pill.

Moulin Rouge - El Tango de Roxanne

Bet you didn't know I've always had the desire to direct my own musical.

天黑黑，黑黑。

I wish I could sleep it off like you do.

But i'm busy trying not to be busy making sense of it all.

I shake uncontrollably as the countdown to Monday begins.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

The Offspring - Self Esteem

We make plans, go out at night.
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light.

Can I really not trust you?

Feeling like El Tango de Roxanne.

Now I know that I'm being used.
But that's okay man coz I like the abuse.
I know she's playing with me,
But that's okay coz I've got no self-esteem!

This could have been a happy 3 years kinda post.

How much is loyalty worth?

favorfuckingtism!

I think no matter what, I won't be able to find back the feeling of drinking with the 4 of them.

Karolina, agata, matej, Kelsey. How I miss u all so.

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

My insecurity is acting up again. Sometimes I really hate it so much.

Thus saith the lord!

After seeing the picture Charlene showed at DINNER today, I have a sudden admiration for all nurses out there.

Guts.

(But I am still traumatized.)

The loneliest sound in the world is other people making love.

The point is I miss Mara very much and this is the best shot I've got.

sense of abandonment.

Ok. Maybee they do make some sense.

Put your act together.

Losing faith.

"In Poseidon, those who waited for help died eventually. Most of those who ACTed survived."

It's time to take some action.

And so it begins.






It always does.

Meaningless existence.

Have you ever wondered what the point of ur being here ever means? It's a Friday evening and I'm roamng abt suntec's carrefour waiting for Ellen. It's a Friday.. I should be happy. But I'm suffering from one of those Friday blues Eng always talks about.

Why I let ppl put me down this way at work, I will never know. Some people say being a girl is easy - you find a good and rich guy, you marry him and you lead a non-eventful life.

For the slightly more adventurous, you find a good career, marry a good man, have a couple of babies and live your life making the best for your family.

If you're a guy, you suck up every shit u have at work, find a good wife and provide for her.

For every of the above scenario, u have some sorta reason to take in the hardship.

But what if you were gay? You know you'll never be able to start a family. You'll never need to provide for someone. As long as you have a roof over your head and some food on ur plate, things will still be ok. Maybbeee you have to take care of ur parents, take care of the endless obligations at home. But those will end one day. Then what?

How will you know what's ur self worth? How will you know what's the lowest u should go at work? Thr's no reason for you to hold on. But there's no reason for you not to either.

Without the answer to why you're here, how will you have self-respect?

It's been a long time since I've been here. Long time since I can talk without thinking.

Maybe Ellen is therapeutic after all.

Peace.

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

I feel like I should be contented but I'm not.

I want more.

Humans should not be the reason to stay because humans never stays.

I'm no stranger to that but it is so fucking hard to practice what you preach.

come back soon.

Time to say bye bye.

Feeling extremely insecure.

So little time,

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

and I don't feel the same.

Is it worth it to stifle my lifestyle for an underpaid, unhappy job?

Or am I just being cocky?

Getting a tad too sensitive lately, aren't I?

I see my name in shinning light.

Running away from office politics... With no where to hide.

Born to disappoint.

My mother, the 2nd biggest in her company, completely doesn't understand how I feel like a dog at work.

way too sleepy.

Had dinner with ellen today. It felt like a massive detox session. Everything came out and it came without much thoughts.

Felt really sad when she spoke of her friends who judged her despite knowing her for years. Sometimes I wonder if it's really so hard for others to understand that it's also tough for us to be like this.

But this also serves to remind me of how lucky I am to be surrounded by amigos who are receptive and understanding to freaks like me.

Looks like that fight with mother turned out to be much more of a blessing than expected. Why else would I choose to shun home?

I'd hate to jinx it but it seems like i've been unexpectedly enjoying post-work activities afterall.

Fish and co fish and co go!

I can feel the tension coming back.

Mother and I had a rough past few days. Her action this afternoon puts me back in that very strange spot again and I find myself choosing between standing up for myself or being filial.

I hate how she can show such varying acts of love over the same incident and find me petty for taking offense. I don't see how she can't understand why I'd feel this way when she feels the same everytime grandma does it to her.

Tonight we sleep in separate rooms because of the tension. And while I like my privacy, I start to worry if she might feel abandoned and hurt. I don't want to and I won't go over. but I can't deny how guilt is consuming me. And it's making me very tired.

These needless internal squabbles between what I should do and what I want to do has to end. But how so?

There is so much anger within and I don't know how to get rid of it. And the more unhappy I feel, the more hung up I get over minute incidents and sneers passed by everyone in this family.

What a wuss.

Have I ruined you?

It's one of those guilt-ridden days. Wish I had the guts and courtesy to tell u how u were the best, how I've lived in regret and apologize for my very selfish reason(s).

It's starting to get tough living with mothers' favourtism again.

I could spell out every minute detail but that would only turn the tables at me. It's like I can never be good enough for her to respect me as much as she does the boys.

Sure she seems a lil better now. On the surface that is. Guess that's what money can buy afterall. As people start looking at how she's loving me materialistically now, do they also take notice of the sincerity she's lacking?

I feel old not because I'm old but because I have long been bored with what I've been doing with my life. I am ready to leave this all behind and venture to somewhere new. I am ready to carry nothing but my mp3, my camera, a story book and your picture. I am ready to feel young again and to take chances. I am ready to pretend to be that courageous.

I want to explore different cultures. I want to be oversaturated with 'me's.

I want to be able to write this without feeling so goddamn selfish.

Happy Birthday,

Happy Fathers' Day,

Happy Death Anniversary.

of S'mores and Rice Krispies Treats.

Friday I'm in love!

sick of being disappointed.

Have you ever thought of how you'd be when you grow old? Stubborn and proud? Or mellow and supportive?

Brought grandma out for a morning of fun the other day. First we headed to her favourite prawn mee stall ( which I thought wasn't that fantastic at all ) before bringing her to Changi and East Coast beach in an attempt to take pictures of the oil spill. Since it was a failed attempt, we had plenty of extra time to spare and mother decided to check out Toa Payoh.

Toa Payoh was where grandma grew up after she migrated here from Malaysia. And you have absolutely no idea how incredibly naggy she was. She repeated... over and over and over again all her old stories of the past. How she had this good friend staying at this particular block. How they used to be so close. How they got her to be a nanny when they had a baby and how that friend passed away when he was only in his 30s. She could finish the story and start it all over again right after the final sentence ended.

I guess most old folks are like that. But it's just so much harder to be patient with your own family member. Strange, I know.

Grandma belongs to the stubborn and proud group. And I'm afraid of growing old like her. But even though I hate her favoritism and blame her for why this family is so dysfunc, sometimes I still find myself fearful for the day she dies.

What's going to happen then?

Sometimes I feel like I'm brave enough to face whatever challenges thrown at me. But then when the real threat comes, I suddenly feel tired and become too lazy to fight.

Does that make me a coward?

Or does that mean that things like these are not worth fight for?

I keep forgetting that one shouldn't get too excited about something because it almost always DOES NOT HAPPEN.

i am such a childish fuck.

When I stumble upon random familiar music, I'd feel like I was shot back to moments in Yellowstone. Oh how much I miss you cool, crisp air.

non-stop dreaming of you.

You know it's all a matter of perspective but it's just so hard to see it that way.

Come my minions,
Rise for your master!
Let your evil shine!

tired...

need... sleepp....

I'm gonna work hard, gonna be self-sufficient, gonna be independent.

I'm gonna make me worth someone like Y-O-U.

I don't know why I've been blogging random one liners lately. Changes are so rampant here that I find myself fearing for what's to come next. Somehow good things seem to come and go so quickly yet bad things linger and haunt us ever so often.

I've made myself some pretty good comrades at this job.. as of every other place I've been to. And I've found comfort in some of them. But I know better than to dwell in good feelings like these. Things won't stay this way for sure and now, I fear 'goodbyes' before 'hello' even begins. I don't dare to commit anymore. Yet, some people just have that power to make you want to.

Yellowstone memories still rakes deeply in my mind and now that I've signed on, memories have been pinned up on the wall facing me so no one else but me can see and feel how close they are to me.

I like the times where I don't think much better.

Why even right now, I'm struggling to blog about how happy/scared/sad I am.

I'm both excited and scared to go to Taiwan.

No one else would appreciate Beauty and the Beast the same. That's what's cool.

I always have visions of my family members dying and I'm scared because I know that when something really happens, it'll be all my fault.

When I die, I want everyone to sign on my coffin.

I wish I could draw so I can put down these images in my mind.

I wish I could sketch so they would look as messy as I feel them to be.

After all your manipulation and abusive words and behaviour, why do I still feel so obliged to help you this time. Even when it has NOTHING to do with me and it's a holiday meant for you, your mum and your sons?

fuck you conscience.

I gave you my music, made your song take wing.
And now how you repay me.
Denied me and betrayed me.

The only time mother talks to me now, is when she needs me to do mindless jobs at home such as bring in the dishes, wash grandma's plates, wash grandma's aircon, change the lightbulb, fix the printer and so on.

Thereafter, not a single word of acknowledgement. No thank yous or welcome homes. Only blames and accusations. The most optimistic being mindless nods of head - clearly not listening, not even hearing a single thing I'm trying to say.

This evening, she confided/complained to EE that ah ma practices double standards between her and her brothers. Does she know that she's doing the same thing to me.. with the only difference being, I haven't got no sister to talk to like her?

ouch.

POTO is great not only for its songs, but also for the nostalgia that comes with the memories of Yellowstone.

These are the tunes that put me to zzz almost every night, the tunes I listen to whenever possible or the ones I hum to whilst in the kitchen with Orval and Matej.

These are the songs that I sing when I do my laundry on cold afternoons. My off-days were practically dedicated to POTO while I ponder if I should've gone to the store to visit Kelsey, or Mara or Karolina or Agata. It is the song that rings in my head when I caved and stole quick glances.

These were the songs I made Jasmine stop to listen to on the streets of Las Vegas where she refused to watch the play with me. The songs I listened to so earnestly when we were slacking in 'Terribles Hotel Room'.

I sang, I hummed, I even opera-ed them. And while everyone is getting quite irritated by my renditions, I never grew sick of them.

POTO reminds me of how cold the air was when we crossed over for lunch/dinner at the EDR. It reminds of how cold it may get at night or the little times I felt lonely. But more often than not, it brings back the warmth I also felt the bulk of the time I was there.

And on days as gloomy as today, POTO will once again bring me that warmth.. solitude becomes less of a cold lonely night when the voice of the phantom rages within.

Feels like I'm losing every ounce of spirit, motivation and drive.

The Phantom of the Opera - No one would listen

Beautiful, beautiful voice.

mother is reverting back to her old self.

Be it at Bozeman, outside Wal-Mart.

Or some random road at West Yellowstone.

Nothing can beat moments and companies like those.

Our hopes and expecatations,

black holes and revelations!

Can't believe Esther and her little Evangelia are leaving on Wednesday.

I hate goodbyes. Absolutely hate them.

' Can you remember whether you'd had a dream? One perhaps that seemed very real? '

'Oh yes.' Heidi's eyes met his. ' I dream every night that I'm back with Grandfather and can hear the wind whistling through the fir trees. I know in my dream the stars must be shining brightly outside, and I get up quickly and open the door of the hut - and it's so beautiful. But when I wake up I'm always still here in Frankfurt. '

running out of alone-times.

Time to file for tax returns from Yellowstone.

Just received an email from Teri Nightingale. Sigh....

How do you describe this kind of longing?

Homesick without leaving home.

Does that mean home is not home?

It's always the same story..

B sees A.

B resists talking to A.

A leaves.

B regrets and promises to talk the next time.

With some luck, A returns.

B becomes too nervous to start.

A leaves again.

And the most brilliant of pick up lines form.

AYEE!

We were watching old faithful go off far into the horizon by a bright orange sunset in my dreams last night.

We were free.

Work's been so busy I haven't got the time to write.

It's finally the long CNY break but I'm so tired I feel like every free minute should be spent catching up with my sleep or doing other mindless stuff rather than blog. I do have tons of things to talk about but.. aye, I guess I should wait till I'm more awake.

Work's been alright. Extremely exhausting but at least there are kids around. I have more to say.. but I'm too tired to do it right now.

What's important though, is that even though work's been taking up a huge chunk of my time now, some things still remain as important, as beautiful and as painful to me.

Like at the back of my mind, something's waiting for me. Just like how I've been waiting for it.

You can never say never.

Why we don't know when

time and time again

Younger then than we were before.

Don't let me go..

Don't let me go.

I hate it when grandma goes on a rampage like that.

Getting so sick of old people and their opinions and pride.

They know what is what but they don't know what is what. They just strut.

What the fuck?

Trying to find time.

I want a POTO mask.

Always on my mind.

Work starts tomorrow!

I am SO lost. What should I expect? What should I not expect? How should my first impression be like?

I'm not cut out for business-like positions like these!

But then again,

It's a brand new start.

A possible window of opportunity to make a change.

I am most definitely not ready. And I know it's stupid to want to drag this on because honestly, how long can I push back finding a job? Life has to go on and I can still do good, can't I? But I'm a whimp! Inside and out.

okok, this is getting out of hand.

I am going to face tomorrow bravely!

shit.

She looks over and flashes a gentle grin.

The voice on the other end becoming more noise than words.

She knows she isn't in control anymore - and she liked that.

With a swift goodbye she hangs up the phone and slowly strolls over.

That smile still hanging on her face.

It's just the two of them now.

Awkward yet comfortable.

With the imminent doom at the back of their minds,

neither side knew what to say.

Their eyes started sprouting silent words,

both willing their smiles to stay.

And by the beauty of the flickering flames,

Time stood still -

Just busking in her presence.

Some day, when I'm awfully low.

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow just thinking of you..

and the way you look tonight.

I can't believe this whole holiday thing is coming to an end. And I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's a perm job we're talking about. THE first perm job and.. I don't even feel mature enough!

I'll be classified as old from Monday onwards yet I'm still a whiny and spoilt little brat within. How do I cope with this?

I've been living life by taking things one step at a time so far and this is one huuuggee unplanned step and.. I HATE CHANGES. So naturally, I'm freaking out. Big time.

Gotta give it to Mari though. She's been shit load patient with all my paranoia. She's been taking my panic attacks pretty cool-ly. And even though I still bring up a million and one other most random worry factors, she hasn't lost her cool with me. Not yet anyway.

I think the bottomline is, I'm afraid to carve new memories for fear of forgetting the old ones. I hate changes and I'm gonna screw up so bad.

Somebody get me a chill pill!

thirtyfortynine!

Boom boom boom.

Shit. I got cold feet.

But then again,
you never really lose until you quit trying ( - Mike Ditka ) do you?

Have been reading Justin's girlfriend's blog on the sly lately. Her name's Courtney and I only met her once AFTER Justin had officially left Yellowstone ( thus the 'sly'. ) Stumbled upon the link whilst talking to him on his wall a few days back and since I was bored, I thought I'd just check it out. Turned out her posts were both too intriguing and interesting to stop.

I've always enjoyed reading about people's first experiences in a foreign place and that makes me a little upset about being too lazy ( or stupid ) to jot down the memories from the first moment at Yellowstone to the day I first stepped out onto the Geyser Basin with Dot ( which was about 4 days after I've arrived - I never dared venture across the road outside the store. Loser. ) to when people finally arrived and how it eventually became a kind of home which I still cannot let go of.

Anyway her latest entry was one on her participating in a protest against the political prisoners in Iran and as if that itself doesn't raise eyebrows, she also mentioned that her curriculum required her to attend one such session.

That's where the Singapore and US system differs.. I think. They encourage them to voice their thoughts and views by exposing them to it. There's practical learning in this. It's no wonder why they are often much more expressive and opinionated than us. Our learning habits, on the other hand, only teaches us to shut up and memorize textbooks. Better yet, memorize ten year series answers.

Back at the picnic bench outside the dorm, I sometimes hear Kelsey, Justin and Orval talk about their government and about other political issues. I really didn't quite understand what they were saying half the time but they sure did sound good.. if not well-learned. Sure I've heard of bits and pieces in the news before but those weren't enough to form the full picture so the best way out was to keep my mouth shut and pretend to be bothered by things like... how fat the chipmunk/squirrel ( they look the same!! ) was becoming. Her name was Samantha btw. Just in case you'd like to know.

I mean back in Singapore, we talk about the government too. But we bitch. Even if they were merely gossiping, at least it sounded more like a discussion to me. And I've seen the passion in Justin when he talks about some of the issues before. It was... nice?

Even though it's supposedly for our own good, I still think the Singapore government shelters us too much and we are too kiasi to question. And last night's 2012 with Xie makes me feel even more skeptical. ( On a totally random note, the show was AWESOME. Who the hell told me the show sucked? )

We don't even know how true certain local news we read from the newspapers are. Take for example - the economy. Everywhere's talking about how much it has picked up.. but somehow it doesn't show. Just flip through the classified ads - there's hardly anymore job openings for the business sectors. Engineers yes; business no. I was just on the phone with PL this evening and she told me how this week's career fair at NTU hardly have any employment opportunities for the business students. Some of the major banks didn't even get themselves booths this year.

And you gotta protest indoors in major IMF/ASEAN leader's summit! Joke. I know it's good for the safety and all... but.. Singapore's just too small. Too controlled.

I don't know why and what I'm rambling about anymore. Millions of random thoughts flood my mind these days and I find it very very hard to put them out in words. Maybe I'm turning mental.

OR maybe I've got pms.

Wish I were more eloquent.

Life is like a shooting star,

it don't matter who you are

if you only run for cover.

It's just a waste of time.

We are lost till we are found

this phoenix rises up from the ground

and all these wars are over.

Watched The Land Before Time today. I think I haven't seen the movie for close to 7 years already. (Can't say the same for the song though. haha.) Nevertheless, the show was still as good as how I remembered it to be. Maybe even better.

Have you ever wondered which character from the show best describes you? As much as I hate to admit, I really think I'm most like Cera. And I've always found her EXTREMELY irritating. Dammit.

Anyway, some people say that different people interprets what they see differently because everyone perceives the situation according to their own experiences.

How true that is.

A scene in the show where Little Foot felt lost and had that little non-coherent, private conversation with his mummy's spirit reminded me very much of the little solo walks and private conversations I used to have with either Dad, God or someone up there when I was at Yellowstone.

And I miss that presence very much.

I have no idea why I feel weird talking about it now. Maybe things like these should be kept deep inside and not to be shared over and over again. But like I've said, I'm a whiner. I need to whine. And I need to do this. I'm afraid of forgetting.

I remember being thankful when I was up there. Thankful for there not so creepy presence; and for their guidance. Still not sure guidance to what exactly but what mattered was, there was peace within. And I was thankful for that. At least during my solo trips.

There's no way to describe how that felt like and quoting examples wouldn't even be nearly as good but I dare say I've never been less clear of my path ahead before. Yet everything felt so right.

I guess I had faith then. Be it to god, to doing what I felt like doing and to doing when I thought was right. Faith kept me going.

but that same faith seems to be disappearing now.

It really did feel like someone was telling me, " everything's going to be alright " when I was up there. If you've watched 'city of angels', perhaps someone like Nicholas Cage had his hands on my shoulder then. Perhaps Nicholas Cage was dad.

Now though, It's like since mother's back in the picture, he disappears again. And I hate that. Because he doesn't seem to know how ridiculous our relationship's beginning to become.

With this nagging pain in my teeth/head/nose/eyes, I really can't deal with your discrimination.

AND how I can actually feel bad for not doing MORE than what I'm supposed to do.

This conflict is fucking ridiculous.

a pain like this makes you want to put a pistol to your bloody head.

So with Xie's go-ahead, I've mixed Panadol with the pain killer the doc gave and the pain's FINALLY subsiding. The lips and gums finally feels numb ( or in pseudo-scientific terms, something is finally blocking the receptors in my brain ) and I can't be thankful enough. But it's scary ALSO. It's like calamity right before the kill. There's just no saying when the pain will return and the throbbing is affecting everything! zzz also wrong; stay awake also wrong; eat also wrong; don't eat also wrong. All I know is that when it strikes, I jump around like a crazy man.

OUCH!

And I know I should stop talking. But I talk when I'm nervous. That's what I do! :(

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"1-2 caplets every 4 hours as required. Do not exceed 8 caplets in 24 hours."

Do the math.

Gurgling with salt water, taking pain killers, using a special toothpaste.

I've tried all of the above plus doing a couple of Sudoku's to distract myself but nothing's working!

And now, I have a !!!ing headache, sore throat, blocked nose and stinging eyes!

I don't care that I'm whining like a kid - I AM 10 at this very instant.

The pain is killing me!!

Have I ever said how much I hated toothaches? Hope I did because I fucking hate them.

The effing toothache is back!

I really should learn to stop singing when I'm alone in the gym.

Was completely immersed in my make-believe performance whilst lifting weights today so I sang ( not so silently ) to the tune of "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" alongside U2. Afterall, it was 915pm and there was nobody in there with me. Seems like a good time to let my guard down no?

so I went..

.. these city walls.

Only to be with you..

But I stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haven't founnnddd what I'm.....

then I felt cold air on my right so I looked over.

ZOMG!

A lady was standing by the doorway staring at me - with her mouth open!

The place closes at 10! Who the hell starts working out 45 mins before?!

I can't even describe how embarrassed I was. But whichever the case, something had to be done to ease the awkwardness - so I did the next smartest thing: smile, stare at the floor, let a completely silent moment float by before humming out loudly the remaining parts of the song.

Might as well end it in style right? ( In my mind though, I was actually planning the best and swiftest way to exit the gym. )

So I finished up with that set and was about ready to pack up when the radio started playing "I turn to you" and surprise surprise..

besides Christina Aguilera's, I hear another person's voice too.

Turns out that same lady was part-singing; part-humming as well! hahaha.

Looks like I can be pretty influential myself!

Whenever M&M are mentioned, things suddenly becomes that much closer to heart.

The show. It..

showed me something I thought was gone.

I know what to do now.

And just for the record,

I'll be at Montana too.

If I were to ever adopt kids in the future, I wouldn't want them entering the house feeling like this.

And on a totally different note, my DVDs have finally arrived! Time to glue myself to the TV.

Kinda miss being able to drop by your room on long afternoons or evenings and spending quality time together doing nothing but catch a movie, read magazines, listen to music or even just to chat.

Oh it was sad,

oh it was sad.

It was sad when the big ship went down.

Was in the mood for Chinese oldies tonight - the strange Singaporen kind. So I turned to youtube ( definitely the best invented portal ever! ) for help and I stumbled upon this song. :)))

Ahh, Nostalgia.

But I'm no cheenapiang! This song brings back really good memories. At least for me.

About 5 years ago, back in the JC days, we had the world's most fantastic chinese teacher. Her teaching techniques were amazing - all kinds of pattern also have.

Of course she still had those boring textbook lessons, chinese spellings and essay writing classes. But.. she also had lessons which were fun! And trust me, I've never been excited for ANY chinese lessons before her. Well, any OTHER lessons at all as a matter of fact - maybe except Selina Lim's classes. haha. ( She was so hot. )

So anyway, as I was saying, this teacher had brilliant ideas for Chinese lessons. She could spend the whole hour listening to our lame my-dog-ate-my-homework type excuses and still laugh at them. And she just had this very animate and interesting way of describing Chinese proverbs. I know for a fact that PL really liked her lessons and I dare say that almost the entire class or maybe even all her classes enjoyed them too.

I remember once when she made the entire class bring chopsticks for lesson while she prepared plates of peanuts and we spent that whole hour or 2 practicing how to pick peanuts up the 'proper' way. Obviously that wasn't part of the curriculum but that's what made her so cool!

Of course, that didn't turn out too well. By the end of the lesson, most of our chopsticks were casted aside and we ended up gorging ourselves with handfuls after handfuls of peanut. hahaha. Diet plan fail; lesson objective fail.

Then one really stuffy afternoon, she came into class with a cassette player in her hands and she started playing this song. Somehow, I fell in love with it IMMEDIATELY so I asked her to play it over and over and over and over again. ( Come to think of it, I think pom pom and a few others were moaning/grumbling everytime I asked her to play it again. tsk. ) Unfortunately, she only obliged twice and told me that if I were to do my essay by the end of the lesson, she would play it once more.

Already 17 and still I fell for that trick. :( I DID rush through the essay that day but she never kept her word. Then I nagged her into promising to play it once more before we graduated. That never happened too.

What a liar.

haha. Even so, she was still an amazing teacher and even though the song doesn't sound that fantastic anymore, it's still nice to hear it again. :)

I've been living by a new philosophy of late.

That without the want, there won't be any disappointment.. nor anger.

But I'm not sure now if it's doing me more harm or good.

You see to stick fervently to this believe, since the KL trip, I've been living without any expectations or desire for fairness or to fight for anything. If someone irritating comes into the gym and screws with the machine, so be it. If I've spent the last hour waiting for my turn on the treadmill but someone who came in 5 minutes ago just takes over without checking who's behind, so be it. If mother does her various favourtism bid again, so be it. No job? So be it.

So be it.

Everytime I get a sick sense of feeling from inside, I just block it out and keep walking. Keep playing with my camera, or reading those books, or watching my shows. Whatever it is, I just stop entertaining these 'voices'.

And its been working well. I get frustrated less and time seems to pass faster. Except for the gym or for a swim, I hardly go out. Once in a while, I hang out with the usual people but we seldom spend big bucks so it really looks like this is the best way out. I get to save money, and I get to avoid all kinds of emotions that comes with people's criticisms or with disappointments. Better still, mother recently got mioTV and we have a one month free movie subscription for alllll channels.. even the Video on Demand ones and I'm almost the only one who's home in the day time so guess who gets to benefit most from this?

Fender and moi!

But a lifestyle like this can only last for so long. It's like I'm only awake when I'm running or swimming. Everythingelse is on autopilot. And at gym today, I caved and couldn't help but wonder.. is this healthy at all?

I'm soooo behind in my emails to Mara and Rita and Matej and Becky. And I've been using the same excuses over and over... that I've been down with a really bad flu. Which is true except that I'm recovering and I've long past the days where I couldn't "stay up late to write emails ". I just... I don't know. Suddenly I have no idea how to face them. To tell them that I'm still jobless, or that I still want to leave the country, or that mum's still been driving me crazy. ( note the word 'still' in all these old news. ) Or do I tell them how the Montessori job thing has deflated my confidence that much more again and I am utterly sick of sending resumes because Singapore obviously doesn't want me. Or that I'm sick of putting on that mask when I meet family members. Or how I have to hide how much I miss being released from these invisible chains.

All these childish issues. They shouldn't even be brought up anymore. It bores the crap outta ppl but these small things to others are somehow huge weights within me.

Finding a job in Singapore doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Not at all. Even when Montessori was giving me those false hopes, I was excited and happy and all.. but now it seems like the enthusiasm was more for the day I would be able to earn enough to get myself an apartment or a car and a day-time maid for the house so I can show the family how successful I've become despite their murmurs.

I do like and want the job. Especially with its learning opportunity and all but on the hind side, I guess greed was also slowly creeping its way into my brain as I started yearning to be recognized by status.

I once told Agata to always remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it's time I took up my own advice.

I've forgotten how it felt like to think that money is of secondary importance. Or to want to.. try out social work. So maybe this whole Montessori saga happened to help me remember? Ever since that last email exchange with Ah Bert's friend, I've been casting the whole idea aside. Her friend was right - I didn't have the qualifications to be a social worker and they won't want me. So how do you move on when your dream was suddenly strike off the list?

Whichever the case, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever spirit I have by seeking employment locally. Like it's just a routine.. an expectation. Not something I can really feel for. But then again, where can Asians go?

Maybe it's time to sort things out.

That said, I gotta give credit to a whole bunch of friends who have been trying to help me in their own little ways. Especially Jasmine, Xie, PL, Ah Bert, Emily and Mari. ALLLLLL of whom have helped in the ways they know.

Gonna need a shit load of time to get rid of this guilt.

Is it childish to still be this spooked over a nightmare?

I remember how I always wanted to play this on the harmonica outside Ann's dorm.

Listening to this, I know I still do.

2009 has been a strange year thus far.

I started out being plagued with a series of bad luck. It's all in the archives - but in a nutshell, EVERYTHING was going wrong. And I probably wouldn't be able to survive that without the support of friends and a good girlfriend.

FYP happened as well. And it had to take place together with GMS. Tackling both was shit especially with the stress of the final exams. And once again, HUGE credit goes to the one who stood by me through that struggle.

Then came America. I wasn't even looking forward to it to begin with. Well, I was excited about leaving the country and all but I didn't know what to expect. Especially not something as amazing as what I had.

And it started out bad. Hiccups one after another. But these hiccups turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Met and made friends with a bunch of people from around the world. Bonded with pretty much everyone.. ESPECIALLY the 4 of them. Followed my heart for once. Got myself a sister of sort. Earned myself a couple of godparents. Saw the other side of the Taiwanese girls. Had a taste of how an ang moh's fart smelt like. Laughed in the face of a friend-gone-wrong friend. Went insane with ALL of them. Followed my heart again. Experienced the best kind of laughter. Cried through the worst kind of goodbyes. Seen the most unexplainable kind of bond.

... I miss them all; I miss them 4.

Alas, I changed again this year. Disappointed millions of people, got confused as to who I am, and had my attention narrowed down to being self-sustaining. If you know of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I probably went up the pyramid.. by dropping off all the others below.

I became selfish.

I owe huge amounts of apologies to millions of people. I owe it especially to one particular person.

But I also wanna give thanks to billions more this new year. To that same person, to Xie, to the same sec sch clique, to the jc clique, to the uni ones - that means you too mari.

and to my worldwide allies. they know who they are.

Helluva 2009 I'd say.

Happy New Year folks.
And for Auld Lang Syne my friends.