Just so you know,
I haven't forgotten about today.

Went on a lunch date with grandma today.
She's definitely much older and weaker than I last remembered. Her steps grew slower and slower as the walk to the bus stop proceeded and her grip and my shoulder were like a mixture - hard because she needs the support; weak because she didn't have the strength to hold it for too long.

This short lunch with grandma made me feel like a complete asshole.
It made me wonder if opening my eyes meant becoming more selfish.

Throughout that short walk, I had to constantly remind and force myself to slow down to match her pace. In the past, it just happened naturally. Serving her was a natural instinct, a natural responsibility. Now, however, I have to be reminded. And that's not good.

Before i left for the states, i used to come home and stomp over to her place to greet her - no matter how much i dreaded it. but now, i can't even be bothered to smile at her. i used to spend a long time at her place after meals to talk to her, to give her her pills or to at least hear her complain a bit. but all i do now is spend 10 minutes eating the food and quickly washing the dishes before i leave.

and i put no effort in hiding how eager i am to leave.

All i do now is return to my room and keep myself occupied with rearranging and packing the place up. i'm pretty sure a large part to why i'm putting so much effort in revamping the room is because i cant be bothered to face anyone in this home.

Why can't I just be more patient with everyone? i obviously realize how lonely she is. yet, a huge part of me don want to.

Everytime i feel guilty, a voice in me would remind me of how everyone will make use of this weakness to send me on guilt trips. EVERYONE seems to know it. can't they see she's lonely? why must i be the one to bend? coz i'm a girl?

these are exactly what i hear everytime i hesistate in walking away.

sadly, i really love spending time on my own. sometimes, i really want to do more, to care more. but the thought of how instead of appreciating the effort, people either use it to benefit themselves or think i have an ulterior motive or simply doubt me makes me boiling mad and confused all over again.

grandma won't appreciate them. she will ask for more. mum will say she appreiciates them.. but that's after i storm off.. AFTER she criticizes almost everything i've done. and the sad part is most of these criticisms are on petty things like the direction of the hanger. -_-' Alex just thinks he's the boss. Alvin's the best because he does nothing but plays his playstation. but i like him because at least he does his part and he shows his appreciation.

you see, such things are reciprocal. or at least to me they are.

i know it's tough on mother as well. afterall, she's treated like a slave by both her mum and her children. and i do want to help her. but why should i? my brothers are locking themselves in their room after meal. as for me, i still have to face her every bloody night. and it's human nature that she'ld wanna make use of me to earn some freedom for herself. but i know them - this will grow to be habit to both the old ladies. on top of that, i get blamed for EVERYTHING.

can u believe my uncle is still passing snide remarks everytime i walk pass him? " why do u wanna be a social worker? "; " you wanna be a social worker right? make my son/daughter study "; " spend more time with ah ma la. social worker mah ". i don think he means it really badly..but it sucks when no one in your family supports you. when will this stigma end?

it's really stiffling here.

but at the same time,
i cannot help but realize how selfish i am.

What do you do when you want to fulfil two inversely correlated responsibilities?

I really should start counting my blessings. Imagine a kid without parents. I'm already very lucky.

goodnight world.

It'll be fine,
nothing to fear.
She will be happy as she was here.
Things have worked out much better than planned.
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand.
And I know I'll forget,
how much she meant to me.
and how she was almost my baby,
maybe.

Have you ever had a moment when you've known - i mean, logically known in your head -that you're a fantastically lucky person, that you're truly fortunate to have an education, to live in a nice place in a great city, to have friends who care about you and all that, but you just can't get yourself to actually feel it?

There is so much we can learn from the Taiwanese.

Hate being such a loser.

Because you're hoping you're wrong.
and everytime she does something that tells you she's no good,
you ignore it.
and everytime she comes through and surprises you,
she wins you over.
and you lost that argument with yourself that she's not for you.

A typical conversation with mother goes like this:

" Tomorrow you're not going out? Ok, good. So wake up at 8 am, 9 am send your brother to work, then we bring ah ma out for breakfast. After that, I go and work in the afternoon but i think i can get out at 3 or 4 pm. After that we go shopping for your work clothes. But don't tell your ah ma. We secretly go out. "

*GAG*

Firstly, I'm not interested in sending my brother to work or going for breakfast with grandma.

Secondly, I'm not interested in shopping for work clothes because not only have i not found a job, we also usually end up running your errands and you know how much i hate trying on new clothes unless absolutely necessary.

Thirdly, why do i feel like we're going out on a tryst?

but..

How do you say things like this without hurting your mum?

I'ld much rather we remain in that distant manner than having you try to break the ice by following me WHEREVER I GO. I hate the fact that you're starting to open up.. and you just assume i wanna listen to you or i wanna spend my whole day with you.

Even if i wanted to do that, I wouldn't anymore. Because that's how you slowly eat into sending me on guilt trips. Something like what you're beginning to do right now. And after that, the family will do it too. SHIT. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to follow your footsteps anymore. I need to break free.

I don't wanna spend the whole day in the room with you, i don't want to watch all those movies with you. I mean, abit's alright but once you know i'm not going out and you have the day off, you start making plans. OMG! and you don't even ask. You just decide. Just like that.

I'm not your subordinate. I want to be left alone.. stop invading into my circle of control. Sigh, but how can I tell you that? You can't even take the hint of my shifting out on my own. Either that, or you totally just ignore that fact.

It's not I don't care about you. I am grateful to you but you are smothering me, mother.

Totally hate how those guilty pangs are inching in.

My Id and Superego so must stop this war right now. Because i can feel myself caving into the pressure very soon.

When do you know it's all worth it?

Been thinking of Celia pretty much today. I think it's the cold, stormy weather.. reminds me of that night she stayed up in my room. The same kind of weather - only with the warmth of a friend. It was tiring, no doubt. but it was fun. Simply because we were so tired, we were talking without thinking. Just shooting everything out of our mouths randomly. And before that, we spent like 3 hours talking in toilet. Haha.. I can still see the faces of Evelyn, Sigrid and Julie when they walked in time after time only to see us sitting on the table top in the EXACT SAME POSITION. Would do anything to see those expressions again.

It was very nice of her to just do stupid things with the colour papers while i struggled with my awesome artistic skills. And i mean really struggle. It's like everytime i tried to show off something I invented, she'll find a fault with it. " HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH EDGES LIKE THAT?! " " OMG! LOOK AT THIS! CAN I CUT IT FOR YOU? MY GOD! YOU CALL THIS A GIFT?! "

What an asshole.

I guess she could tell i'm not really talented that way, that's why she decided to give me some kind of motivation.

Anyway, the fun part was also how we stopped each other from falling asleep. You see, I was WAY behind schedule and we had a friend who was leaving the next morning so by 5 am, we knew we shouldn't be zzzing or we'ld definitely not wake up in time. But when the clock striked 600am and those coyotes started howling or making that strange noise they make, our eyes took a life on their own. Or rather, they decided that enough was enough. We soon found ourselves fast asleep - gentleman me head on the bed, body on the floor while she curled up on the floor, right beside the computer. I think we dozed off for about 15 minutes before we both decided it was too cold and both jumped onto the bed with the alarm set to go off in half an hour.

Who were we kidding? Of course we couldn't get up in half an hour! We didn't even hear the alarm go off. Thank god Kelsey's memory didn't fail her that day. She banged on the door right before she went for breakfast and despite being disoriented, we made it in time to say goodbye.

Good times, good times.

Really miss that kid.

You know how lotsa people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? All of a sudden, I feel like MY life is flashing right before my eyes. No, i'm not dying. It's just happening.

I could be all confused and unhappy one minute, nostalgic the next and then behaving all calmly thereafter. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm at the point where once again, I can't find the right words or form the right sentences. There is SO MUCH i would like to say.. so much that's screaming to come out but nothing is flowing. I must've written at least 5 different entries for each mood, only to delete them by the time I reach the end because I feel differently by then. Shit.

There's no peace within right now. No music that makes sense, no sound that isn't noise. And I can't seem to point out what is wrong. The world seems to be moving faster than I've ever seen and yet, it's slow at the same time. Kinda like a split world - like i'm living in a twilight zone.

What am i thinking about? Why do i feel so vexed? The world suddenly seems so big again. And i see myself as that puny little forlorn child crouched down at one corner of this gigantic universe while the world zooms by. Literally. I want the peace within. I want to find that peace.. but how am i supposed to solve a problem without first realizing what it is?

So i left today. Found a place where i could disappear for at least half an hour and i just sat there. Sat.. and sat... and sat..

and,

Still no peace.

I tried to break it all down, tried to think of many reasons why i could be feeling like that. And i realized there are just too many. It's not the big problems that are the frustrating ones.. it's the too small to rectify it but too big to ignore it kind that kills me.

I'm afraid of reverting back to the past. Afraid of being too dependent on everyone or too gutless to make decisions without overthinking it, without disecting every single corner just to BE SURE that that's the right decision. But how can i ever be sure? No one's ever sure.

As it is, I can already see it happening; I can feel it coming back. My friends know me too well..

When I first touched down, pl came to visit and help me readjust. Xie and Ks followed thereafter, trying to keep me occupied. Then pl's there again for more.. advices. Jasmine's been helping me find jobs, find ways to to cure the itch, helping me find a direction. Kl's been complaining about how I've neglected her for 2 years but still knows where i'm heading to right now, Karolina, Agata and Celia's been uber worried about me since I came back, mari's been rationalizing for me.. and the list goes on!

It's like the world's spoonfeeding me again. Even without me meeting them, they are still there for me. And what do i do? I disappear from their lives as and when I like. Yet every single time, these people come back.

I can no longer hide this guilt i'm feeling. This sense of worthlessness. It's uh.. hard to explain how this works.

I love, appreciate and need all my friends. But because of how much they've done for me, I feel like I have a responsibility for everyone, even though this 'responsibility' or 'expectation' they have on me may not exist. Sometimes i feel like i have to match up to everyone's social norms eg, to find a high paying job or to join the corporate world in order to be useful.

Maybe that's why i want to walk away. Because I owe everyone far too much. Sometimes, spending too much time in your comfort zone makes it a lil' 'uncomfortable'.

I want some alone time - without any hidden agenda or without the need to escape. I need alone times like those in ynp where i do it just to make sense of the day, to tie up some lose ends, to have a 'reflection time' at the end of the day and to appreciate everything around me. Somehow, things are not slow enough here to do that. Things are not green and big enough for me to just stare up, take in the air and smile. Most importantly, i need my alone time with dad, and god. I know i'm starting to sound all holy and stuff.. but i'm really not at all honk-if-you-love-jesus kind. ( not yet anyway. ;) ) It's just.. i could feel something when i was at ynp. But there's nothing now. Zilch.

I miss those times.


And i couldn't stop thinking of all the weirdest and most random times in YNP today. Mostly it was of all the walks past mara's place, past the pub, past the snow lodge. And the walks back from the pub by the ranger station. Somehow, these places suddenly seem so warm. But sometimes i do wonder if it's warm because of the place or because of the people. I guess putting both together makes it that much perfect.

A house is too big. But having a room for yourself, admist a communal environment with the right people, and in the wild.. that's living. You get your own space, AND you get to interact. You have to be independent, you have to be bold, you get to live life as it is.

Don't make room for regrets.

Really wish there was something I could do..

So i've been all absorbed by the guitar again lately.
Seems like that's my other vice whenever i'm procrastinating.

But at 10pm today, (ie 8am Yellowstone time),
I couldn't play a proper tune at all.
Everything was jumbled, too fast or had no feel to it.

You see, today's the day most of them leave Yellowstone.
And apart from having my thoughts distracted by those leaving - and how everyone's going their separate ways,
I can't help but think of those staying behind as well.

Can you just imagine the anguish?

Wish there was something that can be done.

Goodbyes are just so freakin' hard. Dammit!

Also, I've started scouting for jobs. Found a couple of interesting ones.. but everytime I jot them down, the voices of my family just keeps ringing in my head. Met up with one of my malaysian uncle lately.. and he followed us in collecting my cert. When he asked what my plan was and he heard the term 'social work', he just kept quiet. And after a couple of hours when he learned that the degree is in marketing, he preached NON-STOP about how I should go into business first and only concentrate in social work when i'm near retirement.

Sometimes i wonder if it's just my perception or if it's because of their age. But the old people ALWAYS relates social work to serving the older people in the society. What about the mentally challenged or the problem kids? What about third world countries that requires our energy and youth? Don't they need us? Or is this just a part of my fantasized world?

I'm so confused.

What is my calling?

Sometimes it feels like out of no where, I've been dumped in the middle of the desert where no proper roads could be made out. I can walk either direction I deem fit and wherever I turn, a beautiful town seem to be there. But could all this be just some kind of a mirage? What if a wrong decision is made? Would it be too late to turn back? Will I be heading for something that never existed? Or did i choose the right route? Will i know WHEN to turn back?

Is this really a useless lifestyle? Should i go down the route everyone is taking or should I make my own route?

Oh boy, all these questions. Who can ever answer them?

And there this whole issue of leaving the country. Indeed, I may have to work a couple of years first. But I'm afraid of how I might forget about how strong this desire is when the time comes.

I hate changes. When I get accustomed to this life, would I want to risk it all to try a life outside this 'comfort zone' ?

See, more questions.

I see the look in everyone when I express my thought of leaving. Friends and family just keep silent. Dead silent. But i can't make out what this silence means. Is it a doubtful silence or a why-must-you-leave silence? Juan thinks I will leave eventually.

Well, truth is if I still feel this way in 6 months, I most likely will. And I am preserving this 'feeling' by distaning myself from ALOT of people. So i do owe an apology to many of my friends and some of my family members.

I am in a very very confused state of mind right now. Please bear with me.


The day the door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
But I'm not sure anymore,
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge -
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'!

I know they've got a plan,
But the ball's in my hands!
This time is man-to-man!
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of,
(A world that's upside down)
It's spinning faster!

What do I do now,
Without you?

I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose, so confused -
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

Karolina, Agata and 99.9999% of the Taiwanese girls leaves tomorrow morning.

Even in Singapore, it doesn't feel good. Don't know why. So imagine what Kelsey, Matej, Julie, Jana Melody and Sarah must be feeling..

So this morning, I got up and in loving memory of them...

....
..
.
.
.
.

I ate THREE peanut butter and jelly!

heh heh. there goes my non-existant diet plan.

Go away, weird feeling.



It was my blessing to cross path with you guys. Thanks for being such pals.

I can't believe this moment's come,
it's so incredible that we're alone.
There's so much to be said and done,
it's impossible not to be overcome.

Will you forgive me if I feel this way?
Coz we've just met - tell me that's OK.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I can't explain the things that I'm feeling.
No, I won't let go..

Now would you mind if I bared my soul?
If I came right out and said,
you're beautiful.
Coz there's something here I can't explain.
I feel I'm diving into driving rain.
You get my senses running wild,
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.

I like the wild.

I like taking those walks alone.
The kicking of sand in the air.
and the sitting by the backyard of that stupid, over-sensitive old lady, with a beer in one hand, fags in another and one more bottle in my pouch coupled with those earphones blasting in my ear.

I like talking to that faceless soul beside me; throwing pebbles down that 'cliff' while i look over the softball field.

I like the long walk by the road from the trailer park, past the pub and back to the dorm.
I like stopping by the pub for maybe one more drink before heading back and plonging myself onto the picnic bench - sometimes alone, sometimes with friends.
Maybe then, i'll have another drink and another fag. and another, and another. haha.

I like visiting that smelly horse/mule that sniffs up the wrong areas.
Thereafter, walking down to the softball field just to see the carved names and reminisce on the good times.
Before long, that faceless soul would come again. Sometimes we don't even talk, we just sit.
It's quite nice, you know, to just sit and reflect. To have a companion that listens to you even when you're not speaking.

I like(d) hiking.

I like taking the longest time ever scaling the not-that-high-up observation point. And when i'm up there, it was nice to sit by the wooden barricade and stare out hard below. Sometimes, I would climb up that offtrail slope, which has probably been explored by a million other people before me. It goes higher than the 'peak' of the trail but the view wasn't much of a difference. What was fun,though, was the falling off it after that because my shoes just wouldn't stay at one spot. You know the adrenaline of tumbling down with only the edge in sight but halting right at the very last minute, just one step before the end. Haha.. puts a smile to my face.. and of course, a skipped beat to my heart.

I like how I had the chance to do stupid things like that.
To watch the stars, to get pissing drunk with the best drinking buddies, to throw popcorns at one another, to talk kok, to sing stupid hokkien songs out loud, to be obsessed with phantom of the opera, to have my own bathing cubicle, to have my own room, to mess up my room.

Even though lotsa people think it's childish and unrealistic, i really liked that. It was the one place where 90% of what i say, what i did and where i went, was controlled by the heart, not by the head. Where my feet decides the next step forward, and not me. Where ever step taken is a surprise.

Very nice.

I like the wild,
I wanna be the wild.

So i know i should move on and stop missing yellowstone and all it's glory.
But i don't want to.
Who then should i listen to this time?
My heart,
or my head?

Whichever the case, I guess refining my resume would be a good start.

START BEING A MOTHER!
START BEING FAIR!
START BEING MY FAMILY!

Listen, not judge.

Searched the newspaper and the internet for jobs today..

nothing interests me.


shit.

Life always boils down to chosing between these:

Protect yourself by hurting others;
or, protect others by protecting yourself less.

Why do people always not appreciate the 'right' choice?
Or is is only right to be wrong?

Maybe only the selfish can succeed.

o v e r.