Work starts tomorrow!

I am SO lost. What should I expect? What should I not expect? How should my first impression be like?

I'm not cut out for business-like positions like these!

But then again,

It's a brand new start.

A possible window of opportunity to make a change.

I am most definitely not ready. And I know it's stupid to want to drag this on because honestly, how long can I push back finding a job? Life has to go on and I can still do good, can't I? But I'm a whimp! Inside and out.

okok, this is getting out of hand.

I am going to face tomorrow bravely!

shit.

She looks over and flashes a gentle grin.

The voice on the other end becoming more noise than words.

She knows she isn't in control anymore - and she liked that.

With a swift goodbye she hangs up the phone and slowly strolls over.

That smile still hanging on her face.

It's just the two of them now.

Awkward yet comfortable.

With the imminent doom at the back of their minds,

neither side knew what to say.

Their eyes started sprouting silent words,

both willing their smiles to stay.

And by the beauty of the flickering flames,

Time stood still -

Just busking in her presence.

Some day, when I'm awfully low.

When the world is cold,

I will feel a glow just thinking of you..

and the way you look tonight.

I can't believe this whole holiday thing is coming to an end. And I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, it's a perm job we're talking about. THE first perm job and.. I don't even feel mature enough!

I'll be classified as old from Monday onwards yet I'm still a whiny and spoilt little brat within. How do I cope with this?

I've been living life by taking things one step at a time so far and this is one huuuggee unplanned step and.. I HATE CHANGES. So naturally, I'm freaking out. Big time.

Gotta give it to Mari though. She's been shit load patient with all my paranoia. She's been taking my panic attacks pretty cool-ly. And even though I still bring up a million and one other most random worry factors, she hasn't lost her cool with me. Not yet anyway.

I think the bottomline is, I'm afraid to carve new memories for fear of forgetting the old ones. I hate changes and I'm gonna screw up so bad.

Somebody get me a chill pill!

thirtyfortynine!

Boom boom boom.

Shit. I got cold feet.

But then again,
you never really lose until you quit trying ( - Mike Ditka ) do you?

Have been reading Justin's girlfriend's blog on the sly lately. Her name's Courtney and I only met her once AFTER Justin had officially left Yellowstone ( thus the 'sly'. ) Stumbled upon the link whilst talking to him on his wall a few days back and since I was bored, I thought I'd just check it out. Turned out her posts were both too intriguing and interesting to stop.

I've always enjoyed reading about people's first experiences in a foreign place and that makes me a little upset about being too lazy ( or stupid ) to jot down the memories from the first moment at Yellowstone to the day I first stepped out onto the Geyser Basin with Dot ( which was about 4 days after I've arrived - I never dared venture across the road outside the store. Loser. ) to when people finally arrived and how it eventually became a kind of home which I still cannot let go of.

Anyway her latest entry was one on her participating in a protest against the political prisoners in Iran and as if that itself doesn't raise eyebrows, she also mentioned that her curriculum required her to attend one such session.

That's where the Singapore and US system differs.. I think. They encourage them to voice their thoughts and views by exposing them to it. There's practical learning in this. It's no wonder why they are often much more expressive and opinionated than us. Our learning habits, on the other hand, only teaches us to shut up and memorize textbooks. Better yet, memorize ten year series answers.

Back at the picnic bench outside the dorm, I sometimes hear Kelsey, Justin and Orval talk about their government and about other political issues. I really didn't quite understand what they were saying half the time but they sure did sound good.. if not well-learned. Sure I've heard of bits and pieces in the news before but those weren't enough to form the full picture so the best way out was to keep my mouth shut and pretend to be bothered by things like... how fat the chipmunk/squirrel ( they look the same!! ) was becoming. Her name was Samantha btw. Just in case you'd like to know.

I mean back in Singapore, we talk about the government too. But we bitch. Even if they were merely gossiping, at least it sounded more like a discussion to me. And I've seen the passion in Justin when he talks about some of the issues before. It was... nice?

Even though it's supposedly for our own good, I still think the Singapore government shelters us too much and we are too kiasi to question. And last night's 2012 with Xie makes me feel even more skeptical. ( On a totally random note, the show was AWESOME. Who the hell told me the show sucked? )

We don't even know how true certain local news we read from the newspapers are. Take for example - the economy. Everywhere's talking about how much it has picked up.. but somehow it doesn't show. Just flip through the classified ads - there's hardly anymore job openings for the business sectors. Engineers yes; business no. I was just on the phone with PL this evening and she told me how this week's career fair at NTU hardly have any employment opportunities for the business students. Some of the major banks didn't even get themselves booths this year.

And you gotta protest indoors in major IMF/ASEAN leader's summit! Joke. I know it's good for the safety and all... but.. Singapore's just too small. Too controlled.

I don't know why and what I'm rambling about anymore. Millions of random thoughts flood my mind these days and I find it very very hard to put them out in words. Maybe I'm turning mental.

OR maybe I've got pms.

Wish I were more eloquent.

Life is like a shooting star,

it don't matter who you are

if you only run for cover.

It's just a waste of time.

We are lost till we are found

this phoenix rises up from the ground

and all these wars are over.

Watched The Land Before Time today. I think I haven't seen the movie for close to 7 years already. (Can't say the same for the song though. haha.) Nevertheless, the show was still as good as how I remembered it to be. Maybe even better.

Have you ever wondered which character from the show best describes you? As much as I hate to admit, I really think I'm most like Cera. And I've always found her EXTREMELY irritating. Dammit.

Anyway, some people say that different people interprets what they see differently because everyone perceives the situation according to their own experiences.

How true that is.

A scene in the show where Little Foot felt lost and had that little non-coherent, private conversation with his mummy's spirit reminded me very much of the little solo walks and private conversations I used to have with either Dad, God or someone up there when I was at Yellowstone.

And I miss that presence very much.

I have no idea why I feel weird talking about it now. Maybe things like these should be kept deep inside and not to be shared over and over again. But like I've said, I'm a whiner. I need to whine. And I need to do this. I'm afraid of forgetting.

I remember being thankful when I was up there. Thankful for there not so creepy presence; and for their guidance. Still not sure guidance to what exactly but what mattered was, there was peace within. And I was thankful for that. At least during my solo trips.

There's no way to describe how that felt like and quoting examples wouldn't even be nearly as good but I dare say I've never been less clear of my path ahead before. Yet everything felt so right.

I guess I had faith then. Be it to god, to doing what I felt like doing and to doing when I thought was right. Faith kept me going.

but that same faith seems to be disappearing now.

It really did feel like someone was telling me, " everything's going to be alright " when I was up there. If you've watched 'city of angels', perhaps someone like Nicholas Cage had his hands on my shoulder then. Perhaps Nicholas Cage was dad.

Now though, It's like since mother's back in the picture, he disappears again. And I hate that. Because he doesn't seem to know how ridiculous our relationship's beginning to become.

With this nagging pain in my teeth/head/nose/eyes, I really can't deal with your discrimination.

AND how I can actually feel bad for not doing MORE than what I'm supposed to do.

This conflict is fucking ridiculous.

a pain like this makes you want to put a pistol to your bloody head.

So with Xie's go-ahead, I've mixed Panadol with the pain killer the doc gave and the pain's FINALLY subsiding. The lips and gums finally feels numb ( or in pseudo-scientific terms, something is finally blocking the receptors in my brain ) and I can't be thankful enough. But it's scary ALSO. It's like calamity right before the kill. There's just no saying when the pain will return and the throbbing is affecting everything! zzz also wrong; stay awake also wrong; eat also wrong; don't eat also wrong. All I know is that when it strikes, I jump around like a crazy man.

OUCH!

And I know I should stop talking. But I talk when I'm nervous. That's what I do! :(

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"1-2 caplets every 4 hours as required. Do not exceed 8 caplets in 24 hours."

Do the math.

Gurgling with salt water, taking pain killers, using a special toothpaste.

I've tried all of the above plus doing a couple of Sudoku's to distract myself but nothing's working!

And now, I have a !!!ing headache, sore throat, blocked nose and stinging eyes!

I don't care that I'm whining like a kid - I AM 10 at this very instant.

The pain is killing me!!

Have I ever said how much I hated toothaches? Hope I did because I fucking hate them.

The effing toothache is back!

I really should learn to stop singing when I'm alone in the gym.

Was completely immersed in my make-believe performance whilst lifting weights today so I sang ( not so silently ) to the tune of "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" alongside U2. Afterall, it was 915pm and there was nobody in there with me. Seems like a good time to let my guard down no?

so I went..

.. these city walls.

Only to be with you..

But I stilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll haven't founnnddd what I'm.....

then I felt cold air on my right so I looked over.

ZOMG!

A lady was standing by the doorway staring at me - with her mouth open!

The place closes at 10! Who the hell starts working out 45 mins before?!

I can't even describe how embarrassed I was. But whichever the case, something had to be done to ease the awkwardness - so I did the next smartest thing: smile, stare at the floor, let a completely silent moment float by before humming out loudly the remaining parts of the song.

Might as well end it in style right? ( In my mind though, I was actually planning the best and swiftest way to exit the gym. )

So I finished up with that set and was about ready to pack up when the radio started playing "I turn to you" and surprise surprise..

besides Christina Aguilera's, I hear another person's voice too.

Turns out that same lady was part-singing; part-humming as well! hahaha.

Looks like I can be pretty influential myself!

Whenever M&M are mentioned, things suddenly becomes that much closer to heart.

The show. It..

showed me something I thought was gone.

I know what to do now.

And just for the record,

I'll be at Montana too.

If I were to ever adopt kids in the future, I wouldn't want them entering the house feeling like this.

And on a totally different note, my DVDs have finally arrived! Time to glue myself to the TV.

Kinda miss being able to drop by your room on long afternoons or evenings and spending quality time together doing nothing but catch a movie, read magazines, listen to music or even just to chat.

Oh it was sad,

oh it was sad.

It was sad when the big ship went down.

Was in the mood for Chinese oldies tonight - the strange Singaporen kind. So I turned to youtube ( definitely the best invented portal ever! ) for help and I stumbled upon this song. :)))

Ahh, Nostalgia.

But I'm no cheenapiang! This song brings back really good memories. At least for me.

About 5 years ago, back in the JC days, we had the world's most fantastic chinese teacher. Her teaching techniques were amazing - all kinds of pattern also have.

Of course she still had those boring textbook lessons, chinese spellings and essay writing classes. But.. she also had lessons which were fun! And trust me, I've never been excited for ANY chinese lessons before her. Well, any OTHER lessons at all as a matter of fact - maybe except Selina Lim's classes. haha. ( She was so hot. )

So anyway, as I was saying, this teacher had brilliant ideas for Chinese lessons. She could spend the whole hour listening to our lame my-dog-ate-my-homework type excuses and still laugh at them. And she just had this very animate and interesting way of describing Chinese proverbs. I know for a fact that PL really liked her lessons and I dare say that almost the entire class or maybe even all her classes enjoyed them too.

I remember once when she made the entire class bring chopsticks for lesson while she prepared plates of peanuts and we spent that whole hour or 2 practicing how to pick peanuts up the 'proper' way. Obviously that wasn't part of the curriculum but that's what made her so cool!

Of course, that didn't turn out too well. By the end of the lesson, most of our chopsticks were casted aside and we ended up gorging ourselves with handfuls after handfuls of peanut. hahaha. Diet plan fail; lesson objective fail.

Then one really stuffy afternoon, she came into class with a cassette player in her hands and she started playing this song. Somehow, I fell in love with it IMMEDIATELY so I asked her to play it over and over and over and over again. ( Come to think of it, I think pom pom and a few others were moaning/grumbling everytime I asked her to play it again. tsk. ) Unfortunately, she only obliged twice and told me that if I were to do my essay by the end of the lesson, she would play it once more.

Already 17 and still I fell for that trick. :( I DID rush through the essay that day but she never kept her word. Then I nagged her into promising to play it once more before we graduated. That never happened too.

What a liar.

haha. Even so, she was still an amazing teacher and even though the song doesn't sound that fantastic anymore, it's still nice to hear it again. :)

I've been living by a new philosophy of late.

That without the want, there won't be any disappointment.. nor anger.

But I'm not sure now if it's doing me more harm or good.

You see to stick fervently to this believe, since the KL trip, I've been living without any expectations or desire for fairness or to fight for anything. If someone irritating comes into the gym and screws with the machine, so be it. If I've spent the last hour waiting for my turn on the treadmill but someone who came in 5 minutes ago just takes over without checking who's behind, so be it. If mother does her various favourtism bid again, so be it. No job? So be it.

So be it.

Everytime I get a sick sense of feeling from inside, I just block it out and keep walking. Keep playing with my camera, or reading those books, or watching my shows. Whatever it is, I just stop entertaining these 'voices'.

And its been working well. I get frustrated less and time seems to pass faster. Except for the gym or for a swim, I hardly go out. Once in a while, I hang out with the usual people but we seldom spend big bucks so it really looks like this is the best way out. I get to save money, and I get to avoid all kinds of emotions that comes with people's criticisms or with disappointments. Better still, mother recently got mioTV and we have a one month free movie subscription for alllll channels.. even the Video on Demand ones and I'm almost the only one who's home in the day time so guess who gets to benefit most from this?

Fender and moi!

But a lifestyle like this can only last for so long. It's like I'm only awake when I'm running or swimming. Everythingelse is on autopilot. And at gym today, I caved and couldn't help but wonder.. is this healthy at all?

I'm soooo behind in my emails to Mara and Rita and Matej and Becky. And I've been using the same excuses over and over... that I've been down with a really bad flu. Which is true except that I'm recovering and I've long past the days where I couldn't "stay up late to write emails ". I just... I don't know. Suddenly I have no idea how to face them. To tell them that I'm still jobless, or that I still want to leave the country, or that mum's still been driving me crazy. ( note the word 'still' in all these old news. ) Or do I tell them how the Montessori job thing has deflated my confidence that much more again and I am utterly sick of sending resumes because Singapore obviously doesn't want me. Or that I'm sick of putting on that mask when I meet family members. Or how I have to hide how much I miss being released from these invisible chains.

All these childish issues. They shouldn't even be brought up anymore. It bores the crap outta ppl but these small things to others are somehow huge weights within me.

Finding a job in Singapore doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Not at all. Even when Montessori was giving me those false hopes, I was excited and happy and all.. but now it seems like the enthusiasm was more for the day I would be able to earn enough to get myself an apartment or a car and a day-time maid for the house so I can show the family how successful I've become despite their murmurs.

I do like and want the job. Especially with its learning opportunity and all but on the hind side, I guess greed was also slowly creeping its way into my brain as I started yearning to be recognized by status.

I once told Agata to always remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it's time I took up my own advice.

I've forgotten how it felt like to think that money is of secondary importance. Or to want to.. try out social work. So maybe this whole Montessori saga happened to help me remember? Ever since that last email exchange with Ah Bert's friend, I've been casting the whole idea aside. Her friend was right - I didn't have the qualifications to be a social worker and they won't want me. So how do you move on when your dream was suddenly strike off the list?

Whichever the case, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever spirit I have by seeking employment locally. Like it's just a routine.. an expectation. Not something I can really feel for. But then again, where can Asians go?

Maybe it's time to sort things out.

That said, I gotta give credit to a whole bunch of friends who have been trying to help me in their own little ways. Especially Jasmine, Xie, PL, Ah Bert, Emily and Mari. ALLLLLL of whom have helped in the ways they know.

Gonna need a shit load of time to get rid of this guilt.

Is it childish to still be this spooked over a nightmare?

I remember how I always wanted to play this on the harmonica outside Ann's dorm.

Listening to this, I know I still do.

2009 has been a strange year thus far.

I started out being plagued with a series of bad luck. It's all in the archives - but in a nutshell, EVERYTHING was going wrong. And I probably wouldn't be able to survive that without the support of friends and a good girlfriend.

FYP happened as well. And it had to take place together with GMS. Tackling both was shit especially with the stress of the final exams. And once again, HUGE credit goes to the one who stood by me through that struggle.

Then came America. I wasn't even looking forward to it to begin with. Well, I was excited about leaving the country and all but I didn't know what to expect. Especially not something as amazing as what I had.

And it started out bad. Hiccups one after another. But these hiccups turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Met and made friends with a bunch of people from around the world. Bonded with pretty much everyone.. ESPECIALLY the 4 of them. Followed my heart for once. Got myself a sister of sort. Earned myself a couple of godparents. Saw the other side of the Taiwanese girls. Had a taste of how an ang moh's fart smelt like. Laughed in the face of a friend-gone-wrong friend. Went insane with ALL of them. Followed my heart again. Experienced the best kind of laughter. Cried through the worst kind of goodbyes. Seen the most unexplainable kind of bond.

... I miss them all; I miss them 4.

Alas, I changed again this year. Disappointed millions of people, got confused as to who I am, and had my attention narrowed down to being self-sustaining. If you know of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I probably went up the pyramid.. by dropping off all the others below.

I became selfish.

I owe huge amounts of apologies to millions of people. I owe it especially to one particular person.

But I also wanna give thanks to billions more this new year. To that same person, to Xie, to the same sec sch clique, to the jc clique, to the uni ones - that means you too mari.

and to my worldwide allies. they know who they are.

Helluva 2009 I'd say.

Happy New Year folks.
And for Auld Lang Syne my friends.