' Can you remember whether you'd had a dream? One perhaps that seemed very real? '

'Oh yes.' Heidi's eyes met his. ' I dream every night that I'm back with Grandfather and can hear the wind whistling through the fir trees. I know in my dream the stars must be shining brightly outside, and I get up quickly and open the door of the hut - and it's so beautiful. But when I wake up I'm always still here in Frankfurt. '

running out of alone-times.

Time to file for tax returns from Yellowstone.

Just received an email from Teri Nightingale. Sigh....

How do you describe this kind of longing?

Homesick without leaving home.

Does that mean home is not home?

It's always the same story..

B sees A.

B resists talking to A.

A leaves.

B regrets and promises to talk the next time.

With some luck, A returns.

B becomes too nervous to start.

A leaves again.

And the most brilliant of pick up lines form.

AYEE!

We were watching old faithful go off far into the horizon by a bright orange sunset in my dreams last night.

We were free.

Work's been so busy I haven't got the time to write.

It's finally the long CNY break but I'm so tired I feel like every free minute should be spent catching up with my sleep or doing other mindless stuff rather than blog. I do have tons of things to talk about but.. aye, I guess I should wait till I'm more awake.

Work's been alright. Extremely exhausting but at least there are kids around. I have more to say.. but I'm too tired to do it right now.

What's important though, is that even though work's been taking up a huge chunk of my time now, some things still remain as important, as beautiful and as painful to me.

Like at the back of my mind, something's waiting for me. Just like how I've been waiting for it.

You can never say never.

Why we don't know when

time and time again

Younger then than we were before.

Don't let me go..

Don't let me go.

I hate it when grandma goes on a rampage like that.

Getting so sick of old people and their opinions and pride.

They know what is what but they don't know what is what. They just strut.

What the fuck?

Trying to find time.

I want a POTO mask.

Always on my mind.

Work starts tomorrow!

I am SO lost. What should I expect? What should I not expect? How should my first impression be like?

I'm not cut out for business-like positions like these!

But then again,

It's a brand new start.

A possible window of opportunity to make a change.

I am most definitely not ready. And I know it's stupid to want to drag this on because honestly, how long can I push back finding a job? Life has to go on and I can still do good, can't I? But I'm a whimp! Inside and out.

okok, this is getting out of hand.

I am going to face tomorrow bravely!

shit.

She looks over and flashes a gentle grin.

The voice on the other end becoming more noise than words.

She knows she isn't in control anymore - and she liked that.

With a swift goodbye she hangs up the phone and slowly strolls over.

That smile still hanging on her face.

It's just the two of them now.

Awkward yet comfortable.

With the imminent doom at the back of their minds,

neither side knew what to say.

Their eyes started sprouting silent words,

both willing their smiles to stay.

And by the beauty of the flickering flames,

Time stood still -

Just busking in her presence.

Some day, when I'm awfully low.

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow just thinking of you..

and the way you look tonight.

I can't believe this whole holiday thing is coming to an end. And I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's a perm job we're talking about. THE first perm job and.. I don't even feel mature enough!

I'll be classified as old from Monday onwards yet I'm still a whiny and spoilt little brat within. How do I cope with this?

I've been living life by taking things one step at a time so far and this is one huuuggee unplanned step and.. I HATE CHANGES. So naturally, I'm freaking out. Big time.

Gotta give it to Mari though. She's been shit load patient with all my paranoia. She's been taking my panic attacks pretty cool-ly. And even though I still bring up a million and one other most random worry factors, she hasn't lost her cool with me. Not yet anyway.

I think the bottomline is, I'm afraid to carve new memories for fear of forgetting the old ones. I hate changes and I'm gonna screw up so bad.

Somebody get me a chill pill!

thirtyfortynine!

Boom boom boom.

Shit. I got cold feet.

But then again,
you never really lose until you quit trying ( - Mike Ditka ) do you?

Have been reading Justin's girlfriend's blog on the sly lately. Her name's Courtney and I only met her once AFTER Justin had officially left Yellowstone ( thus the 'sly'. ) Stumbled upon the link whilst talking to him on his wall a few days back and since I was bored, I thought I'd just check it out. Turned out her posts were both too intriguing and interesting to stop.

I've always enjoyed reading about people's first experiences in a foreign place and that makes me a little upset about being too lazy ( or stupid ) to jot down the memories from the first moment at Yellowstone to the day I first stepped out onto the Geyser Basin with Dot ( which was about 4 days after I've arrived - I never dared venture across the road outside the store. Loser. ) to when people finally arrived and how it eventually became a kind of home which I still cannot let go of.

Anyway her latest entry was one on her participating in a protest against the political prisoners in Iran and as if that itself doesn't raise eyebrows, she also mentioned that her curriculum required her to attend one such session.

That's where the Singapore and US system differs.. I think. They encourage them to voice their thoughts and views by exposing them to it. There's practical learning in this. It's no wonder why they are often much more expressive and opinionated than us. Our learning habits, on the other hand, only teaches us to shut up and memorize textbooks. Better yet, memorize ten year series answers.

Back at the picnic bench outside the dorm, I sometimes hear Kelsey, Justin and Orval talk about their government and about other political issues. I really didn't quite understand what they were saying half the time but they sure did sound good.. if not well-learned. Sure I've heard of bits and pieces in the news before but those weren't enough to form the full picture so the best way out was to keep my mouth shut and pretend to be bothered by things like... how fat the chipmunk/squirrel ( they look the same!! ) was becoming. Her name was Samantha btw. Just in case you'd like to know.

I mean back in Singapore, we talk about the government too. But we bitch. Even if they were merely gossiping, at least it sounded more like a discussion to me. And I've seen the passion in Justin when he talks about some of the issues before. It was... nice?

Even though it's supposedly for our own good, I still think the Singapore government shelters us too much and we are too kiasi to question. And last night's 2012 with Xie makes me feel even more skeptical. ( On a totally random note, the show was AWESOME. Who the hell told me the show sucked? )

We don't even know how true certain local news we read from the newspapers are. Take for example - the economy. Everywhere's talking about how much it has picked up.. but somehow it doesn't show. Just flip through the classified ads - there's hardly anymore job openings for the business sectors. Engineers yes; business no. I was just on the phone with PL this evening and she told me how this week's career fair at NTU hardly have any employment opportunities for the business students. Some of the major banks didn't even get themselves booths this year.

And you gotta protest indoors in major IMF/ASEAN leader's summit! Joke. I know it's good for the safety and all... but.. Singapore's just too small. Too controlled.

I don't know why and what I'm rambling about anymore. Millions of random thoughts flood my mind these days and I find it very very hard to put them out in words. Maybe I'm turning mental.

OR maybe I've got pms.