For Old Times' Sake..

And days of Auld Lang Syne.

Went for a swim with Xie yesterday. Turned out to be more of a dip since miss oh-but-the-pool-is-so-dirty refused to continue swimming after like 3 laps? haha.. bet it's the occupational hazard. Can't imagine how we made it through all those overseas trips together! Gotta admit it though, the pool was really bad yesterday. I swear it's the kids!

So we headed for dinner @ Thai Express thereafter before spending the rest of the evening grocery shopping and scouting for her word puzzle book. It was a good night out. Swimming felt sooo great still. If it weren't for those pesty ( is this even a word? ) little kids that crowds the pool this holiday, I wouldn't have switched over to the gym which by the way, is also getting a little too crowded lately.

Don't know what the problem is but I just can't seem to get away enough from people. Maybe Xie was right. We were too gung-ho back in the council days. So much so we are now completely zapped out of every ounce of energy and all we wanna do is just rot away and enjoy our own me-time.

OK, 'we' might be a lil' too much of an overstatement here since Xie is obviously still in her honeymoon period regardless of how much she wants to deny it. haha.

The point is, we are supposed to be living in our prime right now! Instead, I feel like a 60 year old complete with arthritis and a bad tamper.

I still can't believe it's New Years' Eve already. I thought last year was pretty bad but this year.. wow. NOTHING. Remember how we used to wish we were of legal age to drink so we could crash various countdown parties? Suddenly not so enthusiastic anymore. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that Justin and Wei Wei aren't here. Or that some part of me is still loitering amongst the benches outside our dorm at Yellowstone.

Weird enough though, I'm kinda embracing these seemingly lonely time. You know it's very much like playing with barbie ( weird metaphor, I know. )- I get to create my very own make-believe world except my barbie and ken are wayyy hotter. And non-fictitious.

I don't even know how to explain to concerned friends how I'm feeling anymore. It sucks to have lived a life of getting to be who I want to be and do what I wanted to do just to lose it all in one night. And worst yet, there's no way of trying to share this with others who are nice enough to pretend to understand but you know that deep down, they can't grasp the concept a full 100%.

I guess alot of this has to do with the family. I've probably portrayed a really bad image of them throughout the years. For what it's worth, they are still family. It's just that, I think grandma screwed everything up and hence, preferential treatment and favourtism runs in our blood and that's freaking me out. I feel like I've lead a way over-protected ( ie, over-controlled ), biased, lack-of-faith, etc etc etc life and I want to break out of this. Most importantly, I wanna break out of being judged. But how can I ever achieve that?

Putting it bluntly, I wanna be that irresponsible kid who leaves the home, leaves the mum to explore the world. I don't wanna be that person who gets stuck between doing what I want to do and feeling obliged to stay behind to 'accompany-my-mum' while the rest of the family gets to do what they want.

I hate this struggle and I wanna get rid of it. I don't wanna be my mum.

So when an unexpected experience such as that of YNP comes about, how can I make myself let go?

But who will understand all these? No one back home was there. No one there was here. Yet everyone thinks they know me so well.

Makes me laugh sometimes.

Still ah bert is right. I don't think I would ever wanna trade this year up for anythingelse.

Happy 2010!

I'd like to make myself believe,

that planet Earth turns slowly.

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay

Awake when I'm asleep

because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

always always ALWAYS the compromised one.

.. sneaking away from his vigorous training, he wanders far off to a secluded corner of the beach.

This place has grown familiar to him after his last twenty visits or so.

Even so, this routine never grows old.

Taking a deep breath, Sam preps himself for a sound that seemingly makes even the tiniest leaves sway.

" Kellyyyy, niii haoooo mahhhhh? "

" Kelllyyy, niii haooo mahhhh? "

" Kellyyyyyyyy.. "

Merry Christmas everyone.

It's like ouch.

and ouch.

then ouch ouch ouch.

Why do I feel like I'm walking away from my conscience when she did me wrong first?

Band Aid.

Is it weird that I miss them or 'WB' especially much when I drink?

Had a great night out with KS last night. We met for dinner at Whitesands. Wanted to try the new subway healthy meal but the price makes it wayy out of the question. Especially in my jobless and extremely penniless state. ( Bloody pay's only gonna come in either christmas or maybe even later than that! )

We COMPLETELY finished walking around Whitesands before making our way to Summer Breeze, a pub at Pasir Ris Park - kinda turning into our hangout pub. And because it was only 8pm, we decided to WALK there. It isn't a looooooonnnngg distance but it was long enough for our legs to feel sore by the end of it. Still, it was fun. We managed to talk about alot of things.. from the day we met ( which was a good 10 years ago ) till the present. And when that was all done, we started reenacting F.R.I.E.N.D.S scene. After all these years, I've only just realized how crazy he is of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. He's actually crazy about that more than anyone I've known.. he know's every script of every scene! Everytime I pop out a random sentence, or phrase, he's able to complete it.

Is that crazy or is that crazy?! haha.

So we ordered a tower of San Miguel and SJ joined us for a while. And I really mean a while. Like 1 hr?

KS and I resumed our 'deeeep' conversation after SJ left before heading to the 24hrs coffeeshop for Rojak.

So you see, it was an expensive and fattening night. But you know how they say that the best nights are the most sinful ones.. This one night of fun has cost me SO MUCH. :(

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call,

I love it when you call.

But you never call at all.

Have you ever felt something so strongly but you can never seem to point a finger to it?

You get so confused, you don't know how to choose.

Then you pick up something.. a movie; or a book and everything seems like a sign - like all your memories put into a story.

And out pops the most aptly put phrase somewhere in the story.

Do you call this a sign?

Is James Patterson a sign?

Can I call you sometime?

Those 3 messages can now only serve as a very painful reminder of how you have made me stronger.

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing,

broken your servant I kneel.

It seems what's left of my human side

is slowly changing in me.

Looking at my own reflection

when suddenly it changes,

violently it changes.

There is no turning back now that you've woken up the demon

IN ME!

Everyday I mutter a sorry meant for you.

Beauty so unavoidable,

Everywhere you turn, it's there.

I sit and wonder,

what am I doing here?

But on the telephone line I am any height,

I am any age, I want to be.

I could be a caped crusader,

0r space invader,

And you wouldn't know the difference.

Or would you?

swallow.

and grow.

Life is full of contradictions isn't it?

I feel like I'm a person without a soul; without spirit or drive. But as much as I hate this auto-pilot lifestyle, I'm enjoying my lesser-obligations way of life.

Looks like the last week was the LAST week.

Been on MC the past 2 days so I can't go in for the final 2 days of work.. which is quite weird. Have you noticed? I ALWAYS fall sick on the last week of work.. like somehow my body knows everything's ending and it's not willing to hang on for a couple more days.

I don't admit it because I'm too proud to do so but I think I'm gonna be at least a lil' bummed out over having lost this job. Well, lost is not the right word but the fact lies that I'm jobless again. Getting a job, earning some money is like taking the next step towards gaining independence and being less frowned upon by the family. And now that this is over, I'm sure the " have you been applying for jobs " naggings are gonna come flooding in again.

If they are nagging because they are concerned, I can neither see or feel it. It's like they nag just for the sake of nagging.. for the sake of me not disgracing them rather than because they want their daughter/niece/that girl to grow up being successful.

So the job was good because I get to be further away from them; away from their stares and words but it compromised my exercise time, my me-time and other non-monetary things. And I'm not sure where to draw the line of being balanced.

That said, I'm also glad that it has all ended. Firstly because I was totally over-exhausted over last week's posting at Turf City. Somehow, I think the travelling was what made me so worn out. Also, it's high time I focused all my energy into applying for full-time jobs.. IF I may.

Oh, and not to mention all their surprises. Damn those " come in at 10 tomorrow " messages.

Sigh, why does it all have to be so hard?

gastric flu is like having a hangover without the alcohol. and much more.

feel so sick.

I live my life and I'll do what I want to make ME happy and I shan't care if that makes you happy or not.

If you can hurt me, why can't I hurt you?

Why do you still insist on sending me on these guilt trips?

Hey There Delilah

man down; man down!

If I were to pen down these words in my head,

do you think I can maybe piece out a song?

Was listening to Basket Case over and over again.

Do you have the time

To listen to me whine?

About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those -

melodramatic fools.

Neurotic to the bone

no doubt about it.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

It all keeps adding up,

I think I'm cracking up!

Or am I just paranoid ?

Am I just stoned?

Until I remembered about Pachelbel's Rant.

Still so funny.

Seems like frustrations like this helps clock my best timing.

At the expense of an effing abdominal pain.

Gotta be strong.

Good sun for a swim today.

"OOHHHHHHH!"

Could you ever know how much I care?

Could you ever know that out somewhere,

there's a boy who really hurts?

Managed to knock off work early the other day and while I was driving home, I noticed that there was a cricket/softball/baseball field on the opposite road and there were people playing there. Without thinking, I immediately made a U-turn and parked right behind a string of cars that probably belonged to spectators of the game. Was in the mood for Sublime so I put on the CD, lowered the chair and started drifting off.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there and then. I've never been a huge fan of softball - much less Singapore's softball. But it felt right. With Brad's voice blasting in the car and my mind drifting in and out of zzz, I could've sworn for a split second, I was back at the softball pitch. It was both disturbing and nice and I could have spent the rest of the evening there pretending to be Nicholas Cage in 'The Matchstick Men'.

But I felt like a creepy stalker after about half an hour ( of course unofficially, I was also afraid of being caught by a traffic police ) so I decided to leave. By then, my body was taking control of the wheel and in the spur of a moment, I found myself speeding towards Pasir Ris Park.

( Wished so badly I had a DSLR then. Sunday afternoon by the beach? Perfect photo-taking opportunity. )

Have you ever wondered when the last time you went kite-flying was? And were that good times?

Except for images of a loong white string coiled around a Yakult bottle, I have almost ZERO recollection of how it was like to fly a kite. But as I was strolling down the beach, I saw kids running around trying to get their kites up high in the sky. The children's laughter were beautiful. Makes me wonder if we would laugh as heartedly as them or would we be too cool to run around the field with a string attached to your hand? Off-hand, I can already list off some people who will NOT go kite flying because we're too old.

Anyway the point is, I've never been a go-to-the-beach-alone type person and it felt weird. But good as well. Nothing concise was going through my mind yet it felt like it was exploding with thoughts trying to run straight out into the sea and never return.

It was a very contradictory experience.. very painful yet very nice. Somewhat like how the skype date with Matej was last night. And I can see that it was the same for him as well. Especially when we started talking about how things were and how much we missed spending time together. A topic we avoided until the very end.

It has always been a love-hate relationship with Matej. More love than hate but oh god, there were times where I wanted so much to strangle him. But those instances don't last and by the end of it all, either one of us would attempt to make up in the oddest way ever.

" smoke? "

" we are watching a movie upstairs. Come join us if you want. "

" Want my tuna? "

haha. really weird.

But it was amazing how we could still finish off each other's sentences last night. Like we've been friends for years. And he's probably the only person that I can reminisce with without feeling.. stupid? Guniang? I can't find the right word.

I hope his plan to come really works.

Picture this.

In a setting exactly like that Christmas Party.

*round of applause.

music.

Yvonne (sitting alone, guitar on hand ) : " This next song is quite simply the greatest composition in human history. And if you disagree, I will fight you. "

Sniggers by people like Justin who recognized the song.

Gonna find my baby gonna hold her tight gonna grab some afternooon delight.

My motto's always been when it's right it's right,

why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

*Casey walks out slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and Yvonne: Wheeenn everything's a little clearer in the light of day.

Anndd you know that night is always gonna be there anywayy.

*Casey's brother walks in slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and his bro:

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( BIGGG horny grin ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT! Afternoon delight! AAaaah ahh afternoon delight. Aahh ahh afternoon deli-ight.

All:

Started out this morning feeling so polite,

I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.

But you've got some bait-a-waiting and I think I might,

Try nibbling ( low voice, cheeky seductive eyebrow raising to the audience ) a little afternoon delight.

All: Sky rockets in flight!

Justin (from the last row in the audience + really feeeeling it like he always does ): Pooooooo!

* proud friends in the audience laughs; old people who cannot quite understand the craziness of the youngsters laugh.

All: Afternoon delight!

Casey does the solo.

Justin: woooop!

All: AAahh ahh afternoon delight! AAahh ahh afternoon deli-igght!

Casey's bro does the flute.

Casey looks at Sigrid flirtatiously for affirmation. I look at my friends for mine. They smile back.

Casey and Yvonne ( Casey's bro does the really hard high pitch harmonizing ): Pleeassee be waiting for me baby when I come arounnd. We could make a lot of love before the sun goes downn.

All ( with a lil' sychronized dumb left right front back action ):

Thinking of you's working up my appetite.

Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.

Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.

And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( including young audience and older ones who are crazy enough ):

SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT!

Audience: Pooooooo!

All: AFTERNOON DELIGHT!

Audience: wooop!

All: Aah ah afternoon delight! Aah ah afternoon delight! Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhh

Casey's bro: We sound good.

Yvonne: We sound really good.

Casey: I'm freaking out. We sound GREAT!

silence.

All: Afternoon delight!

Melody.

Proud friends in the audience laughs from deep within their belly and clap.

• Justin reminds me of 'Afternoon Delight'
• I'm not being narcissist - Casey and his bro are better singers/players/funnier than me hence they do the tougher harmonizing ( which I not so secretly want to learn )
• No idea why it's Casey, his bro and me.
• No idea why I'm doing this at this hour.
• No one left yet.
• Matej, Kelsey, Agata, Karolina laughs real hard and looks like they were really enjoying the show. :) They think we're sexy. hahaha.
• Matej keeps yelling, " Oh My Gawd!"
• Crazy Celia is laughing at how dumb we looked. Seriously woman.
• Julie, Sharen, Evelyn, Yumi, Jana gets totally swooned over by Casey's bro.
• Sigrid is so proud of Casey she could've cried.
• Ann, Joe, Rita, J.P, Mara looks on with pride.
• I can see Sarah, Nick and Orval probably rolling their eyes at how dumb we looked. Then Sarah laughs. ( I can literally hear it. )
• Becky and Juliann doesn't understand the lyrics but they love the spirit. They were laughing too. Not too heartedly though.
• Now I cannot stop thinking of how I sang the song loudly in front of Kelsey. WITH ALL THE WRONG LYRICS! I think I was screaming, " Fly Robinsons fly! " ( with tons of gusto! ) for like a million times until she went, " ermmm, I think you're singing it wrong. " ZOMG!
• I will stage the perfect show one day and show the people downstairs that I'm better off without them.

Am sitting at Vivo's rooftop right now. It's 545pm - dinner time and most certainly the best time during working hours. I love sitting by the bench, looking at all the kids/teenagers/adults/old folks strut around the waddle pool right before heading over to the harbour for a quick smoke.

It's time like this do I wish I have a DSLR to capture a baby in pampers stumbling around the pool. Or kids making all kinds of geyser-like splashes as they chase one another. Once in a while, a kid would fall and the rest would crowd around trying to pacify him/her. I could even say I saw a boy offer his lollipop to cheer her up today and it wouldn't be weird but such wonderful scenes only happens in TV shows.

The point is,

Even kids knows how to care for one another.

What about adults?

3 weeks into this job and I'm starting to feel like I'm living a mafia way of life in the store. Somewhat like school actually, where different people have their different 'backings' so they'll look cool or won't get bullied by others. It's always good to have someone watch your back you know.

Likewise, everyone in the store has their own 'backing' and thankfully, I'm in the right gang of aunties (G.O.A) where the big boss is the most experienced and hence, most respected lady ( because nobody dares to step on her toes since she's been there even longer than the supervisor ). They tell me when's too early to leave or when's too late to leave ( can you believe this last phrase? ) or they'll go, " little girl ( they can't really get my name right ), stop pouring samples. Start packing up and wait for my cue to leave " or " little girl, don't leave before me. The supervisors here likes to pick on the newcomers. Tell me where or when you wanna go and I'll lead the way and they won't give you any trouble. "

woo hoo.

But even though they are always looking out for me, I still think they lack a certain compassion in them.

A wheel-chaired guy came by our puny lane today. He could talk fine but even holding a small paper cup proved a challenge to him. When he stopped to try my drink, we spoke for a while. Ok, MORE than a while and I have to admit that there were awkward silences for the most part but he still tried his best to yak on.

Unfortunately the G.O.A weren't too pleased with that. Not with me talking but with the man 'blocking the way'. And they didn't put it too nicely. ALL of them were complaining about how he was obstructing business or the human traffic after he left.

Hell, they get upset even when the Haagen-Daz promoter asks me to help her throw her rubbish on my way out.

Is this how the lifestyle here is right now? Or is it just the 'modern generation'? Does everything have to be in such a rush? Even co-workers don't bother to smile or nod at each other when we walk past each other at the back. Most of the time, I feel like an idiot always trying to be friendly.

And the truth is, when that cleaning uncle went overboard today, I felt good asking him to shut up. ( see, mafia. ) But, I felt bad thereafter because.. well, he's a senior and I shouldn't be so sarcastic to him. But he shouldn't be yelling at me FIRST. Especially in the middle of the crowd when I did nothing wrong. You know how that makes me mad.

Assumptions. tsk. Always makes an ASS of U and ME.

The most important question is..

Am I going to be like that as I grow older?

This is a screwed up place.

1:52 - 2:17

Love the solo.

Definitely more 'O.C' than 'P.S I love you'.

1) IamnotaquitterIamnotaquitterIamnotaquitter.

Quitting is NOT an option.

2) Stop procrastinating! Start finding ways to leave.

3) Stop looking for your mum's affirmation. It doesn't happen and the sooner to realize that, the sooner you can leave this behind.

4) Stop expecting your family to treat you with respect. That does not happen either and things will be easier if you rid yourself of such expectations.

5) You depend on no one but yourself.

6) Don't forget to be a friend.

Still can't decipher you.

Relatives are coming in tomorrow through Sunday. Alvin has a room that would be freaking empty because he will be at camp most of the week. I have to go to work early in the morning every single day they are here. But guess what,

I have to vacate my room just because she thinks her sons will never let go of their room.

She confuses me all the time.

Seriously,

Why are they always at the top of her priority?

Why can't she be rational for once?

I'm really tired of this struggle.

Don't wanna fight no more.

Don't even need your love. Just PLEASE, be fair.

Do you know how tiring it is to play the role of a husband, a daughter and a shield?

Do you know how important having the faith is for your daughter?

But it's too late for that.

I gotta learn how to quit being a wuss and start walking away.

I've always been your unfilial child anyway.

She said that if he was around, our lives could be worst off.

...

It's because of flashbacks like this do I not want to drink anymore.

But I know I'll miss Xie if I ever do leave Singapore.

But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

The witch in grandma came out again today and damn it, just like how mother received most of the scolding even though her brother's the one that caused the fury,

She turned the bloody arrow in MY direction.

Left my PSP at the gym last night so I got Sui Ku to go retrieve it since it's at his place. But mr smart-alec over there decided to prank me and claimed that he couldn't find it. AND that someone else went into the gym right before he left and was using the machine I was on.

So the bottom line was, the stuff's gone. At least until he had his share of fun.

That's when everything became.. weird. Sorta. At that very moment when sui ku told me it was gone, I didn't think of the money; I didn't think of the movies; I didn't even think of the music, much less the games. What I was frantic about, however, were the pictures. Even though I have them all stashed up in my harddisk.

So I'm staring at the pinboard right now, looking at it the same way I was staring at them when I first put it up. The same way I've been staring at it every so often and with Weezer in the background, I can't stop thinking,

" We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever - we'll never feel that (bad) anymoree. "

How do you keep saying the same thing without dulling the meaning of it?

But somehow, I cannot help but feel like I'm telling the big guy things that are meant for another.

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.

Across the water across the deep blue ocean.

Under the open sky, oh my,

Baby I'm trying.

What's my bearing?

I'm really quite scared.

Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.

FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! FUCKING BIASED MOTHER OF MINE!

Definitely too much anger in me right now.

Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.

Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Can't write what I say,

Can't say what I write.

Everytime I try,

My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,

Maybe make that two.

For at this very moment,

My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.

Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.

Why dream?

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?

How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?

Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.

Think of me, Think of me waking

Silent and resigned.

Imagine me trying too hard

To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.

Think of those things we'll never do.

There will never be a day

When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,

Spare a thought for me.

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.

I'm home.

And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..

1) really enjoyed the trip.

2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.

3) love my free time

4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.

Goodnight.

I just want to tell you nothing

you don't want to hear.

All I want is for you to say..

Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.

It's been 2 months since I got back.. 2 months and a day to be exact and even though I really enjoy the space and hate the thought of being tied down by a job, the thought of me having spent the past 2 months lazing around sickens me.

Alex got me a digital frame for ze birthday. Xie and Emily both treated me to (a HUGE) dinner and drinks respectively [note to self: repay.when.rich.] and there's even a cake this year! So except for grandma's moody, jealous and disgusting face, it was a good day. I even had a Kristen Dunst movie marathon! Though I've never really been a fan of hers. Oh wells.

Been spending the past couple of days with Xie and Emily lately. Who would've ever thought the three of us would hang out together one day? Strange world. But I guess it's uncertainties like this that helps make each day different - for better or for worse. And I still think what Xie did for Emily was very nice.

So the moment I got the digital frame, I ripped the box and placed like tons of scenic yellowstone pictures in it and boy oh boy, it made me both happy and I guess nostalgic at the same time. It was perfect. Especially when I turn it on together with some sentimental music.

*sniff.

There are so many things I would so wanna buy if I had the money.

Top of the list? DSLR! Followed by The O.C soundtrack ( they have the best mix of music. THE BEST. ), a 3G phone, macbook. And of course, a huge portion would go to my savings for my future migration or a holiday home plan. I know, I've always talk about saving my money and it never happens. But so far, it's been going pretty well. Hopefully, it'll stay this way, or get better with more money.

Sigh, if I were a rich man..

I really want/need/yearn to get a DSLR asap. I've never seen Singapore as a place where beautiful pictures can be taken. But lately, I've seen so many picture perfect moments, so many opportunities. If only I had the camera. Oh and of course the skill. Which reminds me.. I should drop by the library to get myself one of those camera books while I'm still bumming around.

The past couple of days have also been pretty mind boggling for me. Singapore Airshow offered me the Marcom position which I feel could be very useful for my resume in the future, be it in or out of Singapore. But the pay and the terms of the contract were just too much. It practically yells " cheap labour! " in a thousand and one words. But to turn away a money making opportunity just wasn't easy.

Generally, everyone except my mum ( ok and Xie who's nagging at us to get a job SOON ) thinks that the job wasn't worth considering. So I finally wrote in and turned down the offer today. Surprisingly, the moment I hit the 'send' button.. I felt relieved and like I didn't make the wrong choice. In retrospect, I'm sure if I accepted the job, I'ld be feeling upset about the pay and wondering if I made the wrong move. So there, I think I've finally made the right choice.

In other totally random news,

I miss the smell of nature so much.

Have you ever experienced a sense of longing, minus-ing the pain that comes with it?

America really has brought to me a whole set of emotions I've never had before.

Really miss the sceneries, the snow and many more..

DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR DSLR!

To all of you American girls,

it's hard to imagine a world without you.

American girls,

I'ld like to be part of the world around you.

Driving a car by the seaside.

Watching the world from the bright side.

Feel that?

I hate it when people think that I am a lost case and behaves all superior than me.

I hate it even more when I start thinking that I am a lost case and let people behave all superior than me.

Less of pain, more of miss.

Everyday I run away from such emotions.

Everyday I get a day closer to making the wrong decisions again.

Every night I come face to face with this sense of worthlessness.

It's like I'm chasing my own tail. Over and over and over again.

Certainties disappear.

What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Never thought I'ld see Old Faithful go off again.

Sadly, this picture is even better than those I've taken with my 3.2 MegaPixel camera.

So anyway, Emily and I decided to meet up last night to have some sort of a career discussion. As always, that didn't work out. It eventually turned into an impromptu midnight picnic-by-the-beach, Dirty Dancing 2 and sleepover thing. I know sounds so romantic right? Too bad she's in a 5 year old relationship.

But only 5 mins into Dirty Dancing, we got irritated at how the music's always louder than the dialogue. So I suggested watching the movie with earphones. My laptop had two earphone sockets and we didn't know about hers so she said she'ld check it out before deciding if we should watch it on my computer instead. But even before she could reach for her computer, we got distracted by other conversational topics.

Halfway through though, in the middle of an absolutely random discussion, I jumped out of bed to grab my earphones and yelled out, " Hey Emily, so how many holes do you have? "

" Three. "

!@#$%^&$#

I think she misunderstood my question.

An American TALE.

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Had to stand in for mother for some godparent duty in church yesterday so I entered the chapel for the first time in YEARS. Took the opportunity to visit father's urn and when I saw it, guilt hit me almost instantly.

I remember when it first happened, I used to visit everyday. Then every week. Slowly, it morphed to every month and now, once in a few years. Are the dead forgotten so easily?

But dad hasn't been forgotten.

Standing in front of the urn, I kept thinking of how lonely dad might be, of how the place has changed, of how I haven't wiped the plate for a long time, of how mother would look like standing there praying, complaining, crying and asking for strength.

Guilt overload.

Anyways, it's really been a long time since I've been into church and I kept thinking back of the times we had to go for Catechism or Sunday classes. The church and especially those lessons were hardly a holy place for us lil' kids. Most of the time, I went to class only to see those hot St. Anthony chicks. Ha. That's where they hang out and parade.

So for that short 30 mins briefing yesterday, I couldn't help but take a peek around.

Looks like I haven't missed much all those years.

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?

Or are you going back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you,

Someone's gonna thank the stars above.

I've always had this childhood fantasy of running my own broadway. Be it to act, to direct, to conduct or to combine everything. And with the music, the lighting and the atmosphere, it would be the best show ever.

Just weeks ago, I was so fired up and convinced that I won't allow myself to be just another corporate slave. That I will find a job that I love and not a job that I need. That something big is waiting for me out there.

But it suddenly dawned on me today that I've been sending out resumes to places I've never even imagined myself in before. And this realization makes me feel like I've eroded my principles ( or what little of them I have ) in order to survive in this world.

It IS tough doing what you want to do. It is tough when the opportunities comes out at the wrong time and when hardly anyone around you seems to have that faith that it's gonna happen.

Yea sure, friends and sometimes, family will always be there to give that support. But how many truly believes that it is possible? I dare say 90% of the people who have heard my usual speech thinks that i'm living in an unrealistic realm.

And they are absolutely right.

We need money. We need fame. We need acknowledgements. That's business. " Money is not the most important thing in the world. But money can help you get many things. " That's what mother always says. And I see what she means.

Money hasn't been so important to me before. But it is now. I've reached the point in my life where I have to break out and be independent. And much as I hate to admit it, we need the cash to break free. At least enough to get us somewhere.

But living the dream ain't that easy. Sometimes I really do feel like giving up. And I think I might have slipped up a lil' here and there along the way.

But right at the point where I was about to give up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon an old CD of mine which had tons of oldies that dad used to listen to.

Maybe that's his lil' sign of encouragement. Right there.

Nothing is impossible.

Close to 30 resumes sent and yet.. only 1 interview was lined up.

Even the Zoo isn't responding.

This fresh graduate had better get employed soon or she'll no longer be fresh.

I like turning off all the lights in the room and blasting Matsuri on stereo.

The rustic asian tribal feel to it totally gets me going.

So the day started out pretty badly today.

I woke up with emotions i didn't wanna face and stumbled upon things I shouldn't see.

Somehow, I just wanted to like dig a hole somewhere and meditate, or wallow in self-pity or just look plain stupid. The dog in me must have been taking over then.

Whichever the case, I felt ( or feel ) extremely vexed and really needed to be alone. But even after spending a great deal of time at Estella, something was still weighing at the back of my mind and it was starting to irritate the hell outta me.

So by dinner time, I wasn't really interested in meeting Emily and KS at Ikea anymore but I was too lazy to call in and cancel on them. After all, it would be my virgin trip to Tampines's Ikea and I have been putting it off for a long time now. The frustrating part was, however, how I was, for less-than-5-times in my life, earlier than them. And as the minutes ticked by, my patience were running thinner and thinner and my temper was increasing bit by bit. What's more, I was really hungry and you know how a hungry man is an angry man. Makes me wonder how they could have spent so much time waiting for me in the past. Thank god I had my good ol' ipod with me and that helped soothe me ALOT.

But ultimately, I was glad I didn't cancel on today.

The Ikea trip was an ordinary trip.. nothing special but it was a pretty good breather for me. Lately, I've always felt like my body's on an auto-pilot mode so a change in environment, even if it was a temporary one like this, helped.

As we were strolling down the aisles, we stumbled upon this show room that was meant for a single occupant. The room wasn't big.. only 22 sq. metre but it was beautiful - An ideal size for a man and perhaps, it's dog or cat.

That's what Ikea does to you, doesn't it? It starts turning the wheels in your head and makes you want so much to own your own apartment quickly. I reckon that a room that size, or maybe even smaller would be perfect for me but.. money money money, always funny, in a rich man's world.

Anyways, the 3 of us have been spending farrr too much time together this week. I can safely say we haven't gone for more than 2 days without seeing each other. And it does come as a shock because Emily and I weren't exactly buddy-buddy material to begin with. Not that we are now either but I'm glad that things are the way they are. Not close enough to confide in them; but close enough to spend time together without having awkward moments.

There are many times in life where we look back and regret not cherishing those moments. I know i should start treasuring my time now before I find a job, look back and regret not enjoying my unemployed life. But still, somewhere in me, I know bigger things are waiting for me out there. And i'm totally wasting my time not pursuing them.

But then again, you gotta be rich to be crazy, right?

On a lighter note, Sharen and Evelyn ( Taiwanese girls i met at ynp ) sent me postcards from NYC and it arrived today. Totally made my day. :)

Sidenote: Old faithful closed for the season yesterday.

Oh why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

Friend or foe? How can you ever tell?

Have you ever given your trust completely to a person. Even though he or she has failed you time and time again. Only to see history repeat itself?

Have you ever given your all into something, only to be met with confusion and more questions?

Have you ever felt like your mind was operating in a fixated mode? Where other opinions were inpenetrable only to realize that everything was wrong to begin with?

Have you ever felt like a fool?

Conviction. That's a fool's journey.

I wonder if it's only the food that's giving my stomach this constant pain.

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

EXTREMEMLY sleep deprived.

Fuck this.
I want to go back to before I left Singapore.

Was talking to Julie today.

Julie's a Taiwanese girl I met over at Old Faithful. Apart from her very mature disposition, perhaps the coolest thing about Julie is that she's living the life I want.. and finding no problem with that.

I really admire Julie's determination and how she's in control of her life. She has a degree in Psychology; she's applying for grad school in America and guess what, she's into community service as well. All without the 100% support from her family. Once, I asked her how she was able to convince her parents to let her do it. And her response was, " This is my life and I know what I want. I will not let anyone stop me from achieving what I want because if I do, they will all become excuses for me to be lazy. "

Then she smiled.

I can still remember that look in her eyes.

Somehow, that look sparked up that fire again. And it reminded me of how much satisfaction I've gotten out of the Chiang Mai and Nanjing trip. Pudong wasn't a bad trip, except, I still feel like the whole 'power-struggle' thing and the responsibility of making sure everyone was safe and enjoying themselves etc eroded the whole meaning of that trip, at least for me. In a way, I failed in bringing out that, " make others happy and you will be happy " sentiment in the team.

So anyway, Julie wants to serve in Africa before she goes back to the states to study. And she has been going all out in finding the right organization. She has finally found it and she has asked me to join her - But it costs over 3000 USD to participate in that program. I wish I had that kind of money.

Come to think of it, she's probably the only person I know who feels the same way about undertaking a project like this. And you know the beauty of it all? It's how much more satisfying a trip like this would be when we are just mere participants.

Julie's like a reminder from somewhere up there, to stop finding excuses, and start materializing my words.

It's time to step out of my comfort zone once more.

Well, if you want to sing out,
sing out.
And if you want to be free,
be free.

I can only turn to you now.

Pissed and ready to kick ass.

I swear there are times where I feel like I am relay system here - only the relay system and nothing else. Neither capable of having my own stand nor capable of saying or doing anything except to get the blame.

Alvin recently got himself a motorcycle.. secretly.
Mother's been preaching to us since we were young on how she will never let her children ride a bike.
So i became the relay person.. each asking me to convince the other party.

Eventually, mother blamed it on me.. over and over again. She either insinuated that I encouraged him to buy it or directly told me how i haven't stopped him.

I hated that tone in her voice.

Truth is, I never knew he was taking lessons much less owning a bike until hours before the bike came. And fuck it, I was goddamn worried myself.

Then grandma and sui ku fought last night. She apparantly wants to disown him for not being there when the aircon man came to install a new unit. She was trembling so bad with anger last night. At one point, I was pretty sure she was at the brink of bursting into tears.

But mum ran away. She came back home, leaving me there alone to let grandma yell at.

And when I saw her, surprise surprise.. she blamed me for going to the gym and not being at home to help grandma.

I really hated that tone in her voice.

And guess what,
1) I never knew they bought an aircon.
2) Grandma was the one who nagged at me the whole morning to go to the gym because i was getting fat.


Seriously, I've never seen a more hypocritical group of people before.
I mean, maybe it's worst out there in the working world. But this is a family for crying out loud. A family who's too blinded by favourtism and their own egos.

Since that first and last fight i've had with mother after I came back, I've been taking the backseat when it comes to anything with this family. And I loved it. I love how I've found the perfect place to stay away from them all. And I don't even have to lie. I just have to do stuff to keep me healthy. It's a win-win situation!

And by taking the silent role, I hear almost every gossip about one another. And it's like.. in front of each another, they say one thing. Behind their backs, another. OMG. This is not a work place - this is a bloody family.

Except for favourtism, I can find no other reason why everyone's stepping on each other.

Even my mum!

Hell, I still don't understand why she makes such a big issue about me wanting to leave. I mean, she complains to random stranger on how she's still trying to convince me to stay... when i'm standing right there! I was referred to the third person when I was listening to it. How stupid did she take me?

But she told Alvin that she thinks it's better for her if I leave.
Alright.. then please stop pulling that pity card on me. And stop planning our future together.

I really don't get you, woman.

And Alex tells Alvin that the whole bike thing is cool. But tells mother that Alvin's always behaving so irresponsibly.

Sui ku tells us how Sui Kim's a crazy woman. But he always hides behind her when he's in trouble.. and she never once turned him down.

OMG. too much politics!

I want out. out out out.

Masquerade,
paper faces on parade.
Masquerade,
Hide your face so the world will never find you.

Softly, deftly music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it secretly poseess you.
Open up you mind let your fantasies unwind -
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.

The darkness of the music of the night.

Never felt like I have to be an older sibling till now.

I hate myself for mocking Ris Low but you just have to join in the fun when National TV starts doing shit like this.

My Way.

Yes there were times - I'm sure you knew.
When I bit off, more than I could chew.
but through it all, when there was doubt.
I ate it up - and spit it out!
Let the record show - I took the blow.

and did it MY WAY.

I remember the night at Bozeman's Inn.

Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".

The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.

Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.

There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.

Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.

One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.

Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.

But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!

The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.

This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.

Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?


So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?

Because..

I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.

I don't like this feeling.

Started a new book recently and it has words like Ibuprofen, Advil, Grateful Dead and Granola. Words whose meaning I would never understand before America - or before meeting Mara, Kelsey, Orval and again, Orval respectively.

Makes me wonder how I was able to speed past those words in the past.

Anyways, I've been having weird pangs of emotions tonight. Amongst them all, the more frequent ones were guilt, stupidity and in-filialty. Suddenly feel like a useless prick who has spent the past 22 years doing absolutely nothing meaningful at all. I'm really too protected here. Can't even break free without having to have to fight between what I want and what my conscience says.

Expectations overload.

I'm pretty sure this is due to the upcoming interview though. It's the exact same fear I have before every major paper. And the thing is I don't understand why i should feel that way.

There were pressure from exams because I can't afford to repeat any modules but this - I mean, there's no immediate threat to anything if i screw this up. Yet, I can't screw it.

Always have problems dealing with stress like this.

Wish I could be as brave as Mara.

If you can't catch a wave,
then you're never gonna ride it.

Just so you know,
I haven't forgotten about today.

Went on a lunch date with grandma today.
She's definitely much older and weaker than I last remembered. Her steps grew slower and slower as the walk to the bus stop proceeded and her grip and my shoulder were like a mixture - hard because she needs the support; weak because she didn't have the strength to hold it for too long.

This short lunch with grandma made me feel like a complete asshole.
It made me wonder if opening my eyes meant becoming more selfish.

Throughout that short walk, I had to constantly remind and force myself to slow down to match her pace. In the past, it just happened naturally. Serving her was a natural instinct, a natural responsibility. Now, however, I have to be reminded. And that's not good.

Before i left for the states, i used to come home and stomp over to her place to greet her - no matter how much i dreaded it. but now, i can't even be bothered to smile at her. i used to spend a long time at her place after meals to talk to her, to give her her pills or to at least hear her complain a bit. but all i do now is spend 10 minutes eating the food and quickly washing the dishes before i leave.

and i put no effort in hiding how eager i am to leave.

All i do now is return to my room and keep myself occupied with rearranging and packing the place up. i'm pretty sure a large part to why i'm putting so much effort in revamping the room is because i cant be bothered to face anyone in this home.

Why can't I just be more patient with everyone? i obviously realize how lonely she is. yet, a huge part of me don want to.

Everytime i feel guilty, a voice in me would remind me of how everyone will make use of this weakness to send me on guilt trips. EVERYONE seems to know it. can't they see she's lonely? why must i be the one to bend? coz i'm a girl?

these are exactly what i hear everytime i hesistate in walking away.

sadly, i really love spending time on my own. sometimes, i really want to do more, to care more. but the thought of how instead of appreciating the effort, people either use it to benefit themselves or think i have an ulterior motive or simply doubt me makes me boiling mad and confused all over again.

grandma won't appreciate them. she will ask for more. mum will say she appreiciates them.. but that's after i storm off.. AFTER she criticizes almost everything i've done. and the sad part is most of these criticisms are on petty things like the direction of the hanger. -_-' Alex just thinks he's the boss. Alvin's the best because he does nothing but plays his playstation. but i like him because at least he does his part and he shows his appreciation.

you see, such things are reciprocal. or at least to me they are.

i know it's tough on mother as well. afterall, she's treated like a slave by both her mum and her children. and i do want to help her. but why should i? my brothers are locking themselves in their room after meal. as for me, i still have to face her every bloody night. and it's human nature that she'ld wanna make use of me to earn some freedom for herself. but i know them - this will grow to be habit to both the old ladies. on top of that, i get blamed for EVERYTHING.

can u believe my uncle is still passing snide remarks everytime i walk pass him? " why do u wanna be a social worker? "; " you wanna be a social worker right? make my son/daughter study "; " spend more time with ah ma la. social worker mah ". i don think he means it really badly..but it sucks when no one in your family supports you. when will this stigma end?

it's really stiffling here.

but at the same time,
i cannot help but realize how selfish i am.

What do you do when you want to fulfil two inversely correlated responsibilities?

I really should start counting my blessings. Imagine a kid without parents. I'm already very lucky.

goodnight world.

It'll be fine,
nothing to fear.
She will be happy as she was here.
Things have worked out much better than planned.
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand.
And I know I'll forget,
how much she meant to me.
and how she was almost my baby,
maybe.

Have you ever had a moment when you've known - i mean, logically known in your head -that you're a fantastically lucky person, that you're truly fortunate to have an education, to live in a nice place in a great city, to have friends who care about you and all that, but you just can't get yourself to actually feel it?

There is so much we can learn from the Taiwanese.

Hate being such a loser.

Because you're hoping you're wrong.
and everytime she does something that tells you she's no good,
you ignore it.
and everytime she comes through and surprises you,
she wins you over.
and you lost that argument with yourself that she's not for you.

A typical conversation with mother goes like this:

" Tomorrow you're not going out? Ok, good. So wake up at 8 am, 9 am send your brother to work, then we bring ah ma out for breakfast. After that, I go and work in the afternoon but i think i can get out at 3 or 4 pm. After that we go shopping for your work clothes. But don't tell your ah ma. We secretly go out. "

*GAG*

Firstly, I'm not interested in sending my brother to work or going for breakfast with grandma.

Secondly, I'm not interested in shopping for work clothes because not only have i not found a job, we also usually end up running your errands and you know how much i hate trying on new clothes unless absolutely necessary.

Thirdly, why do i feel like we're going out on a tryst?

but..

How do you say things like this without hurting your mum?

I'ld much rather we remain in that distant manner than having you try to break the ice by following me WHEREVER I GO. I hate the fact that you're starting to open up.. and you just assume i wanna listen to you or i wanna spend my whole day with you.

Even if i wanted to do that, I wouldn't anymore. Because that's how you slowly eat into sending me on guilt trips. Something like what you're beginning to do right now. And after that, the family will do it too. SHIT. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to follow your footsteps anymore. I need to break free.

I don't wanna spend the whole day in the room with you, i don't want to watch all those movies with you. I mean, abit's alright but once you know i'm not going out and you have the day off, you start making plans. OMG! and you don't even ask. You just decide. Just like that.

I'm not your subordinate. I want to be left alone.. stop invading into my circle of control. Sigh, but how can I tell you that? You can't even take the hint of my shifting out on my own. Either that, or you totally just ignore that fact.

It's not I don't care about you. I am grateful to you but you are smothering me, mother.

Totally hate how those guilty pangs are inching in.

My Id and Superego so must stop this war right now. Because i can feel myself caving into the pressure very soon.

When do you know it's all worth it?

Been thinking of Celia pretty much today. I think it's the cold, stormy weather.. reminds me of that night she stayed up in my room. The same kind of weather - only with the warmth of a friend. It was tiring, no doubt. but it was fun. Simply because we were so tired, we were talking without thinking. Just shooting everything out of our mouths randomly. And before that, we spent like 3 hours talking in toilet. Haha.. I can still see the faces of Evelyn, Sigrid and Julie when they walked in time after time only to see us sitting on the table top in the EXACT SAME POSITION. Would do anything to see those expressions again.

It was very nice of her to just do stupid things with the colour papers while i struggled with my awesome artistic skills. And i mean really struggle. It's like everytime i tried to show off something I invented, she'll find a fault with it. " HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH EDGES LIKE THAT?! " " OMG! LOOK AT THIS! CAN I CUT IT FOR YOU? MY GOD! YOU CALL THIS A GIFT?! "

What an asshole.

I guess she could tell i'm not really talented that way, that's why she decided to give me some kind of motivation.

Anyway, the fun part was also how we stopped each other from falling asleep. You see, I was WAY behind schedule and we had a friend who was leaving the next morning so by 5 am, we knew we shouldn't be zzzing or we'ld definitely not wake up in time. But when the clock striked 600am and those coyotes started howling or making that strange noise they make, our eyes took a life on their own. Or rather, they decided that enough was enough. We soon found ourselves fast asleep - gentleman me head on the bed, body on the floor while she curled up on the floor, right beside the computer. I think we dozed off for about 15 minutes before we both decided it was too cold and both jumped onto the bed with the alarm set to go off in half an hour.

Who were we kidding? Of course we couldn't get up in half an hour! We didn't even hear the alarm go off. Thank god Kelsey's memory didn't fail her that day. She banged on the door right before she went for breakfast and despite being disoriented, we made it in time to say goodbye.

Good times, good times.

Really miss that kid.

You know how lotsa people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? All of a sudden, I feel like MY life is flashing right before my eyes. No, i'm not dying. It's just happening.

I could be all confused and unhappy one minute, nostalgic the next and then behaving all calmly thereafter. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm at the point where once again, I can't find the right words or form the right sentences. There is SO MUCH i would like to say.. so much that's screaming to come out but nothing is flowing. I must've written at least 5 different entries for each mood, only to delete them by the time I reach the end because I feel differently by then. Shit.

There's no peace within right now. No music that makes sense, no sound that isn't noise. And I can't seem to point out what is wrong. The world seems to be moving faster than I've ever seen and yet, it's slow at the same time. Kinda like a split world - like i'm living in a twilight zone.

What am i thinking about? Why do i feel so vexed? The world suddenly seems so big again. And i see myself as that puny little forlorn child crouched down at one corner of this gigantic universe while the world zooms by. Literally. I want the peace within. I want to find that peace.. but how am i supposed to solve a problem without first realizing what it is?

So i left today. Found a place where i could disappear for at least half an hour and i just sat there. Sat.. and sat... and sat..

and,

Still no peace.

I tried to break it all down, tried to think of many reasons why i could be feeling like that. And i realized there are just too many. It's not the big problems that are the frustrating ones.. it's the too small to rectify it but too big to ignore it kind that kills me.

I'm afraid of reverting back to the past. Afraid of being too dependent on everyone or too gutless to make decisions without overthinking it, without disecting every single corner just to BE SURE that that's the right decision. But how can i ever be sure? No one's ever sure.

As it is, I can already see it happening; I can feel it coming back. My friends know me too well..

When I first touched down, pl came to visit and help me readjust. Xie and Ks followed thereafter, trying to keep me occupied. Then pl's there again for more.. advices. Jasmine's been helping me find jobs, find ways to to cure the itch, helping me find a direction. Kl's been complaining about how I've neglected her for 2 years but still knows where i'm heading to right now, Karolina, Agata and Celia's been uber worried about me since I came back, mari's been rationalizing for me.. and the list goes on!

It's like the world's spoonfeeding me again. Even without me meeting them, they are still there for me. And what do i do? I disappear from their lives as and when I like. Yet every single time, these people come back.

I can no longer hide this guilt i'm feeling. This sense of worthlessness. It's uh.. hard to explain how this works.

I love, appreciate and need all my friends. But because of how much they've done for me, I feel like I have a responsibility for everyone, even though this 'responsibility' or 'expectation' they have on me may not exist. Sometimes i feel like i have to match up to everyone's social norms eg, to find a high paying job or to join the corporate world in order to be useful.

Maybe that's why i want to walk away. Because I owe everyone far too much. Sometimes, spending too much time in your comfort zone makes it a lil' 'uncomfortable'.

I want some alone time - without any hidden agenda or without the need to escape. I need alone times like those in ynp where i do it just to make sense of the day, to tie up some lose ends, to have a 'reflection time' at the end of the day and to appreciate everything around me. Somehow, things are not slow enough here to do that. Things are not green and big enough for me to just stare up, take in the air and smile. Most importantly, i need my alone time with dad, and god. I know i'm starting to sound all holy and stuff.. but i'm really not at all honk-if-you-love-jesus kind. ( not yet anyway. ;) ) It's just.. i could feel something when i was at ynp. But there's nothing now. Zilch.

I miss those times.


And i couldn't stop thinking of all the weirdest and most random times in YNP today. Mostly it was of all the walks past mara's place, past the pub, past the snow lodge. And the walks back from the pub by the ranger station. Somehow, these places suddenly seem so warm. But sometimes i do wonder if it's warm because of the place or because of the people. I guess putting both together makes it that much perfect.

A house is too big. But having a room for yourself, admist a communal environment with the right people, and in the wild.. that's living. You get your own space, AND you get to interact. You have to be independent, you have to be bold, you get to live life as it is.

Don't make room for regrets.

Really wish there was something I could do..

So i've been all absorbed by the guitar again lately.
Seems like that's my other vice whenever i'm procrastinating.

But at 10pm today, (ie 8am Yellowstone time),
I couldn't play a proper tune at all.
Everything was jumbled, too fast or had no feel to it.

You see, today's the day most of them leave Yellowstone.
And apart from having my thoughts distracted by those leaving - and how everyone's going their separate ways,
I can't help but think of those staying behind as well.

Can you just imagine the anguish?

Wish there was something that can be done.

Goodbyes are just so freakin' hard. Dammit!

Also, I've started scouting for jobs. Found a couple of interesting ones.. but everytime I jot them down, the voices of my family just keeps ringing in my head. Met up with one of my malaysian uncle lately.. and he followed us in collecting my cert. When he asked what my plan was and he heard the term 'social work', he just kept quiet. And after a couple of hours when he learned that the degree is in marketing, he preached NON-STOP about how I should go into business first and only concentrate in social work when i'm near retirement.

Sometimes i wonder if it's just my perception or if it's because of their age. But the old people ALWAYS relates social work to serving the older people in the society. What about the mentally challenged or the problem kids? What about third world countries that requires our energy and youth? Don't they need us? Or is this just a part of my fantasized world?

I'm so confused.

What is my calling?

Sometimes it feels like out of no where, I've been dumped in the middle of the desert where no proper roads could be made out. I can walk either direction I deem fit and wherever I turn, a beautiful town seem to be there. But could all this be just some kind of a mirage? What if a wrong decision is made? Would it be too late to turn back? Will I be heading for something that never existed? Or did i choose the right route? Will i know WHEN to turn back?

Is this really a useless lifestyle? Should i go down the route everyone is taking or should I make my own route?

Oh boy, all these questions. Who can ever answer them?

And there this whole issue of leaving the country. Indeed, I may have to work a couple of years first. But I'm afraid of how I might forget about how strong this desire is when the time comes.

I hate changes. When I get accustomed to this life, would I want to risk it all to try a life outside this 'comfort zone' ?

See, more questions.

I see the look in everyone when I express my thought of leaving. Friends and family just keep silent. Dead silent. But i can't make out what this silence means. Is it a doubtful silence or a why-must-you-leave silence? Juan thinks I will leave eventually.

Well, truth is if I still feel this way in 6 months, I most likely will. And I am preserving this 'feeling' by distaning myself from ALOT of people. So i do owe an apology to many of my friends and some of my family members.

I am in a very very confused state of mind right now. Please bear with me.


The day the door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
But I'm not sure anymore,
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge -
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'!

I know they've got a plan,
But the ball's in my hands!
This time is man-to-man!
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of,
(A world that's upside down)
It's spinning faster!

What do I do now,
Without you?

I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose, so confused -
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

Karolina, Agata and 99.9999% of the Taiwanese girls leaves tomorrow morning.

Even in Singapore, it doesn't feel good. Don't know why. So imagine what Kelsey, Matej, Julie, Jana Melody and Sarah must be feeling..

So this morning, I got up and in loving memory of them...

....
..
.
.
.
.

I ate THREE peanut butter and jelly!

heh heh. there goes my non-existant diet plan.

Go away, weird feeling.



It was my blessing to cross path with you guys. Thanks for being such pals.

I can't believe this moment's come,
it's so incredible that we're alone.
There's so much to be said and done,
it's impossible not to be overcome.

Will you forgive me if I feel this way?
Coz we've just met - tell me that's OK.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I can't explain the things that I'm feeling.
No, I won't let go..

Now would you mind if I bared my soul?
If I came right out and said,
you're beautiful.
Coz there's something here I can't explain.
I feel I'm diving into driving rain.
You get my senses running wild,
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I like the wild.

I like taking those walks alone.
The kicking of sand in the air.
and the sitting by the backyard of that stupid, over-sensitive old lady, with a beer in one hand, fags in another and one more bottle in my pouch coupled with those earphones blasting in my ear.

I like talking to that faceless soul beside me; throwing pebbles down that 'cliff' while i look over the softball field.

I like the long walk by the road from the trailer park, past the pub and back to the dorm.
I like stopping by the pub for maybe one more drink before heading back and plonging myself onto the picnic bench - sometimes alone, sometimes with friends.
Maybe then, i'll have another drink and another fag. and another, and another. haha.

I like visiting that smelly horse/mule that sniffs up the wrong areas.
Thereafter, walking down to the softball field just to see the carved names and reminisce on the good times.
Before long, that faceless soul would come again. Sometimes we don't even talk, we just sit.
It's quite nice, you know, to just sit and reflect. To have a companion that listens to you even when you're not speaking.

I like(d) hiking.

I like taking the longest time ever scaling the not-that-high-up observation point. And when i'm up there, it was nice to sit by the wooden barricade and stare out hard below. Sometimes, I would climb up that offtrail slope, which has probably been explored by a million other people before me. It goes higher than the 'peak' of the trail but the view wasn't much of a difference. What was fun,though, was the falling off it after that because my shoes just wouldn't stay at one spot. You know the adrenaline of tumbling down with only the edge in sight but halting right at the very last minute, just one step before the end. Haha.. puts a smile to my face.. and of course, a skipped beat to my heart.

I like how I had the chance to do stupid things like that.
To watch the stars, to get pissing drunk with the best drinking buddies, to throw popcorns at one another, to talk kok, to sing stupid hokkien songs out loud, to be obsessed with phantom of the opera, to have my own bathing cubicle, to have my own room, to mess up my room.

Even though lotsa people think it's childish and unrealistic, i really liked that. It was the one place where 90% of what i say, what i did and where i went, was controlled by the heart, not by the head. Where my feet decides the next step forward, and not me. Where ever step taken is a surprise.

Very nice.

I like the wild,
I wanna be the wild.

So i know i should move on and stop missing yellowstone and all it's glory.
But i don't want to.
Who then should i listen to this time?
My heart,
or my head?

Whichever the case, I guess refining my resume would be a good start.

START BEING A MOTHER!
START BEING FAIR!
START BEING MY FAMILY!

Listen, not judge.

Searched the newspaper and the internet for jobs today..

nothing interests me.


shit.

Life always boils down to chosing between these:

Protect yourself by hurting others;
or, protect others by protecting yourself less.

Why do people always not appreciate the 'right' choice?
Or is is only right to be wrong?

Maybe only the selfish can succeed.

o v e r.

Its been nearly a week since i left Yellowstone.. and still, i'm not feeling any much different from when i first left.

I miss everyone so much. Sometimes, no, most of the time, i forget that we've only known each other for about 3 months. maybe even less.

Apart from that, i also yearn the freedom that comes with being alone; being away from everyone back here. Being independent ( ok, not exactly independent but as least i feel that bit more than when i'm home. )

'Expectations' are starting to flood back. It's as if a dam was placed in between me and the society and everyone back in singapore when I was in America, Yellowstone in particular. Now that i'm back, the dam is opened and EVERYTHING, literally everything is gushing over, drowning me in the process. What makes things worse is the fact that this is not the end of it. I don't think it's even nearly at the halfway mark. I'm pretty sure everyone's just waiting for me to return back to normal, to get over this mourning period before they throw more rocks my way.


Why? Why does everyone here think i'm so useless yet expect so much outta me? Or is it because i really am useless, hence i feel like people's expectations of me are so overwhelming? I feel so condemned. And the funny part is I don't even know for what. For not taking any actions to proceed with the next phase of my life? But why can't anyone see that the only reason why i'm holding back, is because i don't wanna be just another pawn in this life?

I want to do what i want. Alright, i may not know exactly what i want now.. but could this be why i'm not certain? Because everytime i have an idea, doubt is planted in me. But can anyone ever be sure of wherever they're going? I know for a fact that i don't wanna stay here.. not now anyway. I need to spread my wings; i need to open my eyes and grow up. Can't you just respect that?

Yes, maybe i enjoyed living abroad so much because it was just a short term thing; yes, maybe i'm gonna lose all contact with them before i know it; yes, maybe if i do stay longer abroad, i would realize that i actually like singapore way better. But so what? You don't know them; you don't know the place; you don't know my dreams. nope, you don't UNDERSTAND my dreams. Besides, what matters is the 'believe'.

If i make a mistake, i will just have to learn how to pick myself up after, won't i? It won't be easy, i know. But it ain't easy now either.

You guys just wanna tie me down, to take the safer route. For some of you, it somehow feels like it's merely because u don't have a chance to do something like that, so you want me to lead that same mundane life. Why not right? It only seems fair.

I know some might be genuinely concerned but sometimes, the existence of 'hope' in itself, can bring people to places they've never dream they could be. By taking that away, by giving a reality check ( that may not exactly happen ), one will always wonder how life would be if the other route is taken.

Let me make that mistake, if it is one. There's not a life where mistakes wont be made. What matters is what happens thereafter. If you really do care, then walk with me and be there for me if it is a mistake. That's what i would do, or at least i think i would do, if i have a friend or family who's in the same dilema.

Fuck.
What am i saying?