way too sleepy.

Had dinner with ellen today. It felt like a massive detox session. Everything came out and it came without much thoughts.

Felt really sad when she spoke of her friends who judged her despite knowing her for years. Sometimes I wonder if it's really so hard for others to understand that it's also tough for us to be like this.

But this also serves to remind me of how lucky I am to be surrounded by amigos who are receptive and understanding to freaks like me.

Looks like that fight with mother turned out to be much more of a blessing than expected. Why else would I choose to shun home?

I'd hate to jinx it but it seems like i've been unexpectedly enjoying post-work activities afterall.

Fish and co fish and co go!

I can feel the tension coming back.

Mother and I had a rough past few days. Her action this afternoon puts me back in that very strange spot again and I find myself choosing between standing up for myself or being filial.

I hate how she can show such varying acts of love over the same incident and find me petty for taking offense. I don't see how she can't understand why I'd feel this way when she feels the same everytime grandma does it to her.

Tonight we sleep in separate rooms because of the tension. And while I like my privacy, I start to worry if she might feel abandoned and hurt. I don't want to and I won't go over. but I can't deny how guilt is consuming me. And it's making me very tired.

These needless internal squabbles between what I should do and what I want to do has to end. But how so?

There is so much anger within and I don't know how to get rid of it. And the more unhappy I feel, the more hung up I get over minute incidents and sneers passed by everyone in this family.

What a wuss.

Have I ruined you?

It's one of those guilt-ridden days. Wish I had the guts and courtesy to tell u how u were the best, how I've lived in regret and apologize for my very selfish reason(s).

It's starting to get tough living with mothers' favourtism again.

I could spell out every minute detail but that would only turn the tables at me. It's like I can never be good enough for her to respect me as much as she does the boys.

Sure she seems a lil better now. On the surface that is. Guess that's what money can buy afterall. As people start looking at how she's loving me materialistically now, do they also take notice of the sincerity she's lacking?

I feel old not because I'm old but because I have long been bored with what I've been doing with my life. I am ready to leave this all behind and venture to somewhere new. I am ready to carry nothing but my mp3, my camera, a story book and your picture. I am ready to feel young again and to take chances. I am ready to pretend to be that courageous.

I want to explore different cultures. I want to be oversaturated with 'me's.

I want to be able to write this without feeling so goddamn selfish.

Happy Birthday,

Happy Fathers' Day,

Happy Death Anniversary.

of S'mores and Rice Krispies Treats.

Friday I'm in love!

sick of being disappointed.

Have you ever thought of how you'd be when you grow old? Stubborn and proud? Or mellow and supportive?

Brought grandma out for a morning of fun the other day. First we headed to her favourite prawn mee stall ( which I thought wasn't that fantastic at all ) before bringing her to Changi and East Coast beach in an attempt to take pictures of the oil spill. Since it was a failed attempt, we had plenty of extra time to spare and mother decided to check out Toa Payoh.

Toa Payoh was where grandma grew up after she migrated here from Malaysia. And you have absolutely no idea how incredibly naggy she was. She repeated... over and over and over again all her old stories of the past. How she had this good friend staying at this particular block. How they used to be so close. How they got her to be a nanny when they had a baby and how that friend passed away when he was only in his 30s. She could finish the story and start it all over again right after the final sentence ended.

I guess most old folks are like that. But it's just so much harder to be patient with your own family member. Strange, I know.

Grandma belongs to the stubborn and proud group. And I'm afraid of growing old like her. But even though I hate her favoritism and blame her for why this family is so dysfunc, sometimes I still find myself fearful for the day she dies.

What's going to happen then?