so sing along to  my stereo!

   OJT!!

i never understood when people say things like for god so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son.

this history thing is... not in my blood.

i like, instead, to remember the many small blessings we've received to this day. and the many more which have been conveniently swept under the rug.

at the very least, i haven't crashed any planes yet. hee. CHOY.

merry christmas folks!
and a happy birthday to you Jesus.

Thanks for making everything happen for a reason.

one dosage of drowsy meds, unending sleep.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I'm a little late this year - not exactly a good example to start the year with..
but wise men says it's better late than never!

Twenty-eleven came and left in a flash. Everyone grew, many things happened, many lessons learned, many smiles captured, many memories etched.

I got bored with the usual pen-my-thoughts reflection so here's a lil something something I've put together. My 2011 - my memories, my good times, my skills, your faces. haha.

For Auld Lang Syne, people!

Given that it's 2012 - and some other wise men says that the world will end this year,
May we all start living like there's no tomorrow.

Here's to a gungho New Year..
Have a rocking one!

Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Merry Christmas everyone!

Haven't blogged for a long time.. Not sure if I still have it in me.

I don't know why I've stopped writing really. I just went on from being busy to being speechless and then I lost all inspiration to write. Laziness comes with age you know. I did try a couple of times earlier on more eventful days to jot down thoughts, emotions or to self motivate myself for tests and stuff, but the words just didn't flow. So I've archived them and let them be. But it's Christmas! And like what all great movies say, if you can't say it at Christmas, then when can you eh?

Anyway I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was a tad different this year:

My boxing day.... was laddened with CRAMPS! The most torturous form of physical pain. But other than that, this christmas has been great -- not va va voom great, but praise be to god, great.

Each week without fail, Jessica (ex-colleague) would remind me to stream Glee whenever it's released just because i've got so many tests and panic button dates sometimes that i forget it's Thursday... or is it Wednesday, or Tuesday? So last week, I thought I'd surprise her a little and catch it before she does and be the one reminding her instead! Turned out it was the best week to do it. The episode was on Christmas.. which means great music! Remember years ago when i blogged about band aid's " do they know it's christmas?" It was the IT song that episode. But what made this the icing of the cake, was how just days before that when i was rushing the OCIP slides, I shortlisted the very same song for the background music too. Needless to say, I was so engrossed in that episode and in the coincidence of hearing one of my favourite christmas songs, I forgot to remind her AND... she beat me to it again. Haha. Gotta do something about this short term memory.

Alvin and I also decided to go for midnight Christmas mass this year. Not sure why the sudden epiphany but in the midst of his chocolate giving frenzy, we all decided in a split second to go with the mother for a little birthday celebration.

I haven't formally attended mass since Hilda happened and it was exactly at christmas when I last went in to give thanks so formally. I remember part of the reason why I stopped going to church and hated (but in fact secretly loved!) going to midnight Christmas masses before was coz of alllllllll the SACians dressing up to the nines. While I enjoyed daydreaming through the sermons about a fire breaking out or experiencing a terrorist invasion in church and me rescuing the hottest girl there (AKA Audrey), I also remember always feeling like we were out of place what with me in my favourite haiwaiaan shirt - one colour for each week! - and Alvin in his Ocean Pacific shirt and oversized jeans.

So this year, we went prepared! We put on our best available shirts, jeans and shoes, combed our hair, sprayed on just the right amount of cologne and proudly strode into church. but ALAS, we still felt out of place.

No more youngsters, no more hot SACians. Nope, mostly Filipinos and family groups. I wasn't bothered by that though... abit diaooo but not bothered. Until i walked further in and found some of them in hot shorts! Wasn't there some rule about not wearing shorts and slippers to church? Of course there were people who dressed up as well.. but somehow, christmas mass didn't seem as hyped up as it was previously.

Oh well. fashion statements change all the time. Guess Alvin and I were way ahead of our time. Heh.

Cold jokes aside though, this christmas mass wasn't only special because of the lack of well dressed babes but also because we haven't spent christmas mass (or ANY mass for that matter) with mum ever since we had our own wings... and this was the first time we've met sui kim in 2 months! It was sad that we had to do without any family dinner this year because of all the dramas that unfolded recently but i'm glad we managed to work a way through it despite. The next few days were spent secretly sneaking out of the house for mini night cycling and badminton trips without the empress dowager. It felt almost as if Sui Kim and Niao Niao didn't shift out... except for the nagging sense of guilt for leaving grandma alone at home.

So like I said, Christmas was abit different this year. All of a sudden, our priorities switched to home. I mean.. not that we're that mushy, but if felt like an unspoken commandment this christmas not to leave the home empty and since everyone apparently liked making assumptions, alvin turned down his appts to stay home, alex turned down his appts to stay home and i turned down my appts to stay home. haha. not that i'm complaining though. it's nice to be like that once in a while.

Anyway I'm outta here. Long day tml. Plus I'm really in need of zzz after fighting with niao niao for a space on my bed the last couple of nights. (SHE STOMPS ON ME WHEN SHE SLEEPS AND SHE STEALS MY BLANKET AND SHE TAKES UP THE ENTIRE BED!)

Till next time folks,

and a blessed christmas everyone!

and yet those months have given me

many treasured moments found
memories i would for a long time keep
Till I'm six feet underground.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by.
Night steals in, pacing the floor.
The moments creep
Yet I can’t bear to sleep
Till I hear you sing..

And weeks pass, and months pass
Seasons fly.
Still you don’t walk through my door
And in a haze
I count the silent days
Till I hear you sing once more.

And sometimes in darkness
I dream that you are there
But wake holding nothing but the cold night air.

And years come, and years go,
Time runs dry.
Still I ache deep in my core
My broken soul
Can’t be alive or whole
Till I hear you sing once more

And music, your music!
It teases at my ear,
I turn and it fades away and you’re not here!

Let hopes pass, let dreams pass
Let them die!
Without you what are they for?
I’ll always feel
No more than halfway real
Till I hear you sing....

once more.

kan cheongness + chilli + early morning = major bomb = more kan cheongness.

it's worth it, I won't give up!

After fumbling for several weeks,
the ShaVon mix
is now complete!

have you ever felt like rage has taken over you and you've lost all control of rationality?
have you ever made so much mistakes, you choose to continue living in one just so you don't have to face the consequences of your actions?
do you believe in the existence of evil spirits?

why does nothing make sense anymore?

so many things have happened recently.. so many people going through pain.
i don't know where to begin.

the maid leaving, sui kim shifting out with janelle, ah ma going crazy/dementia-tive/manipulative/self-pitish/real-pitish, alex threatening to slit mum's throat/ sui ku only blaming, never solving.

with all the juice going on at home, who needs 爱 right?

if you stood beside me and saw the look on grandma's face when she was yelling... if you looked in her eyes that night - that power hungry demon yelling to come out, if you saw how violently sui kim reacted during the fight (i'm on her side btw), if you read alex's messages yesterday, you would know what i mean.

and even without live broadcasts like that, i'm pretty sure deep down, many of you already understand what i'm trying to say. Why did I lose my cool that day? Did i really say that? I will kill you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! We've all had similar days. If you disagree, welcome to ah ma's club.

Question is.. are these the result of our poor anger management as explained by science. Or are these evil spirits messing with our minds as explained by religion (mum. haha.) ?

I think it's a little of both. Because of our poor control of rage, we lose control of our thoughts. And because our spirit is weak, violent thoughts come to mind. I mean, if someone were to piss us off, why don't we think of 'bless you bless you bless you because the bible says we should bless those who curse you!' instead ?

ok maybe something not so loser-like.. but you get the gist!

sure, media plays an big role. but doesn't the weak spirit thing make sense too? do you remember that friend/classmate/acquaintance/relative who never utters a word of violence when they are mad? they exist!

Not just pointing fingers here. I'm a 过来人! or maybe still a 过ing 人. i've wanted to kill my brothers/mother too. I was maybe primary 6? fat, dirty and sitting by the stool at the gate staring them down while they were happily yakking and laughing away.

something like that but less cute and with teeth!

and very softly, i repeated these words like a chant over and over again:

I will kill you. I will kill all of you. I will kill you. I promise one day I will kill you.

I kept repeating that because they were laughing at me. They put me down together to look good and they hurt my pride and mother laughs along with them because she loves them. She doesn't care that they are looking good at MY expense! She just wants to make them laugh because that makes her happy.

except, i can't remember what they were really laughing about. All i knew was that they were laughing at me and I wanted to kill them.

evil spirit? you tell me.

a couple of weeks ago, mum made me so angry with her favoritism, why didn't you just die popped into my head. i didn't mean it.

That's why alex's outburst sent me thinking. How can we both be having thoughts of the similar genre in such a short period?

In psychological terms, the ID was speaking. But isn't the ID, Ego and Superego also represented by the angel and demon resting on our shoulders? How different can science and faith be when it comes to desires and socially acceptable behaviors? Do we explain self-control with brain synapses or prayers?

But I could understand Alex's rage yesterday. I understood how he couldn't at that moment control himself. I could imagine the anger and the frustration boiling. but i also wished he could see how he was snapping over the wrong thing in the wrong way. And i was too ashamed to judge.

Wasn't I, too, facing the same problem just a couple of weeks back? who's to say it's no longer there?

As you all know, Alex and I never had a good relationship growing up. Mother's illness forced us to communicate a little bit more these days but still not (and never will be) in the I-will-share-with-you-my-problems way so why did yesterday happen? Strange as it was, it helped me see things from the other point of view. and i've got a secret to share! i know better than alex what he is really frustrated about. But like grandmother like brother like sister, we're all taking it out on the wrong things/person. Escapists, aren't we all? hehehe.

poor mother. always within the shooting range.

but while you'd think that the recent spate of drama would've thrown us all off the roof, i'm actually surprised that the rest of us are reacting by spending more time laughing and doing stupid things like hunting wild boars in the middle of the night or watching lame shows like sharktopus together . When ah ma acts pitiful, we laugh. When grandma twists the story, we laugh. When she tries using different people to be her pawn, we laugh. And it's really funny - not in the disrespectful way. Did you watch money no enough 2? it's the same kinda funny. Sad funny.

There's nothing we can do except laugh it off and try to take things with a pinch of salt. Grandma has changed alot since Australia. She asks the same question in the same conversation and either forgets information or twists the things she remembers. Everything we do is wrong. Nothing we give is enough. and we are all not prepared for this.

It seems like the only time we feel something close to bitter sadness is during the short period of time a day when she is lucid enough to realize that she has exhausted all her cards and that they aren't coming back. She looks so pitiful it hurts. But as soon as we give in and start giving her what she wants, she forgets the reality of it and her demands gets absurd again.

is contentment really so hard to achieve?

why is it i no longer understand these things?

2 days ago, the maid hid in my toilet shaking because she was afraid she would harm grandma.

Yesterday, that maid walked out.

Today, 2 family members packed up and left.

My grandmother. The epitome of insanity.

many many first times today.

food poisoning. Weak. Painful. Cold.