LETS TALK KOK.

2012-02-01T14:12:00.001+08:00

one dosage of drowsy meds, unending sleep.

2012-01-02T12:41:00.032+08:00

Happy New Year, everyone!

I'm a little late this year - not exactly a good example to start the year with..
but wise men says it's better late than never!

Twenty-eleven came and left in a flash. Everyone grew, many things happened, many lessons learned, many smiles captured, many memories etched.

I got bored with the usual pen-my-thoughts reflection so here's a lil something something I've put together. My 2011 - my memories, my good times, my skills, your faces. haha.

For Auld Lang Syne, people!

Given that it's 2012 - and some other wise men says that the world will end this year,
May we all start living like there's no tomorrow.

Here's to a gungho New Year..
Have a rocking one!

2011-12-28T02:05:00.013+08:00

Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Merry Christmas everyone!

Haven't blogged for a long time.. Not sure if I still have it in me.

I don't know why I've stopped writing really. I just went on from being busy to being speechless and then I lost all inspiration to write. Laziness comes with age you know. I did try a couple of times earlier on more eventful days to jot down thoughts, emotions or to self motivate myself for tests and stuff, but the words just didn't flow. So I've archived them and let them be. But it's Christmas! And like what all great movies say, if you can't say it at Christmas, then when can you eh?

Anyway I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was a tad different this year:

My boxing day.... was laddened with CRAMPS! The most torturous form of physical pain. But other than that, this christmas has been great -- not va va voom great, but praise be to god, great.

Each week without fail, Jessica (ex-colleague) would remind me to stream Glee whenever it's released just because i've got so many tests and panic button dates sometimes that i forget it's Thursday... or is it Wednesday, or Tuesday? So last week, I thought I'd surprise her a little and catch it before she does and be the one reminding her instead! Turned out it was the best week to do it. The episode was on Christmas.. which means great music! Remember years ago when i blogged about band aid's " do they know it's christmas?" It was the IT song that episode. But what made this the icing of the cake, was how just days before that when i was rushing the OCIP slides, I shortlisted the very same song for the background music too. Needless to say, I was so engrossed in that episode and in the coincidence of hearing one of my favourite christmas songs, I forgot to remind her AND... she beat me to it again. Haha. Gotta do something about this short term memory.

Alvin and I also decided to go for midnight Christmas mass this year. Not sure why the sudden epiphany but in the midst of his chocolate giving frenzy, we all decided in a split second to go with the mother for a little birthday celebration.

I haven't formally attended mass since Hilda happened and it was exactly at christmas when I last went in to give thanks so formally. I remember part of the reason why I stopped going to church and hated (but in fact secretly loved!) going to midnight Christmas masses before was coz of alllllllll the SACians dressing up to the nines. While I enjoyed daydreaming through the sermons about a fire breaking out or experiencing a terrorist invasion in church and me rescuing the hottest girl there (AKA Audrey), I also remember always feeling like we were out of place what with me in my favourite haiwaiaan shirt - one colour for each week! - and Alvin in his Ocean Pacific shirt and oversized jeans.

So this year, we went prepared! We put on our best available shirts, jeans and shoes, combed our hair, sprayed on just the right amount of cologne and proudly strode into church. but ALAS, we still felt out of place.

No more youngsters, no more hot SACians. Nope, mostly Filipinos and family groups. I wasn't bothered by that though... abit diaooo but not bothered. Until i walked further in and found some of them in hot shorts! Wasn't there some rule about not wearing shorts and slippers to church? Of course there were people who dressed up as well.. but somehow, christmas mass didn't seem as hyped up as it was previously.

Oh well. fashion statements change all the time. Guess Alvin and I were way ahead of our time. Heh.

Cold jokes aside though, this christmas mass wasn't only special because of the lack of well dressed babes but also because we haven't spent christmas mass (or ANY mass for that matter) with mum ever since we had our own wings... and this was the first time we've met sui kim in 2 months! It was sad that we had to do without any family dinner this year because of all the dramas that unfolded recently but i'm glad we managed to work a way through it despite. The next few days were spent secretly sneaking out of the house for mini night cycling and badminton trips without the empress dowager. It felt almost as if Sui Kim and Niao Niao didn't shift out... except for the nagging sense of guilt for leaving grandma alone at home.

So like I said, Christmas was abit different this year. All of a sudden, our priorities switched to home. I mean.. not that we're that mushy, but if felt like an unspoken commandment this christmas not to leave the home empty and since everyone apparently liked making assumptions, alvin turned down his appts to stay home, alex turned down his appts to stay home and i turned down my appts to stay home. haha. not that i'm complaining though. it's nice to be like that once in a while.

Anyway I'm outta here. Long day tml. Plus I'm really in need of zzz after fighting with niao niao for a space on my bed the last couple of nights. (SHE STOMPS ON ME WHEN SHE SLEEPS AND SHE STEALS MY BLANKET AND SHE TAKES UP THE ENTIRE BED!)

Till next time folks,

and a blessed christmas everyone!

2011-12-27T02:34:00.000+08:00

2011-12-25T04:32:00.023+08:00

and yet those months have given me

many treasured moments found
memories i would for a long time keep
Till I'm six feet underground.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

2011-11-22T01:11:00.009+08:00

The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by.
Night steals in, pacing the floor.
The moments creep
Yet I can’t bear to sleep
Till I hear you sing..

And weeks pass, and months pass
Seasons fly.
Still you don’t walk through my door
And in a haze
I count the silent days
Till I hear you sing once more.

And sometimes in darkness
I dream that you are there
But wake holding nothing but the cold night air.

And years come, and years go,
Time runs dry.
Still I ache deep in my core
My broken soul
Can’t be alive or whole
Till I hear you sing once more

And music, your music!
It teases at my ear,
I turn and it fades away and you’re not here!

Let hopes pass, let dreams pass
Let them die!
Without you what are they for?
I’ll always feel
No more than halfway real
Till I hear you sing....

once more.

2011-11-10T12:51:00.006+08:00

kan cheongness + chilli + early morning = major bomb = more kan cheongness.

it's worth it, I won't give up!

2011-11-05T03:11:00.000+08:00

2011-10-28T22:47:00.001+08:00

2011-10-28T12:48:00.003+08:00

After fumbling for several weeks,
the ShaVon mix
is now complete!

2011-10-22T05:31:00.035+08:00

have you ever felt like rage has taken over you and you've lost all control of rationality?
have you ever made so much mistakes, you choose to continue living in one just so you don't have to face the consequences of your actions?
do you believe in the existence of evil spirits?

why does nothing make sense anymore?

so many things have happened recently.. so many people going through pain.
i don't know where to begin.

the maid leaving, sui kim shifting out with janelle, ah ma going crazy/dementia-tive/manipulative/self-pitish/real-pitish, alex threatening to slit mum's throat/ sui ku only blaming, never solving.

with all the juice going on at home, who needs 爱 right?

if you stood beside me and saw the look on grandma's face when she was yelling... if you looked in her eyes that night - that power hungry demon yelling to come out, if you saw how violently sui kim reacted during the fight (i'm on her side btw), if you read alex's messages yesterday, you would know what i mean.

and even without live broadcasts like that, i'm pretty sure deep down, many of you already understand what i'm trying to say. Why did I lose my cool that day? Did i really say that? I will kill you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! We've all had similar days. If you disagree, welcome to ah ma's club.

Question is.. are these the result of our poor anger management as explained by science. Or are these evil spirits messing with our minds as explained by religion (mum. haha.) ?

I think it's a little of both. Because of our poor control of rage, we lose control of our thoughts. And because our spirit is weak, violent thoughts come to mind. I mean, if someone were to piss us off, why don't we think of 'bless you bless you bless you because the bible says we should bless those who curse you!' instead ?

ok maybe something not so loser-like.. but you get the gist!

sure, media plays an big role. but doesn't the weak spirit thing make sense too? do you remember that friend/classmate/acquaintance/relative who never utters a word of violence when they are mad? they exist!

Not just pointing fingers here. I'm a 过来人! or maybe still a 过ing 人. i've wanted to kill my brothers/mother too. I was maybe primary 6? fat, dirty and sitting by the stool at the gate staring them down while they were happily yakking and laughing away.

something like that but less cute and with teeth!

and very softly, i repeated these words like a chant over and over again:

I will kill you. I will kill all of you. I will kill you. I promise one day I will kill you.

I kept repeating that because they were laughing at me. They put me down together to look good and they hurt my pride and mother laughs along with them because she loves them. She doesn't care that they are looking good at MY expense! She just wants to make them laugh because that makes her happy.

except, i can't remember what they were really laughing about. All i knew was that they were laughing at me and I wanted to kill them.

evil spirit? you tell me.

a couple of weeks ago, mum made me so angry with her favoritism, why didn't you just die popped into my head. i didn't mean it.

That's why alex's outburst sent me thinking. How can we both be having thoughts of the similar genre in such a short period?

In psychological terms, the ID was speaking. But isn't the ID, Ego and Superego also represented by the angel and demon resting on our shoulders? How different can science and faith be when it comes to desires and socially acceptable behaviors? Do we explain self-control with brain synapses or prayers?

But I could understand Alex's rage yesterday. I understood how he couldn't at that moment control himself. I could imagine the anger and the frustration boiling. but i also wished he could see how he was snapping over the wrong thing in the wrong way. And i was too ashamed to judge.

Wasn't I, too, facing the same problem just a couple of weeks back? who's to say it's no longer there?

As you all know, Alex and I never had a good relationship growing up. Mother's illness forced us to communicate a little bit more these days but still not (and never will be) in the I-will-share-with-you-my-problems way so why did yesterday happen? Strange as it was, it helped me see things from the other point of view. and i've got a secret to share! i know better than alex what he is really frustrated about. But like grandmother like brother like sister, we're all taking it out on the wrong things/person. Escapists, aren't we all? hehehe.

poor mother. always within the shooting range.

but while you'd think that the recent spate of drama would've thrown us all off the roof, i'm actually surprised that the rest of us are reacting by spending more time laughing and doing stupid things like hunting wild boars in the middle of the night or watching lame shows like sharktopus together . When ah ma acts pitiful, we laugh. When grandma twists the story, we laugh. When she tries using different people to be her pawn, we laugh. And it's really funny - not in the disrespectful way. Did you watch money no enough 2? it's the same kinda funny. Sad funny.

There's nothing we can do except laugh it off and try to take things with a pinch of salt. Grandma has changed alot since Australia. She asks the same question in the same conversation and either forgets information or twists the things she remembers. Everything we do is wrong. Nothing we give is enough. and we are all not prepared for this.

It seems like the only time we feel something close to bitter sadness is during the short period of time a day when she is lucid enough to realize that she has exhausted all her cards and that they aren't coming back. She looks so pitiful it hurts. But as soon as we give in and start giving her what she wants, she forgets the reality of it and her demands gets absurd again.

is contentment really so hard to achieve?

why is it i no longer understand these things?

2011-10-17T02:19:00.001+08:00

2011-10-17T00:40:00.010+08:00

2 days ago, the maid hid in my toilet shaking because she was afraid she would harm grandma.

Yesterday, that maid walked out.

Today, 2 family members packed up and left.

My grandmother. The epitome of insanity.

2011-10-14T00:48:00.005+08:00

many many first times today.

2011-10-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

food poisoning. Weak. Painful. Cold.

2011-10-07T16:04:00.001+08:00

PASS!

2011-10-05T23:41:00.008+08:00

started as strangers, not so queer

you made it through despite the fears

who would've guessed despite the jeers

your secret love made it through the rear.

but things got heated along the way

not as happy as in the day

yet despite the obstacles there you lay

in each other's arms you often say

now things have changed on this special day

and not in your favourite kinda way

one hiding behind shades of tears

the other indulging in endless beer

whichever way you're letting out,

make sure that you never doubt

try to remember the times so near,

ask yourself and see it clear

what is it you really want -

is this a chapter or is this done?

separate ways this time for real,

or back in thy arms, that one so dear?

sigh.

no matter how the rays may shine,

keep this one little thing in mind

it doesn't matter what you both may say

we have all gone down this way

in times of need and sheer dismay

through it all your friends, we'll stay.

2011-09-30T18:12:00.004+08:00

it's not about the money money money.

2011-09-25T14:18:00.029+08:00

finally a day to rest.

Haven't had the drive to write recently. Like having the wind sucked outta me. And quite literally, this flu bug nesting in me right now IS sucking the wind outta me.

Everyday I'm doing these routines.. everyday I straddle the line between spacing out because of all the sudden changes or to beef up and take everything in my stride. Changes are... incredible. The way it hits you, the way it tests you, the way it opens your eyes.

And CIs have the knack to whack you from behind outta no where.

I don't think i've had it worse than everyoneelse from the recent sagas and i count my blessings every single day with the thought of how much worse things could've gotten without his love and his guidance. but that doesn't mean i've been able to get all my emotions in check.

HSM has a song called " put your head in the game. "And I've been doing that every single day. I wake up, I cook, I clean (less!), we go to the hospital, we go to the market, I have my tea, I have my wine (tryna retain some class here you know you know), and albeit increasingly less, I clean the room. All in all, I'm like the part time huang lian po cum tai tai cum bum. Day in day out I tell myself to take pride in my objectives now and to take the chance to pick up new skills and take up the responsibility at home. I really am learning alot in the kitchen but the magic or the will to see things half cup full seems to be vanishing very slowly. I don't hate it now.. but i still feel like i'm running away from something. Reality maybe.

That said, I'm not exactly living the pitiful life most people in my shoes now should be living. quality of life still matters baby! so time is still set aside for tv, to worry about the upcoming RTT test, to throw tantrums, to cycle, to hang out with friends, and to fuss about life in general. It's just less guilt-free and I have to keep an eye out for things at home whenever, wherever, whatever i'm doing. So the pace now is like on interval training. Zoom in zoom out when on the move like in between places, and slow and steady during. Thank god for the car. There have been nice touches here and there lately though.. I've been able to cycle more, I got to jump start my still-rotting-but-very-much-loved camera , I got to meet up with everyone, go to new places, go for a couple of rounds etc etc.

But everyday, anger also seem to be creeping up my back more and more.

i dono if it's the lethargy or the lack of sun or the frustration or the pms or the de-sharonizing effect but it seems like my only form of communicating at home now is by shouting.

" mother, can you stop?! "
" stop changing your mind! "
" i'm cooking la! "
" OHMYGOD. "
" What the fuck? " ( gasp yes, the four-letter-word! )

And i get these waves of anger that hits me before i can keep them in check.

Just the other day, I was peeling the pomelo and it started squirting at me left right centre and I honestly contemplated smashing it!

Too much hell's kitchen on starworld.

i think Mai hit the spot though. in a teacher scary askkk-yoursellffffff-deeplyyyy way. from aust to sharon to home, i haven't had the time nor enerygy to sit down and digest everything yet. everyone wants in on the scoop of things.. but there's really no story to tell. we had a good run, it was real feelings while it lasted and then we went our separate ways. She chose the treadmill while i the road. However you wanna interpret that metaphor. hehe. It wasn't exactly an easy process.. which one will be, really? But i've never let her down and i think that one night, i sought comfort in that and things just kinda lay out after that - especially with all the things i've seen in Aust while it was happening. Travelling alone makes you notice things like that.. and you remember what you wanted in the grand picture. The one you've lost track of. You know how teachers/parents always say to give in your best for your exams and when you fail it, at least you know you've put in your best? i think this was the feeling they were trying to inspire. And quite awkardly, separately the realization tastes sweeter than the win, ceteris paribus of course.

The bitter medicine here however, is saying bye bye to baby. No more smelly breaths, whistle barks, wet paws or standing ears. :(
(NOT GONNA BOND WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S ANIMALS ANYMORE. FENDER FOR LIFE!)

Not saying my family is not driving me nuts though. Mother's favoritism DESPITE; them commenting that I have lotsa free time; ah ma's dramas etc... it's all the same. there's no point ranting on and on, but i want to anyway. HAH! It's a never ending circle. And I've decided that I should just let it go.. but self-inspiring words always sound so much better than the action itself. it still annoys the hell outta me.

And the upcoming RTT really is so not helping.

phew. life!

2011-09-07T12:12:00.019+08:00

The sudden onslaught of critical illnesses is an emotional process.

But what many don't know is how even more physical, mental and emotional things can get during rehab and recovery for both patients and caregivers alike.

we are all deadly exhausted.
and i really miss the sun.

but who's to say mum's random humor would stop?

Was doing speech therapy with mother yesterday and a particular exercise involved reading aloud 10 different words daily and forming simple sentences with them. Yesterday's first word was "establishment."

I was anticipating a simple, nonchalant type sentence but APPARENTLY, the only sentence my mother could think of and felt most appropriate to say out loud was..

"this establishment is managed by Huitann."

hahaha. Guess we never knew how much she liked Huitann.

Thankfully, things are finally starting to stabilize. With her determination and our dedicated care and basic hospital-cat/fish-and-relatives maintenance, mother is recovering and responding well to the many many MANY rehabs and therapies. Alex and i have also slowly started to learn how to share the responsibilities and Alvin does his part too except he's been too far to make most decisions with so he mainly drops by in the evening to provide the extra pair of hands. Most importantly, Mother is getting better at walking and doing basic things independently now so the stress is starting to ease up. Naturally, we still get frustrated with things every now and then and sometimes little dramas do not help but everyday we are learning to cope with them. Thank god! and thank friends who have been showering us with love, surprises, breakfasts, laughter and patience esp during the critical period.

and did i mention the hotel-like room and maisarah's seh therapist who comes everyday, turned back to ask my name and lives only 7 blocks away? (she volunteered that information. HEE. perks.)

2011-09-05T03:41:00.000+08:00

8 years now. love you jin.

2011-09-02T18:34:00.001+08:00

I want my healthy mother back.

2011-08-26T06:25:00.002+08:00

The tea cupboard.

The one so fondly remembered. The one poink and i used to sneak into to make ourselves warm cups of tea in the wee early hours of the morning was still there.

It still held the tea leaves.

Steady old tea cupboard.

Takeaway oxymorons.

2011-08-24T18:35:00.001+08:00

You don't have to be drunk. but high enough to know who you are, be brave enough to pursue it...

And recognize it stupid to go out with only a windbreaker on a winter's night.

2011-08-16T14:49:00.002+08:00

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird, fly.
Blackbird, fly.

Into the light of the dark black night.

2011-08-08T02:25:00.000+08:00

Another bout of cold turkey. I feel like so many metaphors.

Like in a rehabilitation against drugs. Or worse yet.. Like a werewolf unwilling to morph into this strange, ugly creature when the night creeps by.

Waves of calmness surges through me every once in a while and I get awed by the power of it. These surges comes in more often now.. But when the "addiction" kicks in, it's stronger too. It's like each night u gotta let this amount out. If u keep it in too much in the day, it bites harder at night. I Rrmember. And then fall aslp, dream of these ridiculous dreams and wake up with "sinuses."

So cold turkey feels like this.

什么是话?

2011-08-07T09:51:00.001+08:00

So much so the eyes can't open and the head lays heavy.
And the rays sting and the breath musty.

it's the weekend.

Jlim and Lisa brought me to many markets and through an unofficial walking tour around circular quay yesterday. Many picture perfect opportunities. Beautiful skyline. and jlim knew lotsa history that made most landmark even more prominent. Trick is to remember everything he shared though. Heh.

We headed home after to rest before Lisa and I made tortillas for dinner (thank god for yellowstone!) while justin set up inception.

Subconsciously, they lost me half way into the movie. And consciously, I was an empty shell some 30 mins into the next French movie.

Only thing I could remember was the massive shivering bout I had on the walk back to the room. Weather is forecasted to turn wet and cold next week. Shit.

Its been one of the most preculious trip I've ever had:

1) kettle died day two
2) router died day three
3) heater died day four
4) day 7 laptop died
5) day 8 camera broke
6) day 9 all phone contacts mysteriously disappeared!
7) day 8.5 so did the lady.

They say bad luck comes in threes. Mine came in 2 sets of threes. Plus one.

There should be a cap on these things.

Phone call home yesterday's yesterday was very emotional.

U know how I always feel like we're closer whenever I'm away? Same again.

But this time, i was also feeling bad because Ah ma was very emo. After asking and saying the same things over again, she stunned me with a " ah ma 很想你. " and asked at least five times if I could go back sooner.

Ah ma always feels like ah ma only when I'm far away. She asks the right qns that most ppl won't ask/realize. Well, Maybe it's also because she's well travelled herself.. But her care seems genuine whenever I'm away.

It was interesting talking to jlim n Lisa over coffee-slash-tea yesterday. He has grown into a fine man. We introduced Lisa to the Singapore culture and it was really noteworthy to see Justin being able to quote housing and car prices in Singapore. Beyond that, he was able to compare the lifestyles of both Singapore n Australia and point out how that affects our differences in culture. It really isn't that a big a deal knowing all these.. But it's the way he put it that made it beautiful. (and impressive to the girl.)

The art of communication. Never my cuppa tea.

Lisa was great as well. She was very acceptive to what we're saying and she was playing a very good host.

I just wish I could talk better so I get to understand their lifestyle here as well. But lately, I've been choking up more than I did before n tt's not good. Note to self: overcome this before heading back.

Jlim n Lisa often reminds me of charlene n xie. Same same. Minus xie's drama bimbo moments.

Maybe because everyone of them knows what they want in life. And their purpose is to primarily strive towards what they want and to complement each other and be genuinely supportive of each other.. That's why they are so similar.

Jlim resigned 2 days ago. Whilst driving, I overheard him telling Lisa about his dreams and his path thr. There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice when he said that though.. Like a small amt of dejection. Lisa must've felt it as well as she started comforting and assuring him that he's gonna be fine. I know and he knows he's gonna be fine too. Guess he just needed to mourn a little. I only had the chance.. And voice to ask him yesterday if he was worried abt losing his job. He said he was more excited than sad. It's his one step closer to his ideal job.

What an opportunist. What a learning point.

Think I've got what it takes? :

1) kettle spoil? Now everyone knows we gotta PUSH THE TOP IN before boiling the water. Kettle works fine ever since.
2) router crashed? New router! Wei had been complaining abt their router since before I stepped into their house anyway. And wifi is stable now.
3) heater - bought one replacement and lugged it alllll the way back. Now I'm more than just a freeloader.
4) laptop - learnt that it might be cheaper getting a mac here. Mum gave the ok. Might be gg home with a new toy!
5) jlim lent me his cheap cam for now. And his defn of a cheap cam is a canon 400d.
6) lose thy chains.
7) ... new gf? Independence. Grenade.

Heh. Worth a shot.

This trip lacks some hands on adventure.

I get knocked down,
But I get up again.
You're never gonna keep me down!
(and everybody hits me down?)

Ps, you seriously confuse the crap outta me.

2011-08-05T00:35:00.001+08:00

Barf barf puke barf. Blweh.

A darker shade of grey.

2011-08-03T10:53:00.000+08:00

On the ferry to manly. After yesterday's leg and shoulder painful walk through e city, I've decided to ditch the crumpler bag and adopt a more tourist look of carrying my backpack. Wei couldn't stop laughing at how I was yelling 'tourist!' just by appearance alone but I didn't think too much of it until I caught a glimpse of my own reflection on a glass door........ Zomg.

But it's only day 5! I'm not hurting my back so early into the trip. Sigh. price u gotta pay for carrying a dslr.

The sun's bright out today. Perfect day for the beach. Wei and I went to the city for some mediterranean breakfast. For her at least. I stuck to the traditional scrambled eggs and toast since I didn't understand half the menu. We took a short walk to another cafe for tea and coffee thereafter before she headed off for school while i made my way to circular quay.

It's one of those wake-up-feel-like-shit days today. But wei's suggestion of sitting in the sun for some drinks helped. Right now I'm enjoying the light, heat, breeze and fresh air. Which makes diving really tempting.

Fast forward. Done with manly. Initial thoughts? Nothing compared to bondi. It was smaller, the beach smelt of ECP and was littered with seaweed. The seagulls were bold and fish n chips friendly. All in all, nothing Spectacular. but you see, i had to make my $17 fast ferry ticket there worth it so I took off my shoes and started walking along the shores.. TWICE! Namely because I realized I lost my lens cap halfway through e first walk. Probably would be smarter of me to pee before stepping into the water but still, the walk was nice. Comforting. Love beaches. Sun n sea.

Manly itself was like a mini coybow town. Somewhat like Jackson Hole where the five of us used to go to on our off days at yellowstone, only without the cowboys. They had more souvenir stores than what I expected Chinatown to have but the things they have were pretty repetative.

Made my way back for dinner after docking at circular quay. Dua Kim cooked steak today and it was SO good. Medium rare finished with mushrooms, potatoes and a huge bowl of salad. Yum.

Its been only less than a wk here but it alrdy seems like a long time. It's official now. I only like days. The sun makes the cold air just cool. And I enjoy walking to the train station every morning. It's about a 10 min walk.. Ok, maybe 15 for my legs but regardless of how I feel when I wake up, the walk plus the radio channel I listen to blends together to give a very hopeful and powerful sensation.

The same walk many many hours later, though, brings about an opposite emotion. The night gives a sense of hopelessness. And the winter amplifies it.

I don't like that.

So it's hard to say if I'm enjoying or not enjoying my trip so far. I hate how I feel every morn when I wake up, I feel excited (albeit tired!) for the day's adventure when I head out and it gets blue when night falls. Some would say it's a fair mix, no? Well i dont know. Like it when i like it, dont hate it when i dont like it. And we learn smth new everyday eh?

Regardless though, I'm alrdy here so I have to brave on the days and deal with it. It definitely isn't a wasted trip though. I still think it's an experience travelling ard and I did want to put myself to e test so.. Haha. It's the winter la. Gung Ho only.

It's day 6. (wah Liao, one post 3 days.) And I still don't like how it felt when I woke up.

So I'll leave you with a quote:

Focus not on what you don't have but on what you have.

Oh emo hour.

Have a gd day mate!

Oz 1024hrs.

2011-08-02T10:44:00.001+08:00

Wanted to put pictures but been too lazy..

It's freezing today!

The thermometer read 13 degrees and e Internet casted a 19 degree but wei and I both agreed that something must be wrong with the reads as we found ourselves hiding behind 2 layers of blankets. Well, 2 for me at least (up to my ears!) and one for her.. On top of our sweater and thick socks.

It's mee goreng (ie indomie) Sunday so we stayed home and got drunk on movies, huge servings of indomie and orange juice. Movie theatre and dinner tonight! All the food and still no warmth.

After exploring cockle bay warf the other night, I headed out to hard rock cafe to meet JLim, Lisa and their friends for Mat's bday celebration. Mat was JLim's best mate ( just a pretty name for BFF. ) and he had this huge desk of friends there to mingle with. I was skeptical at first and really afraid of mtg so many ppl with my weird singlish accent but it wasn't that bad. Actually it wasn't bad at all. I wasn't able and wasn't willing to jump among friends like they did but those ard me were friendly enough and that's good enough for me. Any more that night and I might be frightened away, actually. Esp when I wasn't too friendly with them.

Wei came down to meet us after her dinner with her friends and a grp of us headed back to tokio bar for a few rounds of drinks. I was also formally acquainted to Lisa, JLim's gf and she's very hospitable. And apparantly also very comfortable ard the home.

The 4 of us shared a cab back and that cost us.... $99.90!! Finally not complaining about comfort cabs.

Yesterday wei brought me down to bondi beach after jlim's big breakfast and a huge bowl of Vietnamese pho (pronounced "furrrr.") for lunch. We strolled on the sand to the other end where we climbed to bondi lookout just in time for sunset. Our new proclaimed emo spot. Really beautiful.

Next was home for Dua kim's lagsana then movie marathon alllllllll the way.

31 July 2011. unknown oz time.

From host to guest.

2011-07-29T16:43:00.001+08:00

Been a long time since I did this. Let's see if I still have it.

Freezing at cockle bay warf now. It's cold out. Lotsa boats, cold air, beer. The high life.

Woke up this morning in the cold, shivered my way to the toilet, took a warm bath and smiled at how this reminds me of yellowstone. Not that close of course, but at least thr's a similarity.

Amidst the joy though (and of course), there's also emptiness somewhere within. Without you and with the feel of losing you. Things haven't been the same since... Thedaythatshallnotbenamed. Not sure whose fault it is. A little of both perhaps. i wish we could work it out Iike we've promised n discussed, but Guess it's If she comes, she comes. Words can't explain this.

Pretrip was great except for the bout of guilt towards mum. Haha. I must've whined kang to death.

Flight was also ok yesterday. Better than ok actually! Except for the crazy roller coaster like turbulence, I loved everything of it. The stewardesses were professional and food was non stop! Not forgetting the in flight entertainment!

And this morning, wei and I got locked outta the house So I had to climb the gates and fight a baby cockroach for the spare keys. Thank god no one called e cops. Hah.

Despite everything, I'm gonna fully utilize my overpriced $900 trip here. Hope for the best, expect the worst eh?

Will talk more when the chance comes. Finger's freezing up. Hunger's acting up.

Bye folks.

Oz 643pm.

2011-07-25T03:24:00.004+08:00

Hail Mary full of grace
the lord is with you.
Blessed are you amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary mother of god,
pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Our father who art in heaven,
holy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Do not bring us to the test
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace
the lord is with thee.
blessed are you amongst women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary mother of god,
pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Our Father who art in heaven
holy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Do not bring us to the test but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Our father in heaven.

2011-07-21T14:53:00.001+08:00

So I have learnt today/yesterday that mentally preparing myself and emotionally preparing myself..

doesn't neccessarily equate to not feeling useless and incompetent.

and terrible.

piangpiangpiang.

2011-07-12T16:09:00.005+08:00

spent the last few hours drafting the invitation.

but i feel like a fool feel like a fool feel like a fool.

saw this coming.

still i feel like a fool feel like a fool feel like a fool.

能元谁? 元自己吧!

2011-07-12T02:24:00.001+08:00

Which hell so bold
or heaven so ignorant,
to keep me away from you,
my love?

2011-07-07T05:21:00.001+08:00

To serve as a prelude.

Mumble rumble.

2011-07-03T20:32:00.001+08:00

Virtuous. Virtue. Peer. Peers. Block. Big. DURIAN SEASON!

Micah. :(

2011-06-24T13:02:00.015+08:00

平凡
也是一总幸福.

ten thousand fireflies.

Pa.

2011-06-20T00:00:00.001+08:00

Happy Anniversary.
Happy Fathers' Day.
Happy Birthday.

Friday Friday get'in down on friday.

2011-06-16T20:21:00.001+08:00

Hate to, Have to, laugh at myself sometimes.

2011-06-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

Birds fly over the rainbow,
why then, oh why can't I?

2011-06-05T03:59:00.008+08:00

all the beauty in the world unite.

2011-06-01T16:39:00.004+08:00

Suddenly Cheena.

Mai has left.
Sadness overwhelms. But self-reliance awaits.

Or so I hope.

I've always had a thing for goodbyes. A bad thing, that is.
Never understood the concept of it. Never understood why I should welcome new friends, new ties, new things when everything has to end.

Never liked goodbyes.

But no goodbyes were tougher than the one at Yellowstone. The agony of having the entire camp wake up early in the morning to bid farewell. To have to pack your bags in the wee hours of the morning with such dread and reluctance to go. To hold back your tears and suck back your emotions when going around for the final hug or to turn back and see Kelsey and Nick chasing after the van.

It is too bad no one around understands that. Yellowstone is nothing but a myth to all. The wild, the nature, the self-discovery, life of no technology and the convenience to turn ignorant. That's the beauty of country life. You hold a job.. not necessarily for wealth and fortune but just enough for food and lodging and some savings, you end work at the precise time so you have the luxury to unwind and pursue a hobby, you gather at anywhere convenient, you take a hike whenever necessary, etc etc. Things are slow and less complicated. Utopia, really. But could we realistically live on that?

When I first returned to civilization and was on my verbal rampage with xie, KS and PL, I remember telling them this was the extreme and that no more farewells would hurt since the bar had been set.

I couldn't be more wrong.

June and Mai said yesterday that this is not a final farewell. That we are all still in Singapore and that maintaining in contact was no biggie. How I wish I could see things from their point of view. Instead of shrinking the impact of facing departures, Yellowstone, in retrospect, distorts my concept of reality. Are farewells really that hard? Are bonds really that difficult to maintain? Or have the ultimate separation poisoned whatever optimism i should have for the future -- or faith on friendships.. and people that matter?

The facts are clear. Those who mattered, and whom you matter to would stay. Loo and gang have stuck by for 11 years; PL, ah bert and all for 6; Eng is still dropping me colourful pictures of encouragement/thoughts, Sean nee is still taking the initiative; Celia and Wichan has been here TWICE; Matej and I are still writting; Kelsey and I are still chatting.. and the list goes on.

Those who mattered stays.

But why do I fear the future so much if the track record's been set? Do I fear losing those who matter? Or do I fear not mattering to the people who mattered to me?

oh i know this is more of a chicken or egg question. I just had to ask.

whichever the case, Mai, Grace told me she misses you. you can still take back your resignation letter. *kinky wink.

and I'm not used to the empty seat beside me already. (all other mushiness, you already know!)

I am approaching yet another crossroad in life. A huge one at that.

How did I allow myself to become so jaded?

Feel like I've lost hold of who I am. Or however little me i've known myself to be. I'm overwhelmed with changes and I'm finding it hard to keep my head abreast. Or to keep myself in check. And the thing is, I'm not only talking about changes in my surroundings, I'm also talking about the changes within me.

Can't help but cave in to the nagging feeling that it's time to find out who I am. Loo says that everyday is a road to self-discovery until the day we die.

How true. But why then do so many people seem like they know exactly what they are doing?

Have you ever found yourself wondering what courses of action you should take when a situation arises? Like you know you can react this way or that.. but you don't know which exactly to because.. you don't know the persona you're supposed to adopt. If your answer is yes, congratulations. You are as lost as I am.

I recently find myself in that predicament far too often for comfort. And it bothers me that I never know how to react simply because... i don't know what kinda person I am.

Maybe I knew myself better when I was the more impulsive, younger Yvonne. Or maybe I was better at reacting to situations based on what would ignite the best sparks. Now though, I want to choose a path that best fits me. And I want to react according to what I really want and not what people expects outta me.

who am i today?

Am i withholding all my frustrations? Or have i really gone numb to everything? If I really have turned stone, why am i still hiding at that corner so many times a day?

I used to advocate following your heart. Mai taught me to think with my brains. So what's a fair balance? what am i made up of? what are you made up of? 100% heart, 30-70? 60-40? what.

One junction, three paths.

1) half cup full.
2) u-turn.
3) blessing.

Guess I can only trust that in time to come, I will choose the right one based not on anythingelse but solely on the path that I want to embark on.

I am confused with the world, myself and i. Every dirty secret I learn of CM makes me wonder if this is the world I have to face everyday as i grow older. Every escapism of us I see makes me wonder.. of what, I no longer know. And everytime I see how many people, many colleagues no longer spare a thought for one another anymore, I'd wonder.. if I've become one of them.

There are just way too many thoughts in my brain and it's starting to fry. Sometimes I feel like a schizophrenic.. trapped in my own mind of words, suspicion and doubts.

But amidst the darkness my mind sounds to be, I sometimes also see a glimmer of light. Sometimes, somewhere. I see changes in my actions too -- but how real, or how long it'll be I do not know. My mindset's changing.. but is it for the better or is it for the worse?

Kang's hairstylist said something I found rather impactful -- " advocate change from within then others will follow. " wise words indeed. I need to change myself and to change my mindset before everything can be set in order. But things are nevertheless, always easier said than done.

Really tempted to pull an eat.pray.love soon.

So convincing is my lie to Grace about going to America to re-discover myself, I find myself tempted to really disappear once more.. so I get to know who i am truly inside. And the more Grace preaches about me having a mother who makes the gravest mistake of not letting me explore me for me (geddit geddit?), the more I want to break free.

What is my calling, what is my direction? If I strip myself of all material possessions and desires, what is my innermost need?

It is funny how I used to ask Kang the same question and now she seems to have a clearer path laid out than me. haha. funny, but still, undeniably proud of it as well.

always easier to say others than to reflect, they say.

aye! talking too much again.

hold me to bed, rock me to sleep.
unkang me the way i need.

谁不想自由
却忘了该付出的温柔

痛哭过后会否比较好受
放开过后
或许会更自由

很多时候
我们只是在寻找借口

什么是成就
只要你微笑着点头

欢笑过后
会否一直回首
失去以后
才学会如何看透.

回忆里什么陪我们走到最后
还不是哪些--

最简单的温柔

2011-05-31T21:23:00.003+08:00

Thank you, thank you.
A million times thank you.

2011-05-31T12:02:00.001+08:00

"Such beauty. Surely you are one of God's own creations...and not a descendant of those dark creatures who found no refuge on the Ark.

Such beauty... and yet deadly."

Such wonders, such calm. such joy.
Yet it feels more like the final meal before an inmate hangs.

i can't read your body language.

but you seem to be the only one who can make my eyelids heavy.

WHY?

you know how I always say if I wanted something hard enough, I 'll get it sooner or later.. even if it's after wanting it?
You think it'll work if I started wanting what I want sooner rather than later?

heh.

my mind.. is in a whirlpool of words.

Changes don't inch in bit by bit.
They swarm.

And I feel like I'm struggling for air.

2011-05-30T02:53:00.006+08:00

Kinda like that but without the cheering, notes burning, bright future and non stop partying.

To borrow Xie's native tongue, grey.

Plus.

bye bye mai mai in 2 days.

2011-05-28T22:06:00.008+08:00

One day hero, one day zero.

Today, we were heroes...
:)

2011-05-27T19:58:00.001+08:00

Recalling..

Recalling Eng
Recalling Sean nee
Recalling Ellen
Recalling void deck
Recalling the motorbike
Recalling mai's first day
Recalling first scare
Recalling second scare
Recalling hope
Recalling fear
Recalling lost
Recalling found
Recalling anger
Recalling pride
Recalling third scare
Recalling bravery
Recalling regrets
Recalling drowning
Recalling grasping
Recalling tears
Recalling pain
Recalling joy
Recalling hands
Recalling face
Recalling breeze
Recalling uncertainty
Recalling hair
Recalling butterflies
Recalling fire
Recalling knife
Recalling rock
Recalling pride
Recalling stillness
Recaling empty spaces
Recalling goodbyes
Recalling loneliness
Recalling love
Recalling peace
Recalling want
Recalling smiles
Recalling anguish

Seeing joy

Feeling baby

Grace Lora Sharon. Feel like i'm drowning.

2011-05-27T17:54:00.001+08:00

I wish my mum could talk from my heart as well as Lora does.

2011-05-27T15:01:00.002+08:00

Not the kinda emotion I'm supposed to have.

And it's not coz of CM.

2011-05-25T17:07:00.005+08:00

They're secretly back!

and ~~they brought me~~ we went to have this really spicy ma la steamboat which immediately made me best friends with the toilet at dinner, through the night and this morning.

WAR!

Retribution on Redemption Central.

2011-05-23T21:03:00.001+08:00

Many many years ago, I hit the lowest point in any relationship. The darkest, rather. i was immature and childish. Perhaps we Both were. We always looked at the surface of things. We fought for the sake of fighting, whispered sweet nothings because we were influenced by the media, apologized not because we meant it and made many moves the young would've done. But I went overboard. I made a huge mistake. And I did disgraceful things against my conscience. I never was able to face up to that. Not even in talkkok. and I lived with that mistake, convincing myself that since she did me wrong first, i was entitled to payback. I carried on with the abuse. Thinking I'd have my chance to apologize even if it were to be on my deathbed. Make it a little melodramatic, you know.

I just wanted her attention then. And I opted the wrong path.

But as I grew older, my conscience bit back harder.

I was lucky only because she didn't turn the cops on me then. I would've been in alot of trouble. That was how big the deal was.

And still, I took it for granted and lived with that lie. I even carried it to the generations after. My ONLY act of redemption was an annoyomous apology to the people involved each year, for many years after.

I was an asshole. I still am.

And 2 weeks ago, I had a reality check.

Pau's death.. the abruptness of it made me fear the reality AND possibility of dropping dead without making up for my misdeeds. And my daily bad habits just increases that possibility like only a thousand times.

I panicked. Admist the grieve then, I was also scared. When news of pau's death hit me right in the middle of a frustrating ride, I not only felt the shock and lost, I also felt like a scumbag. Even though it had nth to do with pau. Weird time to feel that way, I know. But it's hard to explain how weird emotions hit u randomly. I guess that's when you realize how important some matters are to you. At least it seemed to me like I had to do smth about it.

I hated that kang kang was out galavanting when it happened. I hated that I couldn't reach her when I needed her. I hated it very much. And truth be told, i regreted contacting her immediately. For expecting her comfort. At least for a while.. Until I realized that it will always be like this. She would only be almost here.

I hated that reality. And i So badly wanted to punch walls again.

That whole week was a mess. My mind was fried.

But a couple of painful days later, I took my first baby step to coming clean. It wasn't all smooth like it would be in the movies and i hit a huge wall along the way but on the whole, it went alright. Very reality kind. We have still been in contact but we've always had our qualms, awkwardness and distrust. Still, it was one step closer to apologizing and addressing the issues. To be honest, I just wanted to selfishly ease my conscience but she was nice about it. We didnt address the issue per se, we spoke in riddles and I can sense the hesistation she had in trusting me abt it but she was very kind and forgiving. And she tried to sound assuring, like how she did when we first started talking again, that she had put that matter behind her.

I didn't feel good immediately, and I still don feel like a saint now. But I'm still glad I took that step.

Lately, kang kang and I reminds me of those days. Not in the dark way. But that it's a retribution of my past actions.

But again, with all honesty, I think that on one hand this is retribution, on the other, I can't help but feel like kang to Her bf, to me, and to herself was how I was before. All separately n Less evil, no doubt. But the similarity exists.

I couldnt let go of that person because, i was in comfort. And i couldnt deal with losing. I was uncertain of my path in life and I wanted everything in my possession. And that I feel, FEEL, is what she has w her bf.

I really don't know much about their r/s, I dono what she told me before were e truth n I have no right to pass that kinda comment but the fact that after only a few months, ah Bert n her bf broke up just so she can be with Aloy n alvin's Korean chick broke up just to e with him makes me feel so much worse.

I want to be a supporting sister and listen to not only his woes but also his joy. Yet when he started telling me what happened, I had to shut him up. I know he didnt and wouldn't blame me but I still feel like a unsupportive, immature sister no less.

But I just couldn't deal with being the inferior good in our tri-partite relationship.

Back then, I blamed the world for everything. I blamed her for leaving me, god for abandoning me, I blamed and blamed and blamed and never self reflected. Even if I did, it was all for show. But I knew I didn't mean it. That, again what I FEEL, is kang to herself.

Feel.

And finally, to me, this is what I think is repeating history: Back then, our feelings to the other was to spite one another. To la sai so the conversation wouldn't turn stale.

Isn't that what's happening now? We stab one another. But nth gets solved.

Of course, It may not all be true. But I can't deny that a part of me feels like we are seeing things on different level because I've done it myself before.

And i was worse. I was a scumbag!

And this is my retribution.

I have had good and bad days since we parted. I guess you could say life has been rather hectic. My days have been packed frm the moment I got up till I shut my eyes. I have been kept busy with activities. I managed to do the same 2 routes, plus additional cycling w ks, night cycling with loo n gang, had a gd lunch with ah Bert, had a one hr rendezvous with Sharen, had my nightly indulgence, met mai's replacement, tried ks's Bibimap, had a short chat with ht, badminton etc etc etc. So much activities I could feel like a whole new person.

But how much truth is there to that I wonder. Am I busy enjoying my days or am i trying to keep myself occupied so I can end each day peacefully?

Falling asleep is no longer a problem. It's the staying asleep I'm afraid of. And the waking up. Ohh the waking up.

Mother recenty revamped the room to kang's concept she did months back. I loved it with all the privacy and bedside wonders. and when I saw it for the first time, my first instinct was to snap a picture to send it to kang.

But HAH. what's to send to who?!

I had to delete that picture.

If I focus on the good things, things are not that bad. Perspective again. Anyone can do it. But u know how it's not so easy to see things half glass full all the time. Takes lotsa will power. And I'm really very tired.

There are times where I really feel like picking up my phone and giving her a call. But thinking of how she's gonna hurt me again and not realize it makes me stop in my track.

I really miss the happy moments. but i also dread the hurtful ones. And While she made me feel worse about myself throughout the year, she also made me feel like I want to be someone better. Fitter, richer, mature-er.

So how do you make the shot?

There's a quote in free willy 3 that goes like this:

"Do you have to do the right thing even if it hurts?
That's what makes doing the right thing hard."

So this is how it feels like.

Well surprise surprise, I don't like it.

2011-05-23T16:54:00.001+08:00

Strangers, again.

2011-05-23T03:36:00.007+08:00

".. wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms,
or perhaps something as simple as not being second."

- The Notebook.

2011-05-20T21:17:00.001+08:00

別想你
忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心
有些事也要过去

心很痛
痛得不想再做我自己

別回头
情已去緣已盡

很想你
也不是因为失去你
愛了你
用进我全心全力
一生情
只为这一次与你相遇
情难了
难再續难再醒

Strangers before.

2011-05-19T22:12:00.001+08:00

It sucks when you're puking but you have nothing to puke.

Regrets I have none. Just a huge dash of disappointment.

I am tired of the questions teachers have of me. I am sick of meeting their doubtful eyed when they ask me of you. They don't believe that I don't know how ill you are. Or sound. Only letchmi believes. Only she defends.

You just leave me facing your music.

But if I can miraculously meet someone who is bravely facing the breakup of a 3 yr relationship today - at work no less - why can't I face about a yr of this so called "infactuation" or not-so-relationship?

Why should I give a damn to someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

All you have to do is run into safe heaven whenever trouble hits you. And it's what you do all the time.

Who's to blame? You are surrounded with people who cozies you. Who spoils you. I was guilty of that too..

But have you really spared a thought for those who have invested hope, faith, believe.. and feelings for you?

I thought u were different. I saw hope, future and potential in you.

Angry, I still am. But not as much as the disappointment I have.

Not as much as.

Well, run to your safety net then. That's a big deal to you. It has always been about you anyway. What difference does it make now?

Who did I know before?

Not like him, I'm an oldies gal.

別想你
忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心
有些事也要过去

心很痛
痛得不想再做我自己

別回头
情已去緣已盡

很想你
也不是因为失去你
愛了你
用进我全心全力
一生情
只为这一次与你相遇
情难了
难再續难再醒

人分飞爱相随
哪怕用一生去追

我又怎么能追得回
与你相慰

我为你慈为你累
风雨我都不后悔

我又怎么有路可退
会經深情你给了谁

I hope you're glad you've done me in.

Take good care of her.

2011-05-19T16:52:00.001+08:00

2011-05-18T03:14:00.002+08:00

" This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. "

- Palahniuk.

i thought, i thought, i thought. I thought deep and hard!

but little did I expect you to allow history to repeat itself.. much less so fucking soon after we spoke about it. I can't believe I let you do this to me again. I can't believe I spent the past few days trying to understand how you think. And I can't believe how I can't run away from how real the pain is even when in sleep. Is that all you see me as? Someone to feed some lame excuse or scream at just to have it your way before completely disregarding the entire conversation? Disregarding what it meant to me! How could I be so stupid. Disappointment is an even sharper cut than just jealousy.

Well done, you. you've got your thrill.

happy now?

2011-05-16T15:29:00.000+08:00

Hate.. Drowsy..... Medicines....... Zzzz

2011-05-15T04:27:00.000+08:00

Always almost here,
Only almost here.

2011-05-10T18:08:00.001+08:00

What are words?

Its been a crazy 2 weeks. And I’ve been craving good music.

I haven’t been listening to most of my tracks since all the drama started. Haven’t had the mood, haven’t got the time, haven’t got the energy.

But I did so today. And I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Most songs.. had memories.

Kang kang and I… came a long way too, I guess.

There are too many things I can’t let go. Too many things I don’t know about her. And as I counted ~~votes~~ survey results (too much GE drama!), I put on those songs that I used to listen to, am still listening to and had hoped and reserved for better times.

I think if I were to put them all together, I can come out with one, if not, TWO, soundtracks for our very own The ShaVon Movie. Maybe our movie could even be made a musical!

I’ve got a (or mannnnyyy) tune(s) for every phase. Lyrics, that completely relates and music that still shoots me back to yesterday-s.

These songs describe our journey. And like how all great movies are, the first songs are the soft ones. One filled with hope, with mischief and with courage to venture into the great unknown.

I still listen to the songs I put on loop when we first got close; Songs that reminds me of the first time she made me cringe from the wheezy butterflies in my belly, the music I blasted whilst showering after the first time I sent her back; our nights out together; The first time she popped a stupid question that made me come clean to myself (oh, and to Mai and Ks and Xie and Lene and HT – who reacted with a very nonchalant – I told you so. thankyouverymuch.)

I was like a king! And I saw my name in shinning light!

The first challenge was when he started coming back I guess. I started to feel… slightly used. Slightly insecure. And slightly confused. Keane sneaked in then to remind me that everybody’s changing.

But then the music got rough. Offspring rough. She had to disappear. She took us as fools as we fussed, fumed and got worried about what happened to her. While I went on one of the greatest rollercoaster rides I’ve ever had, friends and colleagues who had initially been worried started to get mad and disappointed. In this phase, they were the beautiful notes – the ones that drew calm from the noise. And more surprisingly, I stumbled upon the perfect song to match that moment. To match how I felt when I found out that she went for a movie with him while everyone was still trying to makes sense. When fed-up colleagues still tried to reach out to her for fear that she may really be having some problems. When she left me hanging.

Things got melancholic thereafter. My greatest leap of faith yet. With Yellowstone, I knew I wanted that. But with million dollar baby.. this was the test. Should I trust her or should I not?

I took the plunge. (Insert OSTs from city of angels.)

And despite all the red flags raging in me, despite everyone’s caution, I remember constantly telling myself to place trust in her.. since I chose this path.

When I play the songs I listened to during PGL’s parenting talk the first week she was back, I still remember that pain of abandonment. I still feel sick in my gut. I still despise myself in the same way creep did. Then I turned to one or two church songs – the very little I know. The music I played the whole night.. one of the times I was stuck in the car under her block. The ones I used to replace prayers I couldn’t say.

With time, things got better. The music was melodious again! Peace to the world! And things got a little cheena as well. These were the good KL days. The HZGG days where I would annoy everyone in the office, annoy Mai and annoy about everyone staying in the apartment with us with my renditions of ni shi feng er, wo shi sha. Those were happy days. It was irritating that she was texting non –stop. But it was one of the calmest times ever. Even listening to it now brings a kind of calm in me. And of course, of how I made lineline go gaga over it as well.

But you know how all good things come to an end?

Everytime he was back, she’d go. Whenever he’s off, she’d come back. This went on and on.. until KS ‘slapped’ me awake. I was fighting with my mum, I was fighting with my friends, I was fighting with myself. And all just to be a spare tire.

I needed answers.

But all she could answer me then was… “ close close friend. ” All other questions she didn’t give a hoot. All whilst in his arms. But I held hope. Despite all the negative connotations, I imagined me and her. And I had the movie as inspiration. How cool was that?!

She didn’t leave as well. And I was more focused on that than how cheap I felt. And at the same time, how convinced I was of being better than him. Better for her than him. Evita came into play then. I believed that I’d be surprisingly good for her. And it was good indeed. Despite my insecurities and my confusion with her contradicting actions, the songs were calming, bouncy and filled with life.

I decided to Stay.

And I fell over. I was thinking of her day in day out. I was finding excuses for her. I was angry.. but I could never ever tell her that I was. I was losing more and more. Losing, in fact, more than I gained. But that very little I gained, I loved.

Xie showed up again here. Xie and Lene accepted her. They accepted that I was not going anywhere. And so did Mai and KS. Even though they were less than willing to, Mai and KS accepted my decision. It was this period of time where I wasn’t even hiding my feelings towards her anymore.

We started to get busy with Concert. Things were a little woozy here. Too much clouds in my head as we holedown throwdown-ed. Drama erupted in the K2 class as woosa polluted the school. Everywhere everyday every morning – woosa here woosa there. And I didn’t even know what that meant! – exactly like how I was feeling then.

I remember her glow on stage that night. I remember feeling so proud. And I remember Mai smacking me hard on the head when I said that out loud. Ass.

Even though I knew she was at his place that night.. I couldn’t be bothered to get affected by it too much. I let it pass. Guess I was holding on to some hope. Happy la, I was.

After concert, it was period of Hai Dai Tian Xin? I dono.. some Taiwan show. I liked it very much. For a while that is. Until I discovered more things. Now I hate that show. Sadly after getting Xie and Lene hooked onto it. Xie even made me play it for one of our failed music making sessions! Faint.

2011 came. Things went off on a good start. Except for the same… anger. Insecurity. Yada yada yada. All the same things.

I went to Sipadan. Beautiful Sipadan. She made feel so.. important. So possible to have something without being overly-sticky. So assured that we could have trust. I felt Lucky.

But just like the China trip, things were… va va voom after I came back. One day I was happy with the way she was talking to me, the next, she hid things. One, two, three..

For the first time since handing her the benefit of the doubts, I feel her slowly straddling outta the circle of trust. I was starting to doubt her words. Her pass lies suddenly came flooding back. I started questioning many things she told me previously.

And she proved all her words wrong.

I was mad. I was pissed and disappointed. I was… I felt like I needed a little respect when I was weak. I loved the way she lie when I was fed with rage.

I wanted to 放手，放开所有.

She made her choice, didn’t she? She was on the Island king of love.

Or so she said I thought she was.

Leaving her then was a real pain. I had to listen to a lot a lot a lot a lot ALOT of songs of strength. Chinese, English.. and I’m sure if I knew any malay ones.. I’ll take it as well.

But one super duper embarrassing event later, we came clean.

And again, (albeit falling asleep halfway through!) she made promises. She asked for time.

Words, again.

I prayed. And I believed.

For a while, it was all classical music all around. Love story, Romance de Amor. Pain hidden in comfort. Super cheesy days.

But I knew I was happy when I had the same cringy feel sometimes when we touched.

From there on, it was happy, not happy, happy, not happy. She was very nice. She tried her best to assure me, she tried to not do what I did not like. She was great.

But I guess she tried to make him happy as well. And quite obviously, our likes and dislikes would clash.

So she hid stuff from me again. And she stayed at his place... and not just once. Even after we spoke about it. This time it’s different though. It wasn’t like the times before. We were supposed to have a respect for one another. Try as I might, I couldn’t swallow it. I let the first one go. We went on a real nice date on the flyer. But I really couldn’t swallow it.

Jason Mraz kept me in check a little. But come the week after, BOOMZ! ONE MORE TIME! I swear I could do a little El Tango De Roxanne here.

God. I wasn’t just angry. I was tired as well. Like exasperated. And dong li huo che and Richie Ren told me to 算了吧，就这样忘了吧。Those were the Mr Nice Guys. Rihanna, on the other hand, asked her to take a bow.

But on good days, I just feel like a certain Mr Brightside.

So I guess from there on, things.. were/are rocky. I have been afraid of being vulnerable to her again. I don’t not care. But I don’t dare to care either.

Paulnana’s death.. well, it shook me. And when I couldn’t reach her, I guess.. I finally experienced what it meant to be too tired to move spiritually.

Songs these days are a little more varied. They are my cycling tracks. The emo kind. The soft rock kind. Mixed with all the old ones. And many more HZGGs.

I like my current playlist - long nights, little girl, taylor swift.. you name it I have it. But I especially like what are words.

That song speaks.

This journey… has reminded me very much of my mum. Of my family. And how I’m always the compromisable one. But anger aside, I’m also starting to wonder if I am the reason why people treat me this way. Is it my lack of self-discovery that’s making people spit down at me?

On the flip side though, you also get to see who respects your choices and who doesn’t. You win some, you lose some.

So why am I talking so much?

....

We made a very tough decision yesterday. At least for me, it was.

And I'm not having the best of times now.

But regretful or not, I don’t think I could stand being a spare tire… or an insignificant another for much longer.

I know, I know she's not as bad. And I can't say I don't miss her.

Guess I just didn’t matter enough.

And anyway, I think she’s coping better than I am.

One step at a time, one foot after another.

heh. Maybe we should name our album..

Strangers, again.

2011-05-09T19:55:00.002+08:00

One week on..

I'm still looking at paulnana's fb profile.

When jin died, I felt like it was a terrible waste. At 15, she hasn't done much. Again, we couldn't over cry. We had the Prelims to focus on. We had the council to take care of. We had to be the pillar for our juniors. They were counting on us for directions. But for paulina, without the juniors, why are we still trying to be strong? Why do I feel so strongly about holding it back for ppl like Wenxi and Joanne? What is this sense of comfort - that she didn't had to go through much pain. That this was what she wanted?

But still, despite this knowledge, it aches.

Paulina's death has brought about.. A lot of uncertainties. Alot of questions. Alot of regrets, Alot of fears.

One week is perhaps about time I snapped outta it. Mourning is such an overused word, it doesn't even feel right to mourn.

I very much want to grieve. But you know you can't when everyone is celebrating her life, and not mourning the loss.

You'd think that after jin, surprises like these would not affect you anymore. That is such a wrong concept. You'll never know how it feels like to lose a friend... Until you lose a friend. Where do they go? How did they feel?

But if there's a silver lining to her death, it is this:

Her death has brought about a greater faith in god. We see her making a scene in heaven.. Making whoever's waiting for us, whoever's waiting for their loved ones, laugh. And she must be irritating the shit outta the early departed now.

That is so paulnana. The pau I knew, the pau I hear she still is.

But how do you describe the loss you feel as well? Close friend or not, once close friend and now no longer or not, acquaintance or not, how do you express the loss of someone you knew? Someone you used to laugh with and hang out with? Someone who thanked you profusely just coz you cut short a much anticipated trip around the country with the rest so she catch her breath? It was my duty to make that call, pau. But you were respectful. You were thankful. You blamed yourself. And I didn't say enough to comfort you.

Tried ecp again the other day.

That was a deep sense of dread. Like as you approached it, you lose all energy. It was a painful ride. One I never want to go through again. But Mai was right, I had to overcome it.

And I'm glad I did.

So I pray. In god's name, I pray. For Paulina.. For her family, for her best friend, for everyone who misses her and hate themselves for being lazy to call on her.

May they continue to find peace and unexplained calmness in the parting of someone so dear and someone so miraculous.

Pau, may you enjoy his kingdom.

Her pastor said the other day at her funeral.. there are no lights in heaven. Yet there is no darkness in heaven either. For our father is so glorious he makes it bright.

For the first time in my 24 years, I related to it. That's all I remember.

But sometimes I can't find his light. I feel his warmth alright.. But where is the light? The thing that illuminates it all?

Although I'm glad I had a eventful, self-making weekend, I think I'm starting to experience the effects of sleep deprevation. 2 hours of sleep a day is killng. But I can't sleep. Do you know that? I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not fully utilizing my youth. I'm not seizing the day nor taking control of my life.

I am nothing but a mere dog, being dragged around by a leash. All day, everyday.

Where is my dignity? What is my right?

Do you understand the pain of losing again and again? Losing in life, and losing through death. If you are going to lose all one day, why not lose all now once and for all?

No one will understand how it feels like. To feel it but also knowing that you're not supposed to be feeling it.

Oxymorons again. For they so fill the world.

Gambai my friends.

2011-05-09T11:11:00.005+08:00

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear..

Another's. She will be another's. As she once belonged to my kisses.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

-- Pablo Neruda.

2011-05-07T07:11:00.000+08:00

Elohim, god on high.
Can you hear your people cry?

Help us now,
this dark hour.

2011-05-05T15:59:00.008+08:00

Shalom, Paulnana..
Shalom.

How long/Who can/Why does.. one grieve?

Goodbye my friend, be safe my friend,
at peace, at peace.
L’hit-rah-oat,
Till we meet again,

Shalom,
Shalom.

2011-05-01T01:52:00.000+08:00

you live, you learn.
you love, you learn.
you cry, you learn.
you lose, you learn.

2011-04-30T03:43:00.005+08:00

0:02

hmm, 我知啊.

but this time I sian already.

like seriously.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And
taking
control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside!

2011-04-28T23:23:00.001+08:00

Too weak to think too sick to behave.

I can't leave you why don't you leave me instead

2011-04-27T14:57:00.009+08:00

I don't like what the heels mean.

i don't see you i angry.
i see you i angry.
now i see your shoes i also angry!

wahliaothenhow?

AND Mai has gone over to the other side.

She liked those shoes!!

We do not see eye to eye anymore.

TRAITOR!

2011-04-23T22:55:00.011+08:00

can you handle me the way i are.

Wrote the previous post half before bed this morn and half before leaving home this evening- both of which when I was trapped in the demons of my mind.

What a weekend.

I've forgotten my place. I've pitted myself against him,

I am ashamed of myself.

Just ended a badminton game w Darren n ks. Haven't done this in a long time. And it's funny whilst taking a break along the benches to think back on how we started playing from a smelly, stuffy, overcrowded badminton hall to an overpriced community centre before finally landing on this beautiful vacant hall.

And after so many yrs, we're still fucking one another in our games. Heh.

I had a very distracted game. Partly coz of how rusty i am ( my nerves feels like they are all tangled amongst one another now. Owwww. ) and partly coz I kept thinking of her. Kept trying to decipher my own mind.

It feels great to sweat and shout to the game. Like an outlet that was rational.

But I didn't feel good all throughout.

At some point, I wondered if I was being over sensitive, while at others, I contemplated the thought of sucking it up like a man. But at hard shots, I had flashes on how things were hidden from me.. And I think.. I would never be gracious or man enough to change that aspect of me.

Even if there are times where I feel like I can live with that, i know it'll only be temporary. It is innate in me to take it as an insult when kept in the dark.. be it for my own good or not. And the more I discover, the more skeptical i'd be and this will translate into distrust. I will always feel disrespected with each stone unturned. And even if she's genuine to me, I can never be like Alvin - accepting to only be her weekday fuck. I really don't know how I would be able to stay sane knowing that they are sleeping together. Perhaps it is this greatest difference in our belief system that will always hinder our progress.

Do you remember the days where we made each other feel good even when we're not in sight or in company? I miss that. I miss that strength. I miss that even when I was a loser, I felt like a winner. And that I could laugh like a king because I had the support of my queen.

I miss the queen maybe.

This is what it's supposed to be about isn't it? To make one another feel good or feel hopeful for ourselves both as individuals and as one.

But I know I have to accept that she's never going to be ready to handle this.

I just wish I could face it so calmly and bravely all the time.

And that i don't have to act nonchalant anymore.

But if this is the only way out.......
sigh.

Dear god,
i don't feel you anymore.

2011-04-23T18:59:00.004+08:00

A tinge of tranquility combined with an explosion of lethargy.
There is hope when amongst a blanket of dust, you see clear skies for a split second.
It is then that you sense the calmness of forgoing everything and the possibility of stepping out of the doomed land.
And you wish with all your might that you'll never forget that glimmer of hope.. that call and will to make the one last dash for survival.
When the time comes, you'd wish for the same amount of zen.

3 days proved futile in terms of clearing ze mind.
it did clear all right. but clear as in empty, it did.
what i'm looking for, however, is clearing to recognize that some things are not worth no hoot.
i can be so much more.

and i refuse to straddle in denial like the two of them are.
i refuse to play their strategical game.

but i did learn that i hate crowds now.

Maybe I'm in xie's post-jermz frame of mind now.
Everyone is sounding so childish and irrelevant.
but because you know that it's probably your own self being less patient than before, you'd want to get away from crowds.
they are oh.so.noisy.

i don't wanna spare a thought for another when i'm off the hook at night.
i will live for me by busking in my space.

yet as soon as the confidence sets in, unhappiness hits again.

How can I allow one to hurt me so deeply and yet long so badly?

Run away i should!
For I have no more idea which direction to look.

Well here's a plan for ya. All I have to do is tire myself religiously. As long as I push myself hard enough, as long as I keep my conscious day busy, these stupid emotions, these stupid feelings will be nothing but a mere dream. When I paddle, I will paddle as if running away from it all. For as many hours as i can, i shall race with these shadows following me. At those times, i am convinced that these are not lingering shadows. These are just my imagination.

so that's that for the confusiong, for the anger, for the frustration.
but about the guilt?
i am sorry for treating your acts of concern so harshly.
i am not as blind as you deem.
if there's one promise you did keep,
it's how you said you wouldn't leave and never did.

but is this one act enough to make up for the things i know, knew, suspect?

runaway i should, runaway i should!

the world has bigger things to worry about. What am I doing swimming in my sea of questions?

really wished i could've slept in as planned this morning.

2011-04-23T01:54:00.007+08:00

The epitome of oxymoron, ladies and gentlemen.

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

2011-04-21T18:49:00.000+08:00

Who holds the colours to your now?

Everyone have been cranky of late.
But while it's mostly anger and frustration that I've been seeing / hearing, I can't seem to find my own voice.

To keep walking has been my motto for some 2 weeks now.
I've sought after adventures, I've embraced alot of reflection time.
But I also feel more and more like an empty shell. Refusing to think, refusing to react.
Everyday is a day of pretense.

Is this supposed to be part of the road to recovery? Am I to turn my back on all our past by ignoring them all? To find the light to the end of this tunnel seems so hopeless right now.

There is, indeed, some tranquility in ignoring all the emotions. When a pang of anger, jealousy or insecurity hits, you'll be able to deal with it by just walking away. But how long can this facade last i wonder?

Guess I can only find out if I keep walking.
Have a sex-full long weekend everyone.

I am going to cramp my days up so they can do theirs in peace.

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground

From both sides now.

2011-04-19T21:25:00.001+08:00

I bonded with Esther. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee, Maisarah.

Esther left. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee and Maisarah.

There is a sick sense of realization that comes with that. While i know tht everything happens for a reason and that I've made new pals at this one place, I can't help but reel in the fact that I'm indeed stagnating.

And that bothers me.

It was a bad day today. Knew it the moment I stepped into school, saw Tara by the gate and lost all ability to baby talk. Got worse after lunch.

It was easier being a wall. But ks's txt-of-concerns on Sunday and Mai's conversation today just couldn't surpress some of these thoughts. And the more I tried to keep it down, the more constricted I felt, the more I tried to play, the more I failed, the more Dulan I became.

At the same time.. The more I played, the more I remember THAT insecurity and the more I hated it.

Even with all the excuses I've managed to come up with all these months, anyone and everyone knows / knew that there was one biggg reason why I couldn't let the job go.

And after so long, that one biggg reason is still a bigg reason at least.
Why so I do not know.

But if u take my seat for abit, maybe u'll understand how things looks like to me now.

My office is an ordinary rectangular shaped room. I sit at wendy's old desk. The one by the entrance. The corner most. Beside me sits mai. Then the part-timer, koh and cq. Behind me is suet lee and beside her is Irene, grace and huang fang. Eddy floats to wherever he deems fit.

So.. Total headcount? 10.

Suet leaves tml. Hf leaves end April. If eddy's man enough, he leaves 1st wk may. Mai leaves end may. CQ goes on maternity in June. Which leaves the total ppl left in e office to.......... 4. Grace, Irene, koh and me!

Moannn.

Wtf am I doing with my life? I am bored just recollecting on the no. of farewells I've bade. I'm only 23! And I've lost the will to feel.

I once said that I seem to be watching things unfold in CM as if i'm watching a black n white movie. The scene remains the same but characters disappear. Well guess what, I'm still watching the same movie!

Everyone knows what's good and not gd for me. I know what's good and not good for me.

Yet I'm doing nothing about.

What a whiny bitch.

2011-04-17T22:32:00.000+08:00

stiff!

2011-04-17T12:16:00.005+08:00

Do you know the serenity prayer? It goes something like this.

God,

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.

The serenity prayer came to mind before bed last night.

and now for the yvonne prayer.

Dear god,
I is tired.

amen.

Can't believe i'm outta bed already. It is a semi-chilly Sunday morning. The kinda mornings that accompanied those so-long-ago msgs from Taiwan. Kinda like the pre-post-Hilda mornings. The yearning kind, the emo kind.

I don't like emo.

I keep feeling the need to keep a straight head and a straight heart in dealing with my emotions. Even if it means turning into a stone-hearted bastard. Only then can I be less vulnerable. Only then can I stop myself from thinking.

If I were who I was before, entering a period like now would have made me a very angry person. Angry at the world, angry at life, angry at anyone who is happy around me.

I would have blamed god and called the world unfair.

Well i STILL call the world unfair. But this time, I don't seem to harbor that same amount of anger. Nor the same amount of energy. It is not only frustration that is raging in me. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping for a miracle or an ounce of hope or for a u-turn to the situation. You know, something unexpected and out of the ordinary. But after so many occasions, you kinda get the picture and know your place.

And the realization of that is draining.

So what can you do? Lan lan just walk. Too lazy to think? Too tried to fight? Pointless to get mad? Just walk only.

Of course things aren't as simple as it sounds. Many a-times, remembering her choices would put a bullet through my heart and I find it so tempting to fall down and dwell in self-pity. Am I really not worth that fight for?

But what good would making myself remain that way do? where would that lead me? Am I to emerge a survivor or a victim?

At the point I'm at now, my only hope is to tire myself entirely so I'll be sapped from every ounce of energy left to deal with the battle within. Keep yourself busy, they say.. and all your troubles will be at bay.

Have I mentioned how awesome 881 was last night? Well, it was awesome. It was SO good.

The musical was only like a billion times better than the movie.

Initially skeptical about the seemingly low budget production, cast and lame factor of the show, 881 the musical turned out to be a good reminder to why we should never stinge on enjoying live performances.

The music to the show was amazing. Well, not really the chinese nor the Hokkien version of it since I barely understood a word. But the english subtitles to it spoke volumes. Even though I can't quite remember the translation to most of it now, I'm still thinking about the genuine-nity that struck me. It's impressive how a song in dialect may carry so much more wisdom than some of the angry chart-breaker english songs i listen to day in day out. It was also moments like these where I knew I could never describe the same experience with my own words that I counted my blessings for the ideal companion. Like I've said, it's like you felt the need to feel empty because you wanted someone to experience it too but then you realize... oops, problem solved! heh.

Should've gotten those darn CD and script.

There was a moral to the story as well.. and it was quite blatant actually - though I'm sensing that many may have overlooked it. The show last night gave me a whole new respect to Royston Tan.. whose movies I quite frankly didn't entirely understood. The play of lights, sound and body language was very intelligently crafted. Especially that of the Fu the Lu and the Shou. How I wish I had those stage management skills.

Most importantly, amidst coming out with powerful lyrics, music and the edited storyline, humor was injected throughout the entire 2 hour. The women at home will definitely enjoy it.

Oh what can I say? - I adore musicals. Especially the ones with music that relates to different situation.

can i can i can i be a song writer please?

Another ditch in the road - you keeping moving.
Another stop sign - you keep moving on.

You win, Mr CC.

2011-04-17T03:40:00.010+08:00

A thankful enough full stop.

The day went not quite like what I had in mind when we first bought the tickets. At some aspects, it was better, and at some others, worse. But u know how sometimes u go somewhere, watch a movie, or a play, or whatever, enjoyed it, and wished that a particular person was there too? Well I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who had that feeling, turned over and realize that that someone IS there.

There is a sense of peace and gratitude that comes with that.

And 881 was worth every dime.

Goodnight world.

2011-04-16T13:57:00.001+08:00

2011-04-15T18:32:00.001+08:00

2011-04-15T17:02:00.005+08:00

By the third day, it gets a little more worrying and a little more xin tong-ing. But still I know there's nothing I can and nothing I must do.

Delayed reaction goes something like this:

Piak piak piak!

.......
.....
...
Wait for it.....
....
...
..

.

.

.

Ouch.

I think I've got the slow reaction disease.

Truth is, I still very much feel like the fool. Especially after those 3 breaking points. And instead of having to deal with the good-time-recollections like I was preparing myself for, I constantly find myself being slapped with past deceit so plain, I'll wonder if I'm stupid for not pointing it out when I had the chance to or if the aggressor's stupid for thinking I am that gullible.

I do have flashbacks as well. but the pain and insult of unveiling one truth after another, or to discover that someone important thinks so lowly of you seems to be overpowering the butterflies that flapped.

Sometimes I get mad at her for being so disrespectful and for assuming that simple excuses can cover all aspects of a bluff. Yet at others, I hate myself for being so unforgiving. Deep down I know that at some level, I was at fault too - since I knew what I was getting myself into and knew about some of the secrets since a long time ago.. but on days where my head isn't as clear as I'd like it to be, I still feel disrespected and spit on. Sigh.. looks like I need more time to grow up.

It seems like my only way of coping with these ego trips is to adopt the most detestable method to handle any thing - and that is to escape. Especially with the weather these days. So tempting to cozy up on bed and watch a funny movie at night. But while it's nice to keep myself busy and not deal with all the dramas, I cannot help but realize that life is starting to feel empty. Like I'm not solving anything and I won't be able to run away from it for too long. Soon I would have to face them. Perhaps Mai was right - these are phases in life we have to get through with. This is how we grow.

But she too said that I'm too young to be numb at everything. And that's true too! crapp.

Oh PMS, is that you churning in me?

ANYWAY,

A mass resignation stint is happening in the office. All of a sudden the people surrounding me are disappearing. But I'm only half as affected as I thought I'd be. I think it'll hit me only when the reality of it all sinks in more and more but it's a good time for me to think even more seriously about my future. Maybe it's the right time for me to take the plunge as well. but the very thought of breaking into a new culture, meeting new people, handling new politics scares the crap outta me.

Still, since the letter throwing, things in the office seems to be lighter. Everyone is joking more and the tension is removed. Even gaga gets playful. That is until THE MAN struts into the office.

How nice it'll be if the everyday culture in the office is like that.

But life isn't all a bed full of roses is it?

I need my gilbert dose. And some USA love while you're at it. kthxbye.

2011-04-12T16:52:00.002+08:00

If we are so unhappy being together and everything has to be so forced, then why for?

what have we been fighting for?

2011-04-12T15:31:00.000+08:00

2011-04-11T01:26:00.013+08:00

Had the least satisfying ride ever. Longest and by far the most challenging... but unfortunately, not as satisfying as the previous trips. But then I got hme and yellowstone was on discovery.... So the sun was up again! At least for the next hour or so. haha.

Went to butterfact with Li e other day. Bumped into a drunk to drunker to drunkest Pris. haha. it's been a long time. Felt so over-aged and out of place for the most of it. Pris asked about you poink..

Anyway we (more Li than we!) made friends with a couple of ppl. But lili started to get a little kinky.. and well, high I guess.. so numbers were exchanged but when things were starting to get sticky on the dance floor, all I could tell Emily was oh nononono KK in my mind! KK IN MY MIND!!

I meant it as a joke to kill the matchmaking joy Lili was having, really.

But I guess it really has been KK in my mind.
And for many many months now.

But I've somehow also come to believe that we might have evolved into this.

say whatt?

Because of all the lies and all the deceit previously casted, I don't know what to trust and what not to anymore. This is a real test and a completely different ball game. Words have never been so cheapskate in my books before and I don't know if/how I can completely believe what she says whether we are face to face or not anymore.

To her, those may be mere passing incidents. But to me it meant getting stabbed in the gut. And her blade were preettty sharp. stab 1 ouch stab 2 hey stab 3 fuck it.

I let it go during showdown last week only because she had issues then. But now that that's settled, I guess it's time to do the right thing.

So many times I've caught a lie straight in my face yet at all those moments, I chose to think that she may have some kinda reason for lying so blatantly. I even stooped to coming up with excuses for her just to convince myself. But why?

Huitann used to accuse me of being defensive towards her and I always insisted that I wasn't. But what if... Huitann were right? Did my coming out with those excuses and not being confrontational reinforce her behavior? Or did it put me out as some kinda pushover?

It sucks now because even if some part of me buys all her stories in present day, there's always this red flag waving ferociously in me - cautioning me of the sheer possibility that she is leading me on again. And given her track record, why shouldn't I be weary?

A lifestyle like this is so exhausting. I know of some people who thrives on watching their back all the time. They find a kind of excitement in being able to call on another person's scheme. But i'm not that person. I don't fancy having to always question another. Especially towards a person I really care(d) about. And truth be told, the blow is harder when you uncover something about someone who matters a whole lot to you.

At lion king moments, I sometimes hope that by pretending to be nonchalant long enough, I could actually get into the habit of really being nonchalant.

But those are only during the good moment quickies. When low moments hit, however, I feel like shit all over again reminiscing on the good-ol-days and I get so tempted to drop all resistance n defenses and to shower her with what I can.

Yet I know that I have to keep walking.
Painful I walk; Blister I also walk; Bleeding I lagi walk.

Afterall, she did make her choice over and over again didn't she?
If I'm only her second fiddle, then why should I make her my first?

Just jalan only. It will be ok.

And if it's too difficult, I'll just tire myself out complete so I don think. And there'll be F.R.I.E.N.D.S! lots and lots of episodes to get me through hell. Sounds like a plan, no?

right now though, I'm sleepy.. and seemingly talking in circles. heh.
Night people.

Bang bang bang we shoot them down.

2011-04-08T19:00:00.001+08:00

2011-04-08T09:52:00.001+08:00

I cycled and cycled and cycled and cycled.

And found myself kneeling in church.

2011-04-04T23:17:00.001+08:00

Well you put on quite a show really had me going now it's time time to go curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show really entertaining

But it's over now.

Go on and take a bow.

Why have you forsaken me?

2011-04-04T22:22:00.001+08:00

2011-04-04T22:21:00.001+08:00

I am a third party. So is my mum and bro. I have to set a good example for my bro.

2011-04-04T22:11:00.001+08:00

I cannot stand the ego bruise by my boss n fake girlfiren.

Together I'm reduced to nth.

2011-04-04T16:05:00.004+08:00

Everyday is a healing process.
and every Sunday is my rehabilitation day.

I guess the road to recovery means to put one heavy foot in front of the other and to keep on walking.

I know it'll be ok in the end. I'll step outta it and carry on with life. But it's the strike on the ego that's the biggest hurdle.

Still you know - strike 1, strike 2, strike 3, out.

Sleeping has never been an option.

Not until now that is.
Just as well i'm sleepy all the time.

go on and take a bow.

2011-04-02T01:39:00.008+08:00

The cycling cleared alot in the head.

Like Sipadan waters clear.

你走吧, 到了记得要给我同电话.

2011-03-26T20:46:00.001+08:00

What's my place don't know my place miss my place.

2011-03-26T02:49:00.003+08:00

W m I doing here

2011-03-25T12:57:00.002+08:00

Have you ever felt like you know how to play a game, but u refuse to play the game.. because you want it to not be a game?

haha.

Lets welcome back the Type-save-type-save-type-save period again.

2011-03-24T18:49:00.007+08:00

I've always thought that hitting the limit might be a kind of a liberation.

If you think about it theoretically, it should be as simple as tipping over the edge.. no?

No.

Looks like it actually means letting things haunt you all day, everyday.

I forgot to consider that climb to the peak. Or that one drip or one nudge to knock you overboard.

That blow may be huge as well.

Maybe this time it really is one time too often.

I'm starting to think that I can't give her the happiness she desires. Or evoke the type of laughter I thought I could.

She needs someone with a big enough heart.
-- I don't have that.

It's really tough this time.
I haven't had this much problem getting rid of the impressions and the image before.
Whether she like to call it that way or not, that was a choice.

And I.. need to be a little bit more selfish.

I'm not my strongest right now.
There's her, there's work, there's friendship... A lil too much in one seating.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my own ego.
And instead of blogging about how her decisions are affecting me, I would very much prefer to talk about how a perfectly bad day was changed to an imperfectly good one.

Once in a while it's nice to seek solace in a safety net.
One that doesn't forsake me when the opportunity arises..
And one that I can provide a safety net for at other times as well.

But lately, I can't make her laugh or smile or be happy.
And at that moment, it's mainly my fault for being unable to step outta the cells in my mind.

Beginning to wonder if I'm expecting too much outta her.
Or if by trying to make her improve, I'm making her change when she don't want to.

As much as I am upset at what happened,
I have to also remind myself that I may not be the one who can bring her the same kind of satisfaction.

sigh.
So much doubts.
If I were his friend, I would tell him that it's the best time for him to swoop in and rescue her like the hero he is.

2011-03-24T00:31:00.001+08:00

很辛苦
好想安安心心睡场觉
或
不羞地大哭一场

2011-03-23T17:52:00.002+08:00

I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I

Fuck the 'I's!

2011-03-23T17:40:00.002+08:00

If there's commanding respect amongst friends, at r/s and at work,
then the problem must be me.

When Tay was pushing blames again this evening, I had the highest tendency yet to throw the letter. As of when I ended lessons last night.

I hate engaging in showdowns in the office. Especially when everyone is around.

But.you.really.suck.

2011-03-22T12:01:00.004+08:00

While I was sitting at the usual spot last night, I had the sudden urge to curl up into a ball and sleep there and then. Even if I couldn't, I would at least force my eyes shut and keep my back to something steady. Something reliable. Something that won't bite.

I don't feel safe around the people I used to feel safe with anymore. And it sucks to feel like that.

palm's front also flesh, palm's back also flesh.

The people whom I need support from don't give what I need because the support I'm asking them to give is also not supporting me. Ha. Esther's gonna chimono-fy me again if she ever sees this. Basically, it'a kinda like me against the world right now.

Oh the pressure.
and
Oh the visions.

How can they be of rival teams but yet assert the same amount of stress at the same time?

god I'm having so much trouble shaking it off this time.

2011-03-22T09:09:00.001+08:00

One time too many.