Losing everyone and everything around me. And I'm not even sure f it's worth it.

Starting to hate looks of things. Including my own guts. As in.. inside.

It's the ultimate fusion of disappointing myself, disappointing others around me and all for no rhyme or reason.

If it's always anger, frustration and cofusion, why stick around?

Dear god.

Trust issues.

I am so angry these days.

So filled with doubts and assumptions. It's bad enough to feel like trust is disappearing but you mix this with assumptions - and a whole cocktail of jealousy, of anger, and of self-protection just brews on it's on. In some ways, I feel like someone has just opened pandora's box. My pandora's box.

How can things change so much in just a couple of days.

I wish less thoughts were and are being put in my head right now. because i just cant keep going through this every weekend.

Trust thy heart.

I jumped outta bed at 4 today feeling like I'm lacking in a whole load of self worth.

kinda need a dad right now.

Your actions and your words do not tally.

But then again, neither does mine.

We need a lil bit'a trust.

I know because I'm not stupid. And many a-times I feel like taking a hike.

But then it's a first time in a long time where I take a look at the face, think of the worst case scenario and still feel like hey, it's worth it.



... DIE LA!

Long time since I had dinner, or a proper meal with the family. Had one tonight.

And I remember why I've not been around.

Feels like I'm from the 2nd grade family when we reach. Feels like I'm the bottom grade child when we sit.

Which only makes me wonder what to expect when 5 people and 2 animals shift in next month.

Am I just this?

Full of lies.

Mother is seriously getting on my nerves.

也许苦，也许甜
不害怕，不后悔

Lonely without you.

Hate the feeling I got the moment I woke up today.

Fear.lost.angst.anger.confusion.hope.

allcombinedintoone.

Today I had a couple of chances.
Today I didn't take those chance.
Today I feel really bad.

I don wanna live my life in regret.

Yesterday was a tiring day.

But in an awesome way. =))

Missing it even before Friday happens.

Willing this two weeks to pass by slowly.

yup, she thinks I'm stupid.

Sometimes I think you think I'm stupid.

I'm not talking of a hurried night.
A frantic tumble and a shy goodbye.
Creeping home before it gets to light.
That's not the reason that I caught your eye.

Life as we know it.

Some people makes decision in life by choosing the easiest way out. Some purposely goes against the flow for a kick in their mundane life.

I have the whole world who loves me going against my 2 biggest decisions at this point of my life.

How do I choose?

What is your choice?

Tired but just can't sleep.

Sent Sean Nee off to her new life in Dubai yesterday.

I hated it.

Didn't realize I would actually feel so strongly about it until I saw Eng and her. Both me amigos gone just like that.

The three of us have come a long way. From a shy dinner at Orchard Central, we progressed to having secret rendezvous(es) at the Infant Care, to frequent dinners, to caring smses, to many laughters and 10 times more tears.

Seeing Eng and Sean Nee last night brought about a whole lot of memories at CM. How we sneaked lame remarks or gossips to each other because we don't want people to know that we were hanging out, how we looked for each other when we were pissed and how we always hid at Eng's room in the afternoon to chit chat and to bitch about my family.

In retrospect, the school seems so much emptier now. Even though the number of people our age went up ( as compared to Ellen's time ), the feeling is somewhat different. I am thankful for most of them. Some especially more than others - like Maisarah, Sharon, Irene etc but it is still not the same. I can't say if it's for the better or for the worst but what I know for sure is that I miss the days with Eng and Sean Nee very much.

Staying at CM is like watching an old film.. where the background scene remains still but people starts disappearing.

Sometimes, it gets a little too lonely for my liking.

I'm afraid because when you're climbing or are at the top of the roller coaster ride, the only way you can go is down. And the higher you go, the faster you fall.

imagine me and you

Birthday came early this Halloween..

and I liked it very much.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
=))


Sidenote: There was another cake, another effort, another surprise from Mai, Irene and Eddy as well. Pics up when I get em.

I am so confused with you.

Eat.Pray.Love.

When I was all alone at yellowstone during the initial stages, Becky, our head chef who has been looking out for me since day one lent me her tv, a couple of good movies and the book, eat.pray.love.

I remember seeing that title in the bookstores in Singapore before so I showed special interest in it. Unfortunately before I could finish the book, Ken, matej, kate and Kelsey happened. Although I never did touch the book again, I've always felt the urge to buy it when I see it in the local bookstores. So imagine the excitement I had when I learned about the movie. Especially with Julia Roberts in it.

A couple of days back, I was battling with my down emotions again. I began asking alot of questions whose answers I couldn't receive. I vividly remember sitting on the bench by the playground asking him to appear again - just like the good ol' days at old faithful. He didnt have to give me answers. All he had to do was seat. But alas, I couldn't feel him/them. Despite the many days; albeit the many hours, he was a no-show. Together with her. I was worried, I was troubled, I was angry, confused, sad. I didn't even know how to pseudo pray anymore. So I panicked and text pl: I'm in trouble.

3 words.

The same 3 words that started the movie.

It felt like a miracle. A sign that was reinforced every now and then with the same quotes KS told me just hours before.

Eat.pray.love was like the answer to my many questions. Well not exactly answers but again, a sign that I'm not the only confused soul. It carried lotsa words that worked like inspirations to me. I proabably will never be as gung-ho as the character but hell, it's always better to imagine than to be confused all the time.

At the very least, it brought about some form of comfort for that 2.5 hrs.

Abit gay (well, YOU KNOWW) but retail theraphy works! At least for abit.

Need a huge sleeping pill.

Moulin Rouge - El Tango de Roxanne

Bet you didn't know I've always had the desire to direct my own musical.

天黑黑，黑黑。

I wish I could sleep it off like you do.

But i'm busy trying not to be busy making sense of it all.

I shake uncontrollably as the countdown to Monday begins.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

Not there.

I'm near Sean nee's blk again. Everytime smth's wrong, just the knowledge that I'm near her blk makes me feel less lost.

But this time, she's not there.

The Offspring - Self Esteem

We make plans, go out at night.
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light.

Can I really not trust you?

Feeling like El Tango de Roxanne.

Now I know that I'm being used.
But that's okay man coz I like the abuse.
I know she's playing with me,
But that's okay coz I've got no self-esteem!

This could have been a happy 3 years kinda post.

How much is loyalty worth?

favorfuckingtism!

I think no matter what, I won't be able to find back the feeling of drinking with the 4 of them.

Karolina, agata, matej, Kelsey. How I miss u all so.

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

This is home, truly.

You know how I've always hated going home early because the very thought of being in the same room for too many hours irks me?

She doesn't irritate me by being the noble mother. It's how she's slowly morphing into grandmother that bothers me. What's worse, she talks to me like I'm her fucking employee.

How she 'covers her backside' when she talks to me or how she sends me formal emails when we're all under the same roof. She even uses terms like dividends on me.

Money corrupts. They always do. And it's happening to her too. But wait, she was the one who taught me this little lesson wasn't she?

Just imagine having to feel like a dog at work only to feel the same way at home. And that is with the never ending guilt trips she sends me.

I can only wish for her to have eyes to finally see.

My insecurity is acting up again. Sometimes I really hate it so much.

Thus saith the lord!

After seeing the picture Charlene showed at DINNER today, I have a sudden admiration for all nurses out there.

Guts.

(But I am still traumatized.)

The loneliest sound in the world is other people making love.

The point is I miss Mara very much and this is the best shot I've got.

sense of abandonment.

Ok. Maybee they do make some sense.

Put your act together.

Losing faith.

"In Poseidon, those who waited for help died eventually. Most of those who ACTed survived."

It's time to take some action.

And so it begins.






It always does.

Meaningless existence.

Have you ever wondered what the point of ur being here ever means? It's a Friday evening and I'm roamng abt suntec's carrefour waiting for Ellen. It's a Friday.. I should be happy. But I'm suffering from one of those Friday blues Eng always talks about.

Why I let ppl put me down this way at work, I will never know. Some people say being a girl is easy - you find a good and rich guy, you marry him and you lead a non-eventful life.

For the slightly more adventurous, you find a good career, marry a good man, have a couple of babies and live your life making the best for your family.

If you're a guy, you suck up every shit u have at work, find a good wife and provide for her.

For every of the above scenario, u have some sorta reason to take in the hardship.

But what if you were gay? You know you'll never be able to start a family. You'll never need to provide for someone. As long as you have a roof over your head and some food on ur plate, things will still be ok. Maybbeee you have to take care of ur parents, take care of the endless obligations at home. But those will end one day. Then what?

How will you know what's ur self worth? How will you know what's the lowest u should go at work? Thr's no reason for you to hold on. But there's no reason for you not to either.

Without the answer to why you're here, how will you have self-respect?

It's been a long time since I've been here. Long time since I can talk without thinking.

Maybe Ellen is therapeutic after all.

Peace.

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

I feel like I should be contented but I'm not.

I want more.

Humans should not be the reason to stay because humans never stays.

I'm no stranger to that but it is so fucking hard to practice what you preach.

come back soon.

Time to say bye bye.

Feeling extremely insecure.

So little time,

Try to understand that I'm

Trying to make a move just to stay in the game

I try to stay awake and remember my name

But everybody's changing

and I don't feel the same.

Is it worth it to stifle my lifestyle for an underpaid, unhappy job?

Or am I just being cocky?

Getting a tad too sensitive lately, aren't I?

I see my name in shinning light.

Running away from office politics... With no where to hide.

Born to disappoint.

My mother, the 2nd biggest in her company, completely doesn't understand how I feel like a dog at work.

way too sleepy.

Had dinner with ellen today. It felt like a massive detox session. Everything came out and it came without much thoughts.

Felt really sad when she spoke of her friends who judged her despite knowing her for years. Sometimes I wonder if it's really so hard for others to understand that it's also tough for us to be like this.

But this also serves to remind me of how lucky I am to be surrounded by amigos who are receptive and understanding to freaks like me.

Looks like that fight with mother turned out to be much more of a blessing than expected. Why else would I choose to shun home?

I'd hate to jinx it but it seems like i've been unexpectedly enjoying post-work activities afterall.

Fish and co fish and co go!

I can feel the tension coming back.

Mother and I had a rough past few days. Her action this afternoon puts me back in that very strange spot again and I find myself choosing between standing up for myself or being filial.

I hate how she can show such varying acts of love over the same incident and find me petty for taking offense. I don't see how she can't understand why I'd feel this way when she feels the same everytime grandma does it to her.

Tonight we sleep in separate rooms because of the tension. And while I like my privacy, I start to worry if she might feel abandoned and hurt. I don't want to and I won't go over. but I can't deny how guilt is consuming me. And it's making me very tired.

These needless internal squabbles between what I should do and what I want to do has to end. But how so?

There is so much anger within and I don't know how to get rid of it. And the more unhappy I feel, the more hung up I get over minute incidents and sneers passed by everyone in this family.

What a wuss.

Have I ruined you?

It's one of those guilt-ridden days. Wish I had the guts and courtesy to tell u how u were the best, how I've lived in regret and apologize for my very selfish reason(s).

It's starting to get tough living with mothers' favourtism again.

I could spell out every minute detail but that would only turn the tables at me. It's like I can never be good enough for her to respect me as much as she does the boys.

Sure she seems a lil better now. On the surface that is. Guess that's what money can buy afterall. As people start looking at how she's loving me materialistically now, do they also take notice of the sincerity she's lacking?

I feel old not because I'm old but because I have long been bored with what I've been doing with my life. I am ready to leave this all behind and venture to somewhere new. I am ready to carry nothing but my mp3, my camera, a story book and your picture. I am ready to feel young again and to take chances. I am ready to pretend to be that courageous.

I want to explore different cultures. I want to be oversaturated with 'me's.

I want to be able to write this without feeling so goddamn selfish.

Happy Birthday,

Happy Fathers' Day,

Happy Death Anniversary.

of S'mores and Rice Krispies Treats.

Friday I'm in love!

sick of being disappointed.

Have you ever thought of how you'd be when you grow old? Stubborn and proud? Or mellow and supportive?

Brought grandma out for a morning of fun the other day. First we headed to her favourite prawn mee stall ( which I thought wasn't that fantastic at all ) before bringing her to Changi and East Coast beach in an attempt to take pictures of the oil spill. Since it was a failed attempt, we had plenty of extra time to spare and mother decided to check out Toa Payoh.

Toa Payoh was where grandma grew up after she migrated here from Malaysia. And you have absolutely no idea how incredibly naggy she was. She repeated... over and over and over again all her old stories of the past. How she had this good friend staying at this particular block. How they used to be so close. How they got her to be a nanny when they had a baby and how that friend passed away when he was only in his 30s. She could finish the story and start it all over again right after the final sentence ended.

I guess most old folks are like that. But it's just so much harder to be patient with your own family member. Strange, I know.

Grandma belongs to the stubborn and proud group. And I'm afraid of growing old like her. But even though I hate her favoritism and blame her for why this family is so dysfunc, sometimes I still find myself fearful for the day she dies.

What's going to happen then?

Sometimes I feel like I'm brave enough to face whatever challenges thrown at me. But then when the real threat comes, I suddenly feel tired and become too lazy to fight.

Does that make me a coward?

Or does that mean that things like these are not worth fight for?

I keep forgetting that one shouldn't get too excited about something because it almost always DOES NOT HAPPEN.

i am such a childish fuck.

When I stumble upon random familiar music, I'd feel like I was shot back to moments in Yellowstone. Oh how much I miss you cool, crisp air.

non-stop dreaming of you.

You know it's all a matter of perspective but it's just so hard to see it that way.

Come my minions,
Rise for your master!
Let your evil shine!

tired...

need... sleepp....

I'm gonna work hard, gonna be self-sufficient, gonna be independent.

I'm gonna make me worth someone like Y-O-U.

I don't know why I've been blogging random one liners lately. Changes are so rampant here that I find myself fearing for what's to come next. Somehow good things seem to come and go so quickly yet bad things linger and haunt us ever so often.

I've made myself some pretty good comrades at this job.. as of every other place I've been to. And I've found comfort in some of them. But I know better than to dwell in good feelings like these. Things won't stay this way for sure and now, I fear 'goodbyes' before 'hello' even begins. I don't dare to commit anymore. Yet, some people just have that power to make you want to.

Yellowstone memories still rakes deeply in my mind and now that I've signed on, memories have been pinned up on the wall facing me so no one else but me can see and feel how close they are to me.

I like the times where I don't think much better.

Why even right now, I'm struggling to blog about how happy/scared/sad I am.

I'm both excited and scared to go to Taiwan.

No one else would appreciate Beauty and the Beast the same. That's what's cool.

I always have visions of my family members dying and I'm scared because I know that when something really happens, it'll be all my fault.

When I die, I want everyone to sign on my coffin.

I wish I could draw so I can put down these images in my mind.

I wish I could sketch so they would look as messy as I feel them to be.