The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by.
Night steals in, pacing the floor.
The moments creep
Yet I can’t bear to sleep
Till I hear you sing..

And weeks pass, and months pass
Seasons fly.
Still you don’t walk through my door
And in a haze
I count the silent days
Till I hear you sing once more.

And sometimes in darkness
I dream that you are there
But wake holding nothing but the cold night air.

And years come, and years go,
Time runs dry.
Still I ache deep in my core
My broken soul
Can’t be alive or whole
Till I hear you sing once more

And music, your music!
It teases at my ear,
I turn and it fades away and you’re not here!

Let hopes pass, let dreams pass
Let them die!
Without you what are they for?
I’ll always feel
No more than halfway real
Till I hear you sing....

once more.

kan cheongness + chilli + early morning = major bomb = more kan cheongness.

it's worth it, I won't give up!

After fumbling for several weeks,
the ShaVon mix
is now complete!

have you ever felt like rage has taken over you and you've lost all control of rationality?
have you ever made so much mistakes, you choose to continue living in one just so you don't have to face the consequences of your actions?
do you believe in the existence of evil spirits?

why does nothing make sense anymore?

so many things have happened recently.. so many people going through pain.
i don't know where to begin.

the maid leaving, sui kim shifting out with janelle, ah ma going crazy/dementia-tive/manipulative/self-pitish/real-pitish, alex threatening to slit mum's throat/ sui ku only blaming, never solving.

with all the juice going on at home, who needs 爱 right?

if you stood beside me and saw the look on grandma's face when she was yelling... if you looked in her eyes that night - that power hungry demon yelling to come out, if you saw how violently sui kim reacted during the fight (i'm on her side btw), if you read alex's messages yesterday, you would know what i mean.

and even without live broadcasts like that, i'm pretty sure deep down, many of you already understand what i'm trying to say. Why did I lose my cool that day? Did i really say that? I will kill you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! We've all had similar days. If you disagree, welcome to ah ma's club.

Question is.. are these the result of our poor anger management as explained by science. Or are these evil spirits messing with our minds as explained by religion (mum. haha.) ?

I think it's a little of both. Because of our poor control of rage, we lose control of our thoughts. And because our spirit is weak, violent thoughts come to mind. I mean, if someone were to piss us off, why don't we think of 'bless you bless you bless you because the bible says we should bless those who curse you!' instead ?

ok maybe something not so loser-like.. but you get the gist!

sure, media plays an big role. but doesn't the weak spirit thing make sense too? do you remember that friend/classmate/acquaintance/relative who never utters a word of violence when they are mad? they exist!

Not just pointing fingers here. I'm a 过来人! or maybe still a 过ing 人. i've wanted to kill my brothers/mother too. I was maybe primary 6? fat, dirty and sitting by the stool at the gate staring them down while they were happily yakking and laughing away.

something like that but less cute and with teeth!

and very softly, i repeated these words like a chant over and over again:

I will kill you. I will kill all of you. I will kill you. I promise one day I will kill you.

I kept repeating that because they were laughing at me. They put me down together to look good and they hurt my pride and mother laughs along with them because she loves them. She doesn't care that they are looking good at MY expense! She just wants to make them laugh because that makes her happy.

except, i can't remember what they were really laughing about. All i knew was that they were laughing at me and I wanted to kill them.

evil spirit? you tell me.

a couple of weeks ago, mum made me so angry with her favoritism, why didn't you just die popped into my head. i didn't mean it.

That's why alex's outburst sent me thinking. How can we both be having thoughts of the similar genre in such a short period?

In psychological terms, the ID was speaking. But isn't the ID, Ego and Superego also represented by the angel and demon resting on our shoulders? How different can science and faith be when it comes to desires and socially acceptable behaviors? Do we explain self-control with brain synapses or prayers?

But I could understand Alex's rage yesterday. I understood how he couldn't at that moment control himself. I could imagine the anger and the frustration boiling. but i also wished he could see how he was snapping over the wrong thing in the wrong way. And i was too ashamed to judge.

Wasn't I, too, facing the same problem just a couple of weeks back? who's to say it's no longer there?

As you all know, Alex and I never had a good relationship growing up. Mother's illness forced us to communicate a little bit more these days but still not (and never will be) in the I-will-share-with-you-my-problems way so why did yesterday happen? Strange as it was, it helped me see things from the other point of view. and i've got a secret to share! i know better than alex what he is really frustrated about. But like grandmother like brother like sister, we're all taking it out on the wrong things/person. Escapists, aren't we all? hehehe.

poor mother. always within the shooting range.

but while you'd think that the recent spate of drama would've thrown us all off the roof, i'm actually surprised that the rest of us are reacting by spending more time laughing and doing stupid things like hunting wild boars in the middle of the night or watching lame shows like sharktopus together . When ah ma acts pitiful, we laugh. When grandma twists the story, we laugh. When she tries using different people to be her pawn, we laugh. And it's really funny - not in the disrespectful way. Did you watch money no enough 2? it's the same kinda funny. Sad funny.

There's nothing we can do except laugh it off and try to take things with a pinch of salt. Grandma has changed alot since Australia. She asks the same question in the same conversation and either forgets information or twists the things she remembers. Everything we do is wrong. Nothing we give is enough. and we are all not prepared for this.

It seems like the only time we feel something close to bitter sadness is during the short period of time a day when she is lucid enough to realize that she has exhausted all her cards and that they aren't coming back. She looks so pitiful it hurts. But as soon as we give in and start giving her what she wants, she forgets the reality of it and her demands gets absurd again.

is contentment really so hard to achieve?

why is it i no longer understand these things?

2 days ago, the maid hid in my toilet shaking because she was afraid she would harm grandma.

Yesterday, that maid walked out.

Today, 2 family members packed up and left.

My grandmother. The epitome of insanity.

many many first times today.

food poisoning. Weak. Painful. Cold.

PASS!

started as strangers, not so queer

you made it through despite the fears

who would've guessed despite the jeers

your secret love made it through the rear.

but things got heated along the way

not as happy as in the day

yet despite the obstacles there you lay

in each other's arms you often say

now things have changed on this special day

and not in your favourite kinda way

one hiding behind shades of tears

the other indulging in endless beer

whichever way you're letting out,

make sure that you never doubt

try to remember the times so near,

ask yourself and see it clear

what is it you really want -

is this a chapter or is this done?

separate ways this time for real,

or back in thy arms, that one so dear?

sigh.

no matter how the rays may shine,

keep this one little thing in mind

it doesn't matter what you both may say

we have all gone down this way

in times of need and sheer dismay

through it all your friends, we'll stay.

it's not about the money money money.

finally a day to rest.

Haven't had the drive to write recently. Like having the wind sucked outta me. And quite literally, this flu bug nesting in me right now IS sucking the wind outta me.

Everyday I'm doing these routines.. everyday I straddle the line between spacing out because of all the sudden changes or to beef up and take everything in my stride. Changes are... incredible. The way it hits you, the way it tests you, the way it opens your eyes.

And CIs have the knack to whack you from behind outta no where.

I don't think i've had it worse than everyoneelse from the recent sagas and i count my blessings every single day with the thought of how much worse things could've gotten without his love and his guidance. but that doesn't mean i've been able to get all my emotions in check.

HSM has a song called " put your head in the game. "And I've been doing that every single day. I wake up, I cook, I clean (less!), we go to the hospital, we go to the market, I have my tea, I have my wine (tryna retain some class here you know you know), and albeit increasingly less, I clean the room. All in all, I'm like the part time huang lian po cum tai tai cum bum. Day in day out I tell myself to take pride in my objectives now and to take the chance to pick up new skills and take up the responsibility at home. I really am learning alot in the kitchen but the magic or the will to see things half cup full seems to be vanishing very slowly. I don't hate it now.. but i still feel like i'm running away from something. Reality maybe.

That said, I'm not exactly living the pitiful life most people in my shoes now should be living. quality of life still matters baby! so time is still set aside for tv, to worry about the upcoming RTT test, to throw tantrums, to cycle, to hang out with friends, and to fuss about life in general. It's just less guilt-free and I have to keep an eye out for things at home whenever, wherever, whatever i'm doing. So the pace now is like on interval training. Zoom in zoom out when on the move like in between places, and slow and steady during. Thank god for the car. There have been nice touches here and there lately though.. I've been able to cycle more, I got to jump start my still-rotting-but-very-much-loved camera , I got to meet up with everyone, go to new places, go for a couple of rounds etc etc.

But everyday, anger also seem to be creeping up my back more and more.

i dono if it's the lethargy or the lack of sun or the frustration or the pms or the de-sharonizing effect but it seems like my only form of communicating at home now is by shouting.

" mother, can you stop?! "
" stop changing your mind! "
" i'm cooking la! "
" OHMYGOD. "
" What the fuck? " ( gasp yes, the four-letter-word! )

And i get these waves of anger that hits me before i can keep them in check.

Just the other day, I was peeling the pomelo and it started squirting at me left right centre and I honestly contemplated smashing it!

Too much hell's kitchen on starworld.

i think Mai hit the spot though. in a teacher scary askkk-yoursellffffff-deeplyyyy way. from aust to sharon to home, i haven't had the time nor enerygy to sit down and digest everything yet. everyone wants in on the scoop of things.. but there's really no story to tell. we had a good run, it was real feelings while it lasted and then we went our separate ways. She chose the treadmill while i the road. However you wanna interpret that metaphor. hehe. It wasn't exactly an easy process.. which one will be, really? But i've never let her down and i think that one night, i sought comfort in that and things just kinda lay out after that - especially with all the things i've seen in Aust while it was happening. Travelling alone makes you notice things like that.. and you remember what you wanted in the grand picture. The one you've lost track of. You know how teachers/parents always say to give in your best for your exams and when you fail it, at least you know you've put in your best? i think this was the feeling they were trying to inspire. And quite awkardly, separately the realization tastes sweeter than the win, ceteris paribus of course.

The bitter medicine here however, is saying bye bye to baby. No more smelly breaths, whistle barks, wet paws or standing ears. :(
(NOT GONNA BOND WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S ANIMALS ANYMORE. FENDER FOR LIFE!)

Not saying my family is not driving me nuts though. Mother's favoritism DESPITE; them commenting that I have lotsa free time; ah ma's dramas etc... it's all the same. there's no point ranting on and on, but i want to anyway. HAH! It's a never ending circle. And I've decided that I should just let it go.. but self-inspiring words always sound so much better than the action itself. it still annoys the hell outta me.

And the upcoming RTT really is so not helping.

phew. life!

The sudden onslaught of critical illnesses is an emotional process.

But what many don't know is how even more physical, mental and emotional things can get during rehab and recovery for both patients and caregivers alike.

we are all deadly exhausted.
and i really miss the sun.

but who's to say mum's random humor would stop?

Was doing speech therapy with mother yesterday and a particular exercise involved reading aloud 10 different words daily and forming simple sentences with them. Yesterday's first word was "establishment."

I was anticipating a simple, nonchalant type sentence but APPARENTLY, the only sentence my mother could think of and felt most appropriate to say out loud was..

"this establishment is managed by Huitann."

hahaha. Guess we never knew how much she liked Huitann.

Thankfully, things are finally starting to stabilize. With her determination and our dedicated care and basic hospital-cat/fish-and-relatives maintenance, mother is recovering and responding well to the many many MANY rehabs and therapies. Alex and i have also slowly started to learn how to share the responsibilities and Alvin does his part too except he's been too far to make most decisions with so he mainly drops by in the evening to provide the extra pair of hands. Most importantly, Mother is getting better at walking and doing basic things independently now so the stress is starting to ease up. Naturally, we still get frustrated with things every now and then and sometimes little dramas do not help but everyday we are learning to cope with them. Thank god! and thank friends who have been showering us with love, surprises, breakfasts, laughter and patience esp during the critical period.

and did i mention the hotel-like room and maisarah's seh therapist who comes everyday, turned back to ask my name and lives only 7 blocks away? (she volunteered that information. HEE. perks.)

8 years now. love you jin.

I want my healthy mother back.

The tea cupboard.

The one so fondly remembered. The one poink and i used to sneak into to make ourselves warm cups of tea in the wee early hours of the morning was still there.

It still held the tea leaves.

Steady old tea cupboard.

Takeaway oxymorons.

You don't have to be drunk. but high enough to know who you are, be brave enough to pursue it...




And recognize it stupid to go out with only a windbreaker on a winter's night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird, fly.
Blackbird, fly.

Into the light of the dark black night.